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Old 03-04-2017, 03:54 AM   #10
TwoSwords
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 297
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Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
I think this is pretty good advice. At least at the start. If you are getting to know someone you really don't need to fixate on weight. For many women (and this is not limited to overweight women) weight is such a personal subject that if you go and blurt it out in the early stages of a relationship be prepared for her to cocoon. I learned this the hard way a few times in my early clumsy days as an FA. Thing is, you can express your appreciation for a woman's appearance easily enough without breeching this area and she'll figure out soon enough you like what you like. There are so many ways to do it without putting her on the defensive or making her suspicious.
This is why I included the word "how" in the topic title. I don't understand how it's possible to tone down the feelings sufficiently to avoid scaring people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
I made a very similar statement to OP a couple weeks ago in response to how I was able to adjust my preferences when my wife loses weight.
I remember that. The conclusion of the discussion was that we're different in this regard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
You've contradicted yourself here. Either you can learn to like something and we DO have control over feelings or we have no control.
Good point. I suppose I assumed people could learn to like new aspects of themselves because I've never disliked any aspect of myself. It was unfair of me to expect others to feel the same way.

That said, this just makes it all the more important for people to be open with each other, so that they can head off these problems right away, and if there's a deep incompatibility like this one, move on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
Personally I believe we do have control, and those who exercise that control generally are far more able to adjust to society and the realities around them.
We discussed this already. Just because you feel that you're able to do this, doesn't mean the same is true of everyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
People may have less ability to control their initial reaction to something, but we do possess the ability to think critically and change the way we see something.
Oh, no question! However, this has absolutely no effect on how we feel, emotionally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
In answer to your initial question you have a certain feeling, a preference or attraction for "fat" but when you really get into it and think about SOMEONE ELSE...
Actually, I'm glad you brought this up, because I've been thinking all night about how I didn't sufficiently address this in Tracii's first reply.

When I say "I" or "me" in the opening post, I should have written "I and those like me." This isn't just about me. No problem is unique.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
...you may conclude going straight there may alienate her...
Why would that concern me? No one's even gone to the trouble of trying to avoid alienating me, and I put up with it every day, from every angle, in every discussion and every piece of media I observe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
and therefore change not the way you feel about your preference but the way you feel about expressing it.
This point, I have not conceded. If Shakespeare, Byron and Cummings are permitted to make and share beautiful works in praise of the kinds of beauty that they can appreciate, I see no reason why I can't do the same.

I've been dancing around this issue since I got here, but I really think it's the most important issue of all to resolve with regard to this topic. I've heard people say they want fat people to be treated like everyone else, but half the time, I get conflicting messages about this. It's like, on the one hand, people want fatness normalized, and on the other hand, they want the license to continue condemning those who don't feel ashamed of it.

I didn't come here to help rearrange the seats at the popular kids' table. I've never been at that table, and I've never wanted to be, because that's where people sit, who look down on the geeks and other unpopular folks. I don't think we should look down on anyone. We should look with admiration on those who do great work, and on people who commit crimes, we should have the mercy to help them overcome their evil, and to teach them what they need to know. When we can find loveliness in the world, we should draw strength and inspiration from it, and when we can't, we should move on, and let others see the loveliness that we can't see.

I belong to at least five groups that it's still considered acceptable to discriminate against in society, and that's why, even though I sometimes feel disgusted with people, I always try to treat them well. Are we really ready to accept legitimate differences as normal, or does our sentimental revulsion come first?
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