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Old 10-09-2015, 05:47 PM   #1
rocketman3214
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 5
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Default Fat Fetish: Anxiety, Fantasy, Intrusive thought

This is a somewhat personal, anxiety-related post. I'm going to be as honest as I can because I would like any help I could get. I'm already seeing a psychologist. She knows I have a fat fetish, and that I have intrusive thoughts, but I haven't really told her about this.

About a week or so ago, I was lying in bed, about to go to sleep, and I just let my imagination run wild. I started fantasizing about the craziest things related to my fetish. It started with fat girls in general, calling them piggy, feeding them, etc. I then thought of one girl I know, began imagining myself fattening her up until just the thought of "fattening up someone to death" popped into my head. I immediately tried to stop fantasizing and began feeling nauseous. This thought was intrusive, I've never purposefully thought of that sexually (i'm not a murderer and I never want to be, so you can see why this might've been somewhat tormenting as a thought to someone with already extreme anxiety). I actually almost threw up that night thinking of it.

Anyways, days go by, I tell my psych that my anxiety's getting worse, and so she suggests that I meditate. I've been meditating twice a day, everyday, and it seems to have helped with diminishing my stress tremendously. However, a couple days ago, as I was masturbating, the "fattening to death" phrase popped into my head and I felt very uncomfortable. I would never want to fatten someone to death in real life. You can imagine how confusing and tormenting it is for me because the word "fatten" turns me on in and of itself. I just want this thought to go away. I'm not trying to repress it, it's just been lingering in the back of my mind.

I have a girlfriend who is a pretty big girl. We have both agreed that we don't want a feeding/gaining relationship, but she is aware that I have fantasies from time to time. I love and care for her tremendously and only want the best for her. I would certainly never want to "fatten her to death." That's not something I would ever fantasize on. I've always had a problem with thought policing, but it's getting better. I just want this thought to float away.
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