The Id
01-05-2008, 12:52 PM
~BBW, Romance, ~SWG - Lynn gets a few surprises in just a couple days
Lynn 3: Being a Good Hostess
By Id
(Click here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31661) for prior chapter)
As to be expected, it was on a Thursday that it finally happened.
Lynn had hurried to the Hostess Store after water polo practice, her hair barely dry. The weather was beginning to turn from beautiful, balmy high 70s to the frigid high 60s of a Southern Californian winter. To keep from getting too cold, Lynn had worn a long sleeved shirt from American Eagle that day. The store was warm enough inside that she didn’t need a jacket and if she happened to help stock the shelves, Lynn would often roll her sleeves up as the physical exertion warmed her up even further.
Today, as usual, Lynn was working the register for a few hours before she headed home for dinner with the family. As he always did, Tony came in to grab milk and bread to get the Tran family through another week.
Hanging out with Tony and the gang had definitely changed Lynn’s attitude towards Tony. Rather than basically ignore him like she used to, Lynn now sang out, “Hi Tony!” as he walked through the door.
“Hey Lynn,” Tony said with a smile.
“How are you?” Lynn asked as Tony navigated the aisles to get his usual purchase.
“Fine, fine,” Tony said, “How about yourself?”
“Just great,” Lynn replied.
“Water polo going okay?”
“Yeah. We won again the other day,” Lynn said.
“You guys are doing a great job. I’m sorry that we haven’t gotten out to watch you yet,” Tony said as he came to the register with his milk and bread, already counting out $5.78 automatically.
“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, we’re just going to go down the tubes soon enough,” Lynn said, “Besides, I’ve told you guys a million times that I don’t even play that much. You’d just get to see me sort of hanging out on the side watching most of the time.”
“But you would get to play eventually, and that’d be worth the whole outing,” Tony said, handing the exact change over. He’d taken to bringing 78 cents with him so Lynn wasn’t always having to scrape out 22 cents from the register. “Speaking of which, when is the next game?”
Lynn thought for a moment. “Tuesday. I think anyways. I’ll have to check.”
“I’ll see about penciling it in on my calendar. I know everybody else would like to go,” Tony said, “I mean, they showed up when I play water polo sometimes and seem to enjoy it. They even have a general idea of what’s going on in the game, so it’s not like they’d be totally lost.”
“Show up if you all want. I still say you guys have better ways to spend your time,” Lynn said, “Speaking of which, anything going on this weekend?”
Though she sounded casual in making the inquiry, the truth was that Lynn was itching to go out with the group again. Though she by no means neglected her other friends, going to various places with Tony, Kei, David, and Jeanine was something that Lynn had never done much of hitherto in high school and she enjoyed it quite a bit.
“Well, I was thinking maybe we could have dinner,” Tony said.
“Oh sure, that sounds great. Where were you thinking?” Lynn said.
“Wherever you like,” Tony said.
“I’m horrible at picking places that everybody would like,” Lynn said, “You’d better pick something.”
Tony paused for a moment. “Umm…what I meant was that I thought we could have dinner.”
Lynn was brought to an abrupt halt by that. “Oh! Like…you’re asking me out on a…date?”
“Yeah,” Tony said, letting the question awkwardly hang in the air because he didn’t know what else to say in a moment like this.
Lynn for her part didn’t know what to say either. This had caught her completely by surprise. Her mind was running at a mile a minute: Tony likes me? Where did this come from?! I don’t even know if I like him! He’s a nice guy and a good friend, but a boyfriend? What do I say? What do I do? Quick, do something! You’re just standing there!
“Well…when were you thinking?” Lynn said. Okay, that’s a good start. Non-committal, buys a bit of time to keep thinking…
“I’m pretty free all weekend,” Tony said, “Everybody else seemed busy with tests.”
Tests! Do I have any tests? Can’t think of any. This is the first time in my life I wish I had to study! “That’s too bad.”
Okay, what now?
“Can I…can I check with my mother? I don’t know everything that we’re doing this weekend. I don’t want to commit to anything only to disappoint you later. Can I call you tomorrow?”
That is the lamest excuse ever. He’s going to see right through that and you’re going to look like you’re too chicken to just tell him you don’t want to go out with him. But I can’t just tell him I don’t know if I want to go out with him! Now Tony’s going to hate me. I just know it. Stupid stupid stupid!
“Oh. Okay. Well, let me know as soon as possible,” Tony said, obviously a bit deflated, “I’ll, I’ll talk to you later.”
Lynn’s heart almost broke as Tony dejectedly left the store, but even if she’d had something to say to Tony, she couldn’t have said anything. She just watched him through the front windows until he’d gotten in his car and drove off.
Immediately, Lynn was beset with a thousand worries running around her head. How did this happen? Tony never gave me any of the signals that said he was interested in me! This is really all his fault for putting me in such an awkward position. If he’d at least hinted I might have been better prepared to give him a decent answer, having thought it all out before. Now it’s all awkward and I’m going to look like an insensitive idiot and he’s going to feel badly about the whole thing. Well, he should feel badly, but not about asking me out. And after he just ended things with Leah too! Am I a rebound for him? No, Tony’s not the sort of guy to just look for the closest girl at hand to try and forget a past flame. I think he really is interested in me.
But what am I supposed to do here? I’ve never thought about Tony as a potential boyfriend. That’s sort of weird…but I suppose he might be a nice guy to date. I might have to just give it a try and find out if I like him. Isn’t that what dating is for? But if we break up it’ll be all awkward and I probably won’t be able to hang out with Kei and Jeanine and David, and I really like them. But if I don’t go out with him, then there’s going to be this weird tension between us and everybody’s going to pick up on it and then one of us is going to have to tell everyone, which will be embarrassing for both of us. Oh Tony! Could this have gone any worse?
Suddenly, a new concern popped into Lynn’s head. Wait a second, why is Tony even asking me out? I mean, I’m not that special. I certainly am not that much of a looker. I mean, I’m way too fat. Maybe this is all a cruel joke. There’s no way Tony can really like me. Somebody must be putting him up to this.
As Lynn began to mentally degrade herself, she suddenly became conscious of all her adipose. She shifted her bubble butt uncomfortably on the stool she was half-sitting on at the register, acutely aware of how big her ass was. Lynn felt her flabby thighs rub together as she made even this slight movement. She could feel her jeans digging into her wide waist and knew that she was undoubtedly sporting a muffin top that, if it had been a real muffin, probably would have broken some Guinness world record. Lynn shivered at the thought of her fat abdomen, a vast expanse of brown flesh, oozing out from beneath her shirt and above the tight waistband of her jeans. As always, Lynn’s most severe criticism was saved for her belly, which she knew stuck out in front of her as if trying to call everyone’s attention to that most embarrassing feature of her body and nothing else. Lynn unconsciously stuck one finger in her somewhat deep belly button to confirm its monstrous size. And it needed no saying that, at least in her eyes, Lynn’s face was much too chubby and ugly.
Needless to say, the above description was a gross exaggeration of what Lynn actually looked like. If Lynn really looked like she thought she did, she probably would have weighed upwards of 200 pounds without much trouble at all. Though she’d never been secure in her weight, Tony’s asking her on a date shook the foundation of Lynn’s self image. The very thought that a boy, and a rather nice and generally handsome one at that, would find her attractive did not compute in Lynn’s head. Lynn could not believe that anyone could ever be attracted to her. And Lynn believed that so much of dating is based on physical attraction at the outset that she knew that her appearance had to be a factor in Tony’s evaluation of her.
Never mind the fact that if Lynn had really thought about it she would have realized that Tony was the last person who would ever ask a girl out as a joke and that he must have obviously liked her on some level. Never mind the fact that Tony and Lynn had been getting to know one another in a casual setting, which meant that Tony had been able to get to know Lynn as a person and he wasn’t just asking her out randomly. All that Lynn was thinking was that there was no way Tony could truly want to go out with her. Because, of course, in high school when everyone is trying to learn the rules of dating, all guys randomly ask out girls that they don’t really like.
So discombobulated was Lynn that she didn’t even realize that someone had walked into the store until the door had swung shut with a bang. Lynn looked up and was surprised to see a girl her own age hurriedly going down one of the aisles.
“Hi,” Lynn said, trying to be pleasant and greet customers as Mrs. Phan liked.
The girl made no reply, but just put her head down and kept going through the aisles. Though there were plenty of gruff people who came in that never greeted Lynn back, Lynn somehow instinctively knew that wasn’t the case with this girl. Lynn tried not to be rude and stare, but her curiosity resulted in Lynn stealing glances to get a better look at this new customer.
The girl was a smidge taller than Lynn and, like her, she was definitely on the chubby side. In fact, she was definitely bigger than Lynn, but it didn’t look like she was that fat. She was a bit of an hourglass figure, but she still sported a definite tummy on her. Her hips were quite round and her thighs were nice and meaty as well. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that definitely showcased her curves, rather than attempt to hide them. The short sleeves on Lynn’s shirt showed off her pudgy arms as well. In addition to all this, the girl had thick, dark hair that curled in every direction. She was somewhat tan in a bit of an olive skinned way, and this offset her blue eyes nicely.
However, those eyes looked like they might have been crying not too long ago, but Lynn wasn’t about to inquire into affairs that weren’t her own. She was a cashier, not a psychologist, let alone this girl’s best friend. Still, Lynn could sympathize with this girl. She’d probably had a very rough day. Lynn hadn’t exactly been kicked around like she got the impression this girl had been, but the whole thing with Tony had definitely shaken her up a bit more than a bit.
The girl came up to the register and put one package of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos on the counter as she began digging in her purse. Before she knew what she was saying, Lynn said, “No, it’s okay.”
The girl looked up from searching in her purse. “Huh?”
“You don’t have to pay anything,” Lynn said, “They’re on the house today.”
The curly haired girl looked at Lynn incredulously. “That’s really nice of you, but I’m sure your boss wouldn’t appreciate that.”
“No really, I get to have a couple myself whenever I want. You can have mine today,” Lynn said, “Look, you…you look like you need them a bit more than I do today. So just consider them a gift. Please.”
The girl paused a moment. “Thank you,” she said, “Thanks very much.”
She grabbed the two delicious chocolate and cream treats and quickly hurried out of the store. Lynn discreetly watched her get in her car and drive off.
What a crazy day today has been, Lynn thought, and quickly fell back to fretting about Tony and what she should do about that situation.
***
In fact, that was all Lynn did for the next twenty four hours. She could barely concentrate on her homework, she was unusually quiet at dinner, she had trouble falling asleep, and Lynn didn’t pay attention at all while in class. Her mother knew that something was up, but hadn’t the slightest idea what. She wanted to help her daughter, but somehow she figure that the best thing to do was to just leave Lynn alone for the moment. Mrs. Phan figured that if Lynn wanted her advice, she’d ask for it. If things persisted, then she might see about asking Lynn what was going on, but Mrs. Phan knew that her daughter was growing in independence and would probably appreciate having some space to try to figure things out on her own. In that respect, Mrs. Phan was beginning to catch on to things.
The truth was that if Mrs. Phan had asked Lynn, Lynn wouldn’t have been sure of what to tell her mother. This was mainly because the whole issue had become so jumbled and confused in her head that Lynn barely knew what she should be thinking about anymore to truly solve the issue. One moment she was preoccupied with whether Tony could truly like her, the next she was telling herself that boys would never find a fat girl attractive. In fact, Lynn had lost sight of the fact that what she should really be thinking about was whether or not she wanted to go out with Tony in the first place. Though the question wasn’t quite that simple, that was essentially the matter at hand if Lynn had cared to strip it down to its core.
After water polo practice on Friday, Lynn hastened over to the Hostess Store to put in a few hours. She needed to make a decision about whether or not she wanted to go out with Tony in the near future. It was already awkward enough she hadn’t given him an answer when he first asked. To keep him waiting much longer would just be rude, and that was the last thing that Lynn wanted to be.
Her ruminations on the subject were interrupted by a customer coming into the store, and Lynn was surprised to find it was the curly haired girl from the day before.
“Hi,” Lynn said, trying to mask her surprise. The girl seemed to be having a much better day today if her facial expression was any indication.
“Hello,” the girl said, coming over to the register, “I thought I’d come by and thank you for being so nice to me yesterday.”
“Oh, it was nothing. You looked like you’d had a rough day,” Lynn said.
“That’s putting it mildly. You were just about the only person who was nice to me all day,” the girl said, “My name’s Lizzie, by the way.”
“Lynn,” Lynn said, sticking her hand out to shake Lizzie’s.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to take you to dinner when you get off work,” Lizzie said.
“Oh you don’t have to do that!” Lynn said, surprised by the offer, “That’s so nice of you, but really, I just gave you not even a couple dollars of snacks. I’m flattered—”
“No really. It meant a lot to me,” Lizzie said, interrupting to prevent Lynn from going further, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d let me show my appreciation. I’ll explain why it meant so much to me over dinner.”
“Well, it’s just that I’d feel a little awkward going to dinner with you when I barely know you…” Lynn said, embarrassed to have to put things bluntly.
Lizzie laughed. “Oh come on, it’s not like we’re going out to some fancy place. I was just going to take you to the diner down the block. Real casual. Besides, how can you get to know me if we don’t do something like go to dinner? I swear I’m not going to kidnap you or do anything like that.”
Lynn considered for a moment. A free dinner was an attractive prospect, especially because practice had left her rather hungry. And Lizzie did seem nice. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to make a new friend.
“Okay, I give in. I’d love to join you. I get off in like forty five minutes or so,” Lynn said.
“Great!” Lizzie said, “I’m just going to go run a couple errands my Mom wanted me to do while I was out. See you soon.”
With that Lizzie whisked her chubby body out of the store.
Three quarters of an hour later, Lynn left the Hostess Store and met Lizzie outside and the pair proceeded to head to the low key diner that was at the other end of the strip mall that the Hostess Store was located in. The pair ordered and Lynn was surprised to see that Lizzie didn’t have the slightest shame about ordering whatever she wanted. She substituted seasoned curly fries for regular fries, got a milkshake, and commented that she was saving room for dessert. Lynn, on the other hand, tried to keep her order on the smaller side to be conscious of her weight, though she naturally didn’t say so.
“Not hungry?” Lizzie asked after the waitress had left.
“Yeah…” Lynn said, though that was far from the case, “I had a big lunch today.”
Lizzie shrugged. They proceeded to tell each other a bit about themselves. It turned out that Lizzie, whose last name was Carle, went to a different high school, Hopkins High, than Lynn, which explained why Lynn didn’t recognize her even though they were the same age. Lizzie seemed somewhat impressed by the fact that Lynn played water polo and was glad to hear that the RFK team was doing well. As it turned out, Hopkins was one the teams in RFK’s league and they’d actually be playing in a couple weeks.
There were a few further pleasantries before Lizzie said, “So I guess I’d better explain everything. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days in my life. It seemed like everyone was getting down on me. Life isn’t exactly a cakewalk, you know, but things had actually been going all right for me and then it was like everything collapsed. All of a sudden it was like it was open hunting season on me. All of those catty ‘cool’ girls started giving me those disgusting looks and making thinly-veiled comments about my weight. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, but it just came out of nowhere and was like there was a target on my butt or something. It kept going all day, no matter where I was. By the end of the day, I was so dejected that I just had to get some delicious comfort food, and if Ho Hos and Ding Dongs don’t qualify for that, then I don’t know what does! In any event, when I came in I was still feeling pretty bad, and then you gave them to me for free. You were seriously the nicest person I’d encountered all day, and it just meant so much that you’d do something like that for a complete stranger.”
“Well, I’m glad that a random act of kindness made such a great impact. I guess you just never know how you’re going to influence people,” Lynn said, somewhat embarrassed at being told she’d had such a profound, if perhaps brief, impact in another person’s life.
“Besides, us fat girls have to stick together,” Lizzie added.
This comment somewhat unsettled Lynn. Though she readily, if not happily, admitted that she was chubby, to be called fat wasn’t exactly appealing to Lynn. And yet Lizzie said it as if she should somehow be proud of it. Lynn wasn’t even sure if she’d call Lizzie fat either. She certainly had curves, and she didn’t seem to be shy about showing them off. After all, she was once again wearing a t-shirt that was pretty tight, showing off her ample bosom and her burgeoning belly. Lizzie’s jeans seemed to compliment her wide hips instead of making her look worse by acknowledging their size. Lynn wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that remark, as simple as it was.
Lizzie seemed to pick up on Lynn’s hesitancy. “Let me guess, you’re not thrilled about being fat,” Lizzie said, cutting right to the chase. She certainly had a way about being direct.
“Well, no, but that’s not to say I’d call myself fat—” Lynn began.
“See, that’s half the problem. Fat is considered such a negative word. Nobody wants to use it. It’s as if calling yourself fat was to somehow imply you were less of a person,” Lizzie said, “I felt that way once and thank God I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I’m somewhat confused,” Lynn said, “I’m not sure we see eye to eye here. Isn’t being…fat a bad thing?”
“Well, of course one can take it too far. But there’s nothing wrong with it if that’s just how you are. Some people are just built bigger than others. You said you do water polo. How often do you have to practice for that?”
“Four or five times a week,” Lynn said offhandedly, but somewhat unsure what this had to do with anything.
“I bet you get a great work out doing that, don’t you?” Lizzie continued.
“Yeah.”
“And how much do you weigh?” Lizzie said. The question surprised Lynn. For girls to discuss their weight was still a taboo question unless you were best friends, and sometimes not even then.
“I don’t know if I’m quite comfortable answering that,” Lynn said slowly.
“I weigh 186 pounds,” Lizzie stated without embarrassment, “or at least I did the last time I cared to look. Now, I can tell you weigh less than that, so there’s no need to be ashamed about anything. I only ask because I want to make a point, and it’s nothing bad about you, I swear.”
Lynn caved in and mumbled, “137 pounds.”
She’d put on some more weight over the last few weeks, and Lynn hadn’t been happy. She was beginning to find that her pants were growing tight on her and she was dreading having to go up a size in her wardrobe. As it was, her belly was hanging over the waist of her pants, just barely falling into her lap. Her butt had also taken a bit of the brunt of the growth and all her pants were tighter in the seat than they had been, or should be for that matter.
“If you’re playing water polo to the point of having four practices a week, plus probably at least a game a week I bet, you’re working out more than most people our age. You just don’t stand around all the time in a sport like that—you have to tread water to stay afloat, even when you’re not playing or doing much. And then you’re swimming all over the place when you are playing. If you’re working out that much, I really doubt that you were made to be any other way than you are now,” Lizzie said.
The idea actually resonated somewhat with Lynn, but she was still unsure. “I don’t mean to be rude, but it sounds like I should just give up and accept I’m always going to be fat.”
“That’s putting it a bit negatively,” Lizzie said, “I’d rather say that you accept who you are and are happy with yourself regardless of what size you are.”
Lynn realized that Lizzie was beginning to sound a lot like her mother. However, Lynn seemed to like it a lot more coming from someone her own age, someone who went through the same pressures that she did. “I’ve heard that quite a bit, but isn’t obesity a problem in this country? If we all followed this idea, we’d probably be a nation of fat people.”
“Our idea of what’s ‘healthy’ is completely skewed. Don’t even get me started on what a load of bull BMI is,” Lizzie said, obviously getting into a bit of a passion, “Look, I don’t mean to make assumptions, but you and I just aren’t supposed to be thin, and some people are, and we shouldn’t feel badly about that. That doesn’t mean we can’t be attractive and outgoing. Being fat is not the end of our lives—it’s part of our lives and we can choose to make it a positive thing or a negative thing.”
“Okay, okay, I think I see what you’re saying, but as for being attractive, let’s be honest. There are certain standards of beauty that you and I don’t meet, though I don’t mean that as an insult, just a fact. We can try to be upbeat about it and dress nicely, as you do, but as much as we might hope for it, boys aren’t exactly going to come flocking,” Lynn said.
“Don’t I know it,” Lizzie sighed, “Yeah, it’s a problem. They’re out there though. Trust me.”
“Really?” Lynn said, perking up, “Do you…have a boyfriend who thinks you’re cute?”
“No,” Lizzie said with a frown, “I wish though. I just know they’re out there because of the Internet. There are a lot of guys who think fat girls are beautiful, though even though they use terms like ‘curvy’ or ‘fuller figured’ or something like that to dance around saying fat. I think that a lot of boys in high school who feel that way are too afraid to take a chance at being different for the most part. Peer pressure is a very powerful thing.”
This new intelligence was of great interest to Lynn. Was it possible that Tony was one of these people who might actually find her attractive? Though it was hard to fathom that he might like Lynn not in spite of the fact she was chubby, but rather because of it, the thought it could be true caused an utter revolution within Lynn. All of a sudden, it settled the ongoing debate within her that had been tearing her apart.
“So, like, what if you were asked out by a guy? You know, he was brave enough to ask you out, which probably meant he found you attractive. Would that mean you’d go out with him because of that?” Lynn said, trying to be as casual as she could be.
“Well, it depends on the guy. I’m not just going to settle for any old guy. While it would be a mark in his favor, I won’t go out with a total sleaze. If I did, then it would defeat the whole idea that we’re beautiful in being fat,” Lizzie said, “We should be picky like thin girls are. We shouldn’t have to settle with dorky guys who can’t cut it anywhere else. If we did, then it would undermine the idea that we are beautiful and are desirable, you know what I’m saying? I’m not going to be somebody’s last resort. Now, that doesn’t mean I’d just dismiss the first three guys who asked me out to prove a point. But if I liked him and he was a good guy, I’d absolutely go out with him.”
Lynn nodded. At that moment their food arrived. Lynn was having a cheeseburger and Lizzie had ordered a large tuna melt made on cheesy bread, which was surrounded by seasoned curly fries.
Both girls’ mouths watered automatically at their respective dishes.
“I’m so hungry,” Lizzie said before grabbing her sandwich.
“Me too,” Lynn said as she grabbed her cheeseburger, “And, on second thought, I think I will join you for dessert.”
***
Though Lynn’s chat with Lizzie didn’t quiet all of her doubts when Lynn thought back on it later that evening after a particularly delicious hot fudge sundae, Lynn did find that she was much less uncertain about a potential date with Tony than she had been before talking with Lizzie. For some reason it had taken Lizzie to finally ram the message home to Lynn that it was okay to be chubby—Lynn still had no desire to call herself fat—and that boys might actually like that. The thought that Tony might be one of those boys was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Lynn didn’t want to make wild assumptions that would prove to be unfounded only to be disappointed.
Still, though Lynn wasn’t totally buying into the idea that she should give up on trying to be thin, the idea of going on a date with someone no longer caused a total crisis of confidence and identity in Lynn Phan. It did, however, still cause her to be nervous, but no more so than any other teenage girl. Lynn, not having discussed dating with any of her friends, didn’t know that every girl was prey to these sorts of worries and doubts. If she had, it might have made her feel a bit better, but probably not much more. In high school, even those most experienced in dating were prey to gnawing doubts when it came to accepting or rejecting an offer of a date.
She got home that night and went straight to her room to think the matter over. She knew that she should call Tony soon and figured that waiting any longer wasn’t going to do any good. Still, her hand shook a bit as she reached for the phone. Lynn dialed Tony’s number and nervously waited through the rings until he picked up.
“Hello?” Tony’s voice came.
“Hi, Tony. It’s Lynn,” Lynn said, her heart beating fast. She was afraid that her voice might sound squeaky.
“Hi Lynn,” Tony said on the other end. Lynn had no idea that Tony had been anxiously waiting for her call all day, but at the same time afraid of the moment when he’d have to hear Lynn’s voice. The fear of rejection was so powerful that a part of Tony almost wished that Lynn wouldn’t call, but at the same time another part of him desperately wanted her to call in the hopes that she just might go out with him.
“Ummm…how are you?” Lynn said, unsure of what to say for a moment.
“Good, good,” Tony said quickly, “You?”
“Oh, fine,” Lynn said. Then followed a rather awkward pause. Lynn mustered up the courage to make the next move. “Say, I was thinking about, you know, going to dinner.”
“Yeah?” Tony said, his heart now beating faster than before. He was almost afraid that Lynn could hear it on the other end. For her part, Lynn was just as nervous, even though she knew what she was going to say.
“I think that’d be really nice,” Lynn said.
(Click here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34994) for next chapter)
Lynn 3: Being a Good Hostess
By Id
(Click here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31661) for prior chapter)
As to be expected, it was on a Thursday that it finally happened.
Lynn had hurried to the Hostess Store after water polo practice, her hair barely dry. The weather was beginning to turn from beautiful, balmy high 70s to the frigid high 60s of a Southern Californian winter. To keep from getting too cold, Lynn had worn a long sleeved shirt from American Eagle that day. The store was warm enough inside that she didn’t need a jacket and if she happened to help stock the shelves, Lynn would often roll her sleeves up as the physical exertion warmed her up even further.
Today, as usual, Lynn was working the register for a few hours before she headed home for dinner with the family. As he always did, Tony came in to grab milk and bread to get the Tran family through another week.
Hanging out with Tony and the gang had definitely changed Lynn’s attitude towards Tony. Rather than basically ignore him like she used to, Lynn now sang out, “Hi Tony!” as he walked through the door.
“Hey Lynn,” Tony said with a smile.
“How are you?” Lynn asked as Tony navigated the aisles to get his usual purchase.
“Fine, fine,” Tony said, “How about yourself?”
“Just great,” Lynn replied.
“Water polo going okay?”
“Yeah. We won again the other day,” Lynn said.
“You guys are doing a great job. I’m sorry that we haven’t gotten out to watch you yet,” Tony said as he came to the register with his milk and bread, already counting out $5.78 automatically.
“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, we’re just going to go down the tubes soon enough,” Lynn said, “Besides, I’ve told you guys a million times that I don’t even play that much. You’d just get to see me sort of hanging out on the side watching most of the time.”
“But you would get to play eventually, and that’d be worth the whole outing,” Tony said, handing the exact change over. He’d taken to bringing 78 cents with him so Lynn wasn’t always having to scrape out 22 cents from the register. “Speaking of which, when is the next game?”
Lynn thought for a moment. “Tuesday. I think anyways. I’ll have to check.”
“I’ll see about penciling it in on my calendar. I know everybody else would like to go,” Tony said, “I mean, they showed up when I play water polo sometimes and seem to enjoy it. They even have a general idea of what’s going on in the game, so it’s not like they’d be totally lost.”
“Show up if you all want. I still say you guys have better ways to spend your time,” Lynn said, “Speaking of which, anything going on this weekend?”
Though she sounded casual in making the inquiry, the truth was that Lynn was itching to go out with the group again. Though she by no means neglected her other friends, going to various places with Tony, Kei, David, and Jeanine was something that Lynn had never done much of hitherto in high school and she enjoyed it quite a bit.
“Well, I was thinking maybe we could have dinner,” Tony said.
“Oh sure, that sounds great. Where were you thinking?” Lynn said.
“Wherever you like,” Tony said.
“I’m horrible at picking places that everybody would like,” Lynn said, “You’d better pick something.”
Tony paused for a moment. “Umm…what I meant was that I thought we could have dinner.”
Lynn was brought to an abrupt halt by that. “Oh! Like…you’re asking me out on a…date?”
“Yeah,” Tony said, letting the question awkwardly hang in the air because he didn’t know what else to say in a moment like this.
Lynn for her part didn’t know what to say either. This had caught her completely by surprise. Her mind was running at a mile a minute: Tony likes me? Where did this come from?! I don’t even know if I like him! He’s a nice guy and a good friend, but a boyfriend? What do I say? What do I do? Quick, do something! You’re just standing there!
“Well…when were you thinking?” Lynn said. Okay, that’s a good start. Non-committal, buys a bit of time to keep thinking…
“I’m pretty free all weekend,” Tony said, “Everybody else seemed busy with tests.”
Tests! Do I have any tests? Can’t think of any. This is the first time in my life I wish I had to study! “That’s too bad.”
Okay, what now?
“Can I…can I check with my mother? I don’t know everything that we’re doing this weekend. I don’t want to commit to anything only to disappoint you later. Can I call you tomorrow?”
That is the lamest excuse ever. He’s going to see right through that and you’re going to look like you’re too chicken to just tell him you don’t want to go out with him. But I can’t just tell him I don’t know if I want to go out with him! Now Tony’s going to hate me. I just know it. Stupid stupid stupid!
“Oh. Okay. Well, let me know as soon as possible,” Tony said, obviously a bit deflated, “I’ll, I’ll talk to you later.”
Lynn’s heart almost broke as Tony dejectedly left the store, but even if she’d had something to say to Tony, she couldn’t have said anything. She just watched him through the front windows until he’d gotten in his car and drove off.
Immediately, Lynn was beset with a thousand worries running around her head. How did this happen? Tony never gave me any of the signals that said he was interested in me! This is really all his fault for putting me in such an awkward position. If he’d at least hinted I might have been better prepared to give him a decent answer, having thought it all out before. Now it’s all awkward and I’m going to look like an insensitive idiot and he’s going to feel badly about the whole thing. Well, he should feel badly, but not about asking me out. And after he just ended things with Leah too! Am I a rebound for him? No, Tony’s not the sort of guy to just look for the closest girl at hand to try and forget a past flame. I think he really is interested in me.
But what am I supposed to do here? I’ve never thought about Tony as a potential boyfriend. That’s sort of weird…but I suppose he might be a nice guy to date. I might have to just give it a try and find out if I like him. Isn’t that what dating is for? But if we break up it’ll be all awkward and I probably won’t be able to hang out with Kei and Jeanine and David, and I really like them. But if I don’t go out with him, then there’s going to be this weird tension between us and everybody’s going to pick up on it and then one of us is going to have to tell everyone, which will be embarrassing for both of us. Oh Tony! Could this have gone any worse?
Suddenly, a new concern popped into Lynn’s head. Wait a second, why is Tony even asking me out? I mean, I’m not that special. I certainly am not that much of a looker. I mean, I’m way too fat. Maybe this is all a cruel joke. There’s no way Tony can really like me. Somebody must be putting him up to this.
As Lynn began to mentally degrade herself, she suddenly became conscious of all her adipose. She shifted her bubble butt uncomfortably on the stool she was half-sitting on at the register, acutely aware of how big her ass was. Lynn felt her flabby thighs rub together as she made even this slight movement. She could feel her jeans digging into her wide waist and knew that she was undoubtedly sporting a muffin top that, if it had been a real muffin, probably would have broken some Guinness world record. Lynn shivered at the thought of her fat abdomen, a vast expanse of brown flesh, oozing out from beneath her shirt and above the tight waistband of her jeans. As always, Lynn’s most severe criticism was saved for her belly, which she knew stuck out in front of her as if trying to call everyone’s attention to that most embarrassing feature of her body and nothing else. Lynn unconsciously stuck one finger in her somewhat deep belly button to confirm its monstrous size. And it needed no saying that, at least in her eyes, Lynn’s face was much too chubby and ugly.
Needless to say, the above description was a gross exaggeration of what Lynn actually looked like. If Lynn really looked like she thought she did, she probably would have weighed upwards of 200 pounds without much trouble at all. Though she’d never been secure in her weight, Tony’s asking her on a date shook the foundation of Lynn’s self image. The very thought that a boy, and a rather nice and generally handsome one at that, would find her attractive did not compute in Lynn’s head. Lynn could not believe that anyone could ever be attracted to her. And Lynn believed that so much of dating is based on physical attraction at the outset that she knew that her appearance had to be a factor in Tony’s evaluation of her.
Never mind the fact that if Lynn had really thought about it she would have realized that Tony was the last person who would ever ask a girl out as a joke and that he must have obviously liked her on some level. Never mind the fact that Tony and Lynn had been getting to know one another in a casual setting, which meant that Tony had been able to get to know Lynn as a person and he wasn’t just asking her out randomly. All that Lynn was thinking was that there was no way Tony could truly want to go out with her. Because, of course, in high school when everyone is trying to learn the rules of dating, all guys randomly ask out girls that they don’t really like.
So discombobulated was Lynn that she didn’t even realize that someone had walked into the store until the door had swung shut with a bang. Lynn looked up and was surprised to see a girl her own age hurriedly going down one of the aisles.
“Hi,” Lynn said, trying to be pleasant and greet customers as Mrs. Phan liked.
The girl made no reply, but just put her head down and kept going through the aisles. Though there were plenty of gruff people who came in that never greeted Lynn back, Lynn somehow instinctively knew that wasn’t the case with this girl. Lynn tried not to be rude and stare, but her curiosity resulted in Lynn stealing glances to get a better look at this new customer.
The girl was a smidge taller than Lynn and, like her, she was definitely on the chubby side. In fact, she was definitely bigger than Lynn, but it didn’t look like she was that fat. She was a bit of an hourglass figure, but she still sported a definite tummy on her. Her hips were quite round and her thighs were nice and meaty as well. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that definitely showcased her curves, rather than attempt to hide them. The short sleeves on Lynn’s shirt showed off her pudgy arms as well. In addition to all this, the girl had thick, dark hair that curled in every direction. She was somewhat tan in a bit of an olive skinned way, and this offset her blue eyes nicely.
However, those eyes looked like they might have been crying not too long ago, but Lynn wasn’t about to inquire into affairs that weren’t her own. She was a cashier, not a psychologist, let alone this girl’s best friend. Still, Lynn could sympathize with this girl. She’d probably had a very rough day. Lynn hadn’t exactly been kicked around like she got the impression this girl had been, but the whole thing with Tony had definitely shaken her up a bit more than a bit.
The girl came up to the register and put one package of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos on the counter as she began digging in her purse. Before she knew what she was saying, Lynn said, “No, it’s okay.”
The girl looked up from searching in her purse. “Huh?”
“You don’t have to pay anything,” Lynn said, “They’re on the house today.”
The curly haired girl looked at Lynn incredulously. “That’s really nice of you, but I’m sure your boss wouldn’t appreciate that.”
“No really, I get to have a couple myself whenever I want. You can have mine today,” Lynn said, “Look, you…you look like you need them a bit more than I do today. So just consider them a gift. Please.”
The girl paused a moment. “Thank you,” she said, “Thanks very much.”
She grabbed the two delicious chocolate and cream treats and quickly hurried out of the store. Lynn discreetly watched her get in her car and drive off.
What a crazy day today has been, Lynn thought, and quickly fell back to fretting about Tony and what she should do about that situation.
***
In fact, that was all Lynn did for the next twenty four hours. She could barely concentrate on her homework, she was unusually quiet at dinner, she had trouble falling asleep, and Lynn didn’t pay attention at all while in class. Her mother knew that something was up, but hadn’t the slightest idea what. She wanted to help her daughter, but somehow she figure that the best thing to do was to just leave Lynn alone for the moment. Mrs. Phan figured that if Lynn wanted her advice, she’d ask for it. If things persisted, then she might see about asking Lynn what was going on, but Mrs. Phan knew that her daughter was growing in independence and would probably appreciate having some space to try to figure things out on her own. In that respect, Mrs. Phan was beginning to catch on to things.
The truth was that if Mrs. Phan had asked Lynn, Lynn wouldn’t have been sure of what to tell her mother. This was mainly because the whole issue had become so jumbled and confused in her head that Lynn barely knew what she should be thinking about anymore to truly solve the issue. One moment she was preoccupied with whether Tony could truly like her, the next she was telling herself that boys would never find a fat girl attractive. In fact, Lynn had lost sight of the fact that what she should really be thinking about was whether or not she wanted to go out with Tony in the first place. Though the question wasn’t quite that simple, that was essentially the matter at hand if Lynn had cared to strip it down to its core.
After water polo practice on Friday, Lynn hastened over to the Hostess Store to put in a few hours. She needed to make a decision about whether or not she wanted to go out with Tony in the near future. It was already awkward enough she hadn’t given him an answer when he first asked. To keep him waiting much longer would just be rude, and that was the last thing that Lynn wanted to be.
Her ruminations on the subject were interrupted by a customer coming into the store, and Lynn was surprised to find it was the curly haired girl from the day before.
“Hi,” Lynn said, trying to mask her surprise. The girl seemed to be having a much better day today if her facial expression was any indication.
“Hello,” the girl said, coming over to the register, “I thought I’d come by and thank you for being so nice to me yesterday.”
“Oh, it was nothing. You looked like you’d had a rough day,” Lynn said.
“That’s putting it mildly. You were just about the only person who was nice to me all day,” the girl said, “My name’s Lizzie, by the way.”
“Lynn,” Lynn said, sticking her hand out to shake Lizzie’s.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to take you to dinner when you get off work,” Lizzie said.
“Oh you don’t have to do that!” Lynn said, surprised by the offer, “That’s so nice of you, but really, I just gave you not even a couple dollars of snacks. I’m flattered—”
“No really. It meant a lot to me,” Lizzie said, interrupting to prevent Lynn from going further, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d let me show my appreciation. I’ll explain why it meant so much to me over dinner.”
“Well, it’s just that I’d feel a little awkward going to dinner with you when I barely know you…” Lynn said, embarrassed to have to put things bluntly.
Lizzie laughed. “Oh come on, it’s not like we’re going out to some fancy place. I was just going to take you to the diner down the block. Real casual. Besides, how can you get to know me if we don’t do something like go to dinner? I swear I’m not going to kidnap you or do anything like that.”
Lynn considered for a moment. A free dinner was an attractive prospect, especially because practice had left her rather hungry. And Lizzie did seem nice. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to make a new friend.
“Okay, I give in. I’d love to join you. I get off in like forty five minutes or so,” Lynn said.
“Great!” Lizzie said, “I’m just going to go run a couple errands my Mom wanted me to do while I was out. See you soon.”
With that Lizzie whisked her chubby body out of the store.
Three quarters of an hour later, Lynn left the Hostess Store and met Lizzie outside and the pair proceeded to head to the low key diner that was at the other end of the strip mall that the Hostess Store was located in. The pair ordered and Lynn was surprised to see that Lizzie didn’t have the slightest shame about ordering whatever she wanted. She substituted seasoned curly fries for regular fries, got a milkshake, and commented that she was saving room for dessert. Lynn, on the other hand, tried to keep her order on the smaller side to be conscious of her weight, though she naturally didn’t say so.
“Not hungry?” Lizzie asked after the waitress had left.
“Yeah…” Lynn said, though that was far from the case, “I had a big lunch today.”
Lizzie shrugged. They proceeded to tell each other a bit about themselves. It turned out that Lizzie, whose last name was Carle, went to a different high school, Hopkins High, than Lynn, which explained why Lynn didn’t recognize her even though they were the same age. Lizzie seemed somewhat impressed by the fact that Lynn played water polo and was glad to hear that the RFK team was doing well. As it turned out, Hopkins was one the teams in RFK’s league and they’d actually be playing in a couple weeks.
There were a few further pleasantries before Lizzie said, “So I guess I’d better explain everything. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days in my life. It seemed like everyone was getting down on me. Life isn’t exactly a cakewalk, you know, but things had actually been going all right for me and then it was like everything collapsed. All of a sudden it was like it was open hunting season on me. All of those catty ‘cool’ girls started giving me those disgusting looks and making thinly-veiled comments about my weight. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, but it just came out of nowhere and was like there was a target on my butt or something. It kept going all day, no matter where I was. By the end of the day, I was so dejected that I just had to get some delicious comfort food, and if Ho Hos and Ding Dongs don’t qualify for that, then I don’t know what does! In any event, when I came in I was still feeling pretty bad, and then you gave them to me for free. You were seriously the nicest person I’d encountered all day, and it just meant so much that you’d do something like that for a complete stranger.”
“Well, I’m glad that a random act of kindness made such a great impact. I guess you just never know how you’re going to influence people,” Lynn said, somewhat embarrassed at being told she’d had such a profound, if perhaps brief, impact in another person’s life.
“Besides, us fat girls have to stick together,” Lizzie added.
This comment somewhat unsettled Lynn. Though she readily, if not happily, admitted that she was chubby, to be called fat wasn’t exactly appealing to Lynn. And yet Lizzie said it as if she should somehow be proud of it. Lynn wasn’t even sure if she’d call Lizzie fat either. She certainly had curves, and she didn’t seem to be shy about showing them off. After all, she was once again wearing a t-shirt that was pretty tight, showing off her ample bosom and her burgeoning belly. Lizzie’s jeans seemed to compliment her wide hips instead of making her look worse by acknowledging their size. Lynn wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that remark, as simple as it was.
Lizzie seemed to pick up on Lynn’s hesitancy. “Let me guess, you’re not thrilled about being fat,” Lizzie said, cutting right to the chase. She certainly had a way about being direct.
“Well, no, but that’s not to say I’d call myself fat—” Lynn began.
“See, that’s half the problem. Fat is considered such a negative word. Nobody wants to use it. It’s as if calling yourself fat was to somehow imply you were less of a person,” Lizzie said, “I felt that way once and thank God I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I’m somewhat confused,” Lynn said, “I’m not sure we see eye to eye here. Isn’t being…fat a bad thing?”
“Well, of course one can take it too far. But there’s nothing wrong with it if that’s just how you are. Some people are just built bigger than others. You said you do water polo. How often do you have to practice for that?”
“Four or five times a week,” Lynn said offhandedly, but somewhat unsure what this had to do with anything.
“I bet you get a great work out doing that, don’t you?” Lizzie continued.
“Yeah.”
“And how much do you weigh?” Lizzie said. The question surprised Lynn. For girls to discuss their weight was still a taboo question unless you were best friends, and sometimes not even then.
“I don’t know if I’m quite comfortable answering that,” Lynn said slowly.
“I weigh 186 pounds,” Lizzie stated without embarrassment, “or at least I did the last time I cared to look. Now, I can tell you weigh less than that, so there’s no need to be ashamed about anything. I only ask because I want to make a point, and it’s nothing bad about you, I swear.”
Lynn caved in and mumbled, “137 pounds.”
She’d put on some more weight over the last few weeks, and Lynn hadn’t been happy. She was beginning to find that her pants were growing tight on her and she was dreading having to go up a size in her wardrobe. As it was, her belly was hanging over the waist of her pants, just barely falling into her lap. Her butt had also taken a bit of the brunt of the growth and all her pants were tighter in the seat than they had been, or should be for that matter.
“If you’re playing water polo to the point of having four practices a week, plus probably at least a game a week I bet, you’re working out more than most people our age. You just don’t stand around all the time in a sport like that—you have to tread water to stay afloat, even when you’re not playing or doing much. And then you’re swimming all over the place when you are playing. If you’re working out that much, I really doubt that you were made to be any other way than you are now,” Lizzie said.
The idea actually resonated somewhat with Lynn, but she was still unsure. “I don’t mean to be rude, but it sounds like I should just give up and accept I’m always going to be fat.”
“That’s putting it a bit negatively,” Lizzie said, “I’d rather say that you accept who you are and are happy with yourself regardless of what size you are.”
Lynn realized that Lizzie was beginning to sound a lot like her mother. However, Lynn seemed to like it a lot more coming from someone her own age, someone who went through the same pressures that she did. “I’ve heard that quite a bit, but isn’t obesity a problem in this country? If we all followed this idea, we’d probably be a nation of fat people.”
“Our idea of what’s ‘healthy’ is completely skewed. Don’t even get me started on what a load of bull BMI is,” Lizzie said, obviously getting into a bit of a passion, “Look, I don’t mean to make assumptions, but you and I just aren’t supposed to be thin, and some people are, and we shouldn’t feel badly about that. That doesn’t mean we can’t be attractive and outgoing. Being fat is not the end of our lives—it’s part of our lives and we can choose to make it a positive thing or a negative thing.”
“Okay, okay, I think I see what you’re saying, but as for being attractive, let’s be honest. There are certain standards of beauty that you and I don’t meet, though I don’t mean that as an insult, just a fact. We can try to be upbeat about it and dress nicely, as you do, but as much as we might hope for it, boys aren’t exactly going to come flocking,” Lynn said.
“Don’t I know it,” Lizzie sighed, “Yeah, it’s a problem. They’re out there though. Trust me.”
“Really?” Lynn said, perking up, “Do you…have a boyfriend who thinks you’re cute?”
“No,” Lizzie said with a frown, “I wish though. I just know they’re out there because of the Internet. There are a lot of guys who think fat girls are beautiful, though even though they use terms like ‘curvy’ or ‘fuller figured’ or something like that to dance around saying fat. I think that a lot of boys in high school who feel that way are too afraid to take a chance at being different for the most part. Peer pressure is a very powerful thing.”
This new intelligence was of great interest to Lynn. Was it possible that Tony was one of these people who might actually find her attractive? Though it was hard to fathom that he might like Lynn not in spite of the fact she was chubby, but rather because of it, the thought it could be true caused an utter revolution within Lynn. All of a sudden, it settled the ongoing debate within her that had been tearing her apart.
“So, like, what if you were asked out by a guy? You know, he was brave enough to ask you out, which probably meant he found you attractive. Would that mean you’d go out with him because of that?” Lynn said, trying to be as casual as she could be.
“Well, it depends on the guy. I’m not just going to settle for any old guy. While it would be a mark in his favor, I won’t go out with a total sleaze. If I did, then it would defeat the whole idea that we’re beautiful in being fat,” Lizzie said, “We should be picky like thin girls are. We shouldn’t have to settle with dorky guys who can’t cut it anywhere else. If we did, then it would undermine the idea that we are beautiful and are desirable, you know what I’m saying? I’m not going to be somebody’s last resort. Now, that doesn’t mean I’d just dismiss the first three guys who asked me out to prove a point. But if I liked him and he was a good guy, I’d absolutely go out with him.”
Lynn nodded. At that moment their food arrived. Lynn was having a cheeseburger and Lizzie had ordered a large tuna melt made on cheesy bread, which was surrounded by seasoned curly fries.
Both girls’ mouths watered automatically at their respective dishes.
“I’m so hungry,” Lizzie said before grabbing her sandwich.
“Me too,” Lynn said as she grabbed her cheeseburger, “And, on second thought, I think I will join you for dessert.”
***
Though Lynn’s chat with Lizzie didn’t quiet all of her doubts when Lynn thought back on it later that evening after a particularly delicious hot fudge sundae, Lynn did find that she was much less uncertain about a potential date with Tony than she had been before talking with Lizzie. For some reason it had taken Lizzie to finally ram the message home to Lynn that it was okay to be chubby—Lynn still had no desire to call herself fat—and that boys might actually like that. The thought that Tony might be one of those boys was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Lynn didn’t want to make wild assumptions that would prove to be unfounded only to be disappointed.
Still, though Lynn wasn’t totally buying into the idea that she should give up on trying to be thin, the idea of going on a date with someone no longer caused a total crisis of confidence and identity in Lynn Phan. It did, however, still cause her to be nervous, but no more so than any other teenage girl. Lynn, not having discussed dating with any of her friends, didn’t know that every girl was prey to these sorts of worries and doubts. If she had, it might have made her feel a bit better, but probably not much more. In high school, even those most experienced in dating were prey to gnawing doubts when it came to accepting or rejecting an offer of a date.
She got home that night and went straight to her room to think the matter over. She knew that she should call Tony soon and figured that waiting any longer wasn’t going to do any good. Still, her hand shook a bit as she reached for the phone. Lynn dialed Tony’s number and nervously waited through the rings until he picked up.
“Hello?” Tony’s voice came.
“Hi, Tony. It’s Lynn,” Lynn said, her heart beating fast. She was afraid that her voice might sound squeaky.
“Hi Lynn,” Tony said on the other end. Lynn had no idea that Tony had been anxiously waiting for her call all day, but at the same time afraid of the moment when he’d have to hear Lynn’s voice. The fear of rejection was so powerful that a part of Tony almost wished that Lynn wouldn’t call, but at the same time another part of him desperately wanted her to call in the hopes that she just might go out with him.
“Ummm…how are you?” Lynn said, unsure of what to say for a moment.
“Good, good,” Tony said quickly, “You?”
“Oh, fine,” Lynn said. Then followed a rather awkward pause. Lynn mustered up the courage to make the next move. “Say, I was thinking about, you know, going to dinner.”
“Yeah?” Tony said, his heart now beating faster than before. He was almost afraid that Lynn could hear it on the other end. For her part, Lynn was just as nervous, even though she knew what she was going to say.
“I think that’d be really nice,” Lynn said.
(Click here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34994) for next chapter)