TallFatSue
05-19-2006, 05:05 AM
I'm an office manager, and this morning one of my staff showed me this article.
The Onion: Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up
May 15, 2006 | Issue 42•20
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48463
NEWARK, NJ -- According to colleagues of Steven Murphy, the veteran designer best contributes to the creativity, efficiency, and morale of his employer, Design-X, when he is absent. "We have our best days around here when Steven's out of the office -- people collaborate without constant interruption, work flow isn't derailed so he can make his useless notations all over everything, and you can freely critique design work without worrying that someone's going to take it as a personal attack," said a coworker of Murphy's who requested anonymity. "Best of all, people go home without a splitting headache induced by a single subject: Steven Murphy, The Brilliant, Talented, And Criminally Underappreciated Designer." Coworkers declined to comment further after Murphy entered the room.
This reminds me soooo much of a problem employee whom I helped eject last December. He loved to needle everyone and keep them off balance, or rant and rave, but he never came right out and did anything that we could discipline him for. He knew how to play the system, push everyone's buttons and watch them fight, but he never completely crossed the line. Well, the planets must have lined up one day because during a meeting, somehow his buttons got pushed, he went ballistic and shouted "I quit!" marched out the door and drove away. Immediately I adjourned our meeting and told our personnel manager and our attorney. The next morning that jerk came to work like nothing had happened, and personnel informed him that his resignation was legal and accepted. The jerk had half an hour to clean out his office, turn in his keycards, and leave the building. "That fat-ass bitch Sue just fired me!" Our personnel manager spoke up: "No, she didn't. You quit, and we have 6 witnesses."
It was a gut-wrenching thing to do, and given the size of my gut I was a nervous wreck afterward, but morale skyrocketed around our office after that jerk left, so it was well worth it. It's not often that my staff gives me a round of applause. For a while we were half afraid that jerk might return and retaliate, but rumor has it that he went to work for his brother-in-law. Fine, let him deal with it. The problem with disruptive elements like him is that they complain that the world is out to get them, and are oblivious that the real problem is them. (Methinks there are a few on this board too.)
It's kinda like my distant cousin Bill, who went through a nasty 3rd divorce 2 years ago. "Gee, Bill, if it's your 3rd divorce, maybe the problem is you!"
Some things I love about my size is that it helps make me more assertive when I need to be, and my obese body helped me realize early on what truly matters in life.
The Onion: Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up
May 15, 2006 | Issue 42•20
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48463
NEWARK, NJ -- According to colleagues of Steven Murphy, the veteran designer best contributes to the creativity, efficiency, and morale of his employer, Design-X, when he is absent. "We have our best days around here when Steven's out of the office -- people collaborate without constant interruption, work flow isn't derailed so he can make his useless notations all over everything, and you can freely critique design work without worrying that someone's going to take it as a personal attack," said a coworker of Murphy's who requested anonymity. "Best of all, people go home without a splitting headache induced by a single subject: Steven Murphy, The Brilliant, Talented, And Criminally Underappreciated Designer." Coworkers declined to comment further after Murphy entered the room.
This reminds me soooo much of a problem employee whom I helped eject last December. He loved to needle everyone and keep them off balance, or rant and rave, but he never came right out and did anything that we could discipline him for. He knew how to play the system, push everyone's buttons and watch them fight, but he never completely crossed the line. Well, the planets must have lined up one day because during a meeting, somehow his buttons got pushed, he went ballistic and shouted "I quit!" marched out the door and drove away. Immediately I adjourned our meeting and told our personnel manager and our attorney. The next morning that jerk came to work like nothing had happened, and personnel informed him that his resignation was legal and accepted. The jerk had half an hour to clean out his office, turn in his keycards, and leave the building. "That fat-ass bitch Sue just fired me!" Our personnel manager spoke up: "No, she didn't. You quit, and we have 6 witnesses."
It was a gut-wrenching thing to do, and given the size of my gut I was a nervous wreck afterward, but morale skyrocketed around our office after that jerk left, so it was well worth it. It's not often that my staff gives me a round of applause. For a while we were half afraid that jerk might return and retaliate, but rumor has it that he went to work for his brother-in-law. Fine, let him deal with it. The problem with disruptive elements like him is that they complain that the world is out to get them, and are oblivious that the real problem is them. (Methinks there are a few on this board too.)
It's kinda like my distant cousin Bill, who went through a nasty 3rd divorce 2 years ago. "Gee, Bill, if it's your 3rd divorce, maybe the problem is you!"
Some things I love about my size is that it helps make me more assertive when I need to be, and my obese body helped me realize early on what truly matters in life.