Thread: FFA question
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Old 02-22-2017, 12:56 AM   #24
ODFFA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSensible View Post
All I would say to an FFA on the verge of a prospective relationship is to gauge the situation and be patient if the BHM seems to be taking things slow. If he grew up fat (as many of us did), chances are he will be harboring a sizable amount of emotional baggage and it can take some time to get through it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra Verde View Post
The only thing I would say is to be mindful of the fact that someone might be far more traumatized than they appear and try to be empathetic, but really, that's a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with anyone.
This point you have both made is a clincher. I guess I'm somewhat fortunate in the sense that I can relate to something traumatic affecting my romantic/sex life, even if mine doesn't have all that much to do with body image.

I think being 100% clear and upfront about disclosing the FFA attraction from the start is the best approach. But after that, I've found a bit more sensitivity and subtlety was the way to go in most cases. And I've needed the same, for different reasons. So that mutuality is quite nice, and there's an understanding that goes both ways.

It's never easy though, when you have trauma reaching into future relationships. It's a bit of a tightrope walk. The traumatised one needs to make sure they're not (inadvertently) shaming the other person's needs/desires. I've been guilty of this, without realising it. And the one with the needs/desires has to make sure they're not steamrolling their partner to get them met.

Also, specific compromises come more easily to specific types of people. Sometimes you strike it lucky, sometimes it's just not gonna work. It's usually a combination of factors, rather than just one person's fault. There are always things we can improve on, but self-flagellation doesn't help anyone. Unless it's something you're into Communication all the things. That's why I was pretty excited about this topic.
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