A Place for Us
by Judy Davies

A popular song being sung these days says, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" In my mind, I have replaced the words with "Where have all the female FAs gone?" Surely, I cannot flatter myself that I am so unique; one in only a handful of FFAs whom I have come to know. There have to be more women out there, who are either unaware of this whole FA thing, or for some reason, are not yet visible to the rest of us. Now that I have come to terms with my personal preference for the larger male figure, and have gotten over those first heady years of exploration (and realized that I can actually look for a fat boyfriend, instead of simply hoping it will happen, by chance) I become curious as to just where these other women are hiding.

I sometimes feel I've been given a complimentary membership to the FA men's club; I've got a key, my own locker number and a pat on the head, with the assurance I can have access to all the accommodations. Although I have made some wonderful friends there, I have the feeling I'm rattling around where I only partially belong; Like a froth of chiffon breezing by tweed, cognac and aged mahogany furnishings, I cling to the few female FAs I have met there, and try to make the best of it. It's better than having no support system at all, but it still feels strange, and quite lonely sometimes.

The whole situation also raises doubts within myself. I'm pretty sure I know who I am, but there are times when, seeing as I'm only one of two or three writing on the web boards, or in the online gallery, I wonder, what am I doing here: Is this just a guy thing? Am I imagining the whole thing? Am I gay, and don't want to admit it? Is there such a thing as a female FA? Of course, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES, but just the same, I want to know why I feel so alone, and why so few others have come forward. I think back to rock concerts I've attended, where I exchanged smiles with slender girls who were happily wrapped in the comfy arms of a fat boy, and I have witnessed couples in obvious marital bliss, where the husband was a man of size. Why then, have women been so hesitant to speak up about these preferences. Heretofore we have taken the honors, when it comes to sharing our feelings with others. There are several theories:

One I often hear, is that women don't put as much stock in a man's physical appearance, as men do in the appearance of women. The idea is, that we are less interested in body parts, and more interested in romance; and we dwell on qualities that we think will make for a suitable mate, i.e., his capacity for earning, intimacy and kindness. I think most women would agree, those things are indeed important to us. However, in the 90's, women make no bones about physical attributes they find desirable in men; small, well-formed buttocks, a narrow waist and well-developed biceps, to name a few. We are not shy when it comes to pointing out a 'cute butt' on a guy passing by. And too, if this explanation held any water, why then do so many men of size say they have problems dating? The majority of women would readily accept any size man, as long as he had the aforementioned character qualities. We know this just isn't happening.

Another explanation of the scarcity of female FAs, is the survival theory. Through the ages, women have looked to the athletic type man, because he was better able to drag home the Sabre-tooth for supper, and probably had more testosterone and a higher sperm count as well. He was provider, protector, and procreator. While I believe there is something to this, I also think that it's only part of the picture. Times have changed, and today's Sabre-toothed Tiger is the business world; men no longer have to rely on a bulk of muscle tissue, but on intelligence and creativity. With this evolving human scene, I think some women have changed along with them, and perhaps see value in comfort over physical strength. So where are we?

This third theory makes a lot of sense to me. Male FAs began coming out, when they had a place to come out to! The founding of NAAFA, and the dances and meetings which followed, gave them a place to congregate and socialize with the women they admired. Magazines like Dimensions, gave them a forum; a place to learn more about these women, as well as themselves, and a network; where they could find support and each other. What do female FAs have, that is an equivalent? Since emphasis has been on BBW and the average size men who love them, few BHM dare attend these functions; and if they do, they soon see that there are few, if any, female FAs in attendance. Conversely, when a female FA ventures out, it is pretty much the same scene; not only are there few fat men to choose from, but other women might see them as trying to move in on their territory.

A scenario from my own life, if you will; I often go to a lounge to see my sister sing with her band; I'll fix myself up, wear something slinky, and think, "Hmm, I look hot tonight!" I take several bold steps inside, let the pulse of the music wash over me, and look around. What meets my eyes, is a sea of average size men; some very nice I'm sure, but many with shark fangs gleaming. I strain my eyes through the smoky haze, and I may see one lone fat man in the corner, hunched over a drink. I don't know, is he approachable, or does he want to be left alone to drown his sorrows? I'm not getting any signals, and anyway, one man is not a heck of a lot to choose from. So I head for the security of a table, order a glass of red wine, and become spectator. I'm very good at that. I may go up and put in a harmony with sis, but mostly I exercise my repertory of reverse body language and spend the night warding off sharks; and wondering how this could be happening to me. Why aren't lots of female FAs and wonderful large size men, mingling with one another? It seems like such a waste, and unfair to us both. The conclusion I have come to, with the help of Bill Fabrey and others, is that, it is evident that female FAs and the big, hunky men we admire, must have a place to connect, and learn about one another; and fall in love with each other, just as my brother FAs have done. I don't think it should be a separate movement, but included in the existing size movement. I'm tired of being the token FFA, in a world of men.


Female FA