Would you take a pill? (revisited)

[Mr. Brian]

At the risk of being drummed out of the community, I am going to express some feelings and pose a question to others that may feel the same way from time to time. I recall reading threads in the past posted in the form of a question, "If you could take a pill and be slender, would you take it?". This was posed more than once I believe in one form or another. I recall the responses from some of the women being surprising given that there is a known appreciative group. There were some that stated that given everything they now know, they would take such a pill in a minute. Physical limitations, societal pressures, and health issues were given as the reasons. All real and valid concerns. Some were in committed relationships, others were not and looking, some were not looking. Of course there were those that were perfectly fine and happy right where they were and wouldn't have it any other way.

I will present the same question again but with a twist.

If a pill were available that would strip out one's FA'ness, would you take it?

Please bear in mind that I'm not talking about becoming anti-fat or bigoted in some way. I am talking about being completely neutral on the preference. It simply wouldn't matter to you that fat, thin, athletic, etc there would be no pre-disposition to where your attentions would lie or wander to. All appreciating. I know that there are those out there that are this way already and appreciate all types. Naturally I am also assuming that when it comes to relationships, that it is the whole person we take into account and not just their physical appearance to us.

The question I suppose is more directed at those who find themselves more distracted by the exclusiveness of their pre-programming or wiring. We may not be able to find a suitable partner to our liking because we limit our focus and view to what is immediately "attractive" to us. Anyone who doesn't fit the physical pre-sort fades into the background and isn't considered or even seen.

Others may find themselves in a committed relationship with someone who wasn't their physical ideal, but shared other qualities that they thought would make up the difference.

Or possibly were in an ideal situation but circumstances led to physical change (dramatic weight-loss) that might bring into question the strength of that union that held just one aspect in a place of inflated importance.

Sometimes I feel that life was simpler before I knew that such a thing as FA's existed. I had some feelings that were strange and inconsistent with anyone else I knew. I thought I was probably alone with this fascination for fat and told no one. The few times I did share it in confidence it was not met in a positive way. There were no magazines, Internet or anything else around that might suggest I was not alone. So I tried to ignore it and mostly succeeded. It wasn't until way after marriage that I realized that what I had felt from the age of 4 was not only more common than I thought, but also someone even found a name to give it to identify the type.

Then came the Internet. The community was easily found with simple searches. There were not only discussions, but also eventually pictures to remind us of what we were missing. There was some easily attained validation and satisfaction. But it did not represent my reality. It is readily available yet mockingly distant. Reading that others are happily engaged in open FA/BBW/BHM relationships makes me happy for them but leaves me more than a little jealous. I feel considerable guilt about it. It just shouldn't be. I SHOULD be thanking God everyday for what I have and the woman who puts up with me. We are soul mates in so many ways but I still find myself venturing almost daily to the web, this forum, or other visual distractions in real life (the pretty young fat woman in the office who has grown so rotund over the years she looks as though she may POP any day). My wife knows about and accepts my webbing. She has tried, to her credit, to entertain some of my fascinations once in a while but it really isn’t her thing and I feel bad that she has gained a few pounds over the years because she really is unhappy with it and she does have some health concerns. This has happened inexplicably in spite of her former exercise regimen and has taken an emotional toll on her too. I worry about her and am commited to staying together with her.

I am drawn to the web simply to inject a little bit of 'Oz into my Kansas' but feel considerable guilt for doing so at times. I really wish I could put it all out of my mind but there is always a nagging need that it is nearly impossible for me to ignore. It seems harder and harder as I get older. I have tried unsuccessfully to stay off the web but have failed time and time again. It fills a void but I feel that I could be so much more productive without it. At home and on the job. At times I feel this "distraction" that keeps me going also seems to be the very thing that keeps me from moving on.

I would take such a pill. In a heartbeat.

Brian

[Jack Skellington]

Types of physical preferences are part of human nature. It also makes up part of who we are as a person. To try and remove that aspect would radically change our personalities and outlooks on life.

My personal feeling is, my attraction to extra curvaceous and feminine women is blessing. Not a curse.

[missaf]

I'd prolly try it just to see what "skinny" was like, but stop takin' it and get back to where I'm comfortable with my curves :)

[saucywench]

Wow. What a profound and well-articulated admission. Thank you for sharing that, Brian.

I know that I am not part of your target audience in asking the question--and I am confident that in time your post will be met with more responses that may be of help to you--but I wanted to respond to something you said, and I hope it doesn't detract from your issue.

...The question I suppose is more directed at those who find themselves more distracted by the exclusiveness of their pre-programming or wiring. We may not be able to find a suitable partner to our liking because we limit our focus and view to what is immediately "attractive" to us. Anyone who doesn't fit the physical pre-sort fades into the background and isn't considered or even seen.

My problem is similar except that it is not so much the physical to which I am attracted--it's the intellectual. I don't even entertain the possibility that I might be drawn to another that doesn't fit my pre-conceived notions of who would make a good partner for me. I have twice been presented with the opportunity to marry, but I knew deep in my heart and soul that, for the long haul, I would not find the contentment (in either of them) that I so desperately seek. Yes, I imagine to some extent that I would have been relatively happy in some sense, but I feel that, much like you, I would always feel "cheated" in a sense. And so I remain, at 48, unmarried, and try to enjoy the benefits that being single allows me.

... I really wish I could put it all out of my mind but there is always a nagging need that it is nearly impossible for me to ignore. It seems harder and harder as I get older.... At times I feel this "distraction" that keeps me going also seems to be the very thing that keeps me from moving on.Brian

I, too, feel distracted by what seems an unquenchable need and desire. I know with every fiber of my being what type of relationship would fulfill that need, but I am also realistic enough to know that I will quite likely never find it. I don't know what the solution is for either of us. I suppose that we all make compromises of some sort in our lives. I truly don't know of anyone personally who is completely happy with the cards they have been dealt (or, rather, dealt themselves)--life often seems to be just a series of choices one must make.

I just wanted to let you know that, although we don't share the same problem exactly, I empathize completely. I wish you the best in your struggle.

Cindy

[Egbert Souse]

I don't want to encourage behavior that you'd just as soon be rid of but i consider you one of the bright lights of "the community".
Wish i had some feelgood words for the conflict you're feeling but i don't.
I've never experienced conflict about FAness but i do have a tendancy toward some obsessive behaviors which i try to keep an objective eye on.

I think i've told this story on the board before but, hopefully, i'm on most people's ignore list so i'll forge ahead with it.....

When i was getting counseling after the implosion of my first marriage i remember one session where i was just tired of talking about all the trauma.
I ran the FA thing by him just 'cause i couldn't think of anything else i was curious about in my psyche at the time.
I asked if he thought that the attraction "normal".

He said very seriously that of course it was normal as long as my ideal didn't become larger and larger, as that would indicate some kinda.....well, something that might not be cool.
Some time later, he quit working for the clinic he was working for and started taking "clients" in his home and i then met his wife, who was about 5'6, in the high two hundreds and a knockout.

I've read things on the boards that made me wonder if the writers haven't crossed that line. But whatdo i know?

Well, i know that's no help for what you're feeling now. Wish i knew something better to say because i hate to see this be such a painful thing for you.
I kinda wonder if it's not the attraction, specifically, that's causing your problems but if the FA thing is only a symptom of something else.

I'm the last person on earth who should play psychiatrist...
so i'll just say that you're clearly a very intelligent person and you sure ain't practicing any denial about the fact that something's bugging you. Given those two factors, you can surely work through this.

Thanks for a meaningful post that obviously took a lotta balls to write.
Good luck.

[AnnMarie]

I completely admire your ability to write this, and share these feelings. I think it's important to do so, because I'm sure there are members who have felt, or will feel, similarly.

But I have to be honest, my first reaction, as a happy fat woman (who worked very hard to get there) it makes me sad, and a even a smidge angry. That it would occur to a man who is attracted to me (meaning me in general, of course) that it is so disruptive, or distracting, or just plain wrong, that if there were a pill to "cure" what ails him, he'd take it.

While I understand the difficulty and somewhat taunting nature online life can have, the way it has of dangling a life in our face that we may never have, I still feel as though the ability to admire and share in what our innerself desires is a very interesting gift. Maybe it's all in how you look at it? I see people being coupled as reinforcement that good things happen, maybe you only see it as that which will never be.

I am not condemning or judging your desire or choice to take this magic pill, I just find it sends me to a bad place mentally, to be "something" that is so difficult to deal with that I'd be best gone completely.

And as a single girl who hopes to find another wonderful FA to share life experiences, I sincerely hope your wish isn't the norm.

[Jon Blaze]

Well... As a male that partcipates in this community, most would assume I'm an FA. But that is not so..... FAs have a strict preference for large women. I do agree that a large women can be very intelligent, confident, sexy, and make ideal partners, but I truly don't have a preference. Society normally tells us that thin is in, and it is the only thing that is beautiful.

I started my life admiring thin women, and through a bad experience, I became attracted to large women. MY ATTRACTION WAS NOT A CURSE!!! My confidence probably would of never reached its level today, had I not become an FA at one part of my life. It didn't last long though..... I ended up becoming attracted to thin women again, with a lean toward large women, but that lean has since gone away.

Now I admire both types of women, but I still don't have a preference. I will interact with people of all shapes, sizes, and forms that want to interact with me.

Now when it comes strictly to attraction, I still don't have a true preference, but there are some things that i'm attracted to with certain type of female builds. But they aren't preferences, because I look at a woman, and if I'm attracted, I usually don't find something I could call a flaw, and I look at their outer beauty holistically. So I LOVE EVERY INCH .... :D, I either like a part, or I love it!!!!

Now on another note, What I said before applies somewhat with a person's personality too. I can get along with just about anybody. I've met a few people that I don't like, but that number is small, and that is because I know in my heart they don't approve of me and they have made part of my life annoying. THUS, I don't approve of them :D .

So in response to your post: I took the pill:D

I posted something like this awhile back :)

Thanks for the post. I've finally said something of remote intelligence.
You put the post in very eloquent terms too. You know how to articulate yourself.

Jon

[Zoom]

Let me get one thing straight. I am not ashamed one bit about my FAness, as it would be very difficult to show exactly how it would be immoral (only God could probably do it).

But, I am a very lonely man with nobody to call girlfriend, so if I could take a pill, it would be to turn off my raging hormones. And even then I'd probably still be lonely.

Forget about pills.

[flyinover]

In a second. I'd take that pill in a second.

Not because I think that my attraction is "wrong"--which, on many levels, I actually do (shame--reason for therapy?). Not because it's socially awkward to pursue. But mostly because, in past relationships, it dominated my thoughts. Beautiful girls with trim, beautiful bodies--I was with a ballerina for seven months--who loved me for who I was, and sexually I had trouble without imagining them larger. I dated a girl who's now in very trim shape, but who has lingering emotional issues because she grew up obese. I felt dirty just thinking these things because of the pain that she felt remembering what it was like to grow up "fat." I felt like a bad person for being curious what she would look like if she still were fat.

And even if I'm with a skinny girl (because, honestly, I don't find myself attracted to bigger girls...only bigness, if that makes any sense) who's completely okay with my preference and doesn't see the harm in talking out a few fantasies, I still feel wrong. I still feel like by not finding their bodies enough, that somehow I'm disconnecting myself from the experience. That perhaps it's less a preference and more a habit. That by not letting go of that in a woman's company, I'm holding a part of myself back.

Sometimes I ask why I find the objectification of fat sexy. When I see fat...I see body parts, I see experiences, I see...disjointed, sexualized vignettes and photographs and textures. When I see a girl who's mostly skinny--I see a girl. But my eye is always on the belly if she's sitting down, and...it makes me feel like one of those disconnected, objectifying, lecherous men. It doesn't make me feel good.

[EtobicokeFA]

I think that what we need to look at is the fact that attraction occurs on two levels, the physical (which FAism falls under) and the mental or soul, where you are attracted to the person's soul.

Yes, I am proud to be a FA, and am attracted to women in the sexual sense.

On the overhand, without the soul, they are just body parts with no real meaning or real power to hold me sexually.

To me, in the long run, it is the soul that turns these various body parts into something beautiful.

[Boteroesque Babe]

One man finds joy and pleasure in his preference, another finds pain and shame. I believe it has more to do with the man than the preference.

AnnMarie, I think the difference between Mr. Brian and the FAs to whom you may be referring is that love and commitment prevents Mr. Brian from pursuing satisfaction, therefore complete fulfillment eludes him.

Mr. Brian, I am offended neither by your post nor your quandary. I am saddened, however, that you're in so much pain. I don't have the answers you seek, but I hope to offer comfort. True, you are forced to reconcile powerfully opposing things I have no personal experience with. But you have love, health, home, intellect, talent, and things which make you laugh and bring you joy. Many people have none of those things. I like to believe there exists a way to asimilate all your "features" into a happy life.

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." The first time I heard someone say that, I wanted to kick their touchy-feely ass. But on further reflection, I think it might be true. It ain't about the external forces, but what we do with them.

Keep talking it out, Mr. Brian. I believe with self-acceptance, you'll find a way to make it all fit without the pain. Or the pill.

[Tad]

In long.....

More than once I’ve wondered similar thoughts, for similar reasons. In my case my wife is a BBW, albeit at the small end of that classification. However, beyond being an FA I am also some flavor of feeder/feedee/encourager/gainer. Basically weight gain, and to a lesser extent behavior conducive to weight gain, fascinate me and turn me on at the mental level like nothing else does. Now, when you get involved in things, the mental level tends to not matter as much as the physical, but getting to the “involved” point is far more likely when you are mentally aroused.

It happens that my wife has lost some weight in recent years, and would like to lose more. Esthetically I think she looks as good, or better, than ever. As an FA, I still adore the chubbiness that she has, miss what is no longer there, and wish that she liked her fat bits half as much as I do. As the guy who is turned on by weight gain, knowing that she is probably going to keep losing functions a bit like a bucket of cold water in the, uh, face let’s say. Yes, I can put that thought out of my mind when I try, but this tends to mean dreaming about weight gain in some theoretical context. Or else thinking about gaining myself, and as she loses I seem to more and more strongly feel a desire to gain, which I try to resist, but since that slice of cheesecake is not just very yummy, it is also slice of weight gain fantasy directly targeting my sexual desires, that is not so easy.

This of course is all totally unfair to my wife. She is a wonderful woman who should have her body worshipped whole-heartedly, at whatever size. My increasing girth is also a selfish thing, me giving into personal desires that have no benefit to her or to our relationship—or for that matter to me other than relaxing some of my fat desires. I try not to let all of ‘this stuff’ affect my behavior towards my wife, but of course I can’t perfectly hide it.

I think it is cool to be an FA, to prefer something that is not so common. BUT, this linkage between sexual desire and fatness, and especially between desire and increasing fatness, that part I wish I could dampen or eliminate. Yes, it would mean not being quite myself anymore, and for the most part I don’t want to mess with ‘me.’ This part of being me, however, is a part that keeps me from being as good a husband as I could possibly be, so is clearly detrimental to people close to me. For that reason, I’d take a pill that could control this aspect of myself, although I’d swallow it with no small measure of fear and trepidation.

[Tad]

But I have to be honest, my first reaction, as a happy fat woman (who worked very hard to get there) it makes me sad, and a even a smidge angry. That it would occur to a man who is attracted to me (meaning me in general, of course) that it is so disruptive, or distracting, or just plain wrong, that if there were a pill to "cure" what ails him, he'd take it.
<snip>
And as a single girl who hopes to find another wonderful FA to share life experiences, I sincerely hope your wish isn't the norm.

AnnMarie, I think your last sentence is really important to think about in this context. Would you rather share your life with a guy who loved you deeply, but was not especially attracted to you, and could not resist checking out thin women on the internet most days, or a guy who loved you deeply, and was totally attracted to you just the way you are? Now say you met that former guy, and he was wonderful and you fell in love (either not initially realizing or looking past his general preference for thin women), and there was a pill that render him equally attracted to your build as any other. Would you want him to take that pill?

-Ed

[Jes]

One man finds joy and pleasure in his preference, another finds pain and shame. I believe it has more to do with the man than the preference.


Keep talking it out, Mr. Brian. I believe with self-acceptance, you'll find a way to make it all fit without the pain. Or the pill.

you have the nicest nose a lot of the time, BB. :)

[Tad]

One man finds joy and pleasure in his preference, another finds pain and shame. I believe it has more to do with the man than the preference.

<snip> True, you are forced to reconcile powerfully opposing things I have no personal experience with. But you have love, health, home, intellect, talent, and things which make you laugh and bring you joy. Many people have none of those things. I like to believe there exists a way to asimilate all your "features" into a happy life.

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." <snip>

Keep talking it out, Mr. Brian. I believe with self-acceptance, you'll find a way to make it all fit without the pain. Or the pill.

BB;

Eloquent and insightful as always. It is just, in no place did I see Brian say that his life was awful or that he had it worse than anyone else. Rather, to me it seemed that he was talking about one issue, and would he rather lose part of himself to no longer have to deal with that issue. Further, he was raising it as a general discussion topic, but being very brave by being open about his personal situation.

To come at things from a different angle....oddly one of my more interesting courses in University was on Organizational Behavior. They did a wonderful run through of popular psychological and motivational theories, and some of the noted strengths, limitations, and debunking of them. One that was mentioned was "cognitive dissonance." Basically the idea that it is uncomfortable to hold opposing ideas in our head at the same time, and that people will generally act to eliminate this state by getting rid of one of the ideas, if possible. If not possible, they will continue to be stressed by being in this state. This was pretty much the only theory that they didn't point out limitations to--almost everyone can recognize that it is true, as far as it goes. Take the 'mixed messages from parents' threads that have been on this board recently, in many ways they are talking about a cognitive dissonance.

Anyway, to me this is a classic case of cognitive dissonance. You want to be one way towards your spouse, you think that is the right way to be, and the way that would make them happier. But at the same time you want something else. You can't make that something else go away. Should you change your standards of behavior towards your spouse? If not, the congnitive dissonance remains, and it remains uncomfortable.

It is not to say that being an FA is a bad thing, just that when following your FA desires conflicts with how you wish to treat others....well, it would be nice to have mental peace sometimes.

-Ed

[Boteroesque Babe]

Would you rather share your life with a guy who loved you deeply, but was not especially attracted to you, and could not resist checking out thin women on the internet most days, or a guy who loved you deeply, and was totally attracted to you just the way you are? Now say you met that former guy, and he was wonderful and you fell in love (either not initially realizing or looking past his general preference for thin women), and there was a pill that render him equally attracted to your build as any other. Would you want him to take that pill?

Woah. You just made my head explode.

Much to ponder here. Very insightful posts, Ed. I think the gaining-as-your-wife-loses thing is not uncommon. I've heard from other FAs that, by hook or by crook, fat must be involved somewhere, whether it be theirs or their partners.

Much to ponder, indeed.

[eljay]

wow...what a thread!

Just my rambling thoughts...

Would i take the pill? I might take one which would remove the feeder/encourager aspects of what being an FA is for me... because this is something which can end up making someone unhappy. I don't think i'd want to give up being an FA as it seems quite natural and fine to me. I might have brianwashed myself a little, but i do sometimes think that the *NON FAs* have it wrong :P

This thread has made me wonder just how many FA's have weight gain fantasies etc - since if you like a fat girl it's not too had to figure out that it is (in theory!) possible to *create* one... Does it go hand in hand with being an FA?

And for that matter.... is an FA someone who has a "curvy women (/men!)", or are the two distinctly different?

[Boteroesque Babe]

One that was mentioned was "cognitive dissonance." Basically the idea that it is uncomfortable to hold opposing ideas in our head at the same time, and that people will generally act to eliminate this state by getting rid of one of the ideas, if possible.

I'm pretty much always gonna vote for keeping the one that's giving me orgasms. So I'm perhaps not the best one to opine here.

[Boteroesque Babe]

you have the nicest nose a lot of the time, BB. :)

...and so often where it doesn't belong, eh?

[Boteroesque Babe]

wow...what a thread!

I SO agree.

[Jes]

...and so often where it doesn't belong, eh?

nah, not really! and BB, i say this w/o a gay bone in my body, but i swear, i wanna go lesbo for you. I do. i hope you take that as a compliment. i think you're the woman i always wanted to be.

[Tad]

I think the gaining-as-your-wife-loses thing is not uncommon. I've heard from other FAs that, by hook or by crook, fat must be involved somewhere, whether it be theirs or their partners.

Just for the record--I hate this part of the whole thing. Not that I think that it is wrong to gain weight or anything, but rather that it is such a deep-seated thing that no matter what rational, well thought out, plans I make, this overwhelms them. It is a sort of hunger, I guess. So like a dietter with even the best intentions cannot stay on a 1000 calorie a day low fat diet for too long before hunger will force them off of it, it seems that given any option I will have some amount of fat and maybe some amount of gaining in my life. Of couse I want it! But I don't want to want it.

It could be much worse of course. I'm not desiring to hurt others, or even more horrific to contemplate, I'm not attracted to children, or any other such thing where the only acceptable standard would be to never give in, ever, and failure to control those desires would be deeply immoral as well as criminal.

But I hate that, at least so far, I've not been able to subordinate these desires to my rational control.

-Ed

[JMNYC]

Funny, this has been on my mind recently---my inability in my life to be aroused by thin women, and what if something happened where that changed.

I would certainly NOT take a pill that would take away my FA-ness. Fat women---both the one I am married to (4 years tomorrow), the ones around here and the out-and-proud ones I know in my life---give me such pleasure on so many levels that I consider it a gift to be attracted to same.

What I would (have) consider(ed) when I was single would be a pill that allowed me to be animally-attracted to the thin women I have known in my life with whom I got along with in so many ways, but whom I was not able to feel that all-encompassing lust for. At least two I knew were great people, and I was even engaged to one. They were pretty, sweet, intelligent, funny, and wonderful, but as time went on, it was apparent the animal attraction wasn't mutual. It wasn't until I tossed in and specifically went after women with many extra pounds that I discovered world-shattering sex. And love, respect, mutual admiration, considering her my family, being proud of her...and all those great things that can happen when sharing life with another person.

http://themaxes.blogspot.com/

[Tad]

I'm pretty much always gonna vote for keeping the one that's giving me orgasms. So I'm perhaps not the best one to opine here.

I almost choked in my effort not to laugh when I read this one!

It is a really good point....sometimes I can get a little obsessed with duty, but if you ignore pleasure, you undermine yourself in the end.

-Ed

[Jes]

http://themaxes.blogspot.com/


whoa. you met mr. apology??!

[waitingforsuperman]

jmnyc: happy anniversary.

i don't have an inability to be attracted to or aroused by a thinner girl. it just takes more hottness. of course, i'm never attracted to a girl who has no breasts in an effort to be skinny enough, but i prefer it that way.

i think that, as mr. jack skelly said, my attraction to fat girls is a blessing, not a curse. i couldn't imagine not enjoying my girlfriend's body.

diff'rent strokes.

[Boteroesque Babe]

nah, not really! and BB, i say this w/o a gay bone in my body, but i swear, i wanna go lesbo for you. I do. i hope you take that as a compliment. i think you're the woman i always wanted to be.

Dimensions boardees have too often been subjected to the lengthy list of my faults, so I'll just send it to ya privately.

How sizable a transmission can your e-mail program take?

[Mr. Brian]

BB;

"Eloquent and insightful as always. It is just, in no place did I see Brian say that his life was awful or that he had it worse than anyone else. Rather, to me it seemed that he was talking about one issue, and would he rather lose part of himself to no longer have to deal with that issue. Further, he was raising it as a general discussion topic, ..."

"...Basically the idea that it is uncomfortable to hold opposing ideas in our head at the same time, and that people will generally act to eliminate this state by getting rid of one of the ideas, if possible. If not possible, they will continue to be stressed by being in this state. "

"Anyway, to me this is a classic case of cognitive dissonance. You want to be one way towards your spouse, you think that is the right way to be, and the way that would make them happier. But at the same time you want something else. You can't make that something else go away. Should you change your standards of behavior towards your spouse? If not, the congnitive dissonance remains, and it remains uncomfortable."


-Ed

Somehow I knew it would take a college man to sort this out.

Things are not awful. But they are certainly conflicting. As a couple we do the best we can with this but has always been my way to try and make things easiest for her. It's just me. Lift the heavy box, clean the snow off, make the uncomfortable phone calls, clean up after the cat pitches a hairball (something that started after I taught him all the words to 'The Girl From Ipanema') whatever.

The point I was trying to make was that I feel that she deserves my undivided attentions. If she has any self esteem issues, maybe a few, me ogling elsewhere somehow doesn't seem to be the right approach to help. She lets me do it and bless her for that. It just doesn't make me feel better afterwards.

I do believe that AnnMarie misunderstood my message for I certainly didn't recognize my intentions or thoughts in her response. My bad for not making it plain enough and I hope she accepts my apology for framing the issue badly.

In no way did I mean that there is shame in being an FA. I don't feel shame for it at all and wear it on my sleeve more than I used to. Those in what seem to be perfect relationships should be congratulated and celebrated. I know many married couples of all types and while almost all seem to be good relationships, there are a few standouts that look to be perfect. Not everyone gets that. Mine is not perfect but it is certainly a lot better than many.


Mr. Brian

[Jes]

Dimensions boardees have too often been subjected to the lengthy list of my faults, so I'll just send it to ya privately.

How sizable a transmission can your e-mail program take?


perfection=boring

[Tad]

I think you're the woman i always wanted to be.

Which is really strange, given that I'm usually pretty content with the whole boy thing......but you are just one of those especially awesome people who break the normal rules.

Just saying.

-Ed

[Jay West Coast]

Yeah, there was once a time growing up that I would have taken a un-FA pill. I would of simply because it was annoying and even disillusioning not to fit in. At that age, it seems like that's what matters most.

But, I'm glad I didn't have a pill to take. I love being an FA. I love the looks of skinny women when I tell them. I love the looks of bigger women when I tell them. I love the way a fat woman feels against my skin, and I looove the curvy way they look. At the end of the day, I'm more confused why all guys don't think like me!


Jay West Coast

[AnnMarie]

AnnMarie, I think the difference between Mr. Brian and the FAs to whom you may be referring is that love and commitment prevents Mr. Brian from pursuing satisfaction, therefore complete fulfillment eludes him.

I completely understand this, and I've spent time talking to Brian on many past occasions. I know the deal.

As I stated in my post, it saddened me (not offended), and made me a little angry. I completely get what he was saying, and appreciate him expressing himself about it.

I understand the conflict the internet, and the distraction it provides, introduces. My just wish there was a way he could embrace and sort of enjoy the outlet, rather than view it (or the cause of his FA-ness-the girls, as a byproduct) as a nonproductive distraction.

Anyway, I've emailed with Brian off-board, and all is fine. It always was, I was not slighting him or his post, just conveying my feeling when reading it. Like it or not, that's what I was thinking, and if I didn't know Brian the little bit I do, I probably wouldn't have bothered to say a thing.

[NFA]

No, I wouldn't take a pill to make me unattracted to fat women. Nor, frankly, can I even imagine ever wanting to for even a moment. I've lived all of my life as an out and proud FA and I can tell you for a fact that its easy to be an FA. Its the most wonderful thing in the world. Self-pitying is an indulgence that has no place. You made your decision to be with who you are. If its causing you this much angst, that's something you need to work on. But your issues are far from universal. To be perfectly honest, what I've seen from you (assuming you are the same Brian who has regularly posted your anguish over being an FA) is a considerable effort to universalize your issues. Well, I'm not going to tell you that everyone feels the way you do or that its okay to be so negative towards yourself. If you don't want to act on your desires, that's your business, but I don't see how it does anyone any good to constantly wish for them to go away. They won't. It was your choice to get into the situation you are in and I'm hard pressed to feel sympathy for you because it. Whats more, what exactly does it say about your feelings towards your wife if you feel such a need to be pitied for your situation. Thats not going to resolve your situation or make you feel better. I can only hope it at least serves as a cautionary tale to other so-called FA's who are so quick to deny that they are FA's for some silly reason. Its important to know yourself and accept yourself, because living a life in denial or in opposition to oneself isn't psychologically healthy.

Do I feel envious towards the FA/BBW couples I see online? Sure. Everytime I meet a really cool girl who's married or involved, I always wonder why I couldn't be the one. Why sometimes its so hard to find the right person. But I never respond by wishing I wasn't who I was. I just wish I can find the right person. And I recognize that if these 2 people can find love, that means its out there and I can too. I get that this isn't an option for you, but that doesn't mean wishing yourself away should be an option instead. Its just as fruitless a concern.

[Santaclear]

If a pill were available that would strip out one's FA'ness, would you take it?

No WAY would I ever! I LOVE it. *Actually I hadn't looked at this thread before now 'cos I assumed it was the usual "would you take a pill to be thin" question*

I've had the conflict though. I love all kinds of women, all sizes and shapes etc. It's only been the last few years, especially since my last relationship ended that I've decided, "well, BBWs are really what I love BEST so I should only go for that." Reality is sometimes different though.

[jonah-uk]

I love being an FA. I love the looks of skinny women when I tell them. I love the looks of bigger women when I tell them. I love the way a fat woman feels against my skin, and I looove the curvy way they look. At the end of the day, I'm more confused why all guys don't think like me!

well said!

also it feels like a personal choice, something i've decided for myself irrespective of societal pressures or influences from the media (even though i know it could all be pre-programmed really...).

definitely an interesting thread, and a real eye-opener...

[Jay West Coast]

[QUOTE=jonah-uk]well said!QUOTE]


Thanks, man!

[Jay West Coast]

[QUOTE=jonah-uk]well said[!QUOTE]


Thanks, man!

[SocialbFly]

Something i have thought about time and again while reading this post is simple...do you think men who admire and worship and totally only date big breasted women share this same thought....i doubt it...so, why all the angst over liking what we like, i dont get it...if i am attracted to men with huge noses, why would it be a problem if i dated one with a skinny little insignificant nose but longed for the big nose to get in the way when i kissed him...i just dont get it....

please dont take it that i am not feeling or understanding how you feel, i am empathetic to how you phrased your pain...but i wonder how many men that truly love skinny women allow it to keep them up at night pondering the differences and why he loves thin women or his choices....

maybe at the end of the day, we shouldnt take ourselves so seriously and just accept that in life, some things just are...

and for me, thank goodness they are, or i would have no one to date, although, that is a WHOLE other subject fraught with frustration.
Dianna

[LillyBBBW]

Something i have thought about time and again while reading this post is simple...do you think men who admire and worship and totally only date big breasted women share this same thought....i doubt it...so, why all the angst over liking what we like, i dont get it...if i am attracted to men with huge noses, why would it be a problem if i dated one with a skinny little insignificant nose but longed for the big nose to get in the way when i kissed him...i just dont get it....

please dont take it that i am not feeling or understanding how you feel, i am empathetic to how you phrased your pain...but i wonder how many men that truly love skinny women allow it to keep them up at night pondering the differences and why he loves thin women or his choices....

maybe at the end of the day, we shouldnt take ourselves so seriously and just accept that in life, some things just are...

and for me, thank goodness they are, or i would have no one to date, although, that is a WHOLE other subject fraught with frustration.
Dianna

It might be cool for him but probably not so cool for his wife. It would be my own personal nightmare hell if I were married to a guy who loved me to pieces but lusted after skinny women. Knowing that whenever we go out he's admiring the view, he ogles thin women on the internet, chats with them and fantasizes about thin women while he's having sex with me would wear away at my self esteem. It takes it's toll. Maybe there are some women who won't care as long as he's not fooling around, but most people I know would prefer better.

I'm not exactly the brightest bead in the rosary but I gathered from Brian that this is the bulk of his conflict. He deeply loves his wife. He just wants to be able to give her his all but can't. Swallowing that pill leans more toward an act of love for his wife and not some kind of admission of shame or loathing for who he is.

[Tad]

I'm not exactly the brightest bead in the rosary but I gathered from Brian that this is the bulk of his conflict. He deeply loves his wife. He just wants to be able to give her his all but can't. Swallowing that pill leans more toward an act of love for his wife and not some kind of admission of shame or loathing for who he is.

Lilly, let me assure you, after having read your posts for how many years now? That I'm quite confident you could light up the darkest night. There could be brighter beads out there--whatever we are, there is always someone who is more so--but you sure ain't dull!

And yah, I read it the same way you did.

-Ed

[jamie]

I'm not exactly the brightest bead in the rosary but I gathered from Brian that this is the bulk of his conflict. He deeply loves his wife. He just wants to be able to give her his all but can't. Swallowing that pill leans more toward an act of love for his wife and not some kind of admission of shame or loathing for who he is.

Or implication that admiring fat girls is a bad thing. I think you are exactly right, Lilly.

[Tina]

Brian, I know you've had this conflict for a long time, and not knowing how it feels I don't want to minimize your feelings. But I certainly *can* understand how it feels to be deeply in love, and to want the person you love to have the best of you, and the best in life, in general. Beyond that, I can also see how many other emotions might come into play that would be distressing, to say the least.

I don't feel slighted by what you say, because I know it has more to do with the quality of the love you feel for your wife than any criticism of fat women in general, so I take no offense, but wish for you some sort of resolution to this for you.

Lily said:
It would be my own personal nightmare hell if I were married to a guy who loved me to pieces but lusted after skinny women. Knowing that whenever we go out he's admiring the view, he ogles thin women on the internet, chats with them and fantasizes about thin women while he's having sex with me would wear away at my self esteem. It takes it's toll. Maybe there are some women who won't care as long as he's not fooling around, but most people I know would prefer better.

True. Been there, in a way, and it does suck and make you wonder if you're really what he wants. At the same time, if your guy is doing those things but looking at fat women, he may still be looking at something you might not posess -- whether it's breasts that are different from yours, bum that's different, etc. It's great being with someone who you know loves your body, who sings the praises of your curves and softness while also admiring your mind and personality. I have this now in my honey, but I've also had the other and didn't, and wouldn't, stand for it. I won't be anyone's second best. On that count, I can feel for Brian's wife, though I don't know if she is aware of his preferences, and to the degree that he holds them.

Fact is, lots of guys like a lot of different things (I do, too), but the thing is, I would always want my guy to respect me in the way he comports himself, and I would want to do that for him, too, whether the woman he is looking at is fat or thin.

[SocialbFly]

please do not take it that i do not understand what Brian is saying, yes, i feel his pain, i am just asking if you think the majority of society digs at itself to find an answer, when it just is....

He admire fat women, but married his wife, that speaks that he loves her...i never doubted it...i just want to know if you think that society sits there and thinks, "if only i didnt love big breasted women...yada yada yada"

if i came across less than empathetic it was not my wish....

[LillyBBBW]

please do not take it that i do not understand what Brian is saying, yes, i feel his pain, i am just asking if you think the majority of society digs at itself to find an answer, when it just is....

He admire fat women, but married his wife, that speaks that he loves her...i never doubted it...i just want to know if you think that society sits there and thinks, "if only i didnt love big breasted women...yada yada yada"

if i came across less than empathetic it was not my wish....

Hey there. I hope my response didn't come off as being snippy to you. It certainly wasn't meant in that spirit. Yours is a legitimate question.

I suppose it would depend on the degree. If a guy loves your body and is turned on by it but admires big butts or big boobs that you don't really have, that's one thing. I think you're right there. If someone is married to you they will still admire or appreciate the curves or nuances of someone else. But if you as his wife barely register in his turnonometer® that paints things a wholly different color. In the other relationship there will be issues where wifey will get sick and tired of hubby ogling other women, etc. and they have to hammer out that business on their own like everyone else but this situation is a bit more unique.

[MissToodles]

But things like Playboy and other mainstream porn exists. Most women don't look like the ingenues that fill the pages of such rags. Yet many "ordinary" women are married everyday. Is this comprarable? The fantasy upon the screen doesn't fit what one has at home?

[NFA]

Here's the thing, though. If being romantically involved with someone where a physical attraction is shared, either for the FA or the fat woman, that is something you can easily look for in a mate without limiting yourself at all. One of the things that bothers me the most by denial FA's is their mantra that being an FA is limiting. For lack of a more colorful word, that's bogus. Its also NOT something nearly any men who like thin women are tortured with. And for all this talk of a lack single FA's, there are still plenty around because most BBWs won't look for someone who is attracted to them. So if these are things that are important to you, you can find it. And if you choose not to look for it, that's your choice. But wishing it to be different is just not fair to yourself. Especially when you attempt to universalize your plight.

There are a lot of gay man and women in this world who are at odds with their sexuality. They wish they could make it go away and be who they were told they were supposed to be. I understand what motivates such thoughts and I do have a degree of sympathy for them. But that doesn't mean I think its right. I think its sad and horrible that people would think that way and I cannot accept the notion of self-directed hostility like that. All the more so when it is my own sexuality that is being wished away. Its a manner of self-hate which is not productive or constructive no matter what motivates it. That's the bottom line. You want to choose not to be gay? Well, thats your right. But don't cry about how awful it is to still be attracted to men. We all have choices in this life, and complaining about the injustice of a choice YOU made yourself serves no good or useful purpose.

[Wayne_Zitkus]

I will present the same question again but with a twist.

If a pill were available that would strip out one's FA'ness, would you take it?

In a word - no.

My preference for fat women is no different than another man's preference for blondes or women with long legs. And since I've been aware of my preference since 1962 when I was ten years old, I can't fathom life without being an FA.

[Tina]

True, Miss T. It's definitely a larger problem, and one of the problems with mainstream porn is that it normalizes what women's bodies 'should' look like, and models what men 'should' respond to and find sexy. You take a boy who has grown up seeing these mainstream, airbrushed pictures (which, for the longest time was all that was availale) -- pictures that don't even look like the women themselves, and who has been socialized to find this not only attractive, but the only thing he *should* be attracted to, and it's problematic for fat women, for developing FAs and for society as a whole.

Certainly, there are free thinkers who will still be attracted to lots of different body types. Also, there will be boys who will look at those bodies and be unimpressed, yet see larger females and feel that certain something.:p This is why I think that the PaySite board is a little equalizer of sorts -- as are sites like BigCuties.com, and similar. I mention these because they are not hardcore (and are not what I'd consider porn -- porn being something I have problems with ethically, so that's just my take), and show beautiful, sexy fat women in more artful poses. I think sites like that, and magazines geared towards the FA help a boy to identify earlier and maybe come to terms with who he is (apart from who society says he should be), and what he wants, so that in life he's more able to choose a partner that fall in line with those preferences. Just to clarify, this post is not meant to leave out lesbians and FFA, because I think it still applies.

And I do agree with you, Lilly, but thought it bore mentioning, because in a way, it's all of a piece, in my mind.

[Tina]

Here's the thing, though. If being romantically involved with someone where a physical attraction is shared, either for the FA or the fat woman, that is something you can easily look for in a mate without limiting yourself at all. One of the things that bothers me the most by denial FA's is their mantra that being an FA is limiting. For lack of a more colorful word, that's bogus. Its also NOT something nearly any men who like thin women are tortured with. And for all this talk of a lack single FA's, there are still plenty around because most BBWs won't look for someone who is attracted to them. So if these are things that are important to you, you can find it. And if you choose not to look for it, that's your choice. But wishing it to be different is just not fair to yourself. Especially when you attempt to universalize your plight.

There are a lot of gay man and women in this world who are at odds with their sexuality. They wish they could make it go away and be who they were told they were supposed to be. I understand what motivates such thoughts and I do have a degree of sympathy for them. But that doesn't mean I think its right. I think its sad and horrible that people would think that way and I cannot accept the notion of self-directed hostility like that. All the more so when it is my own sexuality that is being wished away. Its a manner of self-hate which is not productive or constructive no matter what motivates it. That's the bottom line. You want to choose not to be gay? Well, thats your right. But don't cry about how awful it is to still be attracted to men. We all have choices in this life, and complaining about the injustice of a choice YOU made yourself serves no good or useful purpose.

Okay, but what about this:

Some preferences are not chosen, but are ingrained. Additionally, when they're not socially acceptable, often they become sublimated, depending upon one's family and social life. So, to continue your analogy between FAs and homosexuals, if one has sublimated their orientation and is in denial, and has chosen someone that society would deem more acceptable and falls in love with them, but notices that their desire for the same sex, or for fat women, has only increased, then what? Divorce? It's angst any way you look at it.

So yeah, it's a choice, but sometimes not really a choice one is able to live with, or even recognize as available to them in a real way. I think things are better these days, because fatness is everywhere, whether it's deemed 'accepable' or not. And because of the aforementioned websites and magazines, FAs can identify earlier, therefore understanding themselves at a younger age, which will help them to make choices about their lives earlier, one would hope.

[Gordo Mejor]

Sorry, no pill like that for me.

Though I've always loved BBWs, I've dated women of all sizes. My smallest girlfriend was 110 lbs. It was fun to make love with her wrapping her legs around me and me standing up.

Other than that, I see no advantage. And I really like a fat woman's body better.

Beyond that it becomes a question of who she is. You have to enjoy the person.

I really like the internet because it has made meeting women much easier, so it is practical to have more of a size preference than it used to be.:eat2: The general fattening of the American public is also a delightful change as are women's willingness to flaunt their fat.

[LillyBBBW]

But things like Playboy and other mainstream porn exists. Most women don't look like the ingenues that fill the pages of such rags. Yet many "ordinary" women are married everyday. Is this comprarable? The fantasy upon the screen doesn't fit what one has at home?

I do feel like there's a little difference here. For example a lot of people like to eat out at restaurants but that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't find the food at home satisfying. The garnish and the presentation probably won't be the same but the food at home is still tasty and fulfilling to them.

Where it splits in the road in my opinion is when you have a person who NEEDS to eat out. The food at home just isn't filling and doesn't get them licking their chops. All the time that they are eating there they are dreaming of the meatloaf at "Porkies Prime Rib." After a while it gets harder and harder at home each time to fake satisfaction with the usual albacore tuna salad with sesame and dressing on the side.

I'm not qualified to analyze Brian's life and am not claiming any expertise. I guess I'm just trying to explain myself a little better.

[Tina]

I think you make a good point, Lilly. I was thinking, but didn't say, that intent really has a lot to do with the situation.

I'm not qualified to analyze Brian's life and am not claiming any expertise.

Again, I agree. Though I do have a bit of experience to draw upon, both my own, and also my sister's -- which is what I was drawing upon for my last post. Her ex husband left her and their children to live life as a gay man. He'd been in denial all those years, and with a family who wouldn't have ever approved of it in the 70's (when they got together), and who wouldn't speak to him for at least several years after. So my words reflected that situation and not Brian's (not knowing anything about his, other than what he's written on these boards). Just wanted to clarify that.

[MissToodles]

I'm not an expert either but I remember in the past men were assailed for the same lament: I married someone thin. I do understand that love is involved but complaining doesn't help the siutation. I also don't feel it's fair to do on a public forum but she probably does not mind. I don't want this posting to come off as an ad hominen attack either.