View Single Post
Old 03-09-2017, 02:46 PM   #83
TwoSwords
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 291
TwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going onTwoSwords knows EXACTLY what's going on
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tad View Post
Two-Swords, you sound like you are all three types (although on the auto-FA side I'm not so clear if your own fat is sexual for you or not),
It's not. The feeling of fat in one or both of my hands provides an overwhelming sense of comfort and relief from stress, which helps me to relax and not worry so much for a while. At the moment, it's my only really sure defense against the inner stresses I was discussing earlier, though I do, of course, have other methods. It is definitely a feeling, and a strong one, but not sexual in nature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tad View Post
This creates a cognitive dissonance -- having two competing ideas in ones mind at once (he thinks I'm beautiful / I know I'm fugly, or whatever). Cognitive Dissonance is uncomfortable, and the most common reaction is to reject one of those concepts so we can get back to a more comfortable state.
I kind of already know what's causing the problem. The only issue is in finding a solution.

This is why I mentioned scenarios in which I stop what I'm doing to listen to how someone's day went, or tolerate and answer their questions about my day, without looking gloomy. I face situations all the time that make me uncomfortable by nature, because I want to do right by the ones I love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tad View Post
It isn't being as open or effusive as you might like, but it can get your compliment accepted and you leave the encounter with her more likely to be happy and hopefully you can too.
It just occurred to me that you might mean for this paragraph to be a guide to basic introductions, in which case, much of what I'm about to say isn't relevant. Introductions are prior to the compliment phase (normally.) If, however, you mean for this to apply to longer-term or progressing relationships of the compliment phase and beyond, then...

Sorry, but... When I use a word, I mean it in precisely the way I use it. So, when I use the word "purpose," or the words "no choice," I mean them in precisely this way. I can divide my expressions into portions if necessary, but I'm afraid that no portion can be acceptable to a person who's already rejected my aesthetics in any sort of committed way. She doesn't necessarily have to be an FA herself, but if she's not, her feelings about fatness would need to be very minor; like something she doesn't think about much, or doesn't think is a big deal, because no one who hates an aspect of themselves; much less one that lies so centrally in my emotional state, can ever be happy with my kind of attention.

Besides, if I want to avoid expressing my feelings, the easiest way is to avoid the direct cause of those feelings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tad View Post
i.e. you see a fat woman who you think is gorgeous. Take a moment to take in the details, and compliment one of those that seems like it may be something she would take pride in. "I love that dress on you, it is great!" "Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say that I love the colour of your hair" "Hey Sarah, your makeup is amazing today" "Those Doctor Who leggings are amazing, that is so fun!" (after having been wished a good day) "Thanks -- coming here for coffee and a smile always helps get it off to a good start."
I'm seeing dress, color, hair, makeup, leggings, coffee, and smile... Everything that isn't helpful in expressing my feelings. In fact, some of these remarks would be deceptive in my case, since the only kinds of clothing I have any real feeling about are winter coats and hoop skirts.

Well... Glasses too, depending on whether you consider them clothing.

I can totally understand using some of these remarks as early-stage compliments, until you can determine whether the person is compatible, but I'd probably need a good half-hour of squeezing my arm to ignore the tension that would build from having such staggering feelings, and expressing everything but those feelings. As I've said before, possible in small doses, but it wouldn't work for a longer period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tad View Post
And then walk away, don't expect it to start a conversation, be reciprocated, or even acknowledged. But you've shown that someone appreciates some of how they present themselves, and that is a start.
Meaning, an introduction of sorts. I've done those before, and they're not that hard. Still, I prefer to learn the truth about the other person's feelings quickly, so I know whether I have any reason for making myself suffer further.
TwoSwords is offline