The Laws of Weight Gain
by BTB

1. The Law of Conservation of Mass does not apply - mass is generated as is convenient. There is enough mass in a tiny pill to generate fat the size of New York.

2. Law of Textile Elasticity - Nearly all clothing / fabrics stretch immensely. You can easily fit a car into a petit business blouse. Corollary: clothing that does not stretch is incredibly brittle - clasps and seams break at the slightest provocation.

3. The Laws of Quantum Reality favor WG. Of all possible outcomes to a situation - most will result in WG: Unknown containers, curious knick-knacks, and strange devices will all cause WG. Odd stores appearing, dispensing such items, and disappearing - are an example of quantum realities overlapping in order to facilitate WG.

4. Law of Growth Transmissibility - WG is highly contagious, usually transmitted by bodily fluids - especially milk.

5. Not only jobs at bakeries, restaurants, farms, groceries,.... or as secretaries lead to WG, but work itself causes it. Not working causes it also.

6. All ancient cultures worshipped fat women and knew how to induce WG.

7. 85% of all magic practitioners specialize in WG.

8. Law of Wish Distribution - Two out of three wishes granted to any person will involve weight gain; nothing unimportant like Peace on Earth (which will come if thereīs enough WG).

9. Law of Realization Inevitability - Any wish made by anyone anywhere will invariably be granted.

10. The ultimate goal of science is to cause WG.

11. First Law of Taste- All women prefer sweets to normal (there are no diabetic gainers except for bulimic diabetic Kurds who are forcefed with Turkish honey).

12. Second Law of Taste - The content of calories is directly proportional to their appeal. In plain English: the more fat, the more likely women will eat it. This leads to the preference of tasteless fattening fluids to other food.

13. First Law of Error Benevolence - Any mistake made during a scientific or mystical procedure will cause WG.

14. Second Law of Error Benevolence - Any mistake made during a procedure to cause WG will result in more WG - not less.

15. First Law of Form - Women hate necks and want them to disappear.

16. Law of Invincibility - Fat is indestructible. Pressures exerted by denim, metal wires, armor plating, and even brick walls are incapable of damaging an expanding woman. Exposure to the vacuum of space will not harm fat cells that have grown past Earth's atmosphere.

17. Law of Tactile Delectation - Sensations, any sensations - are pleasurable when emanating from the belly. Women purposely ignore pain and stuff their bellies to the brink of the limit - thus bringing themselves to orgasm.

18. Law of Inevitable Functionality - If someone believes that a potential source of WG is bogus - it will work. If someone believes that a potential source of WG is authentic - it will work while they aren't looking.

19. Law of Stored WG - It is a delicate equilibrium that prevents all women from expanding constantly. Every woman strains against an infinite amount of potential WG. Once she starts expanding it is difficult if not impossible to get her to stop.

20. Law of Inverse Ratio of Growth to Morality - Evil has a strong relationship to WG. Malice and animosity will exponentially increase the amount of WG produced by any WG factor. It is summed up as such - The WG theory of relativity: E= BC2 where expansion is equal to the woman's starting size multiplied by her number of character flaws squared. Particularly evil women often end up immobilized.

21. Second Law of Form - many women hate their legs and want them to disappear.

22. Law of Increasing Returns - each time a WG factor is employed - it will produce greater results. A woman will grow about 11 pounds, then 60, then 300, then she will fill an air hangar.

23. Law of Spatial Multiplicity - Two or more objects may occupy the same space at the same time. Any number of women - each with 'room filling' bodies - may exist in the same room at the same time. There will also be room for their lovers.

24. First Law of Feminine Grouping - If women come together in a group, they do mostly to gain weight; the thinnest woman in a group of women will gain the most.

25. Law of Universal Feminine Exhilaration - All women enjoy WG. A prisoner breaking out of bondage by gaining enough weight to force steel bars apart, will have approximately 478 orgasms. This is an extension of the laws that fat is indestructible, and that weight gain is pleasurable.

26. The Little Sister Law - Little Sisters will always gain the most, this is a variant of Law 24.

27. First Law of Belief - A womanīs belief that she hasnīt gained any weight, is stronger than the belief of the pope in God.

28. Second Law of Belief - This belief is so strong that it can lead to denial; facts like that the feet aren't visible or running is impossible will not be recognized.

29. Fact: The average scale is always lying.

30. Third Law of Belief - The last level of spiritual achievement is the realization of one's own weight which will come like a joyous revelation after a short period of confusion.

31. Fact: Each day hundreds of acres of the rain forest are cut down. This is a shame because 95% of all unknown plant species cause WG.

32. 83% of all nerds know how to cause WG.

33. 28% of all men currently in existence are nerds;10% are immense wealthy; 20% work at labs; 15% are chefs; 22% are nameless or have no defining characteristics and 5% of the male population is comprised of supernatural beings.

34. Law of Relocation Requirement - Any girl made to transfer to a new school in the middle of the year must first pass an advanced level course in witchcraft/chemistry/cooking, and its uses as an implement of revenge or personal WG. She must also pass courses in alienation, and conspicuous non-conformity. No girl may come to a new school and simply vanish into the crowd.

35. First Law of Feminine Leadership - Any thin blonde girl in a school must take advanced-level courses in ring-leading, antisocial behavior, and the public humiliation of non-conformers. A girl found to have any level of conflict resolution skills or tolerance of others will be forced to transfer to a new school in the middle of the year.

36. Law of Scientific Anti-dexterity - Research scientists are the clumsiest and most forgetful people on earth.

37. Law of Lacto-similarity - Most WG formulas are utterly indistinguishable from common food. Research scientists store them in the freezers or in bottles and bring them home for storage.

38. Law of Gastronomic Indifference - If food or drink tastes funny - a woman will consume it regardless.

39. The Limit Size - 180 pounds represents the lower limit of size at which weight gain may stop.

40. Basketball was invented for women, so done due to the fact that most butt cheeks will each at some point be the same size as the game ball.

41. Second Law of Feminine Grouping - The most popular activity between best friends are WG Duels.

42. Law of Myopic Desire - All women want to be unwieldingly fat. Regardless of profession, religion, present size, or attitudes - a woman will invariably desire a body of unwieldy proportions. A human cannonball would want enough fat to cushion her landing. Women have no real desire to be able to run, rise under their own power, leave a room through the door, or for that matter to move at all. Growing to the size of a whale is the best thing that can possibly happen to a woman.

43. The second chin always greets the first.

44. Law of Expansion Expectation - All women spend their life waiting for WG to occur; therefore when it does - they are neither shocked nor frightened, but rather can immediately seize upon the opportunity to have the greatest sexual experience of their lives.

45. Third Law of Feminine Grouping - Female family members are often inspired in WG by each other.

46. Most women have sisters that have an envy of the weight they gained.

47. Law of Histamine Reaction - The most common symptoms of an allergic reaction to a substance are redness, irritation, difficulty breathing, and weight gain.

48. While it is possible under certain rare circumstances to reverse WG, it is not possible to do so before the woman has grown to at least 180 pounds in size, nor is it possible to get her below this point. This is known as the 180 pound barrier.

49. Law of Conundrum Fallibility - Any riddle or puzzle designed to protect a WG factor will be solved easily or accidentally.

50. Law of Masculine Solicitation - Men are selfless gentle souls, who wish women only the best - and try to help them fulfill their greatest desire (even if they donīt recognize it) to gain weight.

51. Feminists have incredibly unstable psyches, and will instantly turn into bimbos after WG.

52. Law of Transformation Probability - as a woman undergoes WG the chance that she or others in her immediate area will undergo other random transformations increases exponentially.

53. Law of Spatial Accommodation - WG creates spatial warps in a woman's mouth and torso so that she may swallow a whole turkey or even bigger food regardless of how much expansion the jaw undergoes. A woman experiencing WG can easily accept mass the size of the many Dakotah`s.

54. Dreams are expressions of inner desires, so most women dream of weight gain.

55. Otherwise women dream of food or being fed, which also leads to WG.

56. Third Law of Taste - Most women dislike healthy food and fruits, except when they are combined with sweets or bananas. The eating of a banana can be regarded as a form of art.

57. Women may explode - this is the only exception of the invincibility of fat.

58. At 600 pounds, breast milk is generated at a rate of no less than one gallon per hour.

59. The numbers and letters in bra sizes are not discrete quantities referring to torso and breast size respectively, but rather both refer directly to breast size. As one increases - so does the other. After 36D, the next size is 44DD, and so on until 275ZZZ. Bras are made for a single torso size that universally fits all women.

60. Law of Infinite Structural Integrity - People can withstand any amount of compression without harm. Women heavy enough to crush an oak bed, or break through a floor will do no damage to the man and woman beneath them.

61. Law of Infinite Masculine Strength - Breasts and belly folds that will crush an oak bed will be easily pushed aside by any man wishing to reach the woman beneath them.

62. Law of Universal Diet Feedback - 95% of all women who participate in diets gain at least triple the weight they want to lose.

63. The other 5% have no personality or are utterly evil.

64. Science interests seldom clean up chemical spills or abandoned research facilities. 83% of chemicals left in such places will cause WG.

65. Law of Unlimited Fluid Synthesis - The average 600-pound woman is capable of producing no less than 10 gallons of breast milk, without stopping to drink. But this has nothing to do with the fact that she doesnīt perspire.

66. Law of Technical Fallibility - Any device that could potentially cause WG will inevitably malfunction and do so.

67. Law of Feminine Magnetism - The female body generates incredible magnetic force. Ray guns allowed even brief periods of free movement will immediately swing to aim towards the nearest female. Objects as light as syringes will almost hurtle through the air to meet any woman in their immediate vicinity.

68. Law of Medical Over-investment - Most plastic surgeons secretly install size control devices in the bodies of their patients and keep close tabs on them. It is also common for a surgeon to throw in free appetite enhancement drugs with other surgery or vise-versa.

69. Law of Triviality of Sentience - most women would gladly trade their Aggressions/Mobility/intelligence/Free Will for body fat.

70. Law of Feminine Leadership - The leader of any group of women will experience the most, and purest WG, short of immobilization.

71. Law of Hydro-attraction - The pores of a woman's body absorb water like sponges, and all of their plumbing terminates in the fat cells. WG is not an uncommon result of a woman coming into contact with moisture.

72. Law of Destructible Artifice - Any object or device being held in reserve as a countermeasure against WG will inevitably be lost or broken.

73. Law of Anti-mnemonic Enchantment - Any spell being held in reserve as a countermeasure against WG will inevitably be forgotten or bungled.

74. Law of Centralized Loss of Garment Integrity - The front center of any piece of clothing is the weakest point on the garment. This applies to t-shirts and pull over sweaters as much as it does to button down shirts and clothing with zippers.

75. Law of Catalyst Graspability - All hand held objects capable of causing WG exude fields which prevent any but the most tenuous of grasps by people who hold them. As such they are snatched away quite easily.

76. The Law of Hypnosis - Since nobody is able to force other people to perform tasks they donīt want to do under hypnosis, the fact that any woman can be ordered through hypnosis to gain weight shows again that WG is the desire of any woman.

77. Law of Expansionary Cataplexy - If a woman is asleep when she starts to expand: nothing can wake her until she has finished expanding. She will sleep soundly through the shock of a bed collapsing.

78. Weight is the universal standard by which a woman's beauty and desirability may be measured, hence the biggest woman is automatically the most attractive. Men will always choose a fat woman over a thinner woman regardless of other qualities she might have (i.e. personality, common interests or history, lack of a temperament based on all-consuming evil, etc.)

79. Every household has at least 25 gallons of ice cream.

80. The Mammary-inferiority Complex - any woman who is mistreated for having smaller breasts than another will agree that she needs larger breasts and immediately seek WG.

81. Law of Dermal Elasticity - Human flesh may stretch to any size without harm. Stretch marks are may be side effects of skin stretching to no less than 100 times its original size, and while they may be alarming, they are not signs of any actual danger.

82. Law of Technological Omnipotence - The barriers preventing people from altering reality with small electronic devices such as TV remotes, home computers, and jury-rigged ray guns are minute at most and quite easily surmountable.

83. The Titanic Effect - If a ship sinks most people die, but always rescued are at least one woman and all the shipīs supplies.

84. Law of Gelatin-similarity - Butt tissue - by nature - has exactly the same texture as Jell-O.

85. First Law of WG Gravitation - The force of gravity exerted on the body reduces by ž for each time the body doubles in size. At the weight of New Zealand a woman falls like feather.

86. Second Law of WG Gravitation - Any fastener that breaks as a result of WG will inevitably be rendered airborne.

87. Annotation to 85: this is why a woman can never grow heavy enough to bring the planet Earth out of its orbit.

88. Law of Dermal Differentiation - Many substances will effect the size of people when applied directly to the skin. These substances are highly discriminatory in nature as evidenced by the fact that neither surrounding tissue nor hands used in application will ever be affected.

89. WG, while inevitably pleasurable, is also the world's most popular method of revenge

90. Law of Capsule Anonymity - All pills look exactly alike and cannot be differentiated in any way. No one will ever notice one pill having been switched with another.

91. The most common side-effect of any medicine is WG.

92. First Law of Stealth Expansion - If a woman grows, it may very well go unnoticed by people in her immediate area.

93. Second Law of Stealth Expansion - Large corporations often lace consumer products with WG catalysts. The population at large never notices.

94. First Law of WG Enmity - If a woman is antagonistic towards a man, this will result in her body growing and her falling in love with him.

95. Second Law of WG Enmity - If a woman is antagonistic towards another woman this will result in one of three outcomes: 1. The persecuted woman will grow larger than her persecutor, and best her in romance or a direct contest of weight; 2. The antagonistic woman will eat the persecuted woman; 3. Both women will grow; the persecutor at least to the point of immobilization.

96. Third Law of WG Enmity - If a man is antagonistic towards a woman due to her being either too thin or too fat: this will result in his being transformed into her feeding slave.

97. Feeders are better organized than the freemasons.

98. The same goes for feedees.

99. Every holiday invokes magic that causes weight gain - even Ground Hog's Day, Ash Wednesday, Earth Day and, especially, Secretary's Day.

100. Law of Impetuous Action - If a substance or object is capable of causing WG - the rashness of decisions of any woman in its immediate area will be increased by a factor of 10. Women will mockingly take huge doses of pills and/or wish for hips the size of Volkswagen Beetles.