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Old 03-28-2009, 07:10 AM   #26
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My brother is (probably) asexual. I put the probably there because it's not something he talks about a whole lot, and I suppose it's possible that he simply hasn't met anyone who could turn him on yet. (He's almost 27.) Mostly the idea of sexuality seems to baffle him, though. He's very non-physical; he doesn't even like to be touched or hugged most of the time. I've often wondered if that is partly because he spent a lot of his first few months in an incubator. But it seems to go a lot deeper than that; he simply doesn't see things from a sexual viewpoint, though of course intellectually he understands, say, bawdy humor. He doesn't really have any desire to have a partner at all, though he likes kids and says he wouldn't mind maybe adopting one "when he grows up". (And he keeps pestering my sister and me about when we'll give him nephews and neices to corrupt.)
That is interesting. My partner is a premature baby too. I vaguely remember how lack of touch supposedly affects an infant's brain, but I am not familiar with that. He likes the idea of sex cerebrally but not viscerally, and he can appreciate male humour to some degree though it sometimes disgusts him.

Is your brother interested in love? Even if he does not pursue or enjoy sex, he might still be receptive to cuddling and companionship. Also, is he willing to give a child affection?
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Old 03-28-2009, 09:58 AM   #27
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If infants lack touch completely then they die. I have read about babies that have had to be in incubators without a lot of human contact who have been unable to develop emotional bonds with others or at least their emotional development was stunted. I have never read of a co-relation between incubators and asexuality though its an interesting theory. I think i was in an incubator for a while when i was a baby because i had a forceps birth..but i am the most cuddly person ever..like so much that i feel i anoy people..But then maby it can go both ways?? Hmm thats really interesting guys.
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:25 AM   #28
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As some of you know, my current partner is asexual (gender-neutral too but identifies as male for the convenience). I consider myself open-minded and aware of most sexualities, but I cannot help but find the absence of sexuality rather disconcerting.

He also identifies as heterosexual. He enjoys typically feminine traits and finds the female body aesthetically appealing but it doesn't turn him on. Nothing does. This is something I struggle to grasp because I have always assumed that asexuality is an absence of sexual orientation as well as desire.

He has no sex drive whatsoever and does not even like the idea of masturbation. He says he has never felt the urge to do it at all, even when he just hit puberty. It could well be a lack of testosterone since he has minimal body hair, an androgynous look and voice but I am not quite sure. He does not agree with what he perceives to be the current world view of sexuality; he thinks it is empty, pointless and unneccessarily restrictive so he shuts it all out. Porn, erotica and the like elicits nothing but mild amusement and disgust. He is, however, somewhat more receptive to the idea of lovemaking in the context of a long-term romantic relationship but this is not something he actively pursues. In fact, he expresses a complete disregard for his own physical pleasure but would do it to please a partner and that he derives some sort of fulfilment from that.

He is pretty apathetic about his sexuality and doesn't get why I am so intrigued by it. It doesn't actually affect us but I guess I am just curious about alternative sexualities in general. I feel guilty about probing him too much though because I don't particularly enjoy others questioning my sexuality. I don't think I will ever understand it completely, but I am beginning to see it as a stable, legitimate orientation.

What does asexuality mean to you? Do any of you (1% of the population, apparently) actually identify as asexual? How does it affect your relationships?
I haven't read all the posts yet, but I wanted to say something about an incident that happened earlier this week since it kind of relates.

I was on the escalator going out of the subway when this guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Sir, can I go past you?" This happens to me every once in a while when I don't shave my sideburns, doesn't matter what else I'm wearing - a skirt, makeup, they'll call me sir, which just bothers me for a myriad reasons...anyway, I was especially upset this time cause the guy was standing behind me. Behind me! And he still called me sir. I had on a pair of fitted jeans a black sweater and a black jacket, a pair of feminine earrings, and a pair of mary janes, plus my ass is not small. He just assumed I was a guy. I let him go by, but it got me thinking for the rest of the day if I looked asexual somehow. Like, if that dude assumed I was a dude from behind, would he assume I was a dude from the front? Would he have been confused and wondered if I was androgynous? Would he wonder about the kind of sex I have? If I were thin would this still be an issue? It just makes me wonder about why we cling so much to these gender binaries including me. I try to be feminine and girly, but sometimes no matter how hard I try people will still just assume I'm a guy, which makes me wonder about the nature of gender expression.

I don't like androgyny for myself, but on other people I don't care....that said, it would bother me to be with someone asexual. I could handle androgyny, but little to no sex drive - oh that would drive me crazy I think. Even tho there are things I like that don't involve actual sex, they are still sexual. I need both.
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Old 03-28-2009, 01:11 PM   #29
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That is interesting. My partner is a premature baby too. I vaguely remember how lack of touch supposedly affects an infant's brain, but I am not familiar with that. He likes the idea of sex cerebrally but not viscerally, and he can appreciate male humour to some degree though it sometimes disgusts him.

Is your brother interested in love? Even if he does not pursue or enjoy sex, he might still be receptive to cuddling and companionship. Also, is he willing to give a child affection?
He's not particularly interested in love at all; he tends to see the whole thing as a bit silly. But he's quite affectionate with kids--less in the manner of cuddling and stuff and more in the manner of getting down on their level and being very present with them. He wasn't a preemie, but he had a heart condition.

It really is like sex and romantic love are something outside of his reality.
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:28 PM   #30
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He's not particularly interested in love at all; he tends to see the whole thing as a bit silly. But he's quite affectionate with kids--less in the manner of cuddling and stuff and more in the manner of getting down on their level and being very present with them. He wasn't a preemie, but he had a heart condition.

It really is like sex and romantic love are something outside of his reality.
Has he been tested for asbergers? I'm not dismissing the fact he could be asexual, its just from the rest of what you were saying it sounds like he has some of the signs that are looked for in people with higher functioning forms of autism. x
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Old 03-29-2009, 02:06 PM   #31
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I'm joining this discussion a little late in the game, but I thought I would just share my experience with asexuality. I was first introduced to asexuality when I was in college by a fellow student of mine named David Jay. He is actually the founder of AVEN and has been on various TV shows discussing the topic. I guess you could say he's kind of the "go to" guy for all things asexual. What I find to be the most interesting thing about asexuality is not its existence, but rather the fact that its existence had never really been publicly discussed until 2001, when David Jay founded the site. I mean there are nearly 7 billion people in the world, its kind of astounding to think that until very recently, asexual people existed completely under the radar of mainstream society. Many lived their lives just assuming that they were the only ones who felt the way that they did. Recent studies show that over 1 percent of the human population is in fact asexual. While asexuals are definitely a sexual minority, one percent still represents a significant amount of people. Anyway, I just thought I'd chime in on the topic . . . now its time to quit procrastinating and work on grad school apps. . .
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:12 PM   #32
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Hi rundmc5, thanks for piping up on the subject. Looking forward to more of your responses on this topic.
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:30 PM   #33
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Hi rundmc5, thanks for piping up on the subject. Looking forward to more of your responses on this topic.
I very much ditto Kayrae! I also look forward to hearing more from you (AFTER you get those grad school apps done of course!)
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Old 03-30-2009, 05:56 AM   #34
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I'm joining this discussion a little late in the game, but I thought I would just share my experience with asexuality. I was first introduced to asexuality when I was in college by a fellow student of mine named David Jay. He is actually the founder of AVEN and has been on various TV shows discussing the topic. I guess you could say he's kind of the "go to" guy for all things asexual. What I find to be the most interesting thing about asexuality is not its existence, but rather the fact that its existence had never really been publicly discussed until 2001, when David Jay founded the site. I mean there are nearly 7 billion people in the world, its kind of astounding to think that until very recently, asexual people existed completely under the radar of mainstream society. Many lived their lives just assuming that they were the only ones who felt the way that they did. Recent studies show that over 1 percent of the human population is in fact asexual. While asexuals are definitely a sexual minority, one percent still represents a significant amount of people. Anyway, I just thought I'd chime in on the topic . . . now its time to quit procrastinating and work on grad school apps. . .
Wow. I guess its like all 'sexualities'.. or orientations.. You can never really tell you are different until you meet people who are the same. Which sounds like an oxymoron i guess. It was the same for being attracted to fat people.. i never realised it was a 'thing' until i read about 'Fa's in a magazine and when my parents got internet and i found Dims chat years ago... i guess if i hadn't, who i dated would be the same though...hmmm i guess its nice to know you are not alone though.
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