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Old 05-24-2007, 03:57 AM   #21
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 5
zzz has said some nice things

Thanks a lot for these! Seems that you hit me seriously a couple of times... absolutely the best reply until now (or, at least, the closest to my heart)

Originally Posted by edx View Post
I’ve got a bunch of thoughts below. All are just my opinion, but to make them readable I didn’t put several disclaimers in each paragraph, this is the blanket disclaimer. I don’t really know squat about you, though, so they may be way out of line or irrelevant to your situation. So at best read them and see if you can find some use for the ideas, at worst say ‘what a nut job’ and move on. .

Just one thought: a bar may not be the best place to meet big girls. It is an environment almost designed to make anyone self-conscious about their appearance and feel all the more uptight. Besides which, in a bar you have almost nothing to go on besides appearance. It doesn’t sound to me like all that you care about is appearance. Hence you may do better meeting women elsewhere.

Another thing: we have a joke in my group of friends about ‘friendship fees.’ It is really the concept that sometimes you do something for a buddy not because you are crazy about it, but because you sometimes do things for friends to support or help them. You know, help them move, go to their girl-friends ballet recital, spend too much money to go see a band that you don’t care for but they adore. It sounds to me like you need to start calling in some friendship fees—more on this below.

You're right: I'll try it in the first occasion!

Another note, you say you are good looking. If you are also reasonably fit, fairly well dressed, at least average height or maybe a bit taller than that, and give the impression of having a decent job, then you may be getting hit with other’s expectations of the type of girl you would be with.

Well, I'm 185 cm tall, 85 kg, ex-sportsman & I do have a decent job.

That is, you seem fairly desirable, so they expect you to be with someone in say the ‘hottest’ (by conventional standards) third of women. Some women may therefore think ‘well he’s cute, but no way would he be interested in me because (I’m fat/ I have a big nose/flat chest/no hips/wide hips/no job/so on/ so forth). So you might be having to overcome not just your friends failure to support you in talking to the women you are interested in, but the belief of those same women that they will not get positive interest from you (or maybe your friends as well). I can’t say I ever had that problem myself, but I’ve seen a couple of friends actually go through it—they kept going out with women that they were not all that interested in, because those women were there and interested in dating them, and they never seemed to meet the ones that might interest them more.

You know, now that you put it into words I think that you could be right. However, I never thought about it: maybe, simply, because I never really thought about my appearance. And when you write like that, I really feel bad (or maybe just shy?) about myself - I don't think I'm better than anyone, it's just ridiculous if someone makes such conclusion from my appearance!

All I can really say to both of the above is to add variety to where you go and what you do, and that you may have to be more forward about approaching women on your own—that is not waiting for them to show interest in you, and doing it without the support of your friends. It could really help if you have (or can develop) any interests that are apt to attract a broad selection of women. Example: scuba diving, not so good, few BBW will have the confidence that they can do it or do it without being mocked. Lane swim at a public pool: better, a lot of women who like to be active but who’s knees would not hold up to jogging will go swimming regularly, including a fair number of BBW. Trendy club: not so good, people expect to go there and be judged on how hot they are. Local pub with reasonable food and a weekly bar trivia night: much better, as there is a good chance to chat and mingle and people of all sizes can play—and if you can get any of the staff on your side, so much the better. Or a weekly karaoke night—from what I’ve heard far more women than men tend to go to those, so drag a friend along, and be brave and sing, then you can claim sympathy from cute chubby girls afterwards who are better singers.

Yeah, this is exactly what I'm trying to do. Still, all the beautiful women are always with someone else!

If you are concerned about doing that sort of thing alone, call on a friend to go with you, calling in those friendship fees. Remember that you don’t need them to come every time. The first week or two at the pub trivia night have someone come along, but after that you are a familiar face, and you can say “my friend got bored, but I enjoy it. Anyone have an opening on their team?” or something like that. In the process you widen your circle of acquaintances. And at thirty, if anyone asks why you are not with your friends, you can say “I’m getting a bit bored with their usual circuit of clubs and sports” and most people will nod and welcome you into their activity.

I hope that was of some use to you.


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