Thread: bi-gendered?
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:14 AM   #38
lozonloz
 
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Location: Suffolk UK/London
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I have issues with the bi-gender phenomenon in that I'm not sure I understand it, or myself in relation to it.

I have known about my bisexuality from a young age (I had a crush on a boy and a girl at the same time just after I started high school), and have "dated" both men and women but generally I have issues making romantic contact with women as I have never really got involved in LGBT culture. I have gay friends, but no lesbian ones, and when a straight friend asked me if I identified first with the LGBT or the FA/BBW community I immediately said it was the latter. I just feel more involved and more accepted here, which means I know a reasonable amount about this facet of my sexuality but much less about my identity as a bisexual and where I stand.

When I HAVE met women who are interested in me it becomes clear very quickly that this isnt going to work out because they see me as butch. I dont see myself as butch.

I rarely wear skirts or dresses (in fact almost never) because I find jeans and t-shirts more comfy, and when I put my hair up and wear a hat, I guess I could look butch... and I loathe using makeup every day and only wear it when I get dolled up.

But... I don't want to be the "guy", I like being a woman. I feel like a woman. I like being treated like a woman... I like getting dressed up in my corsets and jewellry and makeup and dressing up my hair and wearing my high heels when I go out and having people tell me I'm georgeous (bit arrogant I know, but I dont get dressed up alot so I milk it when I do). I like to challenge and be challenged in a friendships and romantic encounters but I'm not a dominant personality....

How can I put it? It's like I like to playfight, and I like to playfight ALOT, but I expect to get overpowered at the end and pushed up against a wall for some steamy activity. I don't want to be the one doing the overpowering...

Actually I think there's some Dom/Sub stuff mixed up in the gender indentity that I need to sort out, but I've never had a partner willing to explore that with me either. Gr.

Any advice? I'm not sure where I stand on the gender identity front... I'd say I'm femme, and that it's sometimes fairly aggravating to be taken as butch, possibly being a large woman having something of a factor in that.

Then the whole thing gets more complicated by the fact that I'm attracted to feminine women and masculine men. Androdgeny doesnt do it for me... *sigh* I find it amusing that I'm secure in that I embrace my sexuality as a large woman and I am secure in the knowledge that I am attracted to both men and women but have yet to figure out the rest of the framework...
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