Being jealous because boyfriend chats ALL the time??

[MissCellaneous]

Hey everyone!

This is my first post as I´ve had a huge argument about Dim chat with my boyfriend.
It would really help me to get some opinions on this:

I am a BBW in a long distance relationship with a FA.
From the beginning of our relationship on I knew he was FA and he told me about Dimensions. Actually this is how I got in touch with the site for the first time. I never had a problem with him looking at the paysite girl pictures. As we don´t see each other very often I understand that he has to have his space to nourish his fantasy. In my opinion I am leaving him a lot of freedom.

But:
After a while I found out that he chats a lot on Dim chat. I wasn´t pleased at all, because he had never told me about that before. Somehow he even had been hiding that from me by clearing his internet history, etc..
Why would that be necessary, if all the chatting was really only about talking to friends?
So back than he said he wasn´t willing to stop that chatting and I tried to understand.
But it is bugging me a lot for several reasons:
-he spends SOOOO much time on the chat...maybe even more time than he spends with me
-he will still until today hide his chatting (an other visited websites) from me by clearing the internet history
-he will never chat during the weeks he stays at my place...but ALWAYS while he is alone at his place (which makes me think he talks about things I shouldn´t see)
-he will never mention that he has chatted (if we would really share and he wouldn´t have secrets he could just tell me about an interesting conversation he had, right?)
-sometimes he prefers chatting to talking to me on the phone by making our conversation short OR I even found that he lied several times to me by saying he would go to bed...but than chatting for several hours (I know that, because I found out through the "Who´s on" button on top of the forum page)

After all I figured that he is not directly attempting to cheat on me...else he could just stop using his picture and change his chat I.D..
Still I have so many concerns as he makes such a secret out of it. Short time ago he told me that he is into weight gain. He even admitted that I wasn´t big enough for his taste.
I feel frustrated...because seeing him chat all the time makes me think that I am just not good enough for him.
Looking at the pictures of girls he admires is different than actually talking to them and having the opportunity to establish a relation with them.
It is worse I think...because in the moment he really gets in touch with them they are starting to be competition for me. As long as they are just pictures they are as accessible as maybe Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton.

Also he posts his own picture.... probably in order to get complimented by girls that are his taste! Maybe even in order to start a flirt?
Here in the forum I´ve read the post about all the couples that met each other on the chat. So basically it could happen all the time.
Of course...this is not a single chat...but still there´s a lot of flirting as I´ve read. I mean...after all regarding the FA´s on the chat they are seeking women that match their SEXUAL preference (fat). For them it is definitely not about exchanging information only.

I would so much like to trust him, but it seems that theres some part of his life that I am just not part of. He knows how I feel about all this, but he basically told me that it was my problem then. I don´t find that the right way to look at it.

Seriously... do I have reason to feel betrayed about all this secretiveness, him complimenting bigger, better girls and all this ....
...or am I completely wrong about all this??

Of course I won´t mention his name, but he will probably be reading this.
I think its a good idea to ask all of you about this...as his and my argument is about this chat. You all have been in this chat... and you know what it is really about. So you can probably see his position (being a chatter) and hopefully my position (being jealous of him being a chatter) by reading my post. Please be fair when judging the situation.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for answers.

[Ruby Ripples]

It would appear that he is being deceptive by clearing history etc on the computer, and he obviously knows you are not happy about how long he spends chatting here yet he still does it.

Clearly though without knowing who he is, nobody can tell you IF he is up to anything more than "innocent" chat here.

[jellymulder]

That would make me angry checking my internet history, just like when an ex hacked into my email account or whatever she did, she read my emails anyway, she knew me, she was just insecure and paranoid. I have no interest in anybody's internet history or looking at their emails or checking their phones or whatever, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work it. It's clear that already with these trust issues something very long term is unlikely, I certainly couldn't have a long term relationship with someone if I couldn't freely talk about everything with them.

[NancyGirl74]

Did you ever ask your boyfriend if he says he's taken while he's in chat? What does his profile say?

Chances are about 50/50 that's he's flirting and cultivating online relationships with other woman. The extent of those relationships is hard to say. The Internet is a strange world where people sometimes feel that just because communication is through text it doesn't make it real. I don't know if you have ever been in chat but if you join the room you'll be able to observe how he conducts himself.

On the flip-side, if he told you about Dimensions then he clearly wants you to know he's involved in the BBW/FA world. Perhaps he told you this as a way to assure you of his FAness or that he's unashamed of liking big women.

On the flip-side's flip-side, if he's hiding things he might not want you to know just how involved he really is. This might not mean cheating. It could mean that he's formed strong bonds with the people of chat. We are a community after all. Many chatters are more than just chat friends and have met in person. Dims Chat can be very family-like. Maybe he's a part of this family. If so, ask him to tell you about us. I'm sure he'll have some stores. ;)

[Heavy_Cream]

Hey everyone!

This is my first post as I´ve had a huge argument about Dim chat with my boyfriend.
It would really help me to get some opinions on this:

I am a BBW in a long distance relationship with a FA.
From the beginning of our relationship on I knew he was FA and he told me about Dimensions. Actually this is how I got in touch with the site for the first time. I never had a problem with him looking at the paysite girl pictures. As we don´t see each other very often I understand that he has to have his space to nourish his fantasy. In my opinion I am leaving him a lot of freedom.

But:
After a while I found out that he chats a lot on Dim chat. I wasn´t pleased at all, because he had never told me about that before. Somehow he even had been hiding that from me by clearing his internet history, etc..
Why would that be necessary, if all the chatting was really only about talking to friends?
So back than he said he wasn´t willing to stop that chatting and I tried to understand.
But it is bugging me a lot for several reasons:
-he spends SOOOO much time on the chat...maybe even more time than he spends with me
-he will still until today hide his chatting (an other visited websites) from me by clearing the internet history
-he will never chat during the weeks he stays at my place...but ALWAYS while he is alone at his place (which makes me think he talks about things I shouldn´t see)
-he will never mention that he has chatted (if we would really share and he wouldn´t have secrets he could just tell me about an interesting conversation he had, right?)
-sometimes he prefers chatting to talking to me on the phone by making our conversation short OR I even found that he lied several times to me by saying he would go to bed...but than chatting for several hours (I know that, because I found out through the "Who´s on" button on top of the forum page)

After all I figured that he is not directly attempting to cheat on me...else he could just stop using his picture and change his chat I.D..
Still I have so many concerns as he makes such a secret out of it. Short time ago he told me that he is into weight gain. He even admitted that I wasn´t big enough for his taste.
I feel frustrated...because seeing him chat all the time makes me think that I am just not good enough for him.
Looking at the pictures of girls he admires is different than actually talking to them and having the opportunity to establish a relation with them.
It is worse I think...because in the moment he really gets in touch with them they are starting to be competition for me. As long as they are just pictures they are as accessible as maybe Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton.

Also he posts his own picture.... probably in order to get complimented by girls that are his taste! Maybe even in order to start a flirt?
Here in the forum I´ve read the post about all the couples that met each other on the chat. So basically it could happen all the time.
Of course...this is not a single chat...but still there´s a lot of flirting as I´ve read. I mean...after all regarding the FA´s on the chat they are seeking women that match their SEXUAL preference (fat). For them it is definitely not about exchanging information only.

I would so much like to trust him, but it seems that theres some part of his life that I am just not part of. He knows how I feel about all this, but he basically told me that it was my problem then. I don´t find that the right way to look at it.

Seriously... do I have reason to feel betrayed about all this secretiveness, him complimenting bigger, better girls and all this ....
...or am I completely wrong about all this??

Of course I won´t mention his name, but he will probably be reading this.
I think its a good idea to ask all of you about this...as his and my argument is about this chat. You all have been in this chat... and you know what it is really about. So you can probably see his position (being a chatter) and hopefully my position (being jealous of him being a chatter) by reading my post. Please be fair when judging the situation.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for answers.

---Oh, sweetness, I am so sorry you are going through all this awful suffering, honey. I really am sorry. I can imagine what pain and confusion you must be in right now. :( Honey...to me, he is just not doing right by you, sis. If I were in your shoes, I am sorry, but I would let him go and move on. And please, please do not gain weight just in hopes of getting him to like you better, ok? You need someone who cherishes you, repsects you, and offers honesty at all times...and who loves you for who you are, unconditionally. Please do not ever think such a relationship is out of your reach, so you have to therefore settle for less. I wish you the very best and I wish I could do something to ease your hurting feeling. It will go away in time.
Stay strong, lovey. Take it light.

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

lying is not cool.
telling someone they are not skinny/fat enough is not cool.


Is he really worth it?

As for chatting....is he chatting in the room, which is really just a bunch of people chatting...or is he spending all his time with one person...or with a few people in IM? To some it doesn't matter, but to me I would be much less annoyed if he was just chatting and much more annoyed if he actually had someone he met in there.

It's time for a talk with your man.

My hubby still chats in Dim Chat...it is rarer now, but he still does it, I still do it, and sometimes the other only finds out the next day when we say "Oh I was in chat last night and so and so said blah". It's a trust thing. I have way more of an issue with myspace, youtube, yahoo and msn IM's, lol, but that's just me.

I wish you luck on finding a good middle ground if there is one.

[Jes]

That would make me angry checking my internet history, just like when an ex hacked into my email account or whatever she did, she read my emails anyway, she knew me, she was just insecure and paranoid. I have no interest in anybody's internet history or looking at their emails or checking their phones or whatever, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work it. It's clear that already with these trust issues something very long term is unlikely, I certainly couldn't have a long term relationship with someone if I couldn't freely talk about everything with them.

right? And, I think the OP doesn't sound happy in this relationship. Not as happy or trusting (and I don't mean to say she SHOULD trust him) or content as one should be. When something weighs on you this much, and you feel ignored, or like your concerns aren't being listened to, then it's probably time to call it quits. You can't work through an issue if you're the only one working through it.

While anyone can post as he/she likes, I'm a bit uncomfortable with the OP asking us what we think, when a. her bf will be reading this and b. we're not inside of that relationship. It's a bit passive aggressive, and I think it's masking the loooong talk she needs to have with her BF. Ultimately, it all begins and ends there, and that's what matters. Opinions can be solicited, but perhaps from people outside of this community (anyone else who chats online, people offline, etc.)

[Cinda]

If you worry about his chat activities so much then you should join chat also. I would be more concerned if he did all his chatting in PMs rather than in the room openly. A LDR is hard enough without complicating it with trust issues.

One can never be sure of one's bf/spouse/gf since the computer age. You either have to Sherlock Holmes him or trust him. Btw, if he is flirting in chat with another bbw I'm sure she/they would love to know about you....

Good luck with your relationship, it doesn't sound healthy to me

[gypsy]

Seriously... do I have reason to feel betrayed about all this secretiveness, him complimenting bigger, better girls and all this ....
...or am I completely wrong about all this??




My answer is... yes.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed too. He prefers to be online instead of talking with you? He won't chat in front of you? He erases his history on the net??? That SCREAMS untrustworthy right there. And telling you that you are not big enough? That is just plain bullshit. ANY man that tells you that is no better than anyone else telling you you're too fat.

This guy sounds like all he wants is to have his cake and eat it too.

My advice? Find a worthy guy to be with who will be honest with you. You sound like a really understanding woman, who needs one of the good guys. This one sounds like a weasel.

[MissCellaneous]

Wow!
Thanks for all the replies. It really helps me while thinking about all this.
Its not that I would like somebody to tell me exactly what he´s doing there in the chat (if it was only about that I could just log on there and try to talk to him as a stranger...but this is absolutely not what I want).

It is more about hearing your opinions on what you would feel if you were in my situation, but also feel what his situation is like.
I know that it is not allright playing "Sherlock"...as I did.
But on the other hand it isn´t allright to hide things from your partner or even lie...as he did. I think.
Whenever we ever started that discussion about chatting (and we had several unfortunate talks about this) he says I should just trust him. Which I have a hard time with...because as I mentioned before it bothers me that he´s
a) chatting A LOT with beautiful girls that are exactly his type (maybe even more than I am)
b) making a secret about the internet stuff he does (why isn´t he for example as open about it as BigBellySSBBW and her hubby)

Maybe you´re right NancyGirl that he´s more involved in all that and even other websites than he wants me to know. Worst case scenario.
I am jealous regarding his internet activities, but only because I love him so much and would like to be the ONLY one for him. Thats not at all the feeling I have. I am just one out of a bunch of BBWs he spends his daily time with.

Just to be fair I need to clear two things up:
-he´s not telling me I HAVE TO gain weight...he says its absolutely up to me, but he would enjoy it (and as he likes bigger women and weight gain)
-he claims to always mention in the chat that he´s in a relationship (but even if that is true...in my opinion it still doesn´t necessarily mean he isn´t flirting)

Anyway... I don´t want to bother you more with my worries.
You´ve helped me already. Really. Its a question of trust after all. One has to trust...but on the other hand this trust has to be deserved. And certain actions just gamble the trust away. What action there is really going on... (???) ...only he can tell me.
At least this here proofs that there are quite a few other girls that wouldn´t like their boyfriends doing such stuff as well.
He blames me for being jealous, but I hope he will understand why I have these bad feelings and that they are not completely without a reason (so that our discussions are NOT ONLY my fault).
Thanks also for the solidarity that some mentioned.
Girls (and especially big girls) are wonderful :)

[activistfatgirl]

Alright, now why don'tcha pull up a chair and stay awhile? He can have chat, you can have the forums. :)

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

Alright, now why don'tcha pull up a chair and stay awhile? He can have chat, you can have the forums. :)


Now that sounds like a plan:)

[SamanthaNY]

Jealousy does not stem from loving someone "so much". It stems from insecurities in you which have nothing to do with your boyfriend, though circumstances surrounding him can exacerbate it. That doesn't mean any of this is your fault.

I think that's worthy of mention, since it means that the comfort you seek is within you, and your control.... not with chat, or your boyfriend.

[Rowan]

I just have to ask..how would you feel about someone searching your internet history and poking around in what you do? Yes you're in a LD relationship and that sucks. Yeah it seems like you have some trust issues. But...it's not like you're married or anything. Doesnt a person still deserve to have some privacy and their own life? It's when you get married that you give up all your secrets and privacy id think.

Granted...some may not agree with the fact i think a person needs to have their own life for the most part and their own privacy...but heck..that's my two cents.

[jellymulder]

Exactly!! :)

I just have to ask..how would you feel about someone searching your internet history and poking around in what you do? Yes you're in a LD relationship and that sucks. Yeah it seems like you have some trust issues. But...it's not like you're married or anything. Doesnt a person still deserve to have some privacy and their own life? It's when you get married that you give up all your secrets and privacy id think.

Granted...some may not agree with the fact i think a person needs to have their own life for the most part and their own privacy...but heck..that's my two cents.

[mossystate]

Yeah, people have a right to their own life, but, they should put a bullet in a relationship if they feel a need to lie and be sneaky like some little kid. Telling a person you are going to bed, and you cut short a conversation, then you see they are chatting for hours...for F's sake, that is childish. Just tell the person you need to shake the day off of you in a different way and need to chat..or learn to play the flute...or pick lint from your belly button. The issue might not be so much that he is chatting, but that he lies. If He is not going to like you ' telling ' him what he should be doing, and you will never trust him.

Oh, and if you are forever thinking you are not good enough for him, he might one day..agree. But, at the end of the day, if you have all these doubts..is it really worth it?

Also, marriage should never be the only situation where honesty and respect..reside.

[Dibaby35]

Well the worst thing in life is wasting time. Go with your gut here and make a decision as to where you want your relationship to go. It's obvious your unhappy and you know he's not going to change his habits. So either live with it..or let him go. If he's really into you. He won't wanna loose you and decide to modify his ways. Also whats the difference if your checking his history versus going in and seeing whats going on in chat? I don't get that.

[Dibaby35]

I just have to ask..how would you feel about someone searching your internet history and poking around in what you do? Yes you're in a LD relationship and that sucks. Yeah it seems like you have some trust issues. But...it's not like you're married or anything. Doesnt a person still deserve to have some privacy and their own life? It's when you get married that you give up all your secrets and privacy id think.

Granted...some may not agree with the fact i think a person needs to have their own life for the most part and their own privacy...but heck..that's my two cents.

I get what your saying here. But I think most people if they really love someone wouldn't even take a risk of making their other half upset enough that they would even think that they would have to check their histories. I know I wouldn't.

[BothGunsBlazing]

yeah, I suggest you go into chat and pretend to be some chick and message him and if he begins flirting with you and denying he is in a relationship, well, there you go.

I mean, just kidding, don't do that!

I'm the worst person to be giving chat room advice. :D

[AnnMarie]

I don't know what's going on with him or what he's doing or saying, but I have two points/thoughts on this in general.

1) I don't think flirting is a horrible thing and if he's not lying about being involved, even "less" of a horrible thing. But hey, that's just me.

2) I've experienced instances where insecurity and suspicion have played a role in someone hiding something that is an area of contention. Meaning... if he's chatting innocently and you have an issue with it (perhaps something viewed as an irrational problem if he's doing nothing "wrong") then he'd go to lengths to hide it to avoid more conversations about something that is, to him, a non-issue.

Not saying any of that is right or ok, just some areas of thought. Relationships are very much about finding balance between each person's needs and wants. If you want a guy that isn't interested in chat/chatting, then you need to make that clear and make a break if he's not planning to stop chatting. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong, just probably wrong for each other.

Best of luck to you both.

[Jes]

AM, always the voice of reason....

[Bagalute]

...me! :eek: Hello everyone ;)

I am still not sure wether it is a good idea to reply (and thus making a "public" issue about something which should be a private one) but here it goes:

As for the facts: - 2 years and 1 month in a LDR
- She 25, he 23 years old

Thanks for everyone's replies including those with the advice for my gf to "move on"...we have come to a point where apparently everything has been said and all that's left is to agree to disagree (me being stubborn as a mule as always)...which is probably why she felt the need to consider other people's opinions. I am happy that she joined the forums and I am okay with what she posted however not so much the way she posted it (but we have already had a talk about this. I've been at her place for about a week now and she showed me her post right away).
Soooo my two cents in all this:
I think AnnMarie's post had a great deal of truth in it, especially the second point (thank you :) ). Cutting a conversation short by lying was a cheap thing to do, I agree. However keep in mind that we are in a long distance relationship (about 6 hours by either train or car) and we usually talk every day for at least one hour, give or take.

As for clearing my internet history:
Mostly an old habit, seriously. When I still used a computer my whole family had access to, I deleted everything BBW related - mostly because 98 percent of it was porn related back when I was 16 plus the usual closet FA thing lol. Then there is the fact that my gf has been knowing about my weight gain fantasies only for about 3 months or so. Before that I deleted all the stuff related to that.

As for my chat habits:
I do spend a lot of time in chat, no doubt. I often just lurk around while checking mails or looking up stuff at e-bay etc., sometimes I take part in whatever talk is going on. Sometimes I receive a compliment or two via private messaging to which I reply to. This usually ends when I tell the other person that I am in a relationship - which I do!
People who have witnessed otherwise or can confirm what I said may speak now or remain forever silent ;)

What's left to be said? I love my gf to death, she truly is an amazing person. I think most of her trust issues are based on what she called the feeling of "not being good enough" - which is not true. She is more jealous than average - even her mom, who was cheated on and left by her former husband, told her so once and it took me some time to convince her that Dimensions is more than a "meat market" or a place to arrange booty calls ;)
After all I am positively convinced our relationship is strong enough to handle this. The last days with her have been great and I don't think this going to change soon...or ever :)

[LisaInNC]

Well now wasnt that a huge waste of curiousity...for petes sake if you would have just gave us a name we could have all told you he doesnt flirt and this whole mess could have been avoided.

[goofy girl]

Is it horrible that I am kind of let down by the revelation of who the self proclaimed "deceptive, untrustworthy bastard" is?!? I was hoping it would be someone we could tear apart for leading on alllll the girls and back-stabbing us!

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...He doesn't even flirt! LOL. If gf (sorry..I forget the original posters name) is upset because he was in here too long, and sort of lying to her or whatever..well, OK...it sounds like they worked it out..but GF (sorry..I still forget your name)..rest assured-as far as I know anyway..he doesn't even flirt! Honestly, I think he is one of the ones that logs in and forget they are there, he rarely chats. But when he does, he's not being inappropriate in any way! He usually talks about music, or guitars. I'm pretty sure he's even mentioned his gf in chat before...

It sounds like everything is good between the two of you, and I hope it stays that way!! :)

[SuziQ]

I appreciated how loving he is with her -- and that she is really trying to work it through the best way she knew how. The problem with trust started before she met him and she's beginning with the way she knows -- to be suspicious -- and trusting enough to check it out here and with him.

Everyone who reads this thread has the advantage of reading with her all of the wonderful, sound advice from you about having healthy relationships. She gets all those great perspectives and so do we.

And then we hear what he says and it all becomes clear and very loving. We see that they are just smoothing out a rough place in their relationship.

Because it's in a thread like this it becomes very hopeful for others who would like to have relationships that work. No one is perfect and we all get to see how to work through issues like this.

I thought all of you were great. I love a happy ending. :)