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Old 01-09-2013, 07:58 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 21
yrmangledheart has said some nice things
Default Conflicted About Gaining - Help!

I've wanted to write this post for some time even though I am not a particularly active member of the forums. It is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling but I will make an attempt and hope you'll post, especially those who have experiences to share.

I'm an F.A and I adore BBW & SSBBW. This has been something I've always felt, since pre-puberty, I have always admired fat people around me. It's something I've had no problem accepting and I am happy to speak about it honestly and frankly with people. However, when it comes to issues surrounding my own weight my feelings are far more conflicted which is why I'm writing.

Since childhood I've been excited by the idea of being fat. It has always been there, in the background, less prominent than me adoration of OTHER fat people but still there. I love food, adore eating till I am impossibly full, I have compulsive eating habits and am constantly thinking about my next meal. I'm aroused by the feeling of being full. I live a pretty physically active lifestyle and because of that my adult weight has hovered between (briefly) 185-ish and 210, not particularly big. At 5 foot 10 I'm around 40lbs heavier than a 'healthy' weight but have always been somewhere in that range, never gaining in huge bursts but the occasional pound here and there, gaining some, losing some, evening out. I've never committed to gaining, I'm struck by the compulsion from time to time but have never taken the matter seriously.

Despite loving fat women I can't seem to wholly submit to my feelings about being fat myself. Despite feeling aroused by being full of food, despite loving the feeling of my stomach being flabby and heavy, I still recoil when I see a photo when I 'look fat'. I fantasize about being fat but if I'm actually called fat in real life I feel sad. I have days where I buy lots of healthy food, commit to 'getting fit', exercise and start to fantasize about how I'll look when I'm skinny which can be followed one week later by a day of eating pizza, chocolate, fries, lots of fattening food and jiggling my stomach whilst being intimate with myself *cough*. If I put on an item of clothing and its become too tight I feel equal parts disappointed with myself and turned-on. I can't seem to shake this bizarre mix of shame and excitement. I can't understand why I can't fully commit to either lifestyle; either healthy living or gaining. I've been living with these feelings for years and years and I want to reconcile them with my image of myself.

One thing I do know is it will never go. This burning desire, this compulsion to eat and the sexual gratification I feel from being full will never leave me because I've lived with it for as long as I can remember being alive. So why can't I succumb to it? Why won't I commit? I feel so confused.
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