Abusive Relationships [Archive]

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Green Eyed Fairy

11-10-2009, 09:27 AM

Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we?

How about those abusive relationships?

I have been in them. Trying hard to not fall back into my usual pattern with any new guy I meet now.

I have posted this on the boards in various threads, more than once, after reading posts by women I thought might be in an abusive relationship. Seems fitting to start off with this list:

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
*Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
*Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
*Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
*Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
*Abuses drugs or alcohol.
*Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
*Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
*Has a history of bad relationships.
*Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
*You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
*Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
*Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
*Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
*You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

I started thinking about this topic and wanted to pull up that list of warnings signs.....all this inspired by a new man I have been talking to on the phone. Haven't met him in the flesh yet......and he seems quite nice actually.
However......something about him......keeps reminding me of my relationship with my very possessive/jealous/disturbed first husband.

I think there should be clarity about exactly what abuse is, too.

What Is Abuse?

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, guy or girl. It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want.

The first step in getting out of an abusive relationship is to realize that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person.
Signs of Abusive Relationships

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:

* harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
* tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
* frequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
* coerces or threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship
* twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
* demands to know where you are at all times
* constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are also red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. When someone says stuff like "If you loved me, you would . . . " that's also a warning of possible abuse. A statement like this is controlling and is used by people who are only concerned about getting what they want — not caring about what you want. Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html#

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Opinions? Experiences? Things you have learned or seen? Anything to add?

Input from the men is okay, too. Just don't want any bashing/blaming of people that have been in/are in abusive relationships. The intent of this thread is to "hash it out" and perhaps find an understanding/insight of each other and how we can make our lives/relationships better.

Tau

11-10-2009, 09:49 AM

I've never been in one but I have a friend in an abusive relationship :( It makes me so angry GE, Im actually sitting here crying just thinking about it. He doesn't hit her, but thats about all he doesn't do. And she won't get out. I'm constantly telling her how much better she is than that, I've begged her to go. Last week I snapped. I shouted at her, which doesn't help anybody, I know, but I'm running out of ideas on how to reach her. What would you have liked your friends to say or do for you when you were being hurt? I know I can't make her leave, although I'm really tempted to just kidnap her, but there must be another way I can reach her? Sorry, this isnt exactly sharing an experience but any advice at all would be appreciated.

Green Eyed Fairy

11-11-2009, 03:08 PM

Tau....the best things my friends ever did for me was not make me feel judged, gave me support when I was down and ultimately, when I did decide to get out, my best friend Amy was one of the most supportive, kind and protective people in my life.

Sorry about your friend......since the guy doesn't hit her.....who knows, she may not realize that what is happening to her is abuse. We have all heard the stories of battered wives, sneaking away with only the clothes on their back, to get away from an abuser.
But what about those that are not beaten physically? Or like myself, hit on such a rare occasion, that you let it slide for sake of the children/marriage.

Marriage is highly valued by a lot of people in society....and there is the always the mantra of "work it out".
He gets drunk, kicks you in the side of the head, or assaults you and his family members, you just try to ensure he cuts back on the drinking.

He is in the doghouse long enough to figure out he needs to pay his penance, so to speak, and holds it in the road long enough for everyone to grow complacent again.

It was systematic...the patterns. It was my recognition of the patterns that propelled me to start doing things differently.

Ultimately, when your friend has had enough of him, she will push away from the table and leave.

Dr. Feelgood

11-11-2009, 06:38 PM

Ultimately, when your friend has had enough of him, she will push away from the table and leave.

Isn't this the moment of greatest danger? Abusers need to control their victims, and their greatest fear is loss of control. I've heard stories about women who walked away and were followed ... sometimes with violence. Maybe this is an Oklahoma thing, but once or twice a year there's a story in the paper about some lady who divorced her husband and got custody of the children: he got drunk, killed her, killed the kids, killed himself. :eek: I guess what I'm asking is how a woman can protect herself in this kind of situation: what kind of backup do you need, and how do you get it? :confused:

Green Eyed Fairy

11-11-2009, 06:59 PM

Isn't this the moment of greatest danger? Abusers need to control their victims, and their greatest fear is loss of control. I've heard stories about women who walked away and were followed ... sometimes with violence. Maybe this is an Oklahoma thing, but once or twice a year there's a story in the paper about some lady who divorced her husband and got custody of the children: he got drunk, killed her, killed the kids, killed himself. :eek: I guess what I'm asking is how a woman can protect herself in this kind of situation: what kind of backup do you need, and how do you get it? :confused:

I have read those stories, too. There are women's shelters for battered women.
But then again, it's all part of it, I suppose. If you can't make enough money to support those kids on your own, if you cannot afford your own rent or if you cannot afford day care so you can work and afford all the above, then you are trapped without the support/aid of friends/family.
Police.....I have known some officers and they said the worst thing they fear is a domestic call because they never know what they are getting into. Sometimes, women turn and protect the guy that beat them.
I have seen it myself first hand at a place where I worked and a woman asked me to call the police. The guy dragged her around the parking lot, punched her, tossed her around while all the women in the place were upset and trying to find weapons to stop him. She was bloody and ran to the front door......looked up at me while he had her on the ground and she tossed me his car keys.
It was a WTF moment for me......and he stood up and approached me...yeah, he got his bloody(literally) car keys back quickly. I told her to let him go.....that someone there would make sure she had a ride to wherever she needed to go.
Police showed up as he was trying to pull out....she told the police nothing happened and they had to let them go....her leaving with him in the car.
Us ladies asked some of the guys hanging there why they didn't try to help....they said that was why...that some women will "turn on them".

I learned a lot that day about violence against women and how the world sees it......

BBW4Chattery

11-11-2009, 09:30 PM

I was in a relationship that was more shady than abusive. He was a total jerk, for sure, but his only physically abusive act came during the final confrontation of his lies. We ended it THAT day forever. I walked away (rode away bawling in an ambulance, more emotionally hurt than physically hurt), lost all respect for him, and think he's the most pathetic little man on the planet.

My family is extremely abusive and after growing up in that, I've not had any sort of tolerance for anything less than a respectful, healthy man. I knew this dude was a little off but I'd just broken it off with my adoring ex fiance who I'd been mean to for years... so I thought I'd flip the switch and be super kind to the next guy to make up for the sins of the past.

I need to learn to trust my instincts though... I usually give guys one chance too many. I meet a lot of not great guys, like everyone, but I tend to evacuate by the third red flag. In my dating relationships, I've been super lucky to have found really great guys who, even if they were totally not a match for me, they were never abusive to me in any way.

It's super hard to see other people get trapped in abusive relationships with men. I feel like I have some understanding because I'm trapped like that with my parents. People tell you to just walk away and forget about them... but there's love here, even if they are the most unhealthy and crappy parents on earth, they're still the only ones I have and that's hard to abandon.

I once tried to "rescue" a friend from an abusive relationship. She was a former debutante from a super well known family with lots of connections across our state and brothers and sisters who excelled in their personal and professional lives. She ended up falling in with a married drug dealer 20 years her senior .... they met at her apartment complex. Many abuses transpired from him ... physical and emotional. She ended up holding his drugs for him in public, black eyes, bruises around the neck, etc.

I went to their home and "rescued" her 3 or 4 times... I offered her a place to stay, I went with her to Domestic Violence. I went with her to the ER as she miscarried their child. I didn't sugarcoat anything... I told her, "at least it won't be born with a disability from all of the drugs you've done over the last few months." I was supportive too, told her we'd get counseling... but I wasn't about to mourn the loss of a child being brought into an unsafe home.

The last straw for me was when I went to pick her up one day when she called in tears. Her throat and shoulders were already black and her eyes bloodshot from him having strangled her just an hour earlier. She told me she was upset because they'd been robbed and someone took her deb necklace. I asked her to listen to how ridiculous she sounded. She was being beaten by a drug dealer daily and she was worried about her deb necklace. She told me her father had offered to give her a restaurant franchise (yes, give, free and clear) to operate if she would just move to that location (a large city, lots to do)... and she told me she didn't want to leave the guy.

At the end of that night, I told her I no longer felt safe being her rescuer. The guy knew where I lived, had been in my home, started driving past my home at odd hours to see if she was there, etc. I told her I couldn't do it but I'd do whatever I could to make sure she was safe if she called me any time... but it wouldn't be me coming to intervene anymore. It was a hard decision that I debated for weeks before that incident and one I still feel really guilt about from time to time. I had spent the previous summer working at the Domestic Violence shelter and just felt a lot of fear about how her situation was going to end... it sounds harsh, but I didn't want to go down with her and I wasn't strong enough to take a chance that I'd save her over us both ending up hurt.

I google her, try to find her on facebook, etc... but I haven't heard anything from her since that time. This all happened in a town where we lost two people our age (college students) to domestic violence within a span of weeks a few months after we met and became friends. At the very beginning of her abusive relationship, I was on the phone with this her and we heard the gunshots that killed one of the victims. The deceased had been banging on the door of a neighbor begging for help when she was shot. These abusers are not in their right minds and if they decide to take out the object of their abuse, they aren't going to be picky about who else gets hurt in the process.

Tau, don't feel guilty, you're respecting her decisions as an adult to continue the relationship. You're right that yelling doesn't help you or her but just try not to do it again if it's something you feel really harms your relationship. I don't have any advisement. Clearly, what I did wasn't the ideal situation... but just sharing that you're not the only one who has felt at the end of their life saving rope re: abuse.

Tau

11-12-2009, 06:18 AM

GEF and BBW4Chattery, thank you both so much for the advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Neen

11-12-2009, 06:23 AM

I've been in two. one was back in highschool, and it was physical. I graduated, and never looked back at him. He tried to visit me about 6 months ago (showed up on my doorstep) but i shut the door and off he went.
The 2nd was 4 years long and i'm STILL trying to get rid of him. This time it's emotional. Constantly berates me for my weight. Cheated on me with skinny blondes, compared me to thinner blonde women... made me feel like scum on the ground. I'm still trying to pick up the peices of what this man has torn down.. and i think how can i let another human being who is NOT any better then i, to destroy me?? Live and learn. You must walk away, and have a good suppport system around you who know what is going on. Speak up ladies and men who are being abused. It may just save your life.

TraciJo67

11-12-2009, 10:36 AM

I have read those stories, too. There are women's shelters for battered women.
But then again, it's all part of it, I suppose. If you can't make enough money to support those kids on your own, if you cannot afford your own rent or if you cannot afford day care so you can work and afford all the above, then you are trapped without the support/aid of friends/family.
Police.....I have known some officers and they said the worst thing they fear is a domestic call because they never know what they are getting into. Sometimes, women turn and protect the guy that beat them.
I have seen it myself first hand at a place where I worked and a woman asked me to call the police. The guy dragged her around the parking lot, punched her, tossed her around while all the women in the place were upset and trying to find weapons to stop him. She was bloody and ran to the front door......looked up at me while he had her on the ground and she tossed me his car keys.
It was a WTF moment for me......and he stood up and approached me...yeah, he got his bloody(literally) car keys back quickly. I told her to let him go.....that someone there would make sure she had a ride to wherever she needed to go.
Police showed up as he was trying to pull out....she told the police nothing happened and they had to let them go....her leaving with him in the car.
Us ladies asked some of the guys hanging there why they didn't try to help....they said that was why...that some women will "turn on them".

I learned a lot that day about violence against women and how the world sees it......

GEF, I can't be 100% certain, but I think that the laws have changed regarding domestic violence. The police officers that I know, who answer domestic disputes, will make an arrest with or without the victim's consent if it appears that the victim is injured or if the situation is volatile. The incident that you highlighted above ... to me, it seems that the responding officers were lazy and apathetic. They certainly could have taken eye-witness information into account and arrested the man, with or without his SO's consent.

One thing that bothers me is that police officers still seem woefully unskilled in handling domestic calls. A family member was involved in a very bad domestic situation that began, actually, when she filed for divorce and her husband was forced to leave the home. He stalked and harassed her for a long time (although thankfully, it never turned physical ... she just lived with the all-consuming fear of it, as he was behaving very irrationally). She did the only thing she knew to do ... called the police, each time he turned up on her property, even *after* she'd filed for and obtained a restraining order. The responding officers weren't at all sympathetic to her calls, and accused her of creating the situation, of being a drama queen, of using them to try to get back at her ex, etc. I have to wonder, had her ex made good on his many threats to harm her, what good the police would have done. And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.

joswitch

11-12-2009, 10:41 AM

When my Mum divorced my violent, psycho Dad she was rightly concerned he'd kill us all (and himself) in his initial rage. She hired a PI to serve the papers to him at the airport (on his return from "holiday") got a locksmith to change all the locks on the house, took me (aged 11) and my bro (age 4) to the bus station, and without telling anyone where we were going, went off to the seaside for a few days.. Me and my bro thought it was a little holiday.. My Dad did break into the house on his return.. We weren't there.. We all lived.. My mum literally saved our lives with that action. To anyone in a similar situation - do not announce your departure, get out, get gone, don't go back and don't ever let on where you've gone. Good luck to anyone in that situation reading this.

Dr. Feelgood

11-12-2009, 05:59 PM

And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.

Such is often the case, TraciJo ... but once I was on the jury in a case where the restraining order was crucial. The guy broke through his ex-wife's kitchen door one New Year's Eve, raped her, and held her hostage in her own home. She finally persuaded him to take her to the emergency room (he had broken her finger while raping her) where she told the nurse, "I've been raped," and specimens were taken. Well, rape isn't always taken real seriously out here in God's Country and Western :mad:, but what we the jury were able to send him away for was burglary! It would've been trespassing, which is a misdemeanor -- but the wife had taken out a restraining order, the violation of which made it burglary, a felony. So sometimes a restraining order comes in handy. :)

Green Eyed Fairy

11-13-2009, 08:16 PM

GEF, I can't be 100% certain, but I think that the laws have changed regarding domestic violence. The police officers that I know, who answer domestic disputes, will make an arrest with or without the victim's consent if it appears that the victim is injured or if the situation is volatile. The incident that you highlighted above ... to me, it seems that the responding officers were lazy and apathetic. They certainly could have taken eye-witness information into account and arrested the man, with or without his SO's consent.

One thing that bothers me is that police officers still seem woefully unskilled in handling domestic calls. A family member was involved in a very bad domestic situation that began, actually, when she filed for divorce and her husband was forced to leave the home. He stalked and harassed her for a long time (although thankfully, it never turned physical ... she just lived with the all-consuming fear of it, as he was behaving very irrationally). She did the only thing she knew to do ... called the police, each time he turned up on her property, even *after* she'd filed for and obtained a restraining order. The responding officers weren't at all sympathetic to her calls, and accused her of creating the situation, of being a drama queen, of using them to try to get back at her ex, etc. I have to wonder, had her ex made good on his many threats to harm her, what good the police would have done. And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.

Thank you for joining the thread. Dr Feelgood asked a good question and fudge if I knew how to answer it. So yes, I was hoping the SW would participate :)

The incident I recalled took place very long ago.......but has stayed with me...an impression of battered women and the frustrations people that work with them must feel. My ex-husband had a friend we were visiting. The friend had too much to drink and started bashing his pregnant girlfriend. This upset us, of course, and my ex literally held the guy down on the couch and wouldn't let him hit his gf any more.
She refused to leave with us.....she refused to go next door to her parent's home. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying to calm him down....trying to get her to leave.
She didn't care he would beat her ass.....she wasn't afraid of it.

We didn't go over there again after that......not being able to stand it. She called us from the hospital when her baby was born and we went to visit her there. I hardly recognized her....months later...both of her eyes black and blue. Her prince had given her such a bad beating weeks earlier she had been hospitalized from it....at 8 months pregnant. In conversation with her, I got the impression she thought that the baby would change something.......

Last few times I have ran into her.....she's long got rid of her abuser. I told her how glad I was that she was away from him and told her she didn't deserve the shit he gave her. I think my words might have meant something from the way she hugged me.

I didn't tell her about how I had known a woman that was her neighbor in the apartment complex where she had moved to. The lady told me how not only her bf liked to beat her, but his whole family of female relatives came and beat her up, too. The neighbor was astounded.......not knowing her but upset by the way it happened so frequently.

I'm not judging her......remember....I'm the woman that stayed with the guy that kicked me in the head.

I'm the woman that started talking to the ex-bf again after he had tried to beat me in a drunken rage. He didn't succeed because I tried to take his head off with a shovel in my yard. This was after the other time I took him back after fleeing from my own home because he was trying to trap me in a back bedroom so he ripped my home apart instead (my children weren't home).

I didn't call the police any of those times either......I felt sorry for the guy that had been molested as a child and had recently got his abuser sent to jail....decades later.

My biggest regret is that I seemed to lose something in the eyes of my oldest daughter when she saw the destruction in our home and then saw me forgive him later on for it all. I am her example....and what a shitty one I make when it comes to the menfolk.

I think you are correct about the laws changing.....at least in my state. Ironically, the one person I know that was jailed from them was my friend Amy. She broke up with an ex-bf/father of her son. He didn't take it well and started stalking her. He called the police and claimed he had lived with her (he had never lived with her) and that she had hit him.

She was arrested.....and had to spend the night in jail until she could go in front of a judge the next morning.... because it was considered domestic violence. The person accused of abuse now has to spend X amount of time in jail before release. My friend explained that allows an abused person time to get away/out.....and she says that she didn't mind being in jail over night if that law saves someone's life.......

When my Mum divorced my violent, psycho Dad she was rightly concerned he'd kill us all (and himself) in his initial rage. She hired a PI to serve the papers to him at the airport (on his return from "holiday") got a locksmith to change all the locks on the house, took me (aged 11) and my bro (age 4) to the bus station, and without telling anyone where we were going, went off to the seaside for a few days.. Me and my bro thought it was a little holiday.. My Dad did break into the house on his return.. We weren't there.. We all lived.. My mum literally saved our lives with that action. To anyone in a similar situation - do not announce your departure, get out, get gone, don't go back and don't ever let on where you've gone. Good luck to anyone in that situation reading this.

I left my abusive, crazy first ex-husband by tossing all my clothes/things in the back of my car while he was at work.....and "hid" for several days. I couldn't go to my mom's place.......I tried to once really late at night after hiding out all day, in the hope of avoiding him....but he was waiting at three in the morning for me.
I just stayed a different place (with friends that he didn't know where they resided) each night....or slept in my car until I knew he was at work.
He got the point finally and agreed to split more peacefully.......

Such is often the case, TraciJo ... but once I was on the jury in a case where the restraining order was crucial. The guy broke through his ex-wife's kitchen door one New Year's Eve, raped her, and held her hostage in her own home. She finally persuaded him to take her to the emergency room (he had broken her finger while raping her) where she told the nurse, "I've been raped," and specimens were taken. Well, rape isn't always taken real seriously out here in God's Country and Western :mad:, but what we the jury were able to send him away for was burglary! It would've been trespassing, which is a misdemeanor -- but the wife had taken out a restraining order, the violation of which made it burglary, a felony. So sometimes a restraining order comes in handy. :)

Good to know :)

Jane

11-16-2009, 04:08 AM

Police officers who behave as you have described could possibly be abusive themselves or may have grown up in an abusive home. If they accept it as "normal"...obviously there is a problem.

And Dr. Feelgood, while we both live in Oklahoma, crazy freakoid stalker behavior is not limited to Oklahoma alone. The male attitude here of being able to "control your woman" doesn't help, though.

I worked, peripherially, with an abused women's shelter, and the times they had trouble was almost invariably when the women had called their abusers and told them where they were. Escaping the psychological issues surrounding abuse is the hardest part. It can become a pathology through generations of a family.

Green Eyed Fairy

11-24-2009, 04:41 PM

Violence Against Women Online Resources provides materials on domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking for criminal justice professionals, sexual assault and domestic violence victim advocates, and other multi-disciplinary professionals and community partners who respond to these crimes.

The materials on this site were developed by organizations with expertise in violence against women who provide technical assistance for grantees funded through the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice.

http://www.vaw.umn.edu/

GENERAL INFORMATION ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

This first group of websites provides general information on what domestic violence is, how to get help, and links to just about any aspect of abuse you might look for, including safety plans, links to Power and Control wheels and extensive lists of books, articles and of state coalitions. Scroll down (or use the links on the right to navigate) for resources on domestic violence in ethnic or religious groups, of deaf women, women with disabilities, lesbians, rural and Native American women. There are also resources focused on what communities can do.
http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html

***Not all the links on this one work but some do so I'm posting it

Domestic Violence Notepad
(Do not allow yourself to be a victim)

Warning:
HOW AN ABUSER CAN DISCOVER YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES

Links to vital information

http://www.womenlawyers.com/domestic.htm

Green Eyed Fairy

11-24-2009, 04:46 PM

Dating Violence

Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Young women need a dating safety plan.

Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:

* are inexperienced with dating relationships.
* are pressured by peers to act violently.
* want independence from parents.
* have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

* they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.
* "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness
* they "possess" their partner.
* they should demand intimacy.
* they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

* they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships
* their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."
* abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.
* there is no one to ask for help.

Teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, understand that they have choices, and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

* Extreme jealousy
* Controlling behavior
* Quick involvement
* Unpredictable mood swings
* Alcohol and drug use
* Explosive anger
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Uses force during an argument

* Shows hypersensitivity
* Believes in rigid sex roles
* Blames others for his problems or feelings
* Cruel to animals or children
* Verbally abusive
* Abused former partners
* Threatens violence

Common clues that indicate a teenager may be experiencing dating violence:

* Physical signs of injury
* Truancy, dropping out of school
* Failing grades
* Indecision
* Changes in mood or personality

* Use of drugs/alcohol
* Pregnancy
* Emotional outburst
* Isolation

From the Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence newsletter, Winter 1999

Help is available for teenagers
If you are a teenager involved in an abusive relationship, you need to remember that no one deserves to be abused or threatened. Remember you cannot change your batterer, and in time the violence will get worse. You need to take care of yourself. Talk to a trusted adult or locate a shelter or agency serving victims of domestic abuse in your community. Together, you can talk about making a plan to end the relationship and remain safe.
Call the Alabama Domestic Violence 24-hour hotline, 1-800-650-6522. Help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Information adapted in part from the Rose Haven Center for Domestic Violence in Gadsden (AL).

More Help
loveisrespect.org is a new 24 hour resource that utilizes telephone and web-based interactive technology to reach teens and young adults experiencing dating abuse. The Helpline numbers are: (866) 331-9474 and TTY (866) 331-8453. The peer to peer online individual chat function is available from 4 p.m. to midnight and can be accessed from the website.

Dating Safety

* Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
* Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
* Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
* If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
* Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
* Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Safety Planning for Teens
You should think ahead about ways to be safe if you are in a dangerous or potentially dangerous relationship. Here are some things to consider in designing your own safety plan.

* What adults can you tell about the violence and abuse?
* What people at school can you tell in order to be safe--teachers, principal, counselors, security?
* Consider changing your school locker or lock.
* Consider changing your route to/from school.
* Use a buddy system for going to school, classes and after school activities.
* What friends can you tell to help you remain safe?
* If stranded, who could you call for a ride home?
* Keep a journal describing the abuse.
* Get rid of or change the number to any beepers, pagers or cell phones the abuser gave you.
* Keep spare change, calling cards, number of the local shelter, number of someone who could help you and restraining orders with you at all times.
* Where could you go quickly to get away from an abusive person?
* What other things can you do?

Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence--nearly 20 per 1000 women.
(Bureau of Justice Special Report:
Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
Teen Dating Statistics

* About one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.
* Forty percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
* In one study, from 30 to 50 percent of female high school students reported having already experienced teen dating violence.
* Teen dating violence most often takes place in the home of one of the partners.
* In 1995, 7 percent of all murder victims were young women who were killed by their boyfriends.
* One in five or 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship.
* One of five college females will experience some form of dating violence.
* A survey of 500 young women, ages 15 to 24, found that 60 percent were currently involved in an ongoing abusive relationship and all participants had experienced violence in a dating relationship.
* One study found that 38 percent of date rape victims were young women from 14 to 17 years of age.
* A survey of adolescent and college students revealed that date rape accounted for 67 percent of sexual assaults.
* More than half young women raped (68 percent) knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance.
* Six out of 10 rapes of young women occur in their own home or a friend or relative's home, not in a dark alley.
* More than 4 in every 10 incidents of domestic violence involves non-married persons (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)

http://www.acadv.org/dating.html

Dating Bill of Rights

I have a right to:

Ask for a date

Refuse a date

Suggest activities

Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them

Have my own feelings and be able to express them

Say, "I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate"

Tell someone not to interrupt me

Have my limits and values respected

Tell my partner when I need affection

Refuse affection

Be heard

Refuse to lend money

Refuse sex any time, for any reason

Have friends and space aside from my partner

I have the responsibility to:

Determine my limits and values

Respect the limits of others

Communicate clearly and honestly

Not violate the limits of others

Ask for help when I need it

Be considerate

Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me

Set high goals for myself

From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

T.E.A.R- Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships

STATISTICS

* 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

* 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

* More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

* If trapped in an abusive relationship, 73% of teens said they would turn to a friend for help; but only 33% who have been in or known about an abusive relationship said they have told anyone about it. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

* Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.(Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

* Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)

* Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study of teens 13-17 conducted by Applied Research and Consulting LLC, Spring 2000)

* Teens report dating abuse via technology is a serious problem
* 71% of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cellphones and social networking sites as a serious problem.
* 68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem.
Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night
* Nearly one in four teens in a relationship (24%) communicated with their partner via cellphone or texting HOURLY between midnight and 5:00am.
* One in three teens (30%) say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they're doing, or who they're with. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; Technology & Teen Dating Abuse Survey, 2007)
http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php?q=statistics

Green Eyed Fairy

11-24-2009, 04:55 PM

WARNING
How an abuser can discover your internet activities

If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse. Additionally, the messages may constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.

history / cache file:

If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet.

You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.*

Netscape:
Pull-down Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator on choose 'Clear History'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

On older versions of Netscape: Pull down Options menu. Select Network Options, Select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

Internet Explorer :
Pull-down View menu, select Internet Options. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files , click on "Delete Files". Under History click on "Clear History."

AOL :
Pull-down Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.

* This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.

http://www.wrcsc.org/Warning.htm

KittyKitten

11-24-2009, 05:23 PM

cinnamitch

11-24-2009, 05:28 PM

KittyKitten

11-24-2009, 05:36 PM

If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in

I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said.

mossystate

11-24-2009, 05:41 PM

Happy, why did you jump from what Cinna said...to the rant about reasons why women are single? Where did she say anything about women expecting ' perfect ' men? Is it that everything you personally experience and like/accept, means that if another woman does not acccept it, she must be somehow wrong and destined to a life alone? I just don't get it.

KittyKitten

11-24-2009, 05:41 PM

If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in

You think I said that's the only way someone cares about a person? No. I should have been more clear--jealousy is a natural human trait. My boyfriend gets a little jealous of other men because I am a beautiful, sexy mami. But you know what? If that is sick, then so be it. He is still a damn good man!

Green Eyed Fairy

11-24-2009, 05:45 PM

I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh:)

My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends.
He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
He would start fights with my friends, start fights with my family, attempted to alienate me from my family and even started fights with strangers that looked our/my way.
My marriage quickly went from me trying to sooth/please him to me wishing one of those random strangers he started fights with would kick the living shit out of him.

Jealousy can definitely be a sign of abuse......I know because I have lived it first hand.

I was 19 years old the first time I got married- 22 the second time. Yes, too young to know wtf I was doing. Why I posted that link/info for teens. It does start with the young.....

I think a "little jealousy" or insecurity can occur in some relationships - but when it grows to be a consuming, problematic cloud over the relationship, no way in the world that is normal or healthy.

Jealously is a "hot-button" for many in abusive and in non-abusive relationships. It can be misinterpreted as a sign of caring for someone so much that the jealous partner reaches "tilt" should they sense the possibility of losing one's affections. However, never let this fool you. As it has nothing to do with your value or your partner's valuing of you. To the contrary.

If the jealously presents as a possessiveness of your time, attention, energy...then you are more likely looking at a jealously of a different bread. This type of possessive jealously is more about not having the capacity to share "center stage" with anything else when it comes to you being the audience.

In other words, a person evidencing this type of jealousy will have absolutely no tolerance for competing with anything or anyone over your attention, your time, your energy. And further, the jealous partner will, at all cost, attempt to eliminate the competition either directly or indirectly by assaulting your personal affections or ties to that which poses a threat.

The long and the short here is that this type of possessive jealously has more to do with the jealous person. This person is actually demonstrating his/her lack of confidence in themselves and in their ability to be valued by you.

If you see this possessive jealously in combination with the balance of the characteristics that make up the constellation of symptoms defining intimate partner violence, use it as a warning sign. You may indeed be in a very dangerous relationship.

http://www.ideamarketers.com/?Jealousy_and_Abusive_Relationships_-_When_Is_Jealously_a_Sign_of_an_Abusive_Relationsh ip&articleid=375183

How to Overcome Jealousy

Overcoming jealousy isn't easy - especially for men and women with low self-esteem. However, envious feelings can make you bitter and resentful over time. This can lower self-confidence even more, and drive friends and family away. It's not fun to hang out with people who can't be happy with themselves! If you've been having envy issues, here's how to overcome jealousy:

1. Don't compare yourself with others. So what if they're rich or super-hot? Big deal if your best friend is a genius, while you can barely count to 10! Every person has a unique set of traits to offer. Besides, you can always get what they have (e.g. looks, money, success). Go after what you want!

2.To feel better about yourself, concentrate on your best qualities. Are you generous, hard-working, kind, or great with kids? Are you fun-loving, adventurous, or mature for your age? Do you have any rare talents? Make a list of everything you like about yourself and read it before you go to sleep.

3. Tone down the personality traits you don't like. Are you often mean or easily angered? Find new ways to stay calm and relaxed. Practice being a better person. We all have faults, and should strive to overcome them. After all, when you like yourself more, the people around you probably will, too.

http://www.ehow.com/how_5620889_overcome-jealousy.html

Green Eyed Fairy

11-24-2009, 05:46 PM

Insecure people are attracted to each other, I suspect. It's part of the dysfunctional dance, isn't it?

And, as always, I am in this mix and not judging anyone.

KittyKitten

11-24-2009, 05:49 PM

cinnamitch

11-24-2009, 05:49 PM

I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said.

I am not a jealous person, does that mean i am not human? Honestly in any relationship i had i trusted that person to do right. If i was proven that my trust was misplaced then lesson learned. Being jealous would have not changed a thing, just would have made me feel like shit. I would hope a man i am with would not have to be jealous of me. I do not do things to encourage that feeling and so far it has worked for me

KittyKitten

11-24-2009, 06:01 PM

If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in

See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.

My goodness......

mossystate

11-24-2009, 06:07 PM

I also think it matters if a person is letting you know they are jealous, as a way of telling you just how wonderful they think you are......not healthy.

Pangs of jealousy are pretty normal. Making sure your partner knows you are jealous, or wearing it as some badge of honor...that is just odd. Normal does not mean the deeper reasons should not be worked on...that's how shit becomes way out of control.

cinnamitch

11-24-2009, 06:37 PM

See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.

My goodness......

Dudette smooth your hackles. I meant you as in the general population of you, not specifying YOU at all

Sandie_Zitkus

11-25-2009, 12:04 AM

Jealousy is a waste of energy. It solves nothing, it creates drama. And it reveals insecurity. The older I get the more ridiculous jealousy seems.

TraciJo67

11-25-2009, 06:25 AM

Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat.

happyface, with all due respect, this doesn't belong here. We all get that there's such a thing as healthy jealousy. This thread is about abusive relationships, and as such, the type of jealousy that GEF is highlighting serves as a red flag. This is an important thread. GEF (and others) have put a considerable amount of time -- and consideration -- into it. I know that you enjoy spirited debate. But please ... not here.

Green Eyed Fairy

11-26-2009, 06:12 PM

A random sample of students at a large Midwestern University was selected in order to examine whether and how physical and sexual abuse were related to each other for men and women, whether abuse in one relationship was independent of abuse in other relationships, and how victims responded to abusive incidents. The results revealed several important patterns. When comparing the frequency of physical and sexual abuse for men and women, it was found that sexual abuse was more common than physical abuse, but only for women. Additionally, women experienced more sexual abuse than men. While men and women did not experience physical abuse in other relationships at more than chance levels, women who sustained sexual abuse in one relationship were more likely to sustain sexual abuse in other relationships. Furthermore, while sustaining physical and sexual abuse were not associated with one another for men, there was a weak association for women. Finally, victims of abuse were more likely to tell their friends they had been abused than report it to criminal justice authorities.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/l7u1x644041x82x0/

But let's switch to what we should be striving for.....

Co-Creating a Healthy Relationship

Dr Glasser states that every human being needs at least one primary relationship in their life where they know for sure that they are loved. He says we need a healthy, intimate relationship with that other human being in order to meet four basic human needs...
For a fulfilling relationship we need to:

* Give Love
* Receive Love
* Feel worthwhile to self
* Feel worthwhile to others

Externalizers or "Takers" are all-about-themselves so they are good at receiving love and feel worthwhile to self... but not so good at giving love or feeling worthwhile to others.

Internalizers or "Givers" are all-about-others so they are good at giving love and feel worthwhile to others... but not so good at receiving love or feeling worthwhile to themselves.

Most of us are aware that Givers & Takers seems to find each other... This is another example of the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks - such as those between Codependents & Alcoholics, Distancers & Pursuers, or Victims & Rescuers.

In a healthy intimate relationship both parties are giving and receiving love... and as a result, feel worthwhile to self and the other. They take responsibility for co-creating their relationship.

For example, if I refuse to open up and share my true feelings with you then we cannot have intimate communication.

But if I do choose to allow myself to be open and vulnerable we can enjoy healthy intimacy - provided your response reinforces my choice to share how I feel with you.

If you - on the other hand - repeatedly respond in a hurtful way to my attempts to be open then I soon decide its not okay to be open.

In other words - we co-create our healthy relationship patterns through our genuine attempts to communicate and our partner's supportive and authentic responses to those attempts.

So what does a healthy relationship look like? See "Traits of a Healthy Relationship" in the next section. For "Stages of a healthy relationship" click here.

Or you may want to explore the Twenty Signs of Marriage Problems and Healing Marriage Problems.

Traits of a Healthy Relationship

The healthy relationship does not just happen - it's like a plant ... It needs to be nourished, watered, and put out in the sunshine. If the plant is not cared for properly it will begin to show signs of stress... wilting, turning yellow - eventually it dies.

The healthy relationship goes through specific developmental stages and has identifiable traits...

Traits of a Healthy Relationship:

* Love - The two toughest questions of existence - "What is life?" and "What is love?" I do not claim to know the answers to these questions because I feel it's something highly subjective and personal - We all have to answer these questions for ourselves and we all have our own constantly evolving cognitive map for the terms.

Whatever "true love" means to you is going to guide all of your action, reactions, and decisions in the arena of relationship because it is so closely tied to the pain & pleasure continuum.

There is nothing quite like "getting it right" in a healthy relationship, and nothing quite like "getting it wrong" and losing at love.

To me, sports is the closest I can get to something similar... I'm old enough to remember the old ABC Wide World of Sports tagline - "...the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat!".

Whatever love means to YOU... it must be there for you to stay motivated to last the entire season and win the "Superbowl".

Me? - I think love is a verb... an action word. It's not a "thing" that exists between us. It's something we demonstrate over and over again in our actions and reactions. Love is a behavior that helps us co-create a loving, healthy relationship".

Like the term "relationship"... "love" is a nominalization (a verb turned into a noun). We must turn both terms back into action words in order to "get it right."

The action word for relationship is to "relate" - When we step back and ask "How is our relationship going?"... its the wrong question.

We need to get specific and ask questions like:
o "Who is doing most of the relating?"
o "Who is relating what to whom?"
o "Am I relating what I want to relate to my partner?"

Many times people miss the expressions of love by their partners because they are looking for the wrong things...Some expect to hear frequent "I Love Yous"... But their partner's may have learned to express love by some other method such as:

o Working hard to make a comfortable living
o Giving gifts
o Spending time together
o affectionate touch
o Doing things for their partner

It is important to be able to ask for what you need... In fact, the hallmark of a dysfunctional relationship is that it is NOT okay to ask directly for what you need.

Perhaps you have repeatedly asked your partner for more physical affection...they may try for a few days but then things "go back to normal". It's usually because your partner does not have that particular behavior built into his/her neural network for love, also known as their... Love Map.

In this case, your partner must "practice" by consciously making an effort to give you what you need. At first it will feel solicited (because it is) but within a few weeks can become automatic and unsolicited... a part of your synchronized map for how you do love as a couple.

It's much easier to run on auto-pilot and go with our subconscious programming than it is to develop new programming with conscious effort... All those New Years resolutions that we fail to keep are examples of this.

However, for something as important as your healthy relationship it's wise to invest the effort in updating your Love Map... maybe just one thing at a time, but do it whenever possible.

There is a presupposition in NLP that states... "You cannot NOT communicate". It means that your lack of relating - is relating something to your partner.

The remainder of this list are some traits worth relating to each other that will help you "get it right" - provided you really want to invest in and co-create a healthy relationship.

* Separateness & Connectedness - Any expert on healthy relationships will spend a lot of time assessing the separateness and connectedness of a couple who comes to them for help.

The ability to maintain a solid sense-of-self is critical to being able to co-create a healthy relationship. Likewise, the ability to bond with another person is a requirement for true intimacy.

To get an idea of this concept... bring both of your hands together touching only at the finger tips and thumbs... Here you see two parts creating one whole (connectedness)... However, you can also see where one begins and the other ends (separateness).

Now...interlace your fingers as if you are folding your hands. This is all connectedness and no separateness. A couple of family therapy terms for this are "fusion" or "enmeshment" - two people have become so tangled up with each other emotionally that it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins - They have lost their healthy boundary.

Enmeshment may look equal but it is not...one person gets "swallowed-up" or engulfed by the other losing their autonomy and sense-of-self. An Externalizer usually does the swallowing and the Internalizer usually gets swallowed-up.

If this is a theme in your relationships then it is likely that you became emotionally enmeshed with one of your parents which kept you from being able to fully separate or gain a sense of autonomy...

"Being swallowed-up" is a reenactment, or repetition-compulsion of that early enmeshment and "doing the swallowing" is usually a reaction-formation to the pain of that early experience...

A reaction-formation is an external over-compensation for an internal fear of the opposite. For example... an excessive need for control is often an over-compensation for a fear of being controlled.

If you will now separate you hands entirely and keep them six to eight inches apart you can see all separateness with no connection... family therapists call this a "disengaged" relationship. The wide boundary between them is created and maintained by distancing behaviors.

Distancing in a relationship is also related to a fear of enmeshment or engulfment - a fear of being "swallowed-up" and losing the boundary between self and other.

Kids who experienced too much distance in their "source relationships" (Parents) develop a fear of abandonment... they tend to choose distancers who fear being engulfed.

The distancing of their partner triggers their fear of abandonment causing a compulsion to pursue... which causes more distancing by their partner - a repetition-compulsion or "reenactment of the family dance" they were programmed to act-out.

For more on the dynamics of distance & pursuit check out Relationship Help and Addictive Relationships.

A people in a healthy relationship relate to each other in a way that respects the partnership they have formed while also respecting the individuality of each other. This ability to balance separateness with connectedness allows Mutuality to develop...
Let's Have a Conversation about Relationships!
Are you having problems in your marriage or other significant relationship? Having trouble with communication? Or just want to learn more about healing relationships?

This Forum is a place to gain a fresh perspective... ask questions, encourage others, share your story, swap ideas, discuss relationship problems with others who have "been there and done that".

Click here to go to the Marriage & Relationship Forum
* Mutuality - Mutuality is a blend of acceptance and equality where partners in a healthy relationship...

o accept each other as they are
o make sure each their of needs are given equal priority
o are willing to make sacrifices for win-win scenarios
o encourage and support each other in pursuit of individual goals and dreams...even if that means less time together...in some cases - even if it means letting them go by mutually ending or suspending the relationship.

* Intimacy - True intimacy is the ability to share who you really are with another person... This presupposes that you have a partner who is also willing and able to share who they really are with you.

If you've read the "Iceberg" then you know about the Invented-Self, the False-Self, and the True-Self... Sharing your True-Self demands that you have access to it.

Those who have been affected by the woundedness of others may not know who they really are - Some may even have Adult-Child Syndrome, Codependency, an Addiction, Depression, or some other chronic neural network that limits or impairs their ability to share who they really are.

If this is true in your case (as it is with most of us) then your healthy relationship can only come with a plan for healing your own woundedness as a first step.

If you already have self-awareness (i.e. know your issues and are doing something about them) then you may be ready for the work of co-creating your future.

Even in the best of circumstances laying the groundwork for a healthy relationship is hard work... but with a great payoff!

A word about sex - Healthy couples have a great sex life because they have discovered that sex is the "gravy on top" and that the "meat and potatoes" of their partnership is the intimacy that comes from the emotional connection that they share.

Some people place so much emphasis on sex that they don't feel inclined to do the work of building a healthy relationship.

While sex is an intimate act and as close as two people can physically get to one another... it's just not the same without having the emotional connection that comes from true intimacy - sharing who you really are.

This is frequently why many relationships fail... you cannot survive for long on gravy alone. I'll go out on another limb here and say that you have never experienced great sex if you have not first connected fully on an emotional level.

* Response-able Partners - Response-able partners accept that they have the ability-to-respond in any way they choose to any situation in their life. They refuse to put on the mantle of Victimhood which is handed out so easily in our culture.

They may have irrational thoughts, limiting beliefs, emotional wounds, and other issues in their life that hold them back - but they are doing something about it. They know that they can change and are actively involved in personal growth.

For more on this check out this information on Response-Ability.

* Trust & Safety - Trust & Safety cannot be separated. They are the byproducts of practicing the ideas and behaviors list here.

Have you ever tried to pull a blanket off of someone who's cold? They just hold on that much tighter... If you want them to take the blanket off, then turn up the emotional thermostat to "warm and safe" and they will take it off themselves. (Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go P.249)

* Adaptability - People in a healthy relationship are flexible and can adapt to the changing needs of their partner. They value differentness as much as they do sameness. They can agree to disagree without it affecting the way they relate to each other.

* Commitment - All of the above takes supreme effort and commitment. The first item on this list (Love) will provide the motivation and energy to stick with this last item - a strong commitment to tighten the "nuts and bolts" in between.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/healthy_relationship.html

CurvyEm

12-03-2009, 04:26 AM

Reading through those lists really freaks me out. Not because I'm in an abusive relationship but because I do a lot of things on the list. I'll bold the ones I do:

*Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
*Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
*Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
*Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
*Abuses drugs or alcohol.
*Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
*Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
*Has a history of bad relationships.
*Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
*You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
*Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
*Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
*Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
*You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

Its hit like a ton of breaks. I don't do all the stuff all the time, and I do believe a lot of it is his fault but I react really badly to all the stupid things he does and I do a lot to get a reaction out of him like a spoilt child.

I honestly didn't think all that stuff was that bad. I mean I know I wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. I honestly didn't think I was that bad until reading the list. :( So now I reconise this behaviour is there ways to try and change it?

CurvyEm

12-03-2009, 04:35 AM

Green Eyed Fairy

12-03-2009, 09:46 AM

I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.

I have done some pretty "un-nice" things back to my own exes. I chalk that part up to be a co-dependent.
Not saying that it is YOUR situation, just adding something from my own experiences.

Co-dependents abuse each other.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Unhealthy dependencies and repressed anger could be just a few red flags that you are codependent.

Origins in Childhood

Childhood is the breeding ground for a vulnerability to codependency. It is typically triggered by an underlying problem in the family -- a parent with an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or the "clean addictions" like work, food, religion, gambling, computer games, Cannon explains.

"Even misery can be an addiction," she adds. "People get hooked on their own unhappiness, the victim mentality. They learn to get attention by getting people to feel sorry for them."

Mental illness (like depression), abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional), a chronic illness in the family, divorce -- they also set the stage for codependency.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

Fascinita

12-05-2009, 01:52 PM

calauria

01-11-2010, 02:43 PM

Green Eyed Fairy

01-11-2010, 04:31 PM

i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....:(

Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.

calauria

01-13-2010, 10:54 AM

Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.

Thank you for your encouragment. It is good to know that there is a way out of this. :)

kristineirl

06-21-2010, 03:26 PM

nettie

06-24-2010, 09:40 PM

Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread GEF, and all your subsequent posts. It is so important for us to be discussing this!

In fact, this is the very topic I'm covering with my groups this summer and I've had some amazing conversations with male and female teens regarding their experiences and thoughts. If you have teenage children, please start having conversations with them, as well. It's crucial that they be able to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships. And, you'll be awed by their insight and wisdom.

katherine22

06-24-2010, 11:37 PM

i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....:(

We acquire our sense of normal from the family in which we were raised. If your father was abusvie to your mother, you will think that is normal behavior until you learn differently. Counseling can be helpful in understanding how one is continually attracted to abusive people. One question to ask that might inspire your thinking is - what would your life look like if you were in a good relationship and do the people that you associate with contribute to your vision of a good life for yourself?

Green Eyed Fairy

06-25-2010, 07:20 PM

tiger

08-07-2010, 04:34 AM

I havent read too many of the messages here but I get the general jist! Which is knowing when your in an abusive relationship. Im sure its already been written but women do not have a monopoly of being the victims of abusive relationships. It is the stereotypical notion that women are usually the hapless victims of abusive controlling men yet this is only half the story. The thing is alot of men in abusive relationships dont speak out for various reasons. Many reasons that women dont face. For every women that is in an abusive relationship there is a man in the same situation. Which begs the question of why do people get involved in abusive relationships? Well the answer is two fold. For half the people in these relationships they have actually chosen this type of relationship due to damaged and dysfunctional aspects of their own personality, this is done by upbringing mostly. These people unconsciously attrack and are attracked to the very types that will be bad for them and the very types that created these dysfunctions in the first place. These people accept the abuse because on some level it is familiar and therefore safe. For example the abused child who although dosent like abuse is on one level familiar with it so accepts it within a relationship. Then we have the other group of people who are in abusive relationships and this is the group I have found myself in. This group includes people who although havent been abused throughout childhood are willinging to see the good in people and give people the benefit of the doubt. The trickly thing with this group is that at first the abuse is subtle and one may not even be aware they are being abused. At first it wont seem like much and you ll think your creating things in your mind and dismiss yourself and your thoughts as being overly critical and picky. But over time things get slowly worse and you find yourself being abused a little more often and a little more overtly. You begin to feel very uncomfortable but because you like the person you still dismiss it and justify your feelings of discomfort by telling yourself your just making things up and once again put the emphasis on yourself and not the other person. Eventually you feel the pangs in your solar plexus when you realise you can no longer deny that the person you are with is an abusive person and you are in an abusive relationship. If you are not experienced it is easy to fall into this trap. The thing is with this type of relationship is that the abusive person has you questioning your entire reference points. They have subtly undermined you on every level and have begun to take your mind and soul. You find yourself defering to them on every occassion and find you cannot think for yourself anymore. If you do think for yourself you are labelled as inconsiderate or selfish. As the first post pointed out, key signs to watch out for in abusive relationships are possessiveness, where you are labelled selfish for meerly maintaing some boundaries, control freaks, who attempt to control evetry element of your personality and once again label you selfish and inconsiderate when you dare not allow this control, people who put you down if you dont do what they want or who put you down even if you do and of course there is the violent aspect which once again does not only apply to women. What im trying to say is that if the human race is going to continue to justify behaviour on the grounds of gender then we hare never going to progess. You mite hear the well known cliche of "women love bad boys" or "treat em mean keep em keen" what these statements are actually referring to are abusive relationships or an attraction based on dysfunctional and faulty emotional processes which are patterns based in childhood.

Green Eyed Fairy

08-07-2010, 10:35 AM

Tiger, you're right.....it has already been pointed out.

tiger

08-07-2010, 09:46 PM

I thought so, just wanted to put my two cents worth in as this subject touches very close.

tiger

08-07-2010, 09:53 PM

Actually reading more of this post, its quite an interesting area and a liberating feeling to come to terms with and know why you have made the choices you have and why your life has been as it has. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family environment and have learnt to be co dependant which I am very much aware of. Consequently I have chosen the "wrong types", the types who will only reinforce this codependent mindset. Interesting topic and liberating to be aware of and relieving to escape from.

blubberismanly

08-08-2010, 11:42 AM

Quickest method of ending relationship...

Divorce plus restraining order.

Worked for me. It wasn't super easy and I had to use a check he didn't know I had...and I had to separate from him first.

6 moths later I was free.

hal84

08-18-2010, 08:39 AM

Abusive relationships go both ways. I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship when i was younger. She would berate me and take out her life issues on me, it would also become physical with the last straw is boiling coffee thrown on me. I walked away and I have learned from it, but it still hurt like nothing else at the time. Just through I'd put in my two cents.

Shan34

07-27-2011, 01:34 PM

My abusive relationship experience taught me well. In the beginning he did the classic separating me from my friends and family, wanting to know where I was at all times, got physically abusive. You know, the classic abusive relationship.

I left him for a while. I went back on the statements that he had changed, blah blah blah. And he did. But it was many years later that I realized he just changed his tactics. He used my fears against me, teased me with knives (don't ask me why I'm scared of them-cuz I don't know), and many other weird things like that. At the end I began to think that I was going insane. Because I was constantly fighting myself. I'd tell myself, "my god, he's just joking around" but it didn't truly ever feel like that. And I knew that when I got so scared I cried and he didn't stop...that's not joking.

Just be aware that an abusive relationship evolves. And it's sometimes hard to recognize abuse.

Lamia

07-27-2011, 03:15 PM

Thank you for sharing your stories and I am sure this thread will help many people. I am so thankful that I've never had any of these awful experiences. I am concerned that maybe I am too controlling and bossy though. :(