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Old 04-13-2007, 07:33 PM   #66
HeatherBBW's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Walnut, California
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HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!HeatherBBW has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default Yeah, I want to be huge and maybe I'm crazy, but I sure feel fine.

There were so many responses to the original topic that it was hard for me to jump in on each response I wanted to make to different people. So I've decided just to make a post of my own touching on some things I've read and my own personal choices and opinions. I'm not saying I am right or that I'm wrong, I'm just going to try to be honest so maybe there will be some understanding. I think there isn't enough representation from my perspective.

Bah.. now my mind just went haywire and thoughts are floating all over the place. I'll try not to make this post a huge run-on sentence.

I guess I'll start out with one of the things that really make me angry. I am angered when I see feeders condemned for their preferences. It seems there is the urban legend of the evil man carrying donuts who feeds his unwillingly but wanting to be loved partner to immobility and then leaves her for the next gal to fatten. Honestly, I've been in this "fat scene" for a long time and I've only seem one incident of such behavior and quite frankly, the guy was just an asshole the girl, well she just wanted his asshole attention at any cost.

Not every feeder/feedee situation is destructive... not every situation is forced... not every situation is of a domination/submission type relationship... not every situation involves two people... I myself... have gotten fat on my own...

So those who make such judgements that feeders are this evil non-caring group of (it always seems to be) men..... who have you to blame for the hundreds of pounds that I've put on?

What the hell is she talking about... Noone fattened her up? Isn't her partner a feeder? The answer is no and no I wish.

So maybe I'm mental, but as stated above, I sure feel fine. I feel like I am balanced and can look at things objectively. That doesn't stop my extreme fantasies and my desire to live them out.

I've wanted to be fat since I can remember. My most vivid memories are from around age 8 when I'd put on clothes of bigger adults and stuff them and stand in the mirror wondering what it would feel like to be fatter. Some say this behavior must have been triggered by something in my childhood. From all of my digging into my past, I can't say that I can recall anything that clicked on my "wanna be fat" button. I used to see fat ladies and wonder what it felt like to be in their bodies. Maybe like a young girl wonders what it would it feel like to have breasts when she first sees her mom topless. All I know, is I've definitely always felt that fat is feminine and I wanted to be fatter. VERY much fatter.

Growing up I was made fun of like every other fat kid. For me, it was hell and heaven at once. I can't explain it, but being teased was horrible on an embarassment level but it was also stimulating because it reminded me that I was indeed fat. I did feel like I had some power over those bullies though, because in my own mind, I felt like they just "didn't get it". I felt like I had some secret they didn't know and they were just in the dark. Is this unstable? I am really not a shrink, but I know it got me through those rough years and situations.

So I am 33 years old and 470ish pounds. In my life I've dated LOTS of FAs. I've been lucky enough to be in the fat media and have made lots of friends which led to many dates. I probably dated more feeders then I realized, but the only ones I shared anything weight gain related with and sometimes on very small levels (a secret or two here and there) were 3. I'd say that is a minimal number and they certainly couldn't be "blamed" for my fatness.

Honestly, getting fatter was a lonely journey for me. I often yearned to share my deep thoughts with someone and have them agree with me or understand me. Even after finding Dimensions and finding weight gain stories and the like, I still felt like it was too private and I couldn't share. Sure, I've taken food pictures and posted the results of my weight gain. But it's all very easily hidden in my modeling work. There are many girls who take such images that aren't "into it" but are catering to an audience of enthusiasts, it's their job.

It hasn't been until very recently that I've finally been able to type/share on these forums a few of my inner thoughts and I think that is because for the first time (very recently) in my adult sexual life, I've actually been able to tell a lover my thoughts/desires on the subject and have them be on the very same page. This is very enlightening and it made me feel less alone... and more importantly it made me feel open enough about it all to finally share. So here I am.

Extremes. For some it may be fantasy and some it may be reality. Those who choose whatever path for whatever reason... should be exactly that.. their choice. I myself personally thought that when I reached 300 lbs that I'd finally feel huge and fat. Well, I got there... and I didn't. Am I obsessed with being fat? Maybe. I don't know. I just know what is stimulating to me and I can't take it away. I do know, that it's my body and my choice. I've purposely gained since grade school and I've no intentions or an upper limit. I figure I will take things as they come. Do I fantasize about being as big as a king size bed? Absolutely! Is it actually possible? I don't know. Will I try to get that fat? We'll see. It's all very unknown. But I do know that I can't wait to be 500 lbs. I do know that I've given up things in my life in regards to mobility and places I can fit or enjoy... I've made those decisions with a level head. I think everyone has a Pro/Con list in their brains when making decisions, consider my decision making along this line. There are some things that I am limited in that are completely frustrating but very exciting at the same time. Like walking up stairs, bah, what a pain in my fat ass... but.. woah.. I'm so fat that they are hard... make any sense? I sit in a too small chair in a restaurant.. I'm pissed that they don't have better accomodations for bigger people and I'm not comfy... but I'm reminded of my size... hot... very hot. Make any sense? Probably not... but that's the thing... if you aren't into it... it shouldn't make sense and it should be hard for you to judge these reactions if you don't know what it's like to be and the choices I've made.

Blah, there are so many other things to be said here. I just feel... like of all places... there has to be other people like me out there... who think like me... or at least understand me... instead... in the past thread I seen there is lots of confusion, miscommunication, misunderstanding... and I don't want to feel that "am I the only one?" feeling anymore...

I feel like I totally F-ed up this post, there is just too much to say and if we were all sitting in a room, I could easily express myself. But in a post.. it's too hard to do.

In closing, I do remember one thing that kept on being mentioned about the tube feeding picture and how only unstable women posted in such a situation.... well I've participated in tube feeding and guess what.... I wasn't being degraded by anyone... because there was no one else there. I wasn't submissive to anyone, I wasn't being forced and as far as pictures are concerned, I've thought about doing a set for my site in such a pose... but it's pretty personal... and very hardcore and I normally don't cross such lines on my site. Maybe one day, but I do want to say, that I've done it and I enjoyed it.

Oh... I remembered another thing. For some (like myself) it really isn't mostly about the food or consumption, for me, it's about being fatter. I'd take a magic pill if there were one and bypass the food and caloric intake. But food is yummy and I do enjoy it like the next person.

Bah, I really screwed this entire post up, but I am just hitting enter. Maybe I'll look insane after all. LOL
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