Peanut M&M's are delicious to eat by the pound!

[StrawberryShortcake]

After reading umteem pages and answering the obligatory umteen questions while studying for my midterms I just had to take a break and put down what was on my mind and because this is the only place in the world that would even remotely understand me. I am throwing out this little message in a bottle to you Dimensions...

I'm sure y'all have heard me say this before but, ever since I was little I have always wanted to be fat. But I am not fat. I am chubby or plump. If I was a guy I would probably be the quarterback of a football team. But I'm not a guy. I am a sturdy, feminine woman. I live a simple life. I go to school full time. I live alone. I am the middle of 5 kids. I eat more than 5 servings of vegetables every day. I take my multi vitamins. I like to be on a stable schedule but I find my routine constantly disrupted by much enjoyed bouts of debauchery... sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, living off of only my favorite foods at my favorite restaurants. Honestly, I could make a list about 2 pages long or I could just tell you that I morph into a total sloth if the oppourtunity arises. I get veeerrry slllllooooww. And I like it. But then after a few days I get to thinking about all the things I have to do and how honesty laying in my bed surrounded by empty candy bar wrappers is not all it cracked up to be. So after a few more days of debating whether or not to get up and buy more candy bars I actually start to move and then a few weeks later I'm swimming laps and eating up baby squash like peanut m&m's. It's an ongoing cycle.

It makes me sad to not be fat. More than I think people could ever know. But I know that it is not my time. I feel that giving into my desires now would take away something very special that could be enjoyed later on in life, when I am married. I wonder if every guy I date thinks that I want to marry him in particular? Be assured that is not the case! I just don't want to open my self up physically to a person that I have yet begun to know. I hate this facade of sensuality and intimacy that people try to create prematurely. Just because I am outwardly modest does not mean I am frigid. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Maybe it sounds stupid to some people but I just want be able to give my fatness as a gift to my future husband. Also, I feel that now is the time for me to focus on God, reality, and my education. It just sucks sometimes though, I feel people get the wrong impression of me. That's why I chill with the nerds. Nerds are where it's at. NerdDs 4 LYFE, ESE!! :mad:

[Markt]

I may be in love...

[JMCGB]

Its always good to vent a bit and get things out. At least you know what you want and how you want it. Just stick to your guns and when the time comes to put them away, you will realise that it was worth the wait.

[LillyBBBW]

I love being fat and I love getting fatter. Unlike you Strawberry Shortcake I am blessed with the ability to fatten naturally. It doesn't much matter if I am eating M&M's or baby carrots, I will fatten. It's something that I've not really had the opportunity to share with anyone other than myself which has been, ok. I'm not much for trolloping, though I'd love the opportunity to unleash it all on someone special someday but not just any old bloke. I've sorta dropped off of a few things in my own quest to reconnect with God and leave behind all the striving to be perfect all the time which eventually masks itself as being a Godly attribute though He's not fooled or impressed.

I've come to a place where I'm quite happy and content with who I am but being this way is a bit high maintenance. I don't experience the discomfort and horrors usually associated with being over 400 thankfully. I aggressively strength train as a responsibility towards my naturally generous proportions. The gaping disparity happens when I try to integrate with others in the real world. At choral rehearsals they have these flimsy little fold out chairs for everyone to sit in. Aside from them being very small and flimsy they are very uncomfortable. I've been sitting in these chairs for years but lately I find I fidget in it all the time now. It is distracting to the people around me. This on top of the fact that the people who set up the layout place the chairs in a massive semi circle across the room and they are too close together. I have to get there early to space out my area so I won't be mashed in sitting on top of the people around me.

Also I fear the day the chair will give way and I will go crashing to the floor impaled upon a heap of hollow metal and bright green vinyl. I bet dimes to donuts those chairs were never designed to hold a 400 pound woman. I don't want to be an activist. Being rolled about by EMT's because I've been sorely injured before 200 of my peers is my living nightmare. I don't want to have to go around making special requests and having special accommodations made all the time. I don't want to have to provide a list of protocol for everyone to follow: space the chairs around my location, give me a 'special' chair, etc. It has gotten so that I no longer fit in anyplace. WORSE YET, I've made an elite roster to travel with the chorus to Europe this summer and I had to inquire about purchasing a second seat. The Chorus is picking up the tab for everyone and the budget was meant for only 120 people so I have to pay for this second seat out of my own pocket, for a TOUR. We'll be traveling to different locations and I am dreading the final tally on what those extra seats will cost and if I can afford it.

Me personally, I have never in my life felt more at ease and content in my own skin but I feel as if I'm losing my ability to function normally in the world simply because I'm outgrowing it. This bothers me because in order to continue doing what I love it means I have to change and I don't want to. I don't want to be anybody else. I don't want to live somebody else's dream of hula hoops and low rise belly ring fantasy. I can literally taste the tin feeling in my mouth and the constant tremors in my body from overly depriving myself all the time to keep up appearances. The pats on the back from everybody and approving glances from my mother, blech! It's going to make me feel awful in every conceivable way: emotionally, physically, psychologically. I've lived like that for so long, I just can't do it anymore. I have to decide which is worse, not being capable of doing the things I love or not being able to love the things I do? Funny how I was just thinking about how this is something I can't talk to anyone about and then I see your post. :p

[thepiscn]

After reading umteem pages and answering the obligatory umteen questions while studying for my midterms I just had to take a break and put down what was on my mind and because this is the only place in the world that would even remotely understand me. I am throwing out this little message in a bottle to you Dimensions...

I'm sure y'all have heard me say this before but, ever since I was little I have always wanted to be fat. But I am not fat. I am chubby or plump. If I was a guy I would probably be the quarterback of a football team. But I'm not a guy. I am a sturdy, feminine woman. I live a simple life. I go to school full time. I live alone. I am the middle of 5 kids. I eat more than 5 servings of vegetables every day. I take my multi vitamins. I like to be on a stable schedule but I find my routine constantly disrupted by much enjoyed bouts of debauchery... sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, living off of only my favorite foods at my favorite restaurants. Honestly, I could make a list about 2 pages long or I could just tell you that I morph into a total sloth if the oppourtunity arises. I get veeerrry slllllooooww. And I like it. But then after a few days I get to thinking about all the things I have to do and how honesty laying in my bed surrounded by empty candy bar wrappers is not all it cracked up to be. So after a few more days of debating whether or not to get up and buy more candy bars I actually start to move and then a few weeks later I'm swimming laps and eating up baby squash like peanut m&m's. It's an ongoing cycle.

It makes me sad to not be fat. More than I think people could ever know. But I know that it is not my time. I feel that giving into my desires now would take away something very special that could be enjoyed later on in life, when I am married. I wonder if every guy I date thinks that I want to marry him in particular? Be assured that is not the case! I just don't want to open my self up physically to a person that I have yet begun to know. I hate this facade of sensuality and intimacy that people try to create prematurely. Just because I am outwardly modest does not mean I am frigid. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Maybe it sounds stupid to some people but I just want be able to give my fatness as a gift to my future husband. Also, I feel that now is the time for me to focus on God, reality, and my education. It just sucks sometimes though, I feel people get the wrong impression of me. That's why I chill with the nerds. Nerds are where it's at. NerdDs 4 LYFE, ESE!! :mad:

Wow, a Christian, education is important to her and wants to get fat. Goodness, if it was the future I would love to meet you and take you out for dinner.

Actually, it does not sound stupid that you want to focus on those things in your life. There was a time in my life that required me to focus on my other things then a relationship. In fact, for me they were kind of like prerequisites to having a relationship. But still not being in a relationship was difficult as my career didn't allow for it.

Also, the comment on being "frigid", there is nothing wrong with being outwardly modest. I know personally I like girls that are outwardly modest. Consider it the conservative part of me (even though I am socially liberal).

But my point really is, you will eventually have your opportunity and as you said, be able to give your fatness as a gift to your husband. Which I must say would be pretty cool, even though you struggle to wait for that time.

Hang in there :)

[SoVerySoft]

I love being fat and I love getting fatter...(snip) I don't want to have to go around making special requests and having special accommodations made all the time. I don't want to have to provide a list of protocol for everyone to follow: space the chairs around my location, give me a 'special' chair, etc. It has gotten so that I no longer fit in anyplace...
(snip)... I have to decide which is worse, not being capable of doing the things I love or not being able to love the things I do?

Lilly your post hits home more than you know. And I know I am not the only one moved.

I don't know the answer for me. I hope you determine what's right for you. *sigh*

[gunther]

Peanut M&M's are in God's snack bowl.

[Mechelle]

I prefer Resees Pieces... they are so yummy, I cant think of any better candy