The Bunion
10-31-2005, 09:08 PM
THE BUNION
A swollen knob on the big toe of Dimensions Forums
(The Bunion is an equal opportunity equalizer, and is in no way affiliated with the short-lived but long-gone Weight Board Gazette. So if you know who that was, please don't blame them for this. Also not to be confused with The Onion, which is, like, ten times funnier.)
Dimensions Forums Settles Into New Cyber Home; Contractors Hired to Widen Doorways and Install Bigger Bathtubs
September saw much activity in Dimville. A high-heeled hissy fit broke out on the Paysite Board, filled with angry misspellings and upper case discussion of nipples and cooter (no affiliation with the Arkansas law firm of the same name). This resulted in the board being closed down and several of the Paysite ladies suddenly forgetting they weren't allowed to advertise on the Weight Board.
Later, in an unrelated move, Conrad Blickenstorfer, Mayor of Dimville, launched new software, reinstating the dearly missed Paysite Board and adding an Events Board and Foodee Forum, the latter of which is already responsible for packing upwards of 1,500 additional pounds onto its readers.
More importantly, the software offers enough new smiley faces to choke even the Pollyest of Pollyannas.
When asked about the overwhelming success of the new forum, Mayor Blickenstorfer said, "Uhm... what paper are you with again?"
Indeed, Mayor B. Indeed.
Dimville Resident Obesus Missing for Days, Returns With Martian Symbol Tattooed On His Scalp
"They had giant, pulsating heads and tiny, skeletal bodies," said the weary Obesus after being treated and released from Our Lady of the Low-Carb Cracker Medical Center. "They looked kind of like a more womanly Calista Flockhart."
Upon leaving the hospital, Obesus was inundated with FFA's all atwitter and reporters asking what notable differences exist between earth people and outer space people. "Their knowledge of human anatomy is lacking," said the beloved Dimville fixture, carefully extracting the anal probe from his nose. "And I do wish they cared more about sanitizing surgical instruments between uses."
"Oh, and...." the cloaked BHM paused as he stepped into a waiting stretch limo filled with adoring hipsters. "They have Kelligrl. Okay, bye now! Buh-bye!"
Zitkussing: What's In It For You?
Wayne Zitkus announced a new reputation points exchange plan this week, rendering wisdom, humor, and helpfulness no longer necessary.
"Not everyone can be interesting or nice," said the two-time Bearskin Rug Award recipient about his trade proposal. "This is a more equitable means of validating your existence through a web board."
Charter members may take advantage of the following Grand Opening Special: 5 reputation points will cost you your self-respect, 10 points will cost you the respect of others. For 15 or more, you must kick in some Paypal.
"Respect is highly overrated..." said Zitkus, whose voice then trailed off.
CurvyEm Establishes New Velocity Record for Newbie Toppling
On October 24, Dimville youth CurvyEm broke the speed record for frightening a newcomer when she called TrinityPleasure an idiot within 1 hour and 25 minutes of Miss Pleasure's first post. This shatters the record of an hour 45 previously set by [name withheld because she's been quiet lately and The Bunion staff would like to keep her that way], who forfeits the title, but will continue to hold her place of honor in the Dimville Histrionical Society, for Excellence in Making People Uncomfortable.
When reached for comment, CurvyEm spat at us, and threw a boiled mutton at our car as we sped away.
And we think she's put some sort of impotence curse on us, but we can't prove that.
FA Picks Up Award; Can No Longer Lift Wife
The Canadian Chapter of NAABCGM (National Association for the Advancement of Bowl-Cuts on Grown Men) has awarded the 2005 NAABCy for Achievement in Indiscretion to TimFA, for outing You-Know-Who's You-Know-What before You-Know-Who revealed her You-Know-What herself. The offending post was quickly deleted, and You-Know-Who was later forced to reveal her own You-Know-What in a thread which Mayor Blickenstorfer promptly moved to the WLS Board. Because it's, you know, about WLS.
"The Awards ceremony was a moptop-studded red carpet affair," reports Bunion Fashion Editor Seveera Allblack. "The NAABCy winner's lovely wife Gaining Goddess wore a wonderfully squeaky cocktail-length patent leather halter dress by LadyBWear in size 4X, 5X, and later at the after-party, 6X. TimFA wore Pyrex.
News Briefs
(Brought to you by Just My Size Cotton Stretch Panties. These are not your mother's panties. Oh, wait. They are.)
The Ladies of Dimville Post Naughty Profile Photos for a Day to Raise Membership; Members Rise... page 6
Old Dogsoldier Writes Dimensions Pledge, Dozens of Chubby Fingers Become Lodged Into Tightly Packed Cleavage While Attempting to Put Hands Over Hearts... page 7
Main Board Sees More Traffic Than Weight Board; Pigs Fly Over That Fat Calista Flockhart's House... page 11
And From the Sports Desk:
Carrie and Juicy Still Missing Following Paysite Board Fracas; Carrie is Missed, Juicy, Not So Much... page H-42
October DimStats
Most commonly used words and phrases during the month of October:
I - 11,047
the - 705
and - 579
is - 374
My Engineer husband Art - 373
as - 254
yummy - 149
Current number of male users pretending to be women: 14
Current number of male users pretending to be women and totally getting away with it: 1
The Bunion Personals
Voluptuous web board seeks eccentric New England cartoonist for romantic afternoons of shirking your increased responsibilities in favor of posting more often and livening things up. Must have outlaw commitment, curious affection for elbow dimples, and be able to create humorous and punful subject lines, with text entirely non sequiturious to the thread topic. No smokers or fatties, please.
The Bunion Word of the Day
Phalloidium
Pronunciation: rhymes with 'hemorrhoidy yum"
Function: noun
Meaning: An oversimplification, usually fueled by inexperience or unsteady levels of testosterone. See also: Dr. Phil.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Bunion,
How is it you already have letters to the Editor, being that this is The Bunion's first ever issue?
Sincerely,
Fakey McMadeupname
Bend, Oregon
Dear Fakey,
Great question! This month's Letters to the Editor section is completely fabricated, unlike future Letters to the Editor sections, which will only be somewhat fabricated.
Thanks for writing!
<> <> <>
Dear Bunion,
Are you The Weight Board Gazette?
Poor Reading Comprehensionally Yours,
Drifty McShortattentionspan
Bend, Oregon
Dear Drifty,
I told you once. No.
<> <> <>
Dear Bunion,
Ever notice how many Irish people there are living in Bend, Oregon?
Yours,
Straightman McSetupline
Bend, Oregon
Dear Mr. McSetupline,
Can't say as I have, no.
<> <> <>
Letters are welcomed, as are editorial submissions, personal ads, and suggestions for a more up-to-date reference than Calista Flockhart. (The Bunion staff is drawing a blank.)
In the Next Issue of The Bunion...
The Zitkusses Imprisoned for Reputation Laundering; Jokes About Baking a Cake With a File In It Abound on The Foodee Board
Bend, Oregon Chamber of Commerce Issues a Cease and Desist Order Requiring The Bunion To Stop Using Their City's Name; Bunion Editor-In-Chief Countersues On The Grounds It's the Dirtiest and Therefore Funniest Sounding Name in US
Local Historic Battlefield Taken Over By Flame War Reenactors
A "Show Your Ass For a Day Day" Special Pull-Out Section: Boteroesque Babe Shows Pink, Pink Wears a Turtleneck
<>
A swollen knob on the big toe of Dimensions Forums
(The Bunion is an equal opportunity equalizer, and is in no way affiliated with the short-lived but long-gone Weight Board Gazette. So if you know who that was, please don't blame them for this. Also not to be confused with The Onion, which is, like, ten times funnier.)
Dimensions Forums Settles Into New Cyber Home; Contractors Hired to Widen Doorways and Install Bigger Bathtubs
September saw much activity in Dimville. A high-heeled hissy fit broke out on the Paysite Board, filled with angry misspellings and upper case discussion of nipples and cooter (no affiliation with the Arkansas law firm of the same name). This resulted in the board being closed down and several of the Paysite ladies suddenly forgetting they weren't allowed to advertise on the Weight Board.
Later, in an unrelated move, Conrad Blickenstorfer, Mayor of Dimville, launched new software, reinstating the dearly missed Paysite Board and adding an Events Board and Foodee Forum, the latter of which is already responsible for packing upwards of 1,500 additional pounds onto its readers.
More importantly, the software offers enough new smiley faces to choke even the Pollyest of Pollyannas.
When asked about the overwhelming success of the new forum, Mayor Blickenstorfer said, "Uhm... what paper are you with again?"
Indeed, Mayor B. Indeed.
Dimville Resident Obesus Missing for Days, Returns With Martian Symbol Tattooed On His Scalp
"They had giant, pulsating heads and tiny, skeletal bodies," said the weary Obesus after being treated and released from Our Lady of the Low-Carb Cracker Medical Center. "They looked kind of like a more womanly Calista Flockhart."
Upon leaving the hospital, Obesus was inundated with FFA's all atwitter and reporters asking what notable differences exist between earth people and outer space people. "Their knowledge of human anatomy is lacking," said the beloved Dimville fixture, carefully extracting the anal probe from his nose. "And I do wish they cared more about sanitizing surgical instruments between uses."
"Oh, and...." the cloaked BHM paused as he stepped into a waiting stretch limo filled with adoring hipsters. "They have Kelligrl. Okay, bye now! Buh-bye!"
Zitkussing: What's In It For You?
Wayne Zitkus announced a new reputation points exchange plan this week, rendering wisdom, humor, and helpfulness no longer necessary.
"Not everyone can be interesting or nice," said the two-time Bearskin Rug Award recipient about his trade proposal. "This is a more equitable means of validating your existence through a web board."
Charter members may take advantage of the following Grand Opening Special: 5 reputation points will cost you your self-respect, 10 points will cost you the respect of others. For 15 or more, you must kick in some Paypal.
"Respect is highly overrated..." said Zitkus, whose voice then trailed off.
CurvyEm Establishes New Velocity Record for Newbie Toppling
On October 24, Dimville youth CurvyEm broke the speed record for frightening a newcomer when she called TrinityPleasure an idiot within 1 hour and 25 minutes of Miss Pleasure's first post. This shatters the record of an hour 45 previously set by [name withheld because she's been quiet lately and The Bunion staff would like to keep her that way], who forfeits the title, but will continue to hold her place of honor in the Dimville Histrionical Society, for Excellence in Making People Uncomfortable.
When reached for comment, CurvyEm spat at us, and threw a boiled mutton at our car as we sped away.
And we think she's put some sort of impotence curse on us, but we can't prove that.
FA Picks Up Award; Can No Longer Lift Wife
The Canadian Chapter of NAABCGM (National Association for the Advancement of Bowl-Cuts on Grown Men) has awarded the 2005 NAABCy for Achievement in Indiscretion to TimFA, for outing You-Know-Who's You-Know-What before You-Know-Who revealed her You-Know-What herself. The offending post was quickly deleted, and You-Know-Who was later forced to reveal her own You-Know-What in a thread which Mayor Blickenstorfer promptly moved to the WLS Board. Because it's, you know, about WLS.
"The Awards ceremony was a moptop-studded red carpet affair," reports Bunion Fashion Editor Seveera Allblack. "The NAABCy winner's lovely wife Gaining Goddess wore a wonderfully squeaky cocktail-length patent leather halter dress by LadyBWear in size 4X, 5X, and later at the after-party, 6X. TimFA wore Pyrex.
News Briefs
(Brought to you by Just My Size Cotton Stretch Panties. These are not your mother's panties. Oh, wait. They are.)
The Ladies of Dimville Post Naughty Profile Photos for a Day to Raise Membership; Members Rise... page 6
Old Dogsoldier Writes Dimensions Pledge, Dozens of Chubby Fingers Become Lodged Into Tightly Packed Cleavage While Attempting to Put Hands Over Hearts... page 7
Main Board Sees More Traffic Than Weight Board; Pigs Fly Over That Fat Calista Flockhart's House... page 11
And From the Sports Desk:
Carrie and Juicy Still Missing Following Paysite Board Fracas; Carrie is Missed, Juicy, Not So Much... page H-42
October DimStats
Most commonly used words and phrases during the month of October:
I - 11,047
the - 705
and - 579
is - 374
My Engineer husband Art - 373
as - 254
yummy - 149
Current number of male users pretending to be women: 14
Current number of male users pretending to be women and totally getting away with it: 1
The Bunion Personals
Voluptuous web board seeks eccentric New England cartoonist for romantic afternoons of shirking your increased responsibilities in favor of posting more often and livening things up. Must have outlaw commitment, curious affection for elbow dimples, and be able to create humorous and punful subject lines, with text entirely non sequiturious to the thread topic. No smokers or fatties, please.
The Bunion Word of the Day
Phalloidium
Pronunciation: rhymes with 'hemorrhoidy yum"
Function: noun
Meaning: An oversimplification, usually fueled by inexperience or unsteady levels of testosterone. See also: Dr. Phil.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Bunion,
How is it you already have letters to the Editor, being that this is The Bunion's first ever issue?
Sincerely,
Fakey McMadeupname
Bend, Oregon
Dear Fakey,
Great question! This month's Letters to the Editor section is completely fabricated, unlike future Letters to the Editor sections, which will only be somewhat fabricated.
Thanks for writing!
<> <> <>
Dear Bunion,
Are you The Weight Board Gazette?
Poor Reading Comprehensionally Yours,
Drifty McShortattentionspan
Bend, Oregon
Dear Drifty,
I told you once. No.
<> <> <>
Dear Bunion,
Ever notice how many Irish people there are living in Bend, Oregon?
Yours,
Straightman McSetupline
Bend, Oregon
Dear Mr. McSetupline,
Can't say as I have, no.
<> <> <>
Letters are welcomed, as are editorial submissions, personal ads, and suggestions for a more up-to-date reference than Calista Flockhart. (The Bunion staff is drawing a blank.)
In the Next Issue of The Bunion...
The Zitkusses Imprisoned for Reputation Laundering; Jokes About Baking a Cake With a File In It Abound on The Foodee Board
Bend, Oregon Chamber of Commerce Issues a Cease and Desist Order Requiring The Bunion To Stop Using Their City's Name; Bunion Editor-In-Chief Countersues On The Grounds It's the Dirtiest and Therefore Funniest Sounding Name in US
Local Historic Battlefield Taken Over By Flame War Reenactors
A "Show Your Ass For a Day Day" Special Pull-Out Section: Boteroesque Babe Shows Pink, Pink Wears a Turtleneck
<>