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Old 05-19-2016, 11:18 AM   #9
squeezablysoft
 
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
I was always a hungry kid probably why I was over thirty pounds at my one year old check-up. My parents did a pretty good job of getting me to eat fairly reasonably, with a mix of how much they gave me and constant coaching on what wed now call EQ delaying snacks, having just a small snack, etc. Ive sometimes summarized the main message I got growing up as You can have as many cookies as you want; but you should only want one. (and wanting approval, Id just have one, even though I so desperately wanted more)

Sometimes I wonder if my path to FA-ness was simply seeking someone who would only go with the first part of that sentence You can have as many cookies as you want. By this line of reasoning, I thought that the only people who would value being fat and indulging a large appetite were others who were fat and indulged a large appetite, so clearly I should look for another fat person. Supporting evidence for this line of reasoning was that my first pseudo-sexual fantasies were about myself, the chubby neighbor boy, and the two heaviest girls in my grade six class having a sort of weight gain club, and Id map out how over the years wed learn to gain faster and faster, and when we finished high-school the fattest boy would get to date the fattest girl (my romantic/sexual imagination was not well developed back then and may have been mostly inspired by Archie comics).

Im not at all sure that this is why I like what I like, but it would make a nice convenient explanation. (Im usually suspicious of simple explanations for any human behavior/preferences, which is why Im not convinced).
Yep, this. It's interesting to hear a man's perspective on growing up as a chubby child with a strong appetite, I always felt a lot of the stuff I went through with that was gender-related, you know, "good girls don't...". When I was really little I bugged my parents for food all the time (when I was still a baby, about 1.5, I somehow managed to get into the refrigerator, Mom says she found me stuffing wee baby handfuls of cherry tomatoes into my mouth and giggling hysterically), but once I got to be 5-ish and started realizing what was expected of me, I couldn't bring myself to utter the words "I'm hungry" even though I was more often than not. Didn't want to bother Mommy with having to stop what she was doing to feed me all the time, didn't want ppl to think I was a fat, greedy, little hungry piggy.

Still whenever I got the chance away from my parents I'd stuff myself, parties and the vending machines at school (thank God I finished secondary school pre-Obamas) were like manna from heaven. We had these knock-off Oreo things, that came in round tubes about the size of one sleeve in a standard Oreo package, abut 8" long, I would eat a couple of those plus a little bag of Doritos plus 3-4 candies plus my lunch (in the good old days when pizza and french fries were plentiful and ketchup counted as a veggie ). When my parents were away I'd raid the kitchen and scarf up cheese by the block and peanut butter by the spoonful. Nothing makes you question the meaning of life and your own existence quite like sucking pancake syrup and salad dressing straight from their respective bottles all whilst keeping your ears cocked for the imminent arrival of the familial food police, or panicking when you come home from school and realize your mom cleaned your room while you were gone, because she might have found your sweets stash. I'm surprised I hardly ever got caught, idk if I was just that good at being sneaky or if my parents knew but didn't say anything or what.

Since I've come to live with my godparents it's gotten worse, they are health-food junkies, but weirdly I find they've started loosening up with me food-wise in the past few days, there was an incident where I felt sick from getting too hungry (bizarre I know but it happens to me) that they witnessed which may be part of it (I still can't bring myself to ask for food outside of mealtimes but I know I really should have on this day). I know when I start college I'm gonna go nuts at first with my new-found food freedom, I'm really looking forward to it but also the idea of completely losing control scares me just a little. Just a few days ago I was watching a YouTube documentary about "half-ton man" Patrick Deuel and I was just floored when one of the obesity doctors said most ppl can go 6-8 hours between meals (http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...6&postcount=44), cause I am usually either still hungry after eating or hungry again within an hour or two after a "normal size meal". Even when I was very young restricting what/how much I ate felt like holding my breath and being able to eat without restrictions felt like finally coming up for air. That is how I've felt my whole life, like I'm holding my breath 24/7 for other's approval, bt when I'm alone I can finally breathe (binge) which comes with great relief and pleasure, but also some guilt and shame and fear of being discovered, of everyone knowing I'm not the good little girl who is never hungry after all, that I am just a big, fat, greedy pig. Is this just me, anybody else (Tad?) feel this way? Wow, I feel like I've just had a therapy session or something, hope my insurance covers this, lol.
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Addicted to Big Boys and Reese's PB Cups. Mostly FFA, but enjoy my own padding and if people want to worship me for that, I'll let them.
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