What to do when someone's perving on your girl ?

[Fat Brian]

Crystal and I went out for breakfast today and there was an incident.

Shortly after we were seated a fresh group was seated directly behind me. A few minutes after our food comes she tells me they guy behind me is staring at her and making her uncomfortable. I slide over and sit to where I would be blocking his view. We continue our meal but she says he is still looking at her, even leaning back in his seat to look around me. We finish our meal and I stand up and look directly at him, Crystal is still sitting down putting on her coat and he is glaring at her tits. I moved closer him him and said, "Hey, next time that will cost you a dollar." He knew he was busted and that I was pissed, but my straightforward approach left her feeling somewhat embarrassed.

So, what do you do when someone is blatantly perving on your girl ? This isn't the first time something like this has happened but usually its either so quick or so unexpected that a response isn't usually needed. Rarely in my presence has someone persisted in their skeeving with such gusto.

[ZainTheInsane]

Uh...I suggest instead of it costing him a dollar, you imply it might cost him several thousand...to repair his face after you're done with it?

Or perhaps if you're more of the peaceful kind, simply tell the person in a firm voice, to stop staring at your girlfriend.

I'm sure there are a variety of other ways you could have said it and still not embarrassed your girlfriend. I think what you said could have been improved, AND that you could have implied the same thing by turning around and glaring.

As for her being embarrassed...wouldn't you be embarrassed too if your girlfriend sold people a look at your crotch for only a buck a piece? Lucky I wasn't the guy staring, I'd have given you the dollar just to see what happened! ;)

[Fat Brian]

To me the actual monetary amount wasn't important, I was just letting him know I knew what he had been doing. In a restaurant full of senior citizens I didn't want to sound threatening, just embarrass him in front of his tablemates. My wife is just embarrassed that I said anything at all, she still doesn't really get that people other than me can find her attractive and even more so for something like eating.

[kioewen]

Uh...I suggest instead of it costing him a dollar, you imply it might cost him several thousand...to repair his face after you're done with it?

Or perhaps if you're more of the peaceful kind, simply tell the person in a firm voice, to stop staring at your girlfriend.

Holy overreaction, Batman. The latter seems unnecessarily confrontational; the first a ticket to an anger-management class.

The guy was just looking at her. I think Brian's comment was a good one, because it was humorous, especially if he told it in a humorous way.

Basically, I think that if the girl herself feels uncomfortable, then it warrants a remark of just the kind that was delivered, just a jocular comment that reminds the guy to mind some decorum. But if she doesn't feel bad about it, then maybe it's worth ignoring. No harm, no foul.

Again, unless I'm missing something, it sounds like he was just looking at her -- in a public place.

[Fat Brian]

He was making her uncomfortable and I had already went the passive route by sliding my chair over to block his view. I was trying to point out to him that he was leering in a way not acceptable in a public place.

[Christov]

Eat them.

Head first.

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

could you have switched seats with her?

[Fat Brian]

could you have switched seats with her?

I probably should have, she didn't tell me anything was going on until we were almost finished eating. Then after I had moved over she didn't say he was still trying to look around me. I was unaware of the true extent of the situation until we were ready to leave.

[rollhandler]

As a "die hard" and proactive FA, when someone pervs my girl, I try to turn it into something positive about her.

This can be handled positively and may possibly give her a higher sense of self by pointing out that it is because she is so attractive that he is oggling her.

Someone who isn't attracted will not stare for longer than it takes to form the thought of revulsion and move on.

I have no way to ease the discomfort of being stared at but handling it in this manner will lend credence to your claim of her beauty. If she chooses to believe you and if it happens often enough and is reinforced, she may begin to stop listening to the little voice in her mind telling her that nobody else would find her attractive but you.

She was already uncomfortable. I will bet that she respects that you the man took care of business and stood up for her, however she also feels that by doing so you also drew more attention to an already awkward situation that she wanted so simply stop, the side affect of this was that you unwittingly and with good intention made an already uncomfortable situation moreso.

Next time try this: Handwrite a note stating simply "It is rude and inconsiderate to stare at my girlfriend, and disrespectful to me to do it in my presence.

Give it to him as you leave and let him explain it to his friends at the table, since if he was so obvious in his actions they will certainly take care of him for you, by their comments and ribbing at getting caught.

You have taken the high road.
No further attention is drawn to you or your girlfriend.
He knows he didn't get away with it.
You walk away and he gets hell from his friends embarrassing him for his own actions.

She still sees you as a man of action standing up for her.
Rollhandler

[CastingPearls]

Nevermind.

[Elfcat]

You know, I tend to try to assume the best about people on the first pass, so if I was in that situation I wouldn't even move closer, I would say with excellent annunciation:

Yes, I hope you find someone like my gal someday too!

That makes it clear I am standing up for her, but also acknowledges his longing to have the same good luck that I have found.

[CastingPearls]

If a man is staring at me in a restaurant and is as obvious as looking and moving around others to look at me, I will stand up and stare back. Sometimes I blow kisses. Sometimes I mouth 'fuck you' at them--it depends on my mood and how much I've had to drink. But, admittedly, that's me..no shy violet.

Brian, I don't think you did anything wrong. It's instinctive to want to protect your lady and it's probably instinctive that she felt that a fuss was made but was also probably relieved.

Writing a note IMO seems archaic not to mention pointless because it doesn't address terminating his behavior--she would still have to endure his staring (which is rude and not a reward for beauty), especially since the guy probably had no couth or manners and his buddies shaming him seems very unlikely. I have enough experience to know a lot of guys friends are often egging them on and would blow off the note.

Threatening violence could potentially cause harm so that would be a last resort if any...I'd prefer it to be handled with humor myself.

[tonynyc]

If a man is staring at me in a restaurant and is as obvious as looking and moving around others to look at me, I will stand up and stare back. Sometimes I blow kisses. Sometimes I mouth 'fuck you' at them--it depends on my mood and how much I've had to drink. But, admittedly, that's me..no shy violet.

Brian, I don't think you did anything wrong. It's instinctive to want to protect your lady and it's probably instinctive that she felt that a fuss was made but was also probably relieved.

Writing a note IMO seems archaic not to mention pointless because it doesn't address terminating his behavior--she would still have to endure his staring (which is rude and not a reward for beauty), especially since the guy probably had no couth or manners and his buddies shaming him seems very unlikely. I have enough experience to know a lot of guys friends are often egging them on and would blow off the note.

Threatening violence could potentially cause harm so that would be a last resort if any...I'd prefer it to be handled with humor myself.

Wow... well hell I'm just going to stare back at you right now.... :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:

[Fat Brian]

I like Elfcats suggestion, thats very good.

I think I came off more like I was soliciting advice than I actually had intended too. I was really asking more what YOU have done in similar situations. It was late when I started this thread and my writing apparently suffered.

[thatgirl08]

The only thing I'd want my guy to do is laugh it off with me.

[Dromond]

This hasn't happened yet with Jackie, but how I've handled it in the past is to smugly point out that she's with me, not him, and will never be with him.

I can be an real ass when I want to be. :D

[bonified]

Just wondering, did she have her tits almost out?

Like were they full on doin' the "look at me" dance?

[Elfcat]

You know, one time when Kat and I were engaged, I remember now, she told me a very large African fellow pretty much asked her what a little man like me had to satisfy her... and she just looked back with a knowing smile and said he'd be surprised. <heheheh>

[Fat Brian]

Just wondering, did she have her tits almost out?

Like were they full on doin' the "look at me" dance?

No, she was very modestly dressed, more so than usual actually. Its difficult to completely hide H cup breasts but there was no skin on display. Either way that does not give him a right to ogle her in the manor he did.

[bonified]

No, she was very modestly dressed, more so than usual actually. Its difficult to completely hide H cup breasts but there was no skin on display. Either way that does not give him a right to ogle her in the manor he did.

I was just asking. Cos' you know, we all have eyes and all react. If your partner, owner of said tits, felt uncomfy, why didn't she tell him to simply piss off, or pull his head in.
Instead of acting all uncomfy & making you save the day & compounding the issue. I don't get that damsel in distress shit at all. If she's got H cup tits, people gonna be looking no matter what, she better toughen up, it's a crazy world.

[Dromond]

I was just asking. Cos' you know, we all have eyes and all react. If your partner, owner of said tits, felt uncomfy, why didn't she tell him to simply piss off, or pull his head in.
Instead of acting all uncomfy & making you save the day & compounding the issue. I don't get that damsel in distress shit at all. If she's got H cup tits, people gonna be looking no matter what, she better toughen up, it's a crazy world.

So it would be wrong if she had B cups, but with H cups it's okay. Cuz, you know, boys will be boys. :doh:

[mossystate]

Noticing anything that is not what one sees everyday - understandable. When it's more than a glance - not at all OK.
I like the idea of asking the one who is uncomfortable if they need assistance in the matter...and respect if the answer is no...and having any assistance ( sounds so duel at sunrise..heh ) fit what is being done. Tuning into your loved one is much more important than going John Wayne and making a point.

While not a perving situation, my roomie ( and ex ) once had a car next to him nearly crash into his car. Three little punks, baseball caps askew, laughed and responded to J's ' wtf ' hand motions with some choice words. When the boys then made a comment about my weight, J asked, " may I please have some fun? ". :D I said, nope...not with me in the car.

[Dromond]

Hey, at least we're consistent.

[The Orange Mage]

The proper move is always this:

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z13/TheOrangeMage/denied_encino_man.gif

[penguin]

The proper move is always this:

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z13/TheOrangeMage/denied_encino_man.gif

Oh brilliant. I love that movie.

[tonynyc]

I can imagine a BBW just staring at the offending FA and dropping him to the floor like the poor Goat...:happy:


http://www.gifsoup.com/imager.php?id=55365 (http://www.gifsoup.com/view/55365/stare-at-goats.html) GIFSoup (http://www.gifsoup.com/)

[LordQuas]

Being black and "intimidating" (my gf's words) and usually being one of the few black people around where ever we go keeps this sort of thing to a minimum. Every now and then I catch a guy leering, I usually just act like I don't notice him and give my gf a big hug and kiss. As long as he's just looking then I'm flattered, I'm only going to say something if she tells me she feels uncomfortable and it hasn't happened yet. In my younger days I would be almost certain to blow the guy's spot and directly ask him what the ____ he is looking at.

[Blackjack]

I was just asking. Cos' you know, we all have eyes and all react. If your partner, owner of said tits, felt uncomfy, why didn't she tell him to simply piss off, or pull his head in.
Instead of acting all uncomfy & making you save the day & compounding the issue. I don't get that damsel in distress shit at all. If she's got H cup tits, people gonna be looking no matter what, she better toughen up, it's a crazy world.

She might not have done it because some folks are even less comfortable directly confronting this kind of thing than they are being looked at. It's not so much a "damsel in distress" thing as it is a "I don't feel comfortable doing this, can you help?" kind of thing.

Not that what I'm saying has a good chance of registering with you anyways, since you apparently can't concieve of anyone doing something that you wouldn't do- or not doing something that you would. Your comments had me thinking you were a sleazy, creepy dude.

[frankman]

Maybe just sit next to your girl and stare back at him like we was something truly interesting. Perhaps point out some details about him and whisper. That'd be funny.

This thread is awesome by the way. So many could have should haves AND violent options, while the next time it happens it's probably going to be uncomfortable all over again. Good stuff.

[Anm4521]

I wish someone was perving on my girl.. cause then that would mean I'd have a girl..lol

[KHayes666]

I'm far more evil than a lot of you, what I REALLY want to do to pervs can't be said in public.

In fact I've told a few fatty collectors that try to add Renee some very VERY hurtful, evil and malicious things that no human should ever say really.

I will say standing up for her and telling (or shoving) a guy to fuck off is the best way to win her confidence and to get pervs off your back though.

[LillyBBBW]

I'm more inclined to confront a guy who leers when I'm with another guy. When I'm by myself I tend to ignore it or just give a dirty look without saying anything. This may be a skewered view but when I'm with someone and this happens, I feel like the other guy is being disrespectful not to me but to the guy I'm with. Protective instinct I guess. I would be more apt to -- from out of nowhere -- twist my face into a scowl, lean toward the guy and angrily hiss, "EXCUSE me...." before the guy I'm with knows anything is going on. Ghetto, I know. :rolleyes: Make the manager throw him out or move him to a shitty table.

[LifeTraveller]

I'm very protective of my loved ones, so I'm not beyond confronting someone when they were "leering" or "making fun" of my wife, and or her weight. While she was in the 500-600 pound range she was a beautiful woman, but there are always those who can't seem to resist the urge to make a**es out of themselves, and I for one had no problem turning around and taking issue with them.

As a rule they would shut up, sometimes if there were more than two they'd want to press the issue at which I'd smile. . thinking of how easily I would take them apart should they decide to be so foolish. . :) Thankfully I never had to do that. . but my wife always knew I'd protect her as well as I could no matter what. :)

[bonified]

She might not have done it because some folks are even less comfortable directly confronting this kind of thing than they are being looked at. It's not so much a "damsel in distress" thing as it is a "I don't feel comfortable doing this, can you help?" kind of thing.

Thats what I mean, if you have huge boobs or a massive arse, are super fat, anything other than average, then you are going to be looked at a lot and often. I believe your comfort vs those you sincerely care abouts comfort, needs to be adressed. If you have the issue, then you had better toughen up and deal with it. It's your shit, no one elses - no?


Not that what I'm saying has a good chance of registering with you anyways, since you apparently can't concieve of anyone doing something that you wouldn't do- or not doing something that you would. Your comments had me thinking you were a sleazy, creepy dude.

I don't know nor care really for assumptions or presumptions. They are often incorrect, it's best as i've found to try not to judge the person, but much can be learnt with how people deal with any given situation.

This is a message board, we are from all over the world. The net has shown me that I from a place where we aren't as pc and pussified as others. Funny how that makes you think I am a man, life would have been easier with a penis, sure.

However, in response I can & do easily conceive that heaps of people can and don't do either what they should, or what I wont or should perhaps be doing too.
We are all human, but wtf, I live in reality and fully accept most situations from a point of independant responsibility with a hearty dash of understanding of human nature.
I personally have little tolerance for the manipulative, whingers that perpetuate their own shitty situations, emotionally selfish or over sensitive attention seeking people.

They can & usually do take the fun out of every given situation.

The height of selfishness imo is when your own shit you easily can deal with as an adult affects others (cos you chose not to deal with it) then distresses people you so call care for. Funny way to show you care, stressing out yr partner etc.
In this e-scenario, it's not like the boobs grew overnight & she wasn't familiar with this potential scenario eventuating.

[natepogue]

Theres a few ways most guys handle someone mirin their girl. The most common is to get angry and possessive and look for a fight. Another approach is letting the person know that you noticed and think they're stupid for making it so obvious (what the OP did essentially)












But the truly badass approach is to kiss your girl, slap her on the booty, look right at the dude mirin and say one of three lines;
1) You Jelly?
2) You Mad?
3) Come at me bro




Imagine that.

[EvilPrincess]

Hi There!

If your post in this thread is missing it has been moderated. I would like to remind everyone that this is the FA/FFA forum the guidelines are here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1140167&postcount=1). This is a protected board. If your post was off topic, baiting, rude, or a non-fa teaching or telling the FA/FFA what they should or should not do/feel/act on/.. it is now gone.

Please keep it on topic.

Regards.

[LillyBBBW]

Hi There!

If your post in this thread is missing it has been moderated. I would like to remind everyone that this is the FA/FFA forum the guidelines are here (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1140167&postcount=1). This is a protected board. If your post was off topic, baiting, rude, or a non-fa teaching or telling the FA/FFA what they should or should not do/feel/act on/.. it is now gone.

Please keep it on topic.

Regards.

I just wanna say ONE thing. If it's inappropriate you can take it away I guess. I think the OP did the right thing. If some chick were to plop into my guy's lap while I was away to the ladies room I would be pissed. I'm the type who is more inclined to stand up for myself but not everyone is like that. I know it's not the polite answer to give here but I have to admit that I'm so used to having to punch and draw for myself that it is sometimes refreshing to have someone else spontaneously do it on my behalf. It feels nice but nothing ruins an evening faster than watching my date being dragged away in handcuffs, or worse if it's me. I'm good for standing up for myself but only to a point. If the other person won't back down my plan B is to call the manager/security over and tell them that SuperMario is in here looking to start something up with me and my date. I only wish my dates thought the same way. It becomes an honor issue but to me it's just a waste of what would have otherwise been a nice time together.

[tonynyc]

Being black and "intimidating" (my gf's words) and usually being one of the few black people around where ever we go keeps this sort of thing to a minimum. Every now and then I catch a guy leering, I usually just act like I don't notice him and give my gf a big hug and kiss. As long as he's just looking then I'm flattered, I'm only going to say something if she tells me she feels uncomfortable and it hasn't happened yet. In my younger days I would be almost certain to blow the guy's spot and directly ask him what the ____ he is looking at.


Just a nice simple gesture speaks volumes

[kioewen]

For some perspective:

http://www.thestar.com/article/852123--author-confirms-oggling-beautiful-women-a-natural-reflex-for-men

The salient point:

For genetically preprogrammed men, the offence is as involuntary and natural as breathing, says brain researcher, neuropsychiatrist and author Louann Brizendine...

“It's a reflex that's built into the brain circuits,” she said in an interview. “At its core biological basis, it's unfair to criticize men for that initial unconscious circuitry.”

In light of this, male ogling must henceforth be considered genetic destiny rather than anti-social creepiness.

Something to consider in the next such circumstance.

[LillyBBBW]

For some perspective:

http://www.thestar.com/article/852123--author-confirms-oggling-beautiful-women-a-natural-reflex-for-men

The salient point:



Something to consider in the next such circumstance.

Sounds like a Twinkie defense to me. I mean there's 'he's looking at me' and then there's 'omg help me richard.' People look at other people all the time. I think most women and men know when someone is clearly crossing the line.

[AmazingAmy]

Humans can override their natural reflexes though. I once listened to a male friend argue the case that men should not be reprimanded for cheating because it was in their genetic code to spread their seed. But humans aren't like other animals - we are self-aware and have a much more complicated social/relationship structure than a bunch of monkies screwing around the jungle. In my opinion, the only way 'nature' can be used as a defense is if the person is mentally impared or, somehow, very primitive/socially challenged.

Civilised humans don't get to disrespect each other just because a deeply buried reflex wants us to.

[NancyGirl74]

Thats what I mean, if you have huge boobs or a massive arse, are super fat, anything other than average, then you are going to be looked at a lot and often. I believe your comfort vs those you sincerely care abouts comfort, needs to be adressed. If you have the issue, then you had better toughen up and deal with it. It's your shit, no one elses - no?

So because someone is fat which is considered outside of our societal norms they should get used to being stared at? And the same goes for people who are wheelchair bound, missing a limb, have hair loss, or are cross eyed??? All those things are outside of societies norms. Seems kind of cold and lacking in compassion to me. My mother taught me not to stare when I was little because it was rude and hurtful. I'm pretty sure most people learned that "rule" as they were growing up. It's a valid one because honestly there is no such thing as "normal" in society. Someone can always find something weird or unusual about someone else and then use it in order to make that someone feel uncomfortable about themselves.

Yes, people who look very different from what we are used to might garner an extra long look or glance. You might even find yourself staring. We all do it. The difference comes when you CHOOSE to continue to stare once you realize you've made the other person uncomfortable. That's exactly what the man did to the OP's girlfriend. He was rude and hurtful purposefully. That is not justifiable. Not even with the "well, you're outside of the norm so get used to it" argument.

Personally, I don't know how to solve those types of situations. What I do is try to not let them eat at my self esteem...which is hard. Sometimes I ignore it but that rarely helps. Sometimes I stare back and that usually does the trick. When I'm feeling rather feisty I will mock them in return. A friend of my will call people out to their face right then and there. I admire her for that level of toughness.

Either way, I do agree with the point that it is for the stare-ee to stand up to the starer. Friends, family, boyfriends defending your honor is wonderful but doing it for yourself gives you back that sense of self worth the other person is attempting to take away.

[Blackjack]

Humans can override their natural reflexes though. I once listened to a male friend argue the case that men should not be reprimanded for cheating because it was in their genetic code to spread their seed. But humans aren't like other animals - we are self-aware and have a much more complicated social/relationship structure than a bunch of monkies screwing around the jungle. In my opinion, the only way 'nature' can be used as a defense is if the person is mentally impared or, somehow, very primitive/socially challenged.

Civilised humans don't get to disrespect each other just because a deeply buried reflex wants us to.

Y'know, if he read the same article I did (it was a few years ago that I read it, I admit), I recall something about some animals also having a tendency to cheat, and their mates occasionally putting them "in the doghouse", for lack of a better term.

[TraciJo67]

For some perspective:

http://www.thestar.com/article/852123--author-confirms-oggling-beautiful-women-a-natural-reflex-for-men

The salient point:



Something to consider in the next such circumstance.

This is very insulting and diminishing to men, assuming that they are not in control of their baser instincts. It is also untrue. There is a major difference between discreetly appreciating someone's beauty and flat-out ogling. We all know the difference. I think that men (and women) who are caught ogling are very well aware of what they are doing and they choose behave overtly.

[frankman]

This is very insulting and diminishing to men, assuming that they are not in control of their baser instincts. It is also untrue. There is a major difference between discreetly appreciating someone's beauty and flat-out ogling. We all know the difference. I think that men (and women) who are caught ogling are very well aware of what they are doing and they choose behave overtly.

Well, it fits this thread then, since for some reason the premise here is that the women in question cannot fend for themselves.

[Fat Brian]

the premise here is that the women in question cannot fend for themselves.

When two people are together for a long time you know how your partner reacts to things and how they probably feel about things. My wife is an old school girl, she is all about having her door held and all the trappings of old school chivalrous behavior. Crystal would have never said or done anything to the guy, it was my responsibility to make the situation more comfortable for her. She isn't upset about me taking action, she just didn't feel confident enough in her attractiveness that she would cause such a reaction from a stranger and wasn't certain that she interpreted the situation correctly.