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Old 03-04-2017, 07:24 PM   #18
happily_married
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Virginia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
It's not that I think you can't. I just have some strong doubts, because my own experiences have run so much against that; not just in my own life, but in the lives of those around me. I rarely encounter people whose emotional stimuli changes over the course of years, or even decades.
Doubt away but you're applying your baseline to me. Fundamentally wrong, partner. I'm a completely different person than you so basing what you believe about my ability to do something on your own ability to do (or not do) something is as flawed as it gets.

To be fair, we all normalize everything to our own selves. But at some point you have to take a step back and recognize that you are not universal and what's normal to you is not necessarily normal to someone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
I'm calling this right now, because I see this word used a lot, and I want to point out that it's not often used correctly. The word "fetish" specifically pertains to either a sexual obsession, or to an inanimate object. For me, it's not especially sexual. Oh, it is an obsession, but it's more like what I was saying about the ocean or the grand canyon, or a nature hike. We appreciate the beauty of these things without necessarily feeling sexual about them.
Fetish: a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

That's the definition on google. Based on that definition I've used the word correctly. Remember how I used the word: I wasn't suggesting your attraction is a fetish, I was referring to women who have encountered men who seemed to have fetishes and thus had defenses up. How this relates to you is that your initial question and the lack of tact involved will most likely result in those defenses going up.

Ironically enough, I recently reconnected with a friend who I tried to date years ago. I was still a bit clumsy back then, still learning how to treat bigger girls: that they don't need you to assure them you like their ht/wt, but just treat them like you would a normal girl. At any rate sometime last year I asked why she abruptly broke contact with me way back when. She said on one of our first meetings I'd mentioned liking her weight, saying something about it being very appealing to me. She gave me a general explanation back then, but this was the first time I'd heard specifics. I remember exactly what she was talking about and to me it was a benign comment. To her it was a red flag because even though I seemed sincere she had been burned by a couple other guys who also seemed sincere.

(Fun fact: I wound up getting married before she did, and when we first connected again on FB she saw I'd married a bigger woman and was all I missed out! But she's in a good place now too. )

You may indeed be sincere in your expression, but to a woman who doesn't know you, you can't blame them for applying their own past experiences to you. After all, you did the exact same thing to me, didn't you? Remember: they don't know you so they don't know if you're sincere or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
Speaking personally...
You're only one part of the equation. If you want to meet someone and grow together you have to recognize that their preferences have to matter even more than your own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
"Who they are." Who is this, exactly? I've said this before. A person is a rational animal, composed of a union of soul and body, and it does no good to ignore half of that composition, and still expect that the relationship will be based on "who you are."
But you don't know how she thinks. You may catch lightening in a bottle and meet that one who agrees with you. But there's a lot of women out there who make a distinction between the "who" and the "what." For example, she may say, "I'm a fat woman." (what) but also "I'm a person named ____." (who). Do you see the difference?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
Does a lack of tact kill someone? Does it steal from someone, deceive them, cause enviousness, or otherwise commit some crime against them?
No of course not. But tact can be the difference between an abrupt end to a first date or a marriage 11+ years and counting. Ask me how I know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
I'm legitimately trying to understand what the connection is here between tact and ethics, and I'm drawing a blank. It sounds like you're referring to sentiment, which has nothing to do with ethics, but I don't want to put words in your mouth. Please explain.
It's not hard to understand unless you have committed yourself to overthinking things. Tact is the difference between having a bit of social grace or being either a colossal douche nozzle or socially inept.

And I'm not referring to sentiment or ethics. I'm referring to the reality that if you proceed without concern for another's feelings, you lack tact and are likely in one of the two alternative groups I've identified. Don't overthink things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
Then I'm doomed to be alone, because I could never commit to a relationship with anyone unless we were of one mind on this.
Then I would have to consider you extremely superficial and shallow. After all, we'd say the same thing about anyone who did not want his partner to gain weight after he had committed to her. A committed relationship presumably lasts over time and over time physical changes take place. And a physical attraction is the genesis of this conversation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
Keep in mind what I said before. I'm already having emotional trouble because of how much and how long I've sat on the expressions of these feelings, and with every new "sighting" that goes unexpressed, those feelings grow more unbearable. Do you really think that I could knowingly place myself in a position where, for 7 years, I would find those feelings building and building like a volcano; not just every couple of weeks, or every month, but every second that I'm in the home, and never, ever getting to express them, in the hopes that one day I might be permitted to share them with someone?

I've heard that love and beauty warm the heart of others. For me, they're a consuming fire, and I'm always burning. If anything that you've just said is true, my best bet is to become a hermit.
Then step out and try it your way. It didn't work for me but thankfully I learned and grew. Maybe it'll work for you.
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