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Old 01-16-2010, 12:07 PM   #46
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 18
liam can now change their title

Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
Liam, I am not posting to ridicule you. Your struggle is very clear and I don't discount that it really is a struggle for you. As a fat woman though, I'm posting to ask you not to date my fellow fat sisters. Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered.

Your mixed feelings, your excuses, your justifications--there is a little truth in all of them and you are entitled to them. I worked in a very image-conscious industry in New York. I am not unfamiliar with the type of societal pressure you're referring to. But that is the path you chose and what you are electing to make meaningful in your life. You have the potential to do harm, and since you know you're unwilling to stand up for a fat partner, the harm you'll do will be done knowingly and with premeditation. If you are unwilling to push back against the pressures you feel, do not make your struggle the burden of someone else who deserves better and deserves not to be splattered by the self-loathing you haven't yet come to terms with.
Rainday, I appreciate your concerns, but the rhetoric is a little extreme. I double posted with the disclaimer in part because I didn't want anyone to take this as entirely my personal backstory-- it isn't; it's based on long conversations I've had with others about their experiences, and about what they've witnessed. That conversation was possible because I am now open with my likes and dislikes to, what I think, is a reasonable extent. That is, an extent to which everyone knows and understands that I will date and love bbws, but not to an extent where the discussion is completely sexualized.

The family issues, and schoolhouse beatings, those were me. I've come to terms with that. There was a time where that history was overwhelming. My initial point, though, wasn't that merely becoming "more emotionally mature and honest" is all that it takes to overcome these issues. It just isn't. Social pressures and stigma can be excessive, and as people with different backgrounds, different social imprinting etc, our reactions to that stigma can vary greatly.

Currently, if someone directly attacked my own partner's weight, they would hear about it, and if it was one of my employers i would take it directly to HR and escalate the issue as much as possible. I have never directly experienced this, though. But, in light of what I've discussed with others, I know there was a time in my life where, despite being mature, I might have been reluctant to introduce a fat partner to those individuals in that sort of environment. And getting to where I am now wasn't a question of simply maturing. That's way too reductive.

Incidentally, my father knows that I have dated larger women. I still get teased for it, but I don't feel any shame. I would make damn sure he never verbally attacked a partner. I will not, however, discuss with him the extent of my sexual preferences. He can gather that I'm a FA from context, but there's a balance between being open and banging your head against a brick wall.

A final point: there is way too much hostility to different experiences and POVs on this forum, and way too much projecting of one's own issues onto those of other posters. As a guy who is mainly attracted to smaller BBWs, and who disagrees with, say, feederism and the worship of fat at the cost of health, I don't feel like I fit in terribly well here. I will not, however, tell anyone here that they are suffering from some terrible complex and should become "celibate" so as to avoid harming others.

Hence the lurking.

Last edited by James; 01-16-2010 at 10:17 PM.
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