The Accounting Ledger of Fat
By Lucky Luke
Connie had been slim until she entered college. At 5'7”, she departed for the state university weighing just 110 pounds. She became an accounting major and experienced an immediate weight gain. Not as active as she had been in high school, along with a slowing metabolism and a three buffet meal a day plan, Connie put on the typical freshman 15. After four years of college lectures, sleeping, studying and partying, her assets had grown to 140 pounds.
She got an accounting job with a Fortune 500 company at the corporate headquarters. She also bought a condo with an air conditioned parking below ground parking lot. She worked on sedentary hours and would go out to eat and then come home to lay around and eat ice cream and watch TV. On weekends she would party with her friends.
After five years with her company, her assets had grown to 190 pounds or about 10 pounds a year. She was pale, plump and flabby. Her bottom line butt was ever widening faster than the rest of her bodacious balance sheet.
She met David, another accountant, on one of her wild weekends. As she dressed in a non business like ruffled stretch lace blouse with a ruffled skirt that hugged her fat body, he could appreciate her large asset accounts and started to date the plump accountant. He would take her out to eat and drink as often as possible and thought his expenses would be worth it if her principle (her body) would grow. He wanted to grow her current assets.
They would talk dirty in accounting terms. David would say he was turning his cash into a purchase of merchandise (food) and wanted to turn it into inventory (more weight). Connie would say, “Come honey and collect the receivables, give me your hard asset and do an internal audit on me.”
Connie's co-workers noticed that she was gaining weight much quicker than ever before. She was buying new clothes in new sizes to keep up with her weight gain. Some of her wild weekends with David went late into Sunday nights. David, being fitter, was able to get to work on time while Connie was forced to call in sick for a half day or day almost every Monday.
David wanted a larger Connie and Connie complied. David expected a larger balance sheet (Connie's body weight). After a year, Connie's assets had grown to 310 pounds. “How are my ass'ets and liabilities?” Connie would moan. David enjoyed Connie's equitable weight gain.
“Are you enjoying my increases in assets?” “How is my bottom line?” “Give it to me in the arrears?” were the typical dirty talk that Connie spoke.
After two years with David, Connie was a whopping 430 pounds of fat equity. David loved and lusted after his huge accounting wench. They got married. Connie's company, concerned about health care cost and her trouble in getting around, offered her a severance package. She took it.
David and Connie now live together in Connie's condo. Connie continues to grow and grow. Her assets ever increasing. She consumes mass quantities of fat calories (input) while hardly puts out any effort (output). David does a lot before and after going to work. Air conditioning, automation and a maid, do the work around the condo.
After coming home from work, David sees his investment lying with a sexy outfit that can barely contain her massive body. Connie gasped between bites of fat filled pre dinner snacks and drinks, “How is my balance sheet? Is it growing fast enough? I see your asset is getting hard. Let's clear your balance sheet. I'm ready for your accounts receivable.”