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Old 04-09-2009, 01:04 AM   #1
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Default FA's being "in the closet"

I never liked it when male fat admirers say how they feel discriminated against because of their attraction to big women. Often I read posts on Dimensions about how someone is "in the closet" or how they "came out." There's been a few times I read someone saying how similar growing up a FA is to growing up gay.

I consider the two experiences to be drastically different. A fat admirer keeping his desires secret does so to avoid embarrassment by his peers. Gays stay in the closet for more serious reasons as many of you well know.

Do any of you find it offensive that the comparison is being made between fat admirers and LGBTs? I know how it feels to be poked fun at for liking fat women, but I don't think it ever compares to what gays go though. There isn't a fat admirer in the world who is afraid he/she maybe be killed because of their desires.

Overall, I think the phrase "in the closet" has been used more liberally than it was before. I've witnessed it used to describe everything from a person's political beliefs to liking an uncool TV show. That really diminishes how serious the term really is.
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:40 AM   #2
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First off, I'm glad to see there's a GLBTQ forum on this site now. I'm only an occasional lurker here, but I felt compelled to respond to this question.

True, not all forms of discrimination are the same. As a male, it's not illegal for me to marry a BBW for instance. But from my own experiences there are some similarities. The FA closet, like the gay closet is also full of some of the same shame and fear even if its not subject to legal discriminations. I was always attracted to big women as a teenager, but did not recognize my desires for men until I was in my 20s. In a way "coming out" as a BBW admirer helped me to learn to deal with the bigger of challenge of coming out as queer once I realized and accepted my desires for men as well.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:15 AM   #3
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Default Closets are for Clothes

I was in the closet as a queer for a long-ass time. I was out to some people, but I chose who I let know, up until recently, when the whole family was let in on my secret.

As far as FA's being in the closet, there is just no excuse for it. If they suffer from problems like discrimination, you're right, there is just no comparison to the discrimination people face being fat, queer, or both.

So closet FA's, I think you're (offensive expletive). If you truly like fat folks, you should stand up and support us, not hide from us. Having you in the closet or on the sidelines doesn't help our cause and it certainly doesn't help our self-esteem (nor yours)!
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:13 AM   #4
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Closet is merely a metaphor that can describe a multitude of things involving sexual preferences, behavior, and identity. No disrespect, but just because the common usage of the term comes from the GLBTQ community doesn't mean that its use in a different light is a direct comparison of the level of oppression one receives. I think it's about concepts here. Not so much who gets more or less, but if it's being received.

I'd say it depends on the person to be honest, and while I like the idea of such a conversation, I think it might tread into "Oppression olympics," and I don't think any of us want to play in that right now.

I'm not saying it happened yet though.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:27 PM   #5
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It is legitimate for FAs to use the term "in the closet." We live in a country which guarantees many political freedoms but is still filled with people who discriminate against others for senseless reasons. It is not necessary to engage in Jon's "oppression olympics." There are many who are not in the sexual mainstream who are oppressed. I think all forms of oppression should be recognized even if some groups think they are more oppressed than others.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:46 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CurvaceousBBWLover View Post
It is legitimate for FAs to use the term "in the closet." We live in a country which guarantees many political freedoms but is still filled with people who discriminate against others for senseless reasons. It is not necessary to engage in Jon's "oppression olympics." There are many who are not in the sexual mainstream who are oppressed. I think all forms of oppression should be recognized even if some groups think they are more oppressed than others.

Exactly how are we "oppressed?" Are we denied job opportunities, forced to live in ghettos, physically attacked, lynched or arrested because of our attraction to fat bodies? I'm sorry if any FA felt embarrassed growing up, but that doesn't come anywhere close to being a form of oppression.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:04 PM   #7
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I agree that the two groups are different (although as evidence by this forum sometimes overlapping) and face different challenges/obstacles (some greater than others), but at the same time, as Jon Blaze said I don't think that engaging in an "oppression olympics" gets anyone anywhere. I think what both groups have in common is that their sexual desires or gender presentation go against society's conception of "normalcy." I think what is most important is to challenge and ultimately dismantle the whole notion of normalcy so that everyone is free to do what they want.
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:03 AM   #8
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I really cannot compare the two.. Here are some things that i have personally seen happen because a person was gay, that i can think of off the top of my head.:

A friend i was with got his head kicked in by three guys as they were yelling 'you'll burn in fucking hell faggot' while i was watching.
A muslim guy i knew got kidnapped and taken back to his home country and tied up and beaten and told if he didnt have an arranged marrage he would be stoned to death.
A few people i know have have been told to chose between their families and thier sexuality.
One of my best friends when i was younger was put into a care home when he was 15 because he was gay, i had to pretend i was his girlfriend so he would be let out, he was there for about 3 years.
I'm sure there are much more things, but i just cant think right now..but every day gay people around the world are refused the same civil and legal rights, get murdered sometimes even by their own families in the form of 'honour killings', get beat up at school, get refused jobs, have people not wanting them near their children because they confuse 'gay' with 'pedophile'.... etc etc etc...

Here are the bad things i have seen happening to people because they are Fa's:

Nothing.

Oh well actually, there was a few years when my friends went on holiday that i got sent postcards with fat women on them which was slightly anoying.

This might sound harsh, but i honestly cannot compare the two things and i have had experience of both. I'm sure there will have been Fa's that have had bad experinces but as far as i know, its not an illegal offence in many countries with the death penalty attached, nor does it give you any less rights than people who are not Fa's.
I would say threat of death and not the same civil rights as others are just in a different league from a few jeers from imature 'friends'.
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:09 AM   #9
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Default Exactly

Quote:
Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
I really cannot compare the two.. Here are some things that i have personally seen happen because a person was gay, that i can think of off the top of my head.:

A friend i was with got his head kicked in by three guys as they were yelling 'you'll burn in fucking hell faggot' while i was watching.
A muslim guy i knew got kidnapped and taken back to his home country and tied up and beaten and told if he didnt have an arranged marrage he would be stoned to death.
A few people i know have have been told to chose between their families and thier sexuality.
One of my best friends when i was younger was put into a care home when he was 15 because he was gay, i had to pretend i was his girlfriend so he would be let out, he was there for about 3 years.
I'm sure there are much more things, but i just cant think right now..but every day gay people around the world are refused the same civil and legal rights, get murdered sometimes even by their own families in the form of 'honour killings', get beat up at school, get refused jobs, have people not wanting them near their children because they confuse 'gay' with 'pedophile'.... etc etc etc...

Here are the bad things i have seen happening to people because they are Fa's:

Nothing.

Oh well actually, there was a few years when my friends went on holiday that i got sent postcards with fat women on them which was slightly anoying.

This might sound harsh, but i honestly cannot compare the two things and i have had experience of both. I'm sure there will have been Fa's that have had bad experinces but as far as i know, its not an illegal offence in many countries with the death penalty attached, nor does it give you any less rights than people who are not Fa's.
I would say threat of death and not the same civil rights as others are just in a different league from a few jeers from imature 'friends'.
Thank you!
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Old 04-10-2009, 02:52 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
I really cannot compare the two.. Here are some things that i have personally seen happen because a person was gay, that i can think of off the top of my head.:

A friend i was with got his head kicked in by three guys as they were yelling 'you'll burn in fucking hell faggot' while i was watching.
A muslim guy i knew got kidnapped and taken back to his home country and tied up and beaten and told if he didnt have an arranged marrage he would be stoned to death.
A few people i know have have been told to chose between their families and thier sexuality.
One of my best friends when i was younger was put into a care home when he was 15 because he was gay, i had to pretend i was his girlfriend so he would be let out, he was there for about 3 years.
I'm sure there are much more things, but i just cant think right now..but every day gay people around the world are refused the same civil and legal rights, get murdered sometimes even by their own families in the form of 'honour killings', get beat up at school, get refused jobs, have people not wanting them near their children because they confuse 'gay' with 'pedophile'.... etc etc etc...

Here are the bad things i have seen happening to people because they are Fa's:

Nothing.

Oh well actually, there was a few years when my friends went on holiday that i got sent postcards with fat women on them which was slightly anoying.

This might sound harsh, but i honestly cannot compare the two things and i have had experience of both. I'm sure there will have been Fa's that have had bad experinces but as far as i know, its not an illegal offence in many countries with the death penalty attached, nor does it give you any less rights than people who are not Fa's.
I would say threat of death and not the same civil rights as others are just in a different league from a few jeers from imature 'friends'.
I totally agree! I am alright with the term "coming out" being used by FAs, but the persecution an FA might face is not even in the same league as what a gay or even fat person faces.

I was attacked by strangers because I held my ex's hand in public, so it is a touchy subject. Homosexuality is illegal where I was from and hate crimes are that uncommon. Many of my queer friends back home are closeted for fear of losing their jobs, being forced into straight marriages and I know at least ten people who were disowned by their families as a consequence of coming out. Sure, I have immature peers who assume a bunch of things about me (low self-esteem, can't get anyone hence settling for fat girls, weird fetishist etc) and preach about how my next girl is going to die of morbid obesity, but I have never actually felt threatened in any way.
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Old 04-10-2009, 03:27 PM   #11
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Default Being Fat (FA) in Public

You know as a fat woman, I have never heard anyone put any of my partners down for being with a fat chick. I have had lots of remarks directed my way, even in adulthood, and the one good thing about having an FA partner (doesn't even necessarily have to be an FA) is that they will oftentimes stand up for you. I've learned to stand up for myself of course, but most adults I come across are mature enough to NOT judge me by my size. That isn't always the case of course but honestly, most people I've encountered in life are polite about my weight, knowing it is not nice nor good manners to taunt a fat person over their weight.

I am okay with people using the term "closet" for various things - because there are lots of ways people can be in the closet.

But I have never, NOT EVER, come across anyone who has made fun of any of my partners or people I dated or whatever, due to the fact that they like fat chicks. I guess being from Vermont, most people are cool, and we have so many fat people here, it is almost normal. After all, our commodities here include maple syrup, dairy products (milk, cheese, butter, sour cream etc), ice cream (ben and jerry's - some of the richest, fattiest around), etc. So I think most people expect us all to be fat or something. There are rude tourists I must say, but I never ever let them get away with being mean to me.

And if one of my partners, FA or otherwise, were ever to be picked on for liking a fattie (ME!) I would definitely stand up for them!

Everyone should just learn to stand up for themselves. Living in the closet sucks. It really does. It is so much better to be FREE and OUT. Why hide who you are? Why lie to yourself? Why lie to others? Why not just be who you are, and do your best to be the happiest you can be.

Much love to everyone, closeted or out.
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