Thread: bi-gendered?
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:31 PM   #30
Dmitra
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It's been a bit more difficult for me to take part in this thread than I thought it would be. I've never really had a problem with feeling androgynous or being bi yet I've always felt about a bit concerned on the genesis of the latter. For a couple years as a preteen I was sexually abused by a male relative -- not my dad -- and on top of confusing everything else, it did a number on my gender identity. Prior to that I'd always been a tomboy but one who didn't mind wearing girly dresses and doing girly things. I had no wish to be a real boy, or feeling that I was in the wrongly equipped body.

Afterwards, I stopped wearing dresses at all (not sure if this was made more important than it really needed to be because my dad especially balked at wearing pants to church) and drifted toward a generic kind of androgynous boyishness. Of course it was the 70s and the happy culture of Bowie and such made it less weird, at least to me. One of the funnier things that happened was when I went to a new school and the office lady told my dad he had a very handsome son! Being a teenager I wasn't very happy about this at the time but being fat And troubled it seemed easier to deal with than participating in the girl/boy hornfest going on around me. Being androgynous, asexual and apathetic made life much easier to sludge through.

I had had crushes on girls but only after the crisis point and it always worried me that it was just another reaction against the abuse, that it wouldn't be as valid or heartfelt. I am still drawn overwhelmingly towards men, and still feel more comfortable being tom-mannish though becoming more femme over the years as therapy and life made me grow.

I think I would enjoy being a man but I still love being a woman! If I were somehow magically endowed with a male body I'm sure I'd be overwhelmingly gay. I've had daydreams of being a man and having sex with men and women which were fine and dandy. And, of course, the sexy visions of "having a wank" with a wang.

Confused as I still am, right now my feeling is that I've come to own my experiences, despite negative baggage, and my continuing evolution.
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