Advice re. odd friends behaviour.

[lozonloz]

My friend confuses me.

I've known the guy 7 years on a totally platonic level and there has always been playfighting and teasing and hugging and stuff. We have always done this, and I havent read anything into it. He, and for that matter I, behave in much the same way with the other people we know.

But any girl, any girl in the world, who is routinely pinned to a bed and tickled into submission whilst having raspberries blown on her belly and repeated bum pinchings, is going to find it hard to keep things in a platonic light. And THAT is new. And if I'm visiting then thats happening 4 or 5 times a day. And when that isnt happening he's watching TV lying on the bed next to me and getting all cuddly.

Then he will sit up and sing a song along the lines of "Hey everybody have you seen my Loz she's big and wobbly and round!" to the tune of chocolate salty balls from South Park. If any reference is made to me as a sexual being he then makes icked out noises and pulls a face, or shudders.

What the Hell?

It could be just that he likes teasing me and now the teasing has gone to weird new levels, but... I... am... confused.

I am not his physical type. He likes a wide variety of girls, but none over slightly overweight. He is not into the big gals. And he's known me so long that I just thought that attraction was a non issue, but its driving me mad as I start to see him in a new light because having a man on top of me breathing heavily into my face has that effect on me, strangely.

Plus, y'know, I adore him and would walk through fire for him.

In a literal sense. If there was fire needed walking through I would be THERE.

I know he loves me too, but not in a sexual way, more in a sistery friendy way...although his actions, as stated, confuse me.

I don't know wether to bring it up so as to clear the air and know whats going on, or to leave it because I'm being daft for reading anything into it at all. Plus, if I bring it up and there is nothing there, it might really muck up our friendship which I cannot have happening.

Advice please? Am I being paranoid or is it blatantly obvious that he does have something going on for me there?

Although if he does I have no idea what to do about it...

[penguin]

Next time he's got you pinned down, you could try kissing him to see what happens. If he pulls away, laugh and say you thought that would help you win. If he kisses you back...then keep going!

[mossystate]

Eeeeeee.

This is a tough one, because if you ask him about it, he might say he is just kidding around, even though the actions make you uncomfortable ( uncomfortable in that you don't know what the hell is going on ) and go beyond simple kidding. Then you are going to feel awkward, like you don't know what you know.

He might shut down and be overly ' careful ' when it comes to something as everyday as a hug. He sounds a bit immature to me. If he liked you in more than just a platonic way, why go about it like a 12 year old boy. If he is confused, then any confronting by you will have him run/laugh it off, and you get to feel like a dope for asking, and your opinion of him might change, and doesn't seem you want that to happen.

Maybe, next time, just scoot out from under him...laugh and say something like, " ooops, I save that for the boys who fancy me ' that way ', you silly ________ ( insert pet name here ) ". Has to come a time when an adult starts acting like one in situations like this. Not letting him have control over this situation...a good thing. He is still going to be the person you love, just one that will know that unless he is going to make a move, some of the touching is best left in the past.

How you feel is most important. If you think he will be honest with you, and you feel you can be honest with him...then maybe you can ask him outright. Just be prepared to be more confused than ever. I have ' known ' situations similar, and they can ultimately drive a person nuts.

[CastingPearls]

Been there, done that, bought the Prozac.

One guy who did that to me ended up being gay. I mean, he was always gay but I guess he hadn't figured it out at the time. He liked my bod like I like giant teddy bears; nothing sexual just warm and cuddly. I'm also bouncy and giggly so maybe a squeaky toy too.

Another guy was dating my best friend (also a BBW) and pulled that crap whenever she wasn't around. Evidently he wanted a little sumthin sumthin so I nipped that in the bud.

Billy LIKED me. I was too oblivious to think he could even when he shoved his tongue down my throat. We figured it out and had some fun. ;)

So, it could honestly be something but it could mean nothing. Good luck.

[bonified]

time to bring out the stoli, in vino veritas & all that...

[Bananaspills]

What a confusing situation! I like Penguin's solution...

[NancyGirl74]

Why not ask him straight out? Ok, keep it light and jokey because that's your way but maybe say something like, "Hey, not to go all weird on ya but I feel like you've gone a little weird on me lately. What's with the extra cuddles and the booty pinches? Are you falling in love with me (I know I'm hard to resist and all) or are you just looking for new ways to defeat my awesomeness?" If he looks at you, laughs, and calls you a dork then I think friendship is where he's at. If he looks at you with big puppy eyes and says that your awesomeness IS irresistible then the friendship line has been crossed.

[Jes]

My guess is that friendship is NOT where he's at (in terms of his desires) but that he's never gonna step up and be honest. Which leaves you in the same boat. So perhaps you have to change the boat and not lie down next to him. Sit on a chair. If he asks you to lie down, tell him you save that for guys you're romantically involved with. But be friendly, since he's your friend. Just don't be lovey dovey, b/c he's not your love.

I could be wrong, so it's not a bad idea to ask him, but my gut tells me that asking him (and the aftermath) will leave you just as confused as you are now. I hope I'm wrong!

[Ruffie]

Yeah I agree with Jes. I was in that situation many years ago with someone who would do the flirty gestures physical wrestling, hugging and sitting with his arm around me and so on. He would also talk to me about how beautiful and sexy he found me and how he would react if he was my partner in romance and sexual situations. This was a situation that build up over a couple of years and so finally I got the the courage to confront him on it and got the line. "There is no better woman to love for me in the this whole wide world, your amazing, beautiful and wonderful but I don't feel that way about you. You are my friend and a wonderful one but I don't have romantic feelings for you." If I had the chance to go back and react differently I would have asked him if he was lying to me then or lying to me now cause I know that perhaps he felt it but was not willing to step up and be with a BBW fully at that time, or worried the friendship would be impacted(which it was anyway) either way it was as Jes said a confusing time no matter which way it would have gone. We are still friends to this day, but the closeness we once had is not there.
If I were you I would do what others have suggested and keep your distance and let him pursue further or bring up the subject with you. Let him grow up and claim what he wants or pursue it with someone else so that you are not the one left feeling like less than because he is giving you mixed messages. You are worth more than that!!!

[TraciJo67]

Been there, done that, bought the Prozac.

One guy who did that to me ended up being gay. I mean, he was always gay but I guess he hadn't figured it out at the time. He liked my bod like I like giant teddy bears; nothing sexual just warm and cuddly. I'm also bouncy and giggly so maybe a squeaky toy too.

Another guy was dating my best friend (also a BBW) and pulled that crap whenever she wasn't around. Evidently he wanted a little sumthin sumthin so I nipped that in the bud.

Billy LIKED me. I was too oblivious to think he could even when he shoved his tongue down my throat. We figured it out and had some fun. ;)

So, it could honestly be something but it could mean nothing. Good luck.

I have that T-shirt too, CP. My guy acted exactly the same was as described by OP, only doubly so when we were together in his room (in front of his roommate). I was young and dumb and confused; couldn't figure out why he'd want to paw all over me but never take it to the next level. In retrospect, he was so clearly (CLEARLY!!! CLEARLY!!!) gay. I was just too inexperienced to understand that I was nothing more than a dear friend he loved, wasn't squicked out by but had NO sexual desire for, and was, in fact, his beard.

Years later he admitted it, but by then I'd already figured it out.

Don't know if that is your friends' issue, OP. Just an FYI, my 'boyfriend' also proclaimed (loudly! often!) how into girls he was, and I know that he dated other women.

[lozonloz]

He might shut down and be overly ' careful ' when it comes to something as everyday as a hug. He sounds a bit immature to me. If he liked you in more than just a platonic way, why go about it like a 12 year old boy. If he is confused, then any confronting by you will have him run/laugh it off, and you get to feel like a dope for asking, and your opinion of him might change, and doesn't seem you want that to happen.


This resonates alot with the kind of guy he is, although his immiturity is part of the reason I like him- he's very uncomplicated most of the time. You're right though, I am mainly worried that the bringing it up will change things, and that's not something I want.


One guy who did that to me ended up being gay. I mean, he was always gay but I guess he hadn't figured it out at the time. He liked my bod like I like giant teddy bears; nothing sexual just warm and cuddly. I'm also bouncy and giggly so maybe a squeaky toy too.


Pretty sure he isnt gay, but the teddy bear thing might be true. I AM irresitably cuddly...

Why not ask him straight out? Ok, keep it light and jokey because that's your way but maybe say something like, "Hey, not to go all weird on ya but I feel like you've gone a little weird on me lately. What's with the extra cuddles and the booty pinches? Are you falling in love with me (I know I'm hard to resist and all) or are you just looking for new ways to defeat my awesomeness?"

I am doing this. I don't know if it will work, but I love the last bit. :)

Thanks for everyone's opinions so far! They've been great.

I'm still not sure I want to bring it up directly because I do have this worry it will make things more weird than less, but I might push at his boundaries a bit and see what happens...

Havent done it before because usually I hate deliberately pushing buttons, but maybe I need to do some pushing to figure out where I am...

[Jes]

Havent done it before because usually I hate deliberately pushing buttons, but maybe I need to do some pushing to figure out where I am...

I don't think he's going to clarify anything (if he wanted to, he would've already) so if you want not to be confused, it's gonna be on you to ask the questions. And don't think of asking questions of a friend as 'button pushing.' You're just trying to get onto the same page. But as I suggested, even with a question, he might waffle and then go back to his 'let's lie down' behavior. So be prepared to ask and not get any usable info.

[NancyGirl74]

I am doing this. I don't know if it will work, but I love the last bit. :)

Thanks for everyone's opinions so far! They've been great.

I'm still not sure I want to bring it up directly because I do have this worry it will make things more weird than less, but I might push at his boundaries a bit and see what happens...

Havent done it before because usually I hate deliberately pushing buttons, but maybe I need to do some pushing to figure out where I am...

I don't think you need to push the moment or create a moment. Just do it when it feels right. If it never comes up then it's not meant to be. If it does...I hope it goes well and things are cleared up for you. Chances are that you'll walk away still scratching your head but you might know a little better where you stand. Best of luck! :)

[olwen]

My guess is that friendship is NOT where he's at (in terms of his desires) but that he's never gonna step up and be honest. Which leaves you in the same boat. So perhaps you have to change the boat and not lie down next to him. Sit on a chair. If he asks you to lie down, tell him you save that for guys you're romantically involved with. But be friendly, since he's your friend. Just don't be lovey dovey, b/c he's not your love.

I could be wrong, so it's not a bad idea to ask him, but my gut tells me that asking him (and the aftermath) will leave you just as confused as you are now. I hope I'm wrong!

I agree with Jes. I've been in the same situation and I asked him outright and he denied it, even after getting drunk a week or so before and trying to convince some random bar patron that curvy girls were where it's at. :rolleyes: That I was confused after is a total understatement. I didn't go about it the way Jes suggests tho, which btw, sounds better than what I did. I just asked him outright, which put him on the spot, which is something people don't seem to like. Live and learn I guess. I stopped talking to him for a few months after that, but I missed hanging out with him so I decided to just put it behind me and resume our friendship, but I made sure he understood where the boundaries had to be. If we were going to be friends, then the flirting, googly eyes, sex talk, and hugging, and spending all our time together (and basically leading me on) had to stop if he truly wasn't interested. So he did and our friendship was okay after that.

[Tania]

And don't think of asking questions of a friend as 'button pushing.'

Absolutely agreed.

If anything, the sidelong gropes and evasion are better candidates for button-pushing. I don't know your friend so I could be wrong, but whenever I've seen shit like this go down there's a passive-aggressive, challenging element to the situation. I doubt he means real harm, but sometimes people who care - or think they care - do weird things for weird reasons (boredom, control, a desire to settle some sort of question, whatever). Some folks will try to wind a person up just to see if and how they'll react.

A frank, caring discussion will never kill a good relationship. You don't have to make it a huge downer, but you should bring it up the next time he goes for an inappropriate body zone. You have to set clear limits and make sure he respects them. If he doesn't, or if he tries to make out like you're uptight or crazy for calling him out, then he's not worth the investment you've made. Friendship is about quid pro quo - mutual transparency, mutual respect, and contribution parity - and that's not happening if he feels it's okay for him to pinch your ass and cuddle on you whenever he wants but NOT okay for you to ask questions about it or stand up for your needs.

:*

[JustmeinGA]

My friend confuses me.



Although if he does I have no idea what to do about it...


My suggestion might be a we bit silly but, have you thought about just asking him??? If he's that good of a friend, surely you can talk to the guy.