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Old 07-27-2009, 12:49 PM   #6
It's the naughty step 4U!
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Originally Posted by disconnectedsmile View Post
i have been in this situation too many times. in fact, it's one of the things that caused my last relationship to come to a recent end.

unfortunately, i've yet to meet a girl who believes this.

i don't know if i am asexual or not, as i do have something which vaguely resembles a sexual appetite -- it's just not always active. i mean, i like sexual activities with someone i love, and i do masturbate frequently, but i don't (always) enjoy sexual intercourse. there is a reason for this.
my first relationship at age 18 saw me with a girl who repeatedly abused me sexually. (i will NOT go into further detail, so please do not ask.) it very much skewed and destroyed sex for me, and what it means.
since her, i've had a few partners (or potential partners) who, of course, wanted to be sexual with me. but when i shyed away from such acts, i was met with requests to "get over it," ultimatums (i.e. "you must not love me" or "if we can't have sex, i will have to walk out on you"), or attempts to get me to discuss my first relationship, which is not exactly something i relish doing (i have had panic attacks in the past when discussing this).

trying to come to terms with my sexuality (or lack thereof) is hard enough, but when i couple that with the notion that i've yet to meet a girl who can potentially understand where i am coming from on the subect, rather than push me for "sex sex sex" when i am not ready, i find myself asking the (admittedly) melodramatic question: "will i die alone?"
Hi there,

I have been thinking about your post and I don't think you are A sexual. I think you have just had such an awful experience that it has emotionally scarred you and ruined your sex life. I have a friend (she was actually an old colleague of mine) who disclosed a very personal story to me one evening we were working together. She was having probelms in her marriage with her husband because he had a much higher sex drive than her and he was becoming frustrated with her refusing his advances.

I asked her if she wanted to talk to me saying a problem shared etc... anyway she told me that she didn't enjoy sex at all and every time she has had sex with her husband she has felt uncomfortable and it was something she just did and got over with it to satisfy him by pretending she was into it. She told me when she was a girl around 12 or 13 years she was having a sleep over at her friends house when she woke up in the middle of the night with her friends dad sexually abusing her. He was on top of her and was penetrating her. She woke up with the pain in her vagina. She ran out of the house in the middle of the night in her night gown and home to her parents. Her dad saw her with blood on the front of her nightdress and when she told him what happened he went to the girls house and beat her friends father up. It was all a mess and handled very badly by my friends parents. On so many levels the handling of the abuse screwed her up just as much as the abuse itself.

Any way, after this she never had sex again until she married her husband. She thought she was over it because she fancied him and felt sexually aroused when he flirted with her, kissed her and touched her breasts. He knew she was shy and thought she was saving herself for marriage. She thought that when she had sex with him she would be able to enjoy it and put the past behind her. She couldn't and had never really faced up to how she had been devastated by this until her marriage was deteriorating.

This coupled with the fact that my friends parents never reported the man, he was never punished by law, he was beaten by her father and then it was never spoken of again by anyone. Her parents swept it under the carpet and told her 'you don't speak of these things'. She was never told that it wasn't her fault or 'that man was bad' NOTHING!

I totally believe that when you meet the right person with whom you develop trust and intimacy you will get over your sexual problems. You need to feel complete trust and security in your relationship first. The women you have experienced up until now have not been very understanding and that is their loss. It's totally psychological because of what happened to you. If you meet someone you really trust and desire then you will decide whether it is right to talk about your past with them. If my girlfriend told me she had a bad experience that affected her but she didn't want to talk about it. I would respect that and not push her. Although I might worry that something I did not know I might do or say that would remind her of what happened. For example, if someone had grabbed her by the throat and then I put my hand around her neck as a joke. I'm using this as an example because Mergirl has a fear of choking and I did this to her once and she cried because she got a fright. I ended up feeling really bad. I think if she had warned me that this was something she didn't like then it would never have happened, but then how was she to know that I'd do such a thing.

You know there could be things that happened to you like name calling for example, then a partner your with might use a name in a teasing way or as a joke and you could have hurtful memories turn you off or make you feel withdrawn. If you establish a set of likes and dislikes at the start of a relationship then these things would be less likely to occur.

I don't think you will end up alone. You sound very sensitive and caring and I'm sure you'll meet someone who's right for you. Besides your very cute
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