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Old 09-24-2014, 11:37 AM   #832
Amaranthine
Adamant Anti-Nihilist
 
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New York
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Question

This is part question/part confession, so this seems like a decent enough thread to jump into.

Since my early teens, I've identified as bisexual. And that quickly changed into pansexual. That's seemed correct enough for the most part but lately I've started wondering if that's actually true. I mean...not that I'm super gung-ho about labels, but I'd sort of like somewhere to fit in.

Most of my actual physical sexual attraction is felt towards BHM/BBW (with the SS prefix also being applicable.) I find all women and (primarily) MtF transexuals strongly aesthetically appealing and that can be sexual in certain circumstances.

The issue is that I feel that most of my sexual attraction is...theoretical. I've fancied the idea of having an unattached and casually sexual period of life, as that deviates from what I've done so far. But more and more I'm realizing that, for the most part, I hate the prospect of actual physical/sexual interactions with people.

It's not that I don't have the sex drive for it; I have libido to spare. I generally have no problem sexualizing people I find attractive. I can look at someone and be aroused/fantastize...but I don't have any desire for actualization. I much prefer solo masturbation to the idea of just having sex with someone. I can/have found casual light physical encounters (kissing, touching, though I would feel fine with going further) with women appealing and enjoyable. But the same seems absolutely intolerable with men; I think I can only handle extremely dispassionate, kinky casual sex with men...and I really have no desire to seek that out. Generally, I just don't want to have to deal with being touched or physically appreciated. I especially can't handle someone else having emotion involved when I do not. Sexually speaking, I enjoy kinks/ideas more than the physical act.

I do very much enjoy sexual things when there's actual romantic and emotional attraction involved (which has only happened with men, so I can't really see myself pursuing anything long-term/serious with a woman.) That leads me to think that I might be mostly demisexual, even though I enjoy a host of sexual things when another person isn't involved. Though, I think I find that really problematic because I have issues with establishing long-term emotional connections with people (and generally have very very blunted affect in respect to people); a lot of my relationships have gone downhill because something went wrong enough (in my mind) to kill my ability to be sexual, even though I could still see them as a companion and care for them as an SO.

tl;dr I have no idea what I'm doing and kind of want my body to work a bit more consistently, and am mostly just curious as to how other people function in this respect.
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