Smacked in the face with reality...

[Weeze]

Do you ever think about your preferences? Or do you just live how you want? I was talking with a friend a little while ago about how sometimes, I actually freak myself out, we were talking about something completley different, but I think it applies to my being sexually attracted to women as well.
do you ever look at someone, find yourself attracted to them, and then stop yourself, and realize, Hey, I actually AM attracted to that person.

I'm probably not making any sense at all....

What I mean, I guess, is that the fact that I am queer still catches me off-guard sometimes. I find myself staring at a woman, and think Wow, this is how I am. I'm not denying myself anything... I just still get suprised, I guess?

Does anyone know what I mean, or am I just talking out of my ass?

[Melian]

I know what you mean.

It doesn't happen anymore, but when I was attracted to women for the first few times, I kind of stepped back and thought, "seriously?" It surprised me, because I had already been attracted to several men and figured I was straight...guess not, haha.

[Tracii]

I have those feelings too.
I have a GF that is so pretty everytime I get around her I get a warm fuzzy feeling and would love to give her a long dreamy kiss.
We have been friends for a long time and she knows I'm Bi and is OK with it.
When she gives me a hug I just melt.:smitten:

[Tad]

I first had this as an FA. Growing up, BBW my age were all but non-existent. I knew I was attracted to chubby gals, and had dreams of fatter, but that is different from feeling it in the moment. Once off at university, in a fatter city, I still remember being shocked at being surprised at the rush of lust I felt at meeting what seemed like truly fat young women for the first time (they were probably in the mid-200 pound range, but it seemed bit go me at the time). It was like "Holy cow, I can totally see myself hugging and kissing her, I could see dating her and looking forward to going out with her."

Later when I had the same experience around some roly-poly guys it was less of a shock, and more sort of a deja-vu experience. An "Oh, so I guess here is the evidence that this really is part of me too." Nothing is ever like the first time, I guess :p so it was more sort of nod at the feeling and move on.

[Cors]

I am quite in tune with my preferences now, but I certainly obsessed over it as a young girl. I must have mentally dissected every female that caught my eye, looked for trends and realised that they are all significantly bigger, masculine and strange in some way. When I came out, I found myself having to justify my preferences constantly to others and strangely enough, the self-questioning stopped. I suppose I ended up convincing myself that it is not a big deal after all, if that makes sense.

However, I do get caught off-guard when I find myself being attracted to someone who isn't my usual type. It still happens every morning! Sleepy Cors climbs on top of her partner, slobbers all over his face, tells him how pretty he is, starts fumbling and then inevitably start sulking when she realises for the 2029384023094804th time that he doesn't actually have female parts. I am not in denial, but I suppose it is because I don't see him as male at all and tend to forget that he is in fact biologically male. I felt the same way with my ultra-feminine MtF ex.
(Grrr so much penis, I almost feel cursed.)

And well, genderqueer people also tend to catch me off-guard when they show an unexpected side of themselves (eg. someone who looks all butch and tough acting all femme, submissive and vulnerable). Even if I have known the person for a while and am well aware of that side, it still makes me marvel at how complex she is.

[Celestial Ceece]

Being (looking) the way I do, I think I pass - most often people have no idea that I'm queer but then again, some people do get a sense that I'm queer. My nephew thinks I'm his "bro" for instance. So I think I'm in tune with both my masculine and feminine sides, though my clothing and style of dress might say "femme" I actually identify as stone femme or something like that.

But yeah, I get what you are saying. Sometimes, if I'm in a place where say, it might be considered socially unacceptable to be openly queer, I definitely have to stop and think "people might not be comfortable with my queerness - with me checking them out". I guess that is really the only time where I am conscious or aware of the fact that I'm queer. But then other times, I'll be checking somebody out, or thinking something, and I'll just blurt out, "wow I'm totally queer" or will at least think it. The older I get, the more comfortable I am being me - fat, queer, disabled, etc. That's just how I am, and who I am!

Thanks for this thread, and to everyone for sharing their experiences.

[Tracii]

I think being drawn to both sexes is a wonderful thing.JMO.

[mergirl]

I know what you mean ..and i used to get feelings like that. I think because i have been dating women for half my life now i must have got used to it or something. I never now look over at GD and think "oh i'm going out with a WOMAN".. i do think "wow i'm going out with a TOTALLY hot woman".. but its more just a fact of something i feel and not sexuality based if you know what i mean.. i TOTALLY remember that feeling though.. Especially when i was sitting on a monday morning in math class having been out all night at a gay club and then going straight to school and thinking about the fact that i was gay, had kissed women and all that stuff. It made me sort of leave my body or something. Yup krissymissy.. totally know the feeling your talking about. I havnt had it for a wee while though.

[Weeze]

Wow.
I'm, uh, pretty happy that y'all "got it"....

thanks :)

[mergirl]

Actually though.. i just realised. I did get that feeling the last time i was with a guy! lmao.

[LillyBBBW]

Just about my entire sexuality manifests itself like that. Most of the things I'm into I didn't even realize was a "thing" till coming here. I even thought, "No I don't have that," because the descriptions of it seemed way more intense than I understood it to be in my life. I never felt any urge to affirm anything or look for others with the same thought patterns.

[Tracii]

I dicussed my Bi feelings with my current and he is Ok with it.
When I asked him if he had ever been with a man he totally freaked "hell no" was his answer.I said I'm sorry honey you just look a "little gay"just thought I'd ask.
He didn't speak to me for several hours which was fine I like my quiet time.LOL:D

[Geektastic1]

What I mean, I guess, is that the fact that I am queer still catches me off-guard sometimes. I find myself staring at a woman, and think Wow, this is how I am. I'm not denying myself anything... I just still get suprised, I guess?

This has happened to me quite a few times. It still happens to me occasionally.

[Ample Pie]

In a way it's like I realize I'm not just paying lip service to an idea or ideal. I don't just say I like women or think I like women---I actually like women. I am attracted to them. Sometimes, yes, it still makes me go "whoa!"

[Rowan]

I definitely know what you mean. I went and saw a play not too long ago and the lead actress was stunning and I found myself lusting after her only to be caught aback for a moment. I think part of why I do this is not only because I was raised being told it was wrong for people of the same sex to like one another but also because it seems that women are even less attracted to me than men are, and so I tend to not even try even if i do find someone attractive.

[Weeze]

In a way it's like I realize I'm not just paying lip service to an idea or ideal. I don't just say I like women or think I like women---I actually like women. I am attracted to them. Sometimes, yes, it still makes me go "whoa!"

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT!!!!

[Ample Pie]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT!!!!

Then I totally get what you're saying. I guess it's just that reality suddenly seems so....real. And it isn't like there was ever a doubt, but sometimes it just isn't as ...well there is no other word for it...real.

[mergirl]

I definitely know what you mean. I went and saw a play not too long ago and the lead actress was stunning and I found myself lusting after her only to be caught aback for a moment. I think part of why I do this is not only because I was raised being told it was wrong for people of the same sex to like one another but also because it seems that women are even less attracted to me than men are, and so I tend to not even try even if i do find someone attractive.
Maby because you have felt women havn't been interested in the past, its stopped you from trying. That coupled with being told same sex relationships are wrong. If you like a woman, go for it, same as you would with a guy, unless you wait for them to chat you up.. in which case flutter your lashes in their direction! lol. I must admit though, guys do seem to be less complicated when it comes to what they want.

[Tracii]

I think women are more open to the idea of same sex relationships than men.
Yes women are more complex than men usualy.
A GF of mine put it this way "a woman knows what a woman wants".

[LillyBBBW]

Then I totally get what you're saying. I guess it's just that reality suddenly seems so....real. And it isn't like there was ever a doubt, but sometimes it just isn't as ...well there is no other word for it...real.

Ok, this is totally off topic but Rebecca you have to start selling those buttons you have in your signature. I love them!

[Ample Pie]

I just make them as a part of my facebook flair addiction; sadly they're just virtual.

[girl_in_the_attic]

Do you ever think about your preferences? Or do you just live how you want? I was talking with a friend a little while ago about how sometimes, I actually freak myself out, we were talking about something completley different, but I think it applies to my being sexually attracted to women as well.
do you ever look at someone, find yourself attracted to them, and then stop yourself, and realize, Hey, I actually AM attracted to that person.

I'm probably not making any sense at all....

What I mean, I guess, is that the fact that I am queer still catches me off-guard sometimes. I find myself staring at a woman, and think Wow, this is how I am. I'm not denying myself anything... I just still get suprised, I guess?

Does anyone know what I mean, or am I just talking out of my ass?

Dude, i SO get that. When I look at a girl, I still cant believe i actually think that they are so hot. When i found out that i liked girls [im bi], i tried sayin that i was straight, but it didnt feel right until i said the word "bisexual".
Anyways. So i totally dig it and i so understand what you mean

[mergirl]

See..i was wondering why this feeling that we have felt happens. You dont normally hear of hetrosexual women having a weird feeling 'oh.. i just fancied a guy'. I think because in some ways the 'gay' side seems more forbidden somehow. I know its getting better..ie there are shows on tv that actually let people see gay people! lol. Seriously though, i remember when i was comming out and there was a lesbian kiss on a soap and people were going crazy about it. Proportionally, i dont think gay people are represented in the media but is suspect the same could be said for black people. If it is estimated that One in ten people are gay then we are Waaaaaaaay under represented. I dont get that..though if gay people are under represented i think Black people must be Soooooo under represented! I have a big waffle about this but i'm sure it must have been brought up and is a topic for another thred. Though i watched a film recently about a barbershop (cliched i know) and something about two people trying to steal a safe.. anyway..half way through it i suddenly realised that the whole cast were black and then i though...hmm maby this is how black people feel ALL the time when watching films..
Anyway, i think the same can be said for gay people..with the media being all hetrocentric..it kind of makes you feel strange/isolated/maby like you dont belong somehow...and i think perhaps this is why we get that 'oh..i am like this' feeling.. cause we have no point of reference. Generally, our parents/families/communities arn't gay.. Its only later we can seek out new communities to fit into.. After a while..i think thats when the 'oh..i'm this way or that' feeling subsides.. cause you get to know more people who are 'this way and that'
Sorry that was a ramble...i'm in a rambling kind of a mood today..:)