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Old 03-06-2017, 06:46 PM   #31
TwoSwords
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 298
TwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going on
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
It went from "don't mention her weight" .....as in when you first meet to "I want to write sonnets". There is a time frame that I don't see you regarding/addressing.
You're right. I didn't address the timing of these two things. I didn't mean for them to be taken simultaneously. My point here was to outline the difference between starting point and finish line. I can totally appreciate that you might want to save the more direct compliments (even compliments in general) for a few weeks; maybe a month or two, but keep in mind that the longer I spend around certain people, the harder it gets to maintain that middle-ground-attitude. I've actually had times, in the past, where I've needed to keep excusing myself from a discussion, and leave the room to get my heart rate back down. That's manageable in small doses, but for anything of a longer term, it's got to be more than that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
It's a fumbly, rude, no-thought-behind-it-at-all, assuming, selfish, buffoon type of question....and it tells her, ever more quickly than your johnson is moving, that you have nothing that special about you. Why? Because you put NO effort into your approach.
Beauty isn't made of numbers. Not sure what you mean about Johnson, but I can't think of anything that takes more effort than trying to pretend I'm not going nuts inside when I meet someone pretty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
You think she's special somehow? What do you have to offer her? Certainly not polite conversation or regard for her personal comfort in your presence.
What a paradox this is! How can there be such focus on emotional comfort, when so few people respect the feelings of others?

Don't get me wrong. I'd love for this to be different. If I felt it were safe or helpful to seriously comfort the feelings of others; help them feel safe, listen to them vent, etc, I am quite capable of it, but the problem is that the people in my life (with maybe one or two exceptions,) don't respond well to that kind of treatment. Mostly, they seem to take it for granted, and rarely afford the same courtesies to others.

This is why I question the worth of tact. It's not that I think a tactless world is more pleasant or more comfortable. Far from it. I'm just not sure it's going to get the job done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
How can you write someone a sonnet when you can't make the effort to have a normal polite conversation in the beginning. Good things take time....and are worth the effort.
Let me tell you about effort. In my first real job, there was a woman who I thought was particularly lovely. I never shied away from her, I was never rude to her, and I tried the best I could to be her friend. I asked her about her interests. I talked to her about her family. I happily accepted her help in (and helped her with) work. This went on for several weeks before I said anything more.

My first minor compliment was met with a look, as though I had three heads. I attempted others, with greater subtlety, but nothing seemed to draw more than a baffled expression out of her.

In my last three months on the job, she'd begun losing weight (which was her prerogative, of course,) and seemed happy about it. I never overtly argued with her about it, but I did try a few remarks to see if I could draw out some kind of hidden feeling, compatible with mine. It never worked. She went on with her life, and I bare her absolutely no ill will. It's her life, and I hope she's had a happy one since then, even if it can't be with me.

This situation lasted for months and months of the most intense, burning, emotional reflux I've ever experienced, and I got basically no opportunity to really express myself in exchange for my investment of effort and time. However, the experience taught me the most important lesson that the soft-sell tactic doesn't work. When a person has feelings that are committedly against mine, no amount of subtlety or politeness helps. You just have to learn what kind of person they are fast, and then, if it looks like there's hope, pursue further. If this was unwise or incorrect, or if I drew my conclusion too hastily, please tell me, because as far as I know, all that effort went to waste. I took the time to find out who she was, and who she was, was a person whose natural tendencies and feelings were completely incompatible with mine.

P.S.: No, this is not the only experience that I've had in testing out various approaches to discussion on a member of the opposite sex. Many, however, follow this same, or a similar pattern.
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