FAs who are quick to insist that they are NOT feeders

[Cors]

This thread is primarily directed at fat people and FAs who are not interested in feedism.

What comes to your mind when the person you are just getting to know and seems promising enough starts asserting that that s/he does not have feeder tendencies at all? Of course, this depends on so many other things but do you have an instinctive reaction? Would you be reassured or put on your guard?

I get told that many FAs, more often than not, harbour secret feeder tendencies (even if they don't recognise or accept it as such) and hide it because it scares women away, and that the ones who are the most defensive and indignant about not being feeders turn out to be the most sneaky and dangerous. Horror stories aside, have you encountered many FAs like that?

On the other hand, I have also heard FAs complaining that they are often treated with hostility and suspicion and immediately get pegged as predatory creepy closet feeder types the minute they disclose their preference for bigger partners, especially within the SA/FA community and that there often isn't much they can do about it. How do you get around this?

[PunkyGurly74]

This thread is primarily directed at fat people and FAs who are not interested in feedism.

What comes to your mind when the person you are just getting to know and seems promising enough starts asserting that that s/he does not have feeder tendencies at all? Of course, this depends on so many other things but do you have an instinctive reaction? Would you be reassured or put on your guard?

I get told that many FAs, more often than not, harbour secret feeder tendencies (even if they don't recognise or accept it as such) and hide it because it scares women away, and that the ones who are the most defensive and indignant about not being feeders turn out to be the most sneaky and dangerous. Horror stories aside, have you encountered many FAs like that?

On the other hand, I have also heard FAs complaining that they are often treated with hostility and suspicion and immediately get pegged as predatory creepy closet feeder types the minute they disclose their preference for bigger partners, especially within the SA/FA community and that there often isn't much they can do about it. How do you get around this?

Honestly, I sort of now dread talking to someone who labels themselves an FA because I am waiting for what now seems like the inevitable "what do you think of feeders" or the outright "will you gain weight". And they so cannot help themselves that this question will arise before they even get to know you. It is impulsive and they cannot help themselves. I personally am not interested and yes, I even had discussions with one guy who lied about his preference to the point of calling feeders control freaks...etc. He was very adamant...but, the reality was...he was like.."Now if you weighed 450 lbs you would be sexier" HUH??? So, basically the premise is this with feeders that I have met who do not take no for answer: you, as you are will never been good enough, sexy enough or the right weight. You as a person don't really matter,because, the fetish is all so over-riding that you are just a means with no real value.

My conversations with feeders are never long and I have discovered I don't ever get the sense/feel as if they are looking for a real connection..just someone to get their fix on with. Someone offered me money to gain....I was repulsed and angry at the same time.

Honestly, and I have state before in other threads,I have had the hardest time meeting an honest FA that they seem like unicorns. (But as Conrad reminded me they do exist). And the ones who I have met have only really made me feel worse about my body. All the feeders - well, you would be attractive only if you gained weight. Or guys who like big girls tell me my shape is unattractive. And I get preference, but, trying to meet/find someone in the SA community has been worse/harder/unfruitful as opposed to those men who are unaware of the SA community. I wish I had better experiences to share.

However, I do not believe all FA's are feeders and wait for the other shoe to drop. I do really try to take each person case by case.

[Blackjack]

How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.

[nikola090]

my point of view, being FA doesn't mean being a feeder. You can be a fat admirers and loving curves, but feederism is an higher step that could be real only when the feeling with a partner is strong.

[SuzyQutsy]

I was very very choosey when selecting a mate, Why not you actually have to live with the guy, right? Anyway one of the most important things for me in a mate was that he have a healthy attitude about weight and exercise. Meaning that he liked to eat generally healthy, no yo yo dieting or to much junk food. I enjoy the occaisional feast like everyone else because that's what special occaision are for, eating, drinking and enjoying yourself with loved ones. It's no sin to watch and enjoy a loved one enjoying thier food, I love watching my hubby ( who is not a large man) really enjoying his meal. My husband is athletic and we did active activities together, when I was younger and could get around better. Weight gain weight loss, it's all about controlling what goes into your partners mouth, for me, the idea of my mate trying to control my intake and behavoir in either direction is unacceptable, because my whole life has been about being controlled like that and it was a struggle for me to achieve anything like balance. I wanted to maintain a healthy stable weight and keep my muscles and body as toned and healthy as my body type allowed. That means I'll never be thin, so the man I choose must find women who are not thin attractive. However I would find it just as unattractive in a man if he were to try to control my intake by making me fatter as I would if he were trying to force me to diet. My body is my body.

[CastingPearls]

I never heard the term 'FA' until I met my ex-husband who referred to himself as one. I always knew there were men who liked fat girls (and vice versa) but didn't know there was some kind of club or group where they all got together and discussed. Before I met him, I contributed to online forums that focused almost exclusively on size acceptance and living life as a fat person and even ran my own message board on Yahoo for fat women for a few years.

The guys I dated and had relationships with that either loved me for me and not necessarily was into fat chicks, as well as those that were into fat chicks, none as far as I could tell were feeders.

Ex-spouse on the other hand, I lived with for a couple of years before it began to dawn on me that he was a secret feeder. He never even spoke to me about it and to this day I have no idea how deep into feedism he is, but IMO he didn't do it for the eroticism but for the control. He actually told me that the bigger I got, the less opportunity I would have to leave him. In six years, I'd put on 350 lbs. When I was hospitalized with pneumonia and decided that to save my own life, I needed to lose weight, and was considering WLS, he became more and more hostile and controlling. By the time I lost that weight (I'm still a BBW with no desire to be thin) he had stopped all meaningful touch, eye-contact, and finally culminated with him physically assaulting me.

Do I think all FAs are feeders? No.

As a woman who prefers fat guys am I a feeder? No. I will cook for anyone and get emotional satisfaction when anyone enjoys what I serve, but it's not an erotic turn-on nor do I want anyone to gain for me. And after giving it some serious thought, have no interest in assisting a gainer.

Do I think all feeders are pathological sociopaths? No.

Do I think the only man who I was with who referred to himself as an FA and was indeed a feeder was an anomaly? I don't know. I'm not sure he's rare. I'm meeting too many women (and at least one man) with the same story.

Do I ever have a little voice of doubt or concern in the back of my mind when a guy tells me he's into fat chicks but makes a point to say he's not a feeder? I file it under, Proceed With Caution and observe and listen. It will take a lot for me to let my guard down now.

[CarlaSixx]

I think a lot of it is control. Not all of it is about that, but I feel a lot of it is due to feeling powerful. Everyone feels great when they feel powerful. So I understand it to a degree. I also understand the emotional attachment to it. A lot of what are supposed to be happy times include feasting, and feasts are happy and food-filled. So I get that food and seeing someone enjoying food can lead to happy feelings.

Heck, babies like to do it with pretend food, and lots of them won't grow up to be feeders. A LOT of them, however, will just grow up wanting to nurture people around them. Often, food is how we show we care.

But when it comes to FAs who deny being into feederism, it's definitely a "proceed with caution" kind of thing. Some really are not into that. Which is cool. It just sucks when they deny it and then turn around and say "if you gained some weight, you'd be sexier/better filled out/etc."

If someone is coming at me strictly to fulfill their feeder fetish, then I won't give them the time of day. But if as an FA who just happens to have that fetish, but won't make a big deal about it, that's cool. So long as within a relationship, my fetishes can be played out in a safe manner, too. So while food may personally not do anything for me, I may find myself with a feeder one day, and may eat for that person to please them, so long as the goal is not weight gain.

So if someone finds food erotic, that's okay. But if it's the gaining weight part from eating food that they find erotic, that, to me, is not okay.

It's definitely a case-by-case. But I do ask those who identify as FAs if they are feeders, and when they say they aren't... I still proceed with caution. But do not write them off until they show signs of wanting to watch me gain.

[SuzyQutsy]

For me personally I am turned off by feederism because it reminds me of having my food intake strictly monitered as a child because I was always on a diet. I remember once in my home a bunch of male relatives grilled me all night about a cheese slice which was missing from the fridge. I had not eaten it so I wasn't going to let them make me say I did, I remember they all kept it up until I was crying. It was two of my uncles and my father. When a man has a controlling attitude about food or weight gain it puts me into that frame of mind. I am for sure not feeling sexually receptive at those moments.

[BigCutieBonnie]

How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.

I like you even more now;)

[Lamia]

My boyfriend is a feeder, but I am not a feedee. We met online and I knew his preference, but he never talked about it. Our conversations were always about movies, books, and music. He never kept going back to the "so how much cake can you eat etc" He spoke to me as if I were a human being that he wanted to know. He wasn't and never has been obsessed with indulging his fantasies, but I do indulge them when in the bedroom. I will talk food and inflation until his eyes roll back in his head.

I can understand why some women are afraid of it, especially as Suzy has said it brings up those feelings of someone controlling her.

I had a similar experience where my dad had been hassling me about my weight all day and it ended with him forcing me to stand on a scale and then laughing at me. My brother had joined in at first with the taunting, but by the time I was on the scale bawling my brother was upset and left. It took me a long time to work out that crap with my dad and I am glad I did.

He really thought shaming me would somehow make me lose weight instead it had the opposite affect of me eating to spite him...eating more to upset him...it is really messed up how much mind shit goes along with being fat.

[Zandoz]

I do so hate labels and stereotypes. I choose to ignore labels, and get to know each by their individual words and actions...as I would hope others would do for me. For what ever it is a worth, I'm a big guy who loves all women, but especially larger women, and I am not a feeder...but to those that are, more power to ya.

[The Orange Mage]

How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.

This is somewhat similar to my stance, but I wanted to elaborate on my personal experiences.

(It's also good to differentiate between preference and fetish. Preference is what you like, fetish is what you do. I think. o_O?)

My earliest sexual memories (somewhere around age 9) involved dreams/fantasies about certain female classmates being VERY fat. I just assumed that this was a normal thing...I liked big girls, so of course I'd like bigger and bigger and bigger too, right?

Then I got some actual experience with girls and realized I was a freak for feeling this way and wanting those things. So yes, I was one of those guys for many years who identified as a non-feeder FA, with the caveat that I did harbor weight gain fantasies. This is mainly because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a feedist, and the fact that I was meant that I would have to accept that finding someone who could accept that, let alone ALSO be feedist, were slim to none.

Through a long relationship with a woman who loathed her body and my sexual tastes I learned to hide and be ashamed of both the feedist and chubby chaser parts of me.

Shortly after that, I got to share a short time with a fellow feedist, and it was the most liberating experience...I didn't have to hide. I could do exactly what my urges told me and they were wonderful for both of us. It was awesome and terrifying because it was just as wonderful as I thought it would be, but now I would settle for nothing less...and with how rare feedism is...

So I dated a handful of non-feedists since and yeah...it didn't work. More guilt, more shame, more having to hide my sexual self. Bleh.

So I'm out about it. I'm feedist. Any meaningful romantic relationship I have needs to be with a fellow feedist. I just need that similarity of mindset to be free and okay. So that's why when I see a cute chubby lady I don't really give any thought to it...because fellow feedists are a rarity.

I feel that being an FA and being a feeder is a very blurred line. If the prospect of weight gain excites you? Feedist. Feel disappointed when your significant other loses weight or attempts to? Feedist. If by some amazing chance you prefer a fat partner yet don't do anything much differently than if you were with a thinner person, then you're non-feedist. Those people do exist, but I think they're outnumbered by feedists...at least online.

[Fat Brian]

There is so much gray area and so little agreement on the terms its hard to pin down exactly what it means to be x,y,or z. That being said I don't consider myself a feeder, I don't have any fantasies of actually giving a woman large mounts of food for the express purpose of making her fat. I don't desire funnels or feeding machines or other apparatii. I am more of an enabler, I will take you to a restaurant and buy you whatever you want, as much as you want and watch with a smile as it goes down. For me its more about the breaking down of her barriers than the quantity of food consumed. Its about satisfying a desire, allowing her to follow me down the dark path willingly instead of fighting. This does lead to incredibly slow weight gain, so if you are results oriented this isn't the path for you.

[LillyBBBW]

For me it's a turn off. In the past I've had men say they're not into feedism and when I revealed that it was something I was into he either changed his tune and came out as being someone who really was into feedism or he pithered through the motions as if it would be something he would be willing to try to make me happy -- neither of which would be acceptable. Yes folks, people do lie - deliberately. That turns me right off no matter how much I was into him before. For me a red flag goes up as soon as he makes a point of saying out of the blue, "Oh don't worry honey, I'm not one of those feeders and stuff." In my limited experience, more often than not his claim turned out to be false. Not saying you should run from people who do this. Just be careful.

[The Orange Mage]

All the times I lied about it were a two-part lie. I was lying to her, and to myself. I thought I could do without that aspect of my sexuality. I felt that there were so few feedees out there that the best I could hope was to either hide it or be with a lady who tolerated it.

I implore those who feel the way I did to admit to yourselves what you are, what you want, and that it does make things harder romantically, but eventually you'll find you are much happier not having to be ashamed of it all. Surround yourself with like-minded, positive folk and you'll see it's not bad at all.

*steps down off his soap box*

[LinathSuru]

I guess because I'm very openly a feedee I don't run into many FAs who feel the need to add the 'but I'm not a feeder' disclaimer. Some of the FAs I know probably are just FAs, others definitely are feeders.

What I will say is I feel I've gotten very lucky. The feeder I'm with is one who has known me for eleven years. He waited for seven years for a chance to date me because I was a bit shallow/nervous. He has been dating me for four now and has been by my side in all of my attempts to lose weight when I hadn't accepted my body.

He didn't like me talking about losing weight, but that was because I obsessed about it and felt the need to share every tiny accomplishment and he loved my body as it was so sometimes we got into little arguments, but never anything huge, and at the end of the day he wants me to be happy with myself.

He also wants me to be healthy. I want to gain, and of course it's his fantasy, but he wants me to stay as active as I can and eat healthy foods to do it.

That's what I associate feederism with.

However, I joined fantasyfeeder before I joined Dims and I have had an endless barrage of 'are u gaining?', 'how much you eat in one sitting?', 'I'd love to stuff you', etc. comments on my pictures. I'm a feedee and I find that just ridiculous. I can't imagine how a non-feedee would feel about it.

Those kinds of people.. The ones who don't even bother to introduce themselves before telling me I need to gain or asking what my goal weight is (which, by the way, it's 'happy' ;) ), or who constantly drive the topic back to food or bellies or gaining... Ugh. I stop responding to them... And I'm a very patient person.

What really weirds me out, even as a feedee, is when another lady feedee puts a huge emphasis on my gain and asking about how much I'm eating, how my progress is going, etc. I don't know why that's weirder to me than when a male asks, but it is.

Anyways, my two cents. Sorry if it's a bit long. :p

[penguin]

I'm not into the feeding thing, so having someone tell me they're not either is good for me. As it's not an interest I have (or understand well, if truth be told), then I wouldn't want someone to feel they should have to hide it or have it go unfulfilled. I have plenty of my own kinks, so finding someone who's compatible is important.

[aussiefa63]

Just to throw my thoughts in this.

What if? You are an FA, but you'd like your partner to be bigger than they are? I don't see that as definately being a feeder at all, especially if you aren't actually feeding your partner deliberately to have them gain more weight, but your preference is simply a bigger partner.

What if? Again you're an FA & your partner might already weigh 400-500lbs & has a love for food & is gaining weight & the FA isn't doing anything about the partner gaining. Does that make them a feeder? Or is it simply a happy couple enjoying their life together & the FA's preference is for very big people?

Like someone said it's a very grey area. It's a bit rough to label all FA's as feeders & even a bit rough to label all feeders as being somehow predators as well.

I myself wouldn't care how big my partner got as long as she was happy & relatively healthy, yes if she was 300lbs, I'd like her to be bigger, but I wouldn't make her get bigger against her will, I just like the bigger form, more curves, more to cuddle :).

So, if I just sat back & my partner kept gaining & got to say 500lbs, does that make me a feeder? Some would say yes, some would say no.

It's a hard call. Too many variables.

But, I do think some feeders are just plain nasty, self centred & have not real thought for thier partner as as soon as something isn't going thier way they up & leave. :mad:

[Blackjack]

But, I do think some feeders are just plain nasty, self centred & have not real thought for thier partner as as soon as something isn't going thier way they up & leave. :mad:

How is this different from other people who are nasty and self-centered and aren't feeders?

It's pretty much exactly the same thing, plus a fetish.

[mediaboy]

I would be suspicious.

That sort of thing seems like a third or fourth date type of discussion.

Personally, I think some one bringing that up immediately is tantamount to some one declaring, "I DON'T LIKE ANAL!" before the vagina is even on the table.

Let this be a lesson to all your socially inept perverts on either side of the fork; keep your kinks on the down-low until your third date, or her third drink; which ever comes first.

FULL DISCLOSURE MODE ON:

I've masturbated to A LOT of feeding/gaining porn.

Would I ever be in a feeder/feedee relationship? Nope.

[PeanutButterfly]

I think there are certain levels to being a feeder. I like weight gain but I wouldn't consider myself a feeder. I like fat guys. I like seeing fat guys get fatter but only to a certain point. As I just posted in another thread my limit would be somewhere in the mid 300s. I don't think I would enjoy encouraging a man past that, although I really wouldn't know as I've never been with someone that big. But I still wouldn't consider myself a feeder. If a guy is already fat when I met him then I'm attracted. If a guy happens to gain weight while I'm with him, added bonus for me. I guess I wouldn't consider myself a feeder because I don't *need* it to be sexually satisfied. Weight gain is just making what I find sexy even sexier.

On another note, I really think a lot of weight gain fantasies can be played out with the right partner without anyone having to actually gain. Like Lamia does with her boyfriend and like I do with mine. I don't know how well it would work for hardcore feeders but for FAs with a little weight gain kink it works pretty well.

[Dolce]

For me, the thought of gaining weight for a partner has to do with my deep seeded need to be loved, cared for, and safe. Growing up I did not have any of these needs met and instead lived in constant terror. Aaaaaand that's how a fetish starts... It wasn't until I was "born again" that I learned that I could be vulnerable, that I could be myself, and show my soft underbelly without the fear of being stomped on.

The idea of being with a guy who REALLY, like, in REALITY wants me to gain weight causes me intense anxiety. But I would love to be with a mature man, that I love and respect, who has the same fantasies (he can be a feedee, too) or is willing to work it out with me. Sadly, I have never met a feeder that was not a creep or a liar. So I won't hold my breathe waiting for this magic man to appear.

[Dolce]

For me, the thought of gaining weight for a partner has to do with my deep seeded need to be loved, cared for, and safe. Growing up I did not have any of these needs met and instead lived in constant terror. Aaaaaand that's how a fetish starts... It wasn't until I was "born again" that I learned that I could be vulnerable, that I could be myself, and show my soft underbelly without the fear of being stomped on.

The idea of being with a guy who REALLY, like, in REALITY wants me to gain weight causes me intense anxiety. But I would love to be with a mature man, that I love and respect, who has the same fantasies (he can be a feedee, too) or is willing to work it out with me. Sadly, I have never met a feeder that was not a creep or a liar. So I won't hold my breathe waiting for this magic man to appear.

jeez... Well, that didn't sound negative at all, now did it? Haha, I apologize.. I'm just a little jaded these days :)

[Lovelyone]

For me it's a turn off. In the past I've had men say they're not into feedism and when I revealed that it was something I was into he either changed his tune and came out as being someone who really was into feedism or he pithered through the motions as if it would be something he would be willing to try to make me happy -- neither of which would be acceptable. Yes folks, people do lie - deliberately. That turns me right off no matter how much I was into him before. For me a red flag goes up as soon as he makes a point of saying out of the blue, "Oh don't worry honey, I'm not one of those feeders and stuff." In my limited experience, more often than not his claim turned out to be false. Not saying you should run from people who do this. Just be careful.

THIS!! Exactly THIS!

[LillyBBBW]

How is this different from other people who are nasty and self-centered and aren't feeders?

It's pretty much exactly the same thing, plus a fetish.

It made a difference for me in my humble beginnings because feedism was a trigger issue for me. It still is somewhat but I'm much more in control of myself and apt to speak up for myself. In the beginning though I was extremely vulnerable, confused and fearful there and I didn't want someone tapping on my buttons just for the hell of it. I know not everybody is like that but I'm sorry to say that for the most part, those are the prominent types of experiences I had with feeders. If I showed even a hint of interest in it he would become very aggressive and I did not like someone clumsily seizing that much power from me. God forbid he should ever know it or he would be a pain in the ass on Yahoo every day. I would rather have lied or been with someone who hadn't the foggiest idea what feedism was, at least back then anyway. I was still either in the denial stage or trying to figure myself out. It might also be a larger than life issue for someone who suffers from an eating disorder or was shamed about eating growing up, etc. It's not worse than any other thing but being nasty and self centered about cars, German art songs or some other crap that I didn't care about was much easier to view objectively.

[Elfcat]

My take on it is that almost everyone, including most of those who favor thin partners, has a warm feeling seeing someone special partaking of food they enjoy. But are you so turned on by this that you want to see a partner eating all the time? Some are, it just doesn't happen to be that singular a turn on for myself. I try to get around assumptions people have by talking as clearly about my own particulars as I can.

[RoseyGirl2010]

I never knew about feeders or feedees or even fat admirers until I typed in feeders in a search engine and found this site last week. I searched feeders because i've been talking to this guy on Yahoo for about a month now and he told me about it and he said he wasn't one and he found it wrong and so on.

But lately all our conversations seem to be about food and how much I can eat. He wants me to tell him about the times i've been the most full or how much I use to eat as a child. What my favourite foods and junk foods are. The more I tell him about it the sexier he tells me I am. If he wasn't a feeder why would he ask so much food related questions? Especially questions about being the most stuffed.

At first I was intrigued when we first started talking but now its so boring. I'd hate to be in a relationship with a feeder who only wanted to talk about food, how it made me feel and how stuffed I would get. I don't know if he's a closeted feeder or if he knows that being one creeps some women out. Especially the women that are already on the heavier part of the scale like me being 460lbs.

[cygnus]

I think there are certain levels to being a feeder. I like weight gain but I wouldn't consider myself a feeder. I like fat guys. I like seeing fat guys get fatter but only to a certain point. As I just posted in another thread my limit would be somewhere in the mid 300s. I don't think I would enjoy encouraging a man past that, although I really wouldn't know as I've never been with someone that big. But I still wouldn't consider myself a feeder. If a guy is already fat when I met him then I'm attracted. If a guy happens to gain weight while I'm with him, added bonus for me. I guess I wouldn't consider myself a feeder because I don't *need* it to be sexually satisfied. Weight gain is just making what I find sexy even sexier.


I would put myself in the same category, genders reversed. I have a theory that feederism may be the result of a culture that insists people have to be thin to be "in". For example, I think it is a lot more culturally acceptable to marry someone who is thin, or only slightly heavy, only to see them gain a lot of weight after they are married, than to marry someone who is already very heavy. So then the fantasy becomes marrying someone who is a little chubby, who then happily gives up on dieting to feast on all the fattening foods that they have always craved, and steadily gains weight as a result. I have no idea if there is any validity to this theory, or if it is just a vain attempt at self justification.

In any event, if I am honest, I have to admit that women eating fattening foods is a turn on for me, if they are doing so of their own free will. Any involvement on my part however, beyond agreeing to buy the extra desert or bake them a cake, to me would be a major turn off. In fact, I'm not really turned on by the idea of a women trying to gain weight on purpose either, if that makes any sense. But if a women gets really fat (but not immobile) just eating what she wants to, when she wants to, that is intensely attractive to me. So would I be considered a feeder or not? Whatever it is, I don't think I can change it.

[mdp123456]

I am definitely an FA and love seeing a gain, but im not a feeder. If my wife happens to eat alot then I let it happen. I dont try to get her to eat more, but if she wants to then I will get her whatever she wants. She has gone from a small 105lbs to a sexy 170ish so far in the past year. She kind of likes it, mainly because it drives me wild. I have noticed she will grab her belly and shake it more often (boingggg) the best part is she is not actively gaining but the pounds keep piling on. Cant wait to see what another year will bring, she has the sexiest belly! (sorry for going off topic)

[Stuffingkit]

I really dislike that automatically there is stigma or control in a feeder and feedee relationship. That is not always the case, In fact, more often then not the Feedee is the dominant one. The thing about feederism, Is that it isnt a choice, sexuality is not something you can choose. I think that a person can be an FA without being into feederism. I am a feedee, and I am very open about that. And there was a time that I thought that all FAs were into feederism *to a degree* but I was SO wrong. I have dated a few guys who identified as FAs and not as feeders, and man did I shock them bringing ice cream into the bedroom, or asking them to call me fatty!

My feeder puts it well, he says: "Fat girls are my preference, Feederism is my Fetish"

[The Orange Mage]

Feedism is a spectrum thing. Some people dabble, some people integrate it into their sex lives, some people go all-out CATAPULT FORCE-FEED(tm). I personally think any FA who claims to not be a feeder yet is aroused by the idea of weight gain is a little self-contradictory. You don't have to actually feed someone to be a feeder! One who feeds and one who simply brings food and offers belly rubs are mostly the same, there's just a different level of proactiveness in there.

Being full-blown feedist, I can't really wrap my mind around being JUST an FA. I mean, if you prefer a larger woman than "the norm," doesn't that in itself imply arousal by weight gain?

[Stuffingkit]

Feedism is a spectrum thing. Some people dabble, some people integrate it into their sex lives, some people go all-out CATAPULT FORCE-FEED(tm). I personally think any FA who claims to not be a feeder yet is aroused by the idea of weight gain is a little self-contradictory. You don't have to actually feed someone to be a feeder! One who feeds and one who simply brings food and offers belly rubs are mostly the same, there's just a different level of proactiveness in there.

Being full-blown feedist, I can't really wrap my mind around being JUST an FA. I mean, if you prefer a larger woman than "the norm," doesn't that in itself imply arousal by weight gain?

I really like what you've said here!

[Jon Blaze]

I guess it depends on their perspective really. Almost a determination made on whether they are aware of the community elements or not.

If they aren't aware, then it's generally a non issue since it's not likely to come up.

If they are, then it's just something I consider. I have no reason to just say I am not a feeder or encourager, but I will just have it on my toes to clarify given that the question may come up.

The issue has come up on one occasion with someone I was interested in dating about a year ago.
(Verbatim)

Her: Are you a feeder? Have you ever fed someone you were dating?
Me: I'm not a feeder, but I have fed some of my partners on occasion. It's just out of satisfying my partner, and not something related to my preferences.

And she totally understood where I was coming from.

[Nenona]

See, I'm at a very weird place--I like eating, and I like watching others eat.
But I'm not interested in weight gain or making someone else gain weight.

Go figure.
It's why I wish there was like a "class designation" for fetishes.
"Feedism, class 1-I like eating, but not interested in gaining weight."

Also I'm very picky about what foods I actually enjoy eating and enjoy seeing others eat.

But mostly I do...avoid the guys who are insistent or overbearingly obsessed with like, getting me to weigh more. I weigh 369--I'm fine with my current weight, I do want to get in shape some more, but I have no wish to get any larger or smaller.
I also don't own a scale, and I purposefully bring up how hard it is for me to find clothes that I like--I also really like cute clothes, and as it is I'm a 3x in all the remotely cute stuff that I can get ahold of. It's not easy the larger you get, so even if a guy would want me to be fatter, I'd let him have it on how much tougher it is to be any larger than I am--I find that a lot of times guys never even give any thought to how he won't be able to bring her to places because of the types of chairs they have or she'll have to get all new clothes because her old one don't fit--it's just something they never even think about in their fetish or in the process of "getting their fix"--it's why I avoid relationships with feeders who specifically want to see weight gain. Yes it's kind of unfair, but when you're insistent on something to the point of completely disregarding how it could affect someone else's life...that doesn't make me feel loved or cared for, just like I'm "something to be used".

I do purposefully have an open discussion of both my fetishes and his fetishes before anything sexual happens. Helps set the boundaries and know what's cool and what's not cool for the bedroom, and if we'll mesh well sexually.

[The Orange Mage]

See, I'm at a very weird place--I like eating, and I like watching others eat.
But I'm not interested in weight gain or making someone else gain weight.

Go figure.
It's why I wish there was like a "class designation" for fetishes.
"Feedism, class 1-I like eating, but not interested in gaining weight."

Also I'm very picky about what foods I actually enjoy eating and enjoy seeing others eat.

I made a long-winded post on my Tumblr about this very thing half a year ago. I described Feedism as a buffet where generally you pick and choose what applies to you and there are lots of personal variations but it all falls under feedism. http://theorangemage.tumblr.com/post/15721506343/the-buffet-of-feedism

[b0nnie]

When I meet a FA online and he makes a point to tell me that he's not a feeder, I tend to do a bit of profile stalkery. If he tells me that I'm beautiful and perfect the way I am and I see that he's commented on a picture of a woman double my size and told her that she has the perfect body is totally his ideal...then yea, I know that he's one of the hidden feeders.

Do I think all FAs are feeders...well, yes and no. I would imagine that if a guy is solely into BBWs then he must have a bit of a feeder inside him, otherwise why fat girls. The degree of it is what makes a the label apply more to some then others. If you like to watch a fat girl eat, then I'd say you have some feeder tendencies. If you like to watch a girl eat, and at the same time are tallying up the amount of calories she is consuming and are already thinking of what else you can get her to add to her caloric intake, then you are one of those hardcore into gaining feeders. The hardcore gaining feeders are the ones I stay away from. They end up being those guys that only want to talk about food and how much of it you are eating....it gets super boring super fast.

To be honest, I have feedee/stuffer tendencies and I actually get a bit bummed when a guy makes a point of saying that he's not a feeder but at the same time I get a bit weary if a guy tells me that he is a feeder. I love the feeding side of this fetish but with my lifestyle being what it is the gaining part of it is something I won't do and from my experience the guys who openly admit to being into feederism can't/won't separate one from the other and the guys who deny any interest in it take out of the equation something that I find to be a huge turn on. I just wish there would be guys out there that like the feeding part without needing the gaining part. :(

[CastingPearls]

We had at least one poll here (of course, now that I think of them, I can't find them) that asked what was it about a woman gaining that turned them on, and options like measuring her, watching her get bigger over time, etc. were offered. The other poll was what was it about a bbw's body that the FA liked best, I think? There are so many, they're a blur. I'd swear the first one was opened by Orange Mage, though. Anyhoo, a fair number of FAs said they're not into the gaining/feeding aspect whatsoever. They like a bigger woman, full stop.

I'm attracted to fat guys and average size guys. Since coming to Dims I wondered if I myself had a bit of a feeder tendency because I like to cook a nice meal and watch my friends enjoy it but now, not so much. I think it would be nice for feedists to think that anyone who gets emotional satisfaction from someone enjoying the gift of food is a feeder, but that may just be an opinion or wishful thinking. I think it's a jump to like or want a bigger person and assume you or the admirer must therefore be a feeder. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and not a fetish or preference. I like fat guys. I'm not a feeder in any way, shape or form. Whatever floats your boat, float it. I don't see that they MUST be linked together on a staggered feeder scale and I know enough men AND women who love fat partners, who aren't aroused by the food aspect.

[deanna banana]

I am unsure about the whole "feeder" thing. My bf can gain *ahem* special pleasure from an activity like hand feeding me milk duds. However, I probably would have eaten the milk duds anyway and it is a small box. He is happy with my weight where it is and is not trying to get me to gain. Is he a feeder because he so enjoys feeding me or is he not a feeder because I am not being pressured to gain weight and it is not a focus of our relationship?

[Tad]

Deanna: Feeder/not-feeder is not really a binary thing, where you are or you aren't--at least not any more so than, say, being a sports fan. It sounds like your boyfriend enjoys helping you indulge in treats, or likes being part of your enjoyment. That is the case for many people who would be considered feeders, but not all (some are only about the weight gain and could care less about the enjoyment of food). But so long as he is not pressing for more and more, so long as he is essentially enjoying what you choose to do, then I wouldn't worry too much.

The best I could really say is that, like in any relationship, you need to keep an eye on what you want versus what your partner wants, and be clear in your mind when you are pleasing yourself versus pleasing him (which can be enjoyable in its own right, but is a different thing all the same), and make sure not to drift into habits and lifestyles that don't please you, at least not without consciously weighing out the why behind making that choice.

But note that this advice can apply equally to drinking, visiting relatives, what to do on Saturday night, home decor, etc, as it does food choices, activity, and weight.

As long as you can be clear on what works for you, it sounds like things should be good :)