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Old 06-20-2014, 02:10 AM   #35
Tracyarts's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Just southeast of Houston, TX
Posts: 1,984
Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!Tracyarts keeps pushing the rep limit!

" Finally I ended BBW modeling for another reason (some people found out about it and it got me in trouble) but I felt like absolute crap. Worthless, ugly, old, not good enough. I thought before I was pretty, but that changed a lot. I can't stand myself anymore when I look in the mirror. I feel a bit depressed, and ugly most of the time. I learned a lot from my very short adventure in BBW-paysite land, but NEVER EVER again "

I've done adult modeling as a small volume independent producer for a while. But I really don't see any need to participate in the Paysite board here because to be honest, what I do isn't particularly marketable to the Dimensions crowd. I'm a loser not a gainer, no longer within the "SSBBW" category, and my video content is usually more about the fun and lighter side of fetishes than fatness.

I have to say it's been a really strange trip, and I've gone on hiatus and pulled all my videos a couple of times when it started to make me feel uncomfortable or insecure.

People can completely suck when it comes to judging people involved in the adult industry. I had two former friends find my video clips and make a big deal out of it. One just called me trash and accused me of prostitution. The other made a vague threat to out me to people who "might want to know just who you really are". What I want to know is if they managed to find my work, which isn't under any name they knew me by, just what exactly were they searching for, and how does that give them the right to judge? So, I took things down and laid low until it blew over. At the time, had somebody wanted to fuck with my actual life, they could have. I decided that I would wait until it was a little bit "safer" before bringing my store back online.

I came back and got back into doing my thing and having fun with it, but after a while I started getting some static from a handful of fans and random viewers about how noticeably my body had changed from my early clips to my more recent ones. There was MUCH brou-ha-ha over the fact that my model name included the term "SSBBW" and how I was fraudulently using that term to scam and draw customers in when I was clearly not fat enough to rightfully claim the descriptor "SSBBW" any longer. Since it was such a big freaking deal to such a vocal minority, I changed my name to something that did not include BBW or SSBBW at all in order to avoid confusion as to what I really was trying to promote myself as. But I still got static over the weight loss and a lot of pressure to re-gain. At the time things were going on in my life where I didn't need any additional stress and drama, so I took it all down for a second time.

Things are better now and I'm at a place where I'm very comfortable with who I am now and who I was then. I started missing how much fun I was having with the filming and to be honest, my temp job crapped out again and having a little bit of pocket money to blow every month would be nice. So I'm getting back into it but not as deeply as before.

You have to be in a place where you are completely comfortable with who you are, and have the ability to compartmentalize the "on film you" and "real you". And have a very tough skin. You can't take the validation or invalidation seriously. Fans and customers aren't praising or rejecting you as a complete three dimensional person. It's all about the image you put out there and how they react to it.

Maybe it's easier for me because way back in the day I modeled through an agency, doing runway, print and tv commmercials, and would get rejected in interviews on a regular basis for the most nitpicky of reasons. I had an awesome agent who helped me understand that it wasn't about me as a person or whether I was attractive or not. It was about a specific image that they had in mind that I just didn't happen to match up with.

And that's okay. We can't all be everybody's cup of tea. And the fact is, the BBW adult modeling industry is extremely oversaturated. And with the internet, social media, and image sharing applications, there is NO shortage of free and easy to find photos of women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and descriptions right at a viewer's fingertips. Most people aren't paying to see pretty women, and of the pretty women they are paying to see, there are so many to go around that it's extremely difficult to stand out in the crowd.
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