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Old 02-05-2018, 06:54 PM   #180
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 7
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My gut response is to say I've accepted it but I think it's a bit more murky than that for me right now. I associate "hating" my fat with the bitterness I felt for it as a kid/pre-teen/teen; the desperation to get skinny, all the things I did to my body in order to fit it's unwieldiness into a predetermined box. That hate had nothing to do with a desire to be healthy but to be "normal" and was compounded by a few Lifetime movies worth of other issues.

I'm probably in the acceptance kiddie pool at this point in my life. I put clothes on my body that feel good, not just ones that help hide the more jiggly bits; I'm open to a relationship & don't believe my weight negates that possibility or makes me nothing more than a potential fetish. I know what weight I feel miserable at (health wise), what weight I start feeling stronger and more capable at. When I'm more around the latter number, it's easier to manage so it's easier to feel like my life isn't limited. I think my insecurity has probably just shifted to a different focal point with age? Instead of it being about fitting into this box that I was always supposed to be aiming for, I don't want to waste time being limited. So yeah, if there was a 'skinny pill' at the ready, I'd down it. If only to get a different perspective and to have the freedom to feel like my weight is a choice rather than a limitation.
"I went away in my head, into a book. That was where I went whenever real life was too hard or too inflexible." Neil Gaiman
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