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Old 01-04-2009, 03:02 AM   #26
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Hi Cor

I will look for instances of BBW being judged because they have a lack of confidence, I mostly see support being given to them.

I also think that when a person says that they are attracted to confidence in a person that it is a too general and absolute of a statement. We do not know the type of confidence or the degree that the speaker is talking about.

Men do not speak out about many things and stereotypes are created that they do not care about many issues.

In the case of Fat Men in Fat Acceptance ever since they decided to participate as more than just Fat Admirers they have made it quite clear that being Fat is a issue for them.

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Originally Posted by Cors View Post
Hi William,

I don't tend to hang out the BHM/FFA board as much, but I haven't came across any examples of straight BHMs getting criticized for being insecure. I have, however, seen FAs and FFAs expressing how it can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with a self-loathing partner and threads in which "FA angst" is showcased as trivial compared to what a BBW or BHM goes through.

Confidence is one of those traits almost everyone, not just FAs and FFAs desires in a partner. However, it is impossible to expect anyone to be completely satisfied with themselves and I find that most people are accepting of someone who isn't overly negative.

Men are generally less bothered with their weight and looks compared to women and they don't tend to articulate their concerns. Over time it just perpertuates the stereotype that males don't care, making it even more difficult for someone to speak up.
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Old 01-04-2009, 10:26 AM   #27
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No arguing you two!
heh.

What do I look for in a BHM?
Well, as a chunky chick, I really adore bigger guys that are able to make me feel somewhat smaller and more feminine.
I'm pretty easy though. I think as long as you're not a D-bag, i'm probably gonna like you.
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Old 01-06-2009, 10:03 AM   #28
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Hi

I brought this up on another forum. Why are straight BHMs the only people in Fat Acceptance that must have self-confidence or are not allowed to have any lack of self-confidence?

BBWs, Fat Gay Men, Lesbians and tran-gender people are all allow to have some self-doubt or a lack of confidence. Heck even MaleFAs are allow to have doubts/ lack of confidence about dating BBWs.

It always seems that BHMs are handled differently by many in Fat Acceptance, like they feel only part of Fat Acceptance applies to BHMs.

It is good that there are quite a few people in this thread that treated BHMs as real people that are allowed the same feelings, weaknesses and strengths as everyone.

William
Willy my friend, perhaps it is best to look at what Self-confidence brings to the table not what it takes away. Many of the FFA's here who know me will tell you that my confidence is simply a big turn on. I'll let you on to a little secret, its pretty much that way for anybody regardless of size or shape, Sex or sexual orientation.

Self-confidence is the core element of strength and leadership, that most all of us human social animals gravitate too. Your not going to follow your tribal leader into a situation where he demonstrates no confidence in being successful are you? Yet, time has proven that the right leader can rally his men (and women) into a kamikaze run because it will give a result that is desired in the end even if it end in your death. Waco Texas, and Jonestown come to mind and they didn't even ask them them to fight, just die...I can guarantee you that being Self-confident and Charismatic (a byproduct of self-confidence) will bring more of everything into persons life, money, sex, power, friends, people just gravitate to it like sheep. Its how we are made even when it makes us follow a complete nut job our genetics tell us its right because we have a strong leader in front of us, and if you are not firmly grounded in yourself it is so very easy to follow someone who is without question.

So personally I don't think it matters if self-confidence is attractive to an FFA, BHM, Gay, Strait, or Lez. Self-confidence is the only thing that can and will ground myself in my own choices because I know my choices are made as best as I can as an independent thinker. You have to be able to lead yourself before anybody else will want to follow. All other benefits however, totally, and completely real; are incredibly secondary.

I'm not saying I am a man of steel here, we all have insecurities, but for the most part, I try to stay out of that head space cause it does me no good to dwell on something I can do nothing about....and if I can do something about it why would I be insecure? Just get up and do something about it.

Anyways, that's just my 2 cents. Good luck on your quest for understanding.
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Old 01-06-2009, 12:08 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by krismiss View Post
What do I look for in a BHM?
Well, as a chunky chick, I really adore bigger guys that are able to make me feel somewhat smaller and more feminine.
I'm pretty easy though. I think as long as you're not a D-bag, i'm probably gonna like you.
I wouldn't say you're that easy... at least, not in a bad way.
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Old 01-06-2009, 02:16 PM   #30
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Eccentricity ( I like em quircky!), charm (Sweep me off my feet!), intelligence (Teach me, inspire me,engage me!) and a sense of humour (Make me laugh, make me smile!).
And ofcourse a big heart. (Melt me!)
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Old 01-06-2009, 03:17 PM   #31
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Eccentricity ( I like em quircky!), charm (Sweep me off my feet!), intelligence (Teach me, inspire me,engage me!) and a sense of humor (Make me laugh, make me smile!).
And of course a big heart. (Melt me!)
Must not be me cause I"m thing to think of something funny, intelligent, witty and inspiring and all I can think about is covering myself in spaghetti hissing on the floor like a snake and watching flying Ninja Monkey's do acrobatics to the tune of The Bonanza theme song.
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Old 01-06-2009, 03:28 PM   #32
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A lots of things to work on i see
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Old 01-06-2009, 04:23 PM   #33
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Hi

I never said that confidence is not a good thing for a BHM or anyone to have.

I said that in areas like Dimensions a straight BHM that shows a lack if confidence is made into a much bigger deal than with other groups of Fat People.

There is some preconception in Fat Acceptance that Fat Men should not be affected by fat bias.

You yourself said the truth …….”we all have insecurities”………. Including BHMs

William



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Originally Posted by escapist View Post
Willy my friend, perhaps it is best to look at what Self-confidence brings to the table not what it takes away. Many of the FFA's here who know me will tell you that my confidence is simply a big turn on. I'll let you on to a little secret, its pretty much that way for anybody regardless of size or shape, Sex or sexual orientation.

Self-confidence is the core element of strength and leadership, that most all of us human social animals gravitate too. Your not going to follow your tribal leader into a situation where he demonstrates no confidence in being successful are you? Yet, time has proven that the right leader can rally his men (and women) into a kamikaze run because it will give a result that is desired in the end even if it end in your death. Waco Texas, and Jonestown come to mind and they didn't even ask them them to fight, just die...I can guarantee you that being Self-confident and Charismatic (a byproduct of self-confidence) will bring more of everything into persons life, money, sex, power, friends, people just gravitate to it like sheep. Its how we are made even when it makes us follow a complete nut job our genetics tell us its right because we have a strong leader in front of us, and if you are not firmly grounded in yourself it is so very easy to follow someone who is without question.

So personally I don't think it matters if self-confidence is attractive to an FFA, BHM, Gay, Strait, or Lez. Self-confidence is the only thing that can and will ground myself in my own choices because I know my choices are made as best as I can as an independent thinker. You have to be able to lead yourself before anybody else will want to follow. All other benefits however, totally, and completely real; are incredibly secondary.

I'm not saying I am a man of steel here, we all have insecurities, but for the most part, I try to stay out of that head space cause it does me no good to dwell on something I can do nothing about....and if I can do something about it why would I be insecure? Just get up and do something about it.

Anyways, that's just my 2 cents. Good luck on your quest for understanding.
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Old 01-06-2009, 11:18 PM   #34
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And please, not one obsessed with dieting.
what about one that is obsessed with working out?
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Old 01-07-2009, 04:33 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by William View Post
I said that in areas like Dimensions a straight BHM that shows a lack if confidence is made into a much bigger deal than with other groups of Fat People.

There is some preconception in Fat Acceptance that Fat Men should not be affected by fat bias.
Where has this been made a big deal? I've seen lots of FFA's say they are into guys with Self-Confidence. Nothing about dissing them for not having it; why we are on the topic lets not forget the controlling alpha chicks that like to have a broken a little yes man to follow them around, do what they say and kiss the ground they walk on and buy them stuff. Everybody has a place in this universe.

For those who do feel "...Fat Men should not be affected by fat bias." I recommend removing the thoughts and feelings of "Should" personally I've never seen such thinking/feelings ever help anybody. "Should" implies that there is some social structure that "one should" obey outside of his/her own value system, or it implies that you wish to impose your value system on another.

One last thought on "Fat Bias" Lol I freaking LOVE IT! That simply means those are people who I have the greatest chance at shifting there reality....sometimes that's as easy as doing a 1 handed cartwheel and split kicking over there head, sometimes its just that I'm oblivious to them cause they don't even matter that much to me lol. (Only the special ones get the martial arts show )

Once again, just my 2 cents.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:06 AM   #36
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Hi

There have been threads focusing on the confidence and/or the fragility of BHMs.

Sharing issues is the lifeblood of Fat Acceptance for BBWs and other groups of Fat People and should be no different for BHMs. An example is that Male FAs can write paragraphs of details on their issues of just dating a BBW and not receive too much negative feedback, in fact many will agree with them and there has been scores if not hundreds of threads on the subject.

The BHM/FFA Board is by comparison a place of happy topics, but the sharing of their issues by BHMs receives a far higher percentage of negative feedback.

I do not think that anything bad was said on this thread but a little more detail on what people mean when they say confidence would help, it would not make it seem like someone is setting superhuman standards.

William


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Originally Posted by escapist View Post
Where has this been made a big deal? I've seen lots of FFA's say they are into guys with Self-Confidence. Nothing about dissing them for not having it; why we are on the topic lets not forget the controlling alpha chicks that like to have a broken a little yes man to follow them around, do what they say and kiss the ground they walk on and buy them stuff. Everybody has a place in this universe.

For those who do feel "...Fat Men should not be affected by fat bias." I recommend removing the thoughts and feelings of "Should" personally I've never seen such thinking/feelings ever help anybody. "Should" implies that there is some social structure that "one should" obey outside of his/her own value system, or it implies that you wish to impose your value system on another.

One last thought on "Fat Bias" Lol I freaking LOVE IT! That simply means those are people who I have the greatest chance at shifting there reality....sometimes that's as easy as doing a 1 handed cartwheel and split kicking over there head, sometimes its just that I'm oblivious to them cause they don't even matter that much to me lol. (Only the special ones get the martial arts show )

Once again, just my 2 cents.
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Old 01-07-2009, 09:40 AM   #37
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...I do not think that anything bad was said on this thread but a little more detail on what people mean when they say confidence would help, it would not make it seem like someone is setting superhuman standards.
Well Willy I pretty much gave a pretty big breakdown on what self-confidence is but here it is broken down by Dictionary.com:
Quote:
self-con⋅fi⋅dence
   /ˌsɛlfˈkɒnfɪdəns, ˈsɛlf-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [self-kon-fi-duhns, self-]
–noun
1. realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.
2. excessive or inflated confidence in one's own judgment, ability, etc.
So its not like they can set a "Level" or some sort of expectation of "How Much" ya need. Either you have it or you don't. As a parent I try to set my kids up with experiences that teach them to trust there instincts, feelings and judgments. I know as time goes on they will develop a heightened awareness of those abilities not just in themselves but in others. I'm gonna go with fake it till you make it at the very least.

I'm not sure if you got hurt by someone or something, but your making this a WAY huge issue and its not. Its very simple, and yes it is very visible to others especially women who train themselves from birth to read someones slightest gesture in body languages that says he is sure, or unsure....I have a little bird sitting on my shoulder she says its, how you carry yourself, stand, walk, eye contact, how you post on the board. I hope that helps.

- Me
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Old 01-07-2009, 03:20 PM   #38
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My 2 cents is that Self Confidence is really in the mindset of the individual. Where I live in Maryland you would be lucky to find a big guy/girl, everyone is obsessed with health and the gym in my neck of the woods, and what BHM's and BBW's that do exist are usually shunned by the masses, which can wreak problems with anyones confidence.

I even get it at work, and I just let it roll off my back, if I have a witty comeback I say it, if I don't I ignore them. My fathers side of the family rides the weight issue with me everytime I visit, yet I tell them you should all look in the mirror, you're not skinny either, the only difference is I accept I am a big guy and I am not going to change that for anyone, except myself, and since I feel comfortable with it, why should I do something to please anyone.

Keep in mind though the media and peoples personal traits to be assholes can wreck people with little self confidence, and some people, when hammered enough tend to cave to the pressure and become submissives, and avoid direct confrontation which in turns leads to lower self confidence. I have a very dominating personality, and I don't give a damn who you are if you have issues with my belly, you have issues with me, and I will stand up for myself and anyone else.

I just wish some people wouldn't wear their weight like a badge of shame. It's not. You are who you are and the weight has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Don't make it your handicap, make it your strength.
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Old 01-07-2009, 04:06 PM   #39
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Hi

It is not about my level of confidence and I never said that I was ever a victim of the way many people in Fat Acceptance portray BHMs that have lower self-confidence.

It simple is not right. When people come into a support community they need support, not critiques about their current state of affairs.

William




Quote:
Originally Posted by escapist View Post
Well Willy I pretty much gave a pretty big breakdown on what self-confidence is but here it is broken down by Dictionary.com:


So its not like they can set a "Level" or some sort of expectation of "How Much" ya need. Either you have it or you don't. As a parent I try to set my kids up with experiences that teach them to trust there instincts, feelings and judgments. I know as time goes on they will develop a heightened awareness of those abilities not just in themselves but in others. I'm gonna go with fake it till you make it at the very least.

I'm not sure if you got hurt by someone or something, but your making this a WAY huge issue and its not. Its very simple, and yes it is very visible to others especially women who train themselves from birth to read someones slightest gesture in body languages that says he is sure, or unsure....I have a little bird sitting on my shoulder she says its, how you carry yourself, stand, walk, eye contact, how you post on the board. I hope that helps.

- Me
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Old 01-08-2009, 04:05 AM   #40
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Hi

It is not about my level of confidence and I never said that I was ever a victim of the way many people in Fat Acceptance portray BHMs that have lower self-confidence.

It simple is not right. When people come into a support community they need support, not critiques about their current state of affairs.

William
Billy, you said "a little more detail on what people mean when they say confidence would help" I gave exactly what you asked, I never made it about you either so why are you trying to make it about you now? I did say: "...your making this a WAY huge issue and its not". When I say: "she says its, how you carry yourself, stand, walk, eye contact, how you post on the board. I hope that helps." That does not mean you per say, it means any reader of the material written. All the girls said was they like confident men, and all I said truly in essence, everybody likes confidence its a great trait in anybody.

I'm saying if you don't have it, find it, learn what it is, find ways to cultivate it. Most importantly do it for you. See the value of it for you personally, not the value of it to anybody else. When I say you I mean anybody who may read this and have need of my words.

Self-confidence is what got me out the door the the first place. I had a friend of mine who said "Dude, I don't get you, if I was some big huge 400 pound guy I would sit at home all day crying myself to sleep at night with a face full of bon-bons; but look at you....you are always out dating hot chicks. How do you do it?". The answer was Self-confidence, I might not have been swimming in it, but I had enough to go out and try and hope, and keep hoping even when shot down. Eventually I started going on dates, I was lucky enough to date some very attractive women, I will admit it can help, but you have to learn to make that kind of ego boost last and be self-sustaining or you may soon find yourself crushed again as soon as she is gone.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu
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Old 01-08-2009, 05:35 AM   #41
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Not silly

In this thread the term used was Confidence, while in most threads about non-BHM Fat People it is more likely that the term "level of confidence" is used.

If you use the search function and do seperate searches on BHM & Confidence and BBW & Confidence you will see that the attitudes/Idea of the Subject Matters are quite different.

I agree with you that no one has said anything wrong in this thread and all of the FFAs here are the best!!

I just think that too many people use very general gender stereotypes to address a very specific issue of being fat. It works better for Fat Women, but not for Fat Men.

I am not making this into a huge issue, but I will answer replies that address something I said.

William

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Billy, you said "a little more detail on what people mean when they say confidence would help" I gave exactly what you asked, I never made it about you either so why are you trying to make it about you now? I did say: "...your making this a WAY huge issue and its not". When I say: "she says its, how you carry yourself, stand, walk, eye contact, how you post on the board. I hope that helps." That does not mean you per say, it means any reader of the material written. All the girls said was they like confident men, and all I said truly in essence, everybody likes confidence its a great trait in anybody.

I'm saying if you don't have it, find it, learn what it is, find ways to cultivate it. Most importantly do it for you. See the value of it for you personally, not the value of it to anybody else. When I say you I mean anybody who may read this and have need of my words.

Self-confidence is what got me out the door the the first place. I had a friend of mine who said "Dude, I don't get you, if I was some big huge 400 pound guy I would sit at home all day crying myself to sleep at night with a face full of bon-bons; but look at you....you are always out dating hot chicks. How do you do it?". The answer was Self-confidence, I might not have been swimming in it, but I had enough to go out and try and hope, and keep hoping even when shot down. Eventually I started going on dates, I was lucky enough to date some very attractive women, I will admit it can help, but you have to learn to make that kind of ego boost last and be self-sustaining or you may soon find yourself crushed again as soon as she is gone.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu
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Old 01-22-2009, 10:33 PM   #42
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I'm so self aware I make Buddha want to chew on his sandals out of jealousy.

Also, I'm fantastically modest.
Totally ignoring the obvious oxymoron, tell me how. I've been following the middle way through the 8 fold path on the journey to Buddahood, but Im lost. When do I get to Enlightenment damnit!!!!!
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Old 01-23-2009, 12:57 AM   #43
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Someone who has some balls. (not that way, well..yes, that way, but you know what I mean). Confidence. HUMOUR. Sex-appeal. TALL. Manly. Good work ethic, a sense of style. I love short hair or shaved heads. I have a preference for dark colouring (dark eyes, dark hair)
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Old 01-23-2009, 05:43 AM   #44
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Caring, can look after me and is doing that. Must have good manners, treating me with respect. I like the relationships where we just do so much for each other. Confidence i don't mind so much about, we can talk each other up if we are feeling down.

As for the bodies, I said about it in the other thread

BUT I am mostly for latino or indian boys.
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Old 01-23-2009, 06:12 AM   #45
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Totally ignoring the obvious oxymoron, tell me how.
I developed agoraphobia and locked myself away for three years. Lots of time for introspection, reading books and realising the nature of humanity.

Quote:
I've been following the middle way through the 8 fold path on the journey to Buddahood, but Im lost. When do I get to Enlightenment damnit!!!!!
One does not get to Enlightenment, Enlightenment comes to you Also, there was a meeting, it has 7.2 folds now. Budget cutbacks.
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Old 01-23-2009, 09:00 AM   #46
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I know I posted here already but I'd like to add this.

I'd like a man who will still be passionate about me even though he has put a ring on my finger.

In the book Men are from mars and women are from venus (yeah, I read it!), they compared women to tanks that need to be filled regurlarly. Showing affection for a period of time isn't enough. Even though you may think she knows you love her, want and need her. She still needs to be reminded, even in the smallest ways. Whether it'd be a cute text msg or a note or giving her a back rub or telling her she's still the most beautiful woman in the world when she's had all your babies and her breasts aren't as perky as they were. And mean it! Basically,a man who acts like he is "chasing" her even when he knows he has her.
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Old 01-23-2009, 09:06 AM   #47
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A pulse is a good start
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:48 PM   #48
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I like men built like a linebacker. Barrel chested. Big hands are a must, gotta feel safe and protected.

And always a big heart.
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