Thread: FA Frustrations
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Old 01-17-2015, 01:43 AM   #23
Hard to say, really...
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Default So what is right? And what is wrong? Gimme a sign...

Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
"Maybe some people can get away with approaching random women. However some of us are more likely to get pepper sprayed than to get a phone number.

If you're a guy and you fit a stereotype of what a "bad" guy looks like you have to tread very lightly.
This is a bit of a cop-out; because, as YoJoshua is beginning to touch-upon, you're conflating a whole series of intermediate steps that most people manage to negotiate without talking or thinking about it too much.

I mean, just for a second, hypothetically, take it out of a dating or sexual context. And into networking. Or sales. Obviously, you're undercutting yourself to just walk up to anyone you have no previous history with only to ask them for something, anything, straight-away. (And yet, there ARE people who succeed in doing precisely that, just about every day). No, first you have to introduce yourself.

And then you have to give them at least some opportunity in order to reciprocate. To articulate or somehow telegraph a language or set of terms through which the two of you can continue to relate towards each other.

And then it can gradually progress beyond the scope of that original introduction, or whatever terms contained therein. To the extent that the other party is allowing it. For which you, of course, consider it to be out of your hands.

Except, it really isn't because, among a myriad of other things, their decision is at least partly based on how you are behaving toward them. Generally, if you are attentive, polite, considerate, etc...people you are approaching will more so tend to mirror that behavior. And, to some extent, in contrast they truly are, or what they're feeling, or what they think of you or your proposition. Although, again, at this particular stage, you shouldn't yet even be entering into any of that..

Because, at this point, it's about getting in sync, learning each other's respective pace and adjusting accordingly. Giving only as much as they will readily take and, simultaneously, listening to and hearing them, being demonstrative of all of that.

Obviously, some people are real good at all of this. They do it in a way that just makes it all look so simple. They read people & establish report in a relatively quick & efficient process. Still, it doesn't change the basic fact of how there are discrete steps involved.

Once you fully appreciate that, & commit to it; only then can you really begin to go on about how receptive someone is or isn't to whatever you're selling. And, of course, after you repeat that process a few thousand times over; okay, then you have some better idea of the innate marketability of some particular product.

So, yes, it’s fair to say that many woman, if not most people-in general, don’t like being approached by strangers. (Does anyone? What’s your reaction to seeing an unfamiliar number on your caller-ID? It’s a nuisance, an imposition, etc… ) However, the very object of the exercise in an introduction is to be able to move past that phase relatively quickly. In that sense, virtually every human relationship begins the same way, between two strangers meeting as such.

Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
"...In situations and at places where women are generally more open to being approached (i.e. bars, pubs, clubs, parties) large women are a rarity. In effect, by staying home, many large women take themselves out of the dating pool. BBW events ameliorate this situation for a certain demographic only."
You’re right in that there are situations where it's not really appropriate to ask someone out or hit on them. Probably many fewer where a simple, polite introduction is either frowned upon, or otherwise necessarily viewed within a context of some suspicion.

However, it bears mentioning here that where lots "shy guys" tend to go wrong is in the idea of just perpetually looking at someone, staring & then looking away, without any word at all. Honestly, that frightens people, is more (vaguely) threatening in general, worse than any ham-handed type of approach. Really, that is a case of a shy person doing what's easiest, less-painful, etc...just for them. And necessarily at the expense of the feelings, comfort, etc...of the person they're dealing with.

Seriously. If you see someone who you find more than mildly physically attractive, or even if they’re just a bit odd or different-looking, and you think you just might be a bit tempted to stare; instead, force yourself to first say something, like "Hey, how's going?...

Or, "Excuse me, ... as you're walking past. Or even as a guy interacting with other guys, just a simple verbal acknowledgement delivered in the appropriately warm, relaxed tone can be very disarming.

Also, I can appreciate the point of how for lots of guys, perhaps most average guys, that approaching women in the type of situations where it’s more expected feels easier, more comfortable. However, again, that something seems-easier, more comfortable, ect… is not really the same as it being advantageous. And so, hypothetically, for whatever group of people tends to take themselves out of that kind of milieu (night club, singles-event, mixer party, live music venue, etc…) it doesn’t really reduce the level of opportunity for connecting with them as such; but, in actuality, widens or broadens the range of it.

Of course, if you're not prepared to take advantage in those kind of situations, then it probably makes no difference either way...
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