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Old 05-09-2009, 11:00 AM   #1
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Default Coming Out: Experiences, Stories and Advice Thread

Each FA has a 'coming out' story. These stories involve parents, friends, co-workers and many others. For some its easy but for most its a tough process that requires some inner strength to make the leap of faith. In spite of this, I have yet to hear a 'coming out' story that has ended in regret.

For some, that story has already happened and for others it yet to occur. I figure that when I was a younger bloke, I would have appreciated the chance to read a thread that chronicled the experiences of others like me. So along those lines, post your 'coming out' experiences (or your questions, as an FA, about your problems with coming out?) here...
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Old 05-09-2009, 04:51 PM   #2
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Hmm, I have never actually felt the need to consciously come out as an FA or at least, it isn't as scary and significant as coming out as a lesbian. I guess the narrow-minded people around me are so obsessed about the gender, age (I like much older women) and race (I usually end up dating outside my race for various reasons) of my dates that size is a non-issue. It has always been easy to dismiss the people who do complain anyway - mostly rejected thinner women, straight guys who are unhappy that I ruined their porno lesbian fantasy and people especially other Asians who obviously have a skewed concept of size. I suppose it helps that I have fairly thick skin too.
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:41 PM   #3
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Well, when I came out, my family was suprisingly accepting of it. Some of the people I knew back at Louisiana Tech were too. But others, I have to say that they weren't that supportive. Some called me "whale lover" and "fatty f***er". Now I don't really associate with those people anymore.

One thing that was a little fun though was when three of my schoolmates (all girls) had asked me exactly my preference is about. I had to explain it to them at least three times until they finally understood.
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Old 05-10-2009, 11:07 PM   #4
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My "coming out" so to speak really took place over many years. I simply made it a habit of dating fat girls. My friends and family eventually figured out my preference by the example I set. I wasn't particularly proactive in advocating my preference, but when asked I would make it clear that found fat women attractive.

Being a FA doesn't have to be a traumatic experience. Just follow your heart, don't hide your preference, treat those whom you admire with respect and you'll do alright in the long run. The sooner you are an "outed" FA, the sooner you'll be able to fully enjoy your preference and all the good things life has to offer.
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Old 05-10-2009, 11:51 PM   #5
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My "coming out" so to speak really took place over many years...
I can relate to that experience. For me, the process really began via the internet (about 10 years ago) where I first realized that I wasn't a unique oddity or alone in my aesthetic. This gave me the basis of confidence to begin to discuss things with my parents and close friends.

Whilst my parents were initially horrified, labeling my aesthetic as a passing phase that I would 'hopefully' outgrow, the reaction of my friends was nowhere near as negative as I'd presumed it might be.

I think 'outness' can be defined as the degree of comfort feels in one's skin... essentially 'being oneself'. In my early 20s, as with most people, my sense of self began to develop and I think it was critical that whilst that was happening, I'd already confronted myself and acknowledged the questions that FAs invariably have to ask themselves (i.e. is this aesthetic set? Yes... does this mean that I will be sabotaging a potential partner's desire to be thin by expressing it? No... etc. etc.). I think that in general, the earlier that one faces up to oneself and figures all this kind of stuff out, the better the outcomes will be.

Also, over time, it became obvious to all that my dating preferences were exclusively in the range of 'big'. To a large extent, this went uncommented upon amongst my peers. That said, I think I define truly being 'out' as when I reached a point of confidently holding discussion on the subject amongst friends and family... and even strangers if they saw fit to comment on it? This really didn't materialize in a vacuum for me. It took time and the experience to really become 100% 'ok' with myself. I think one of the key things that bolstered this along the way was meeting and befriending other FAs. In fact, I'd recommend to anyone in the closet that this one part of the process alone will enable them to leap forward towards 'coming out'.
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Old 05-11-2009, 07:00 AM   #6
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Each FA has a 'coming out' story. These stories involve parents, friends, co-workers and many others. For some its easy but for most its a tough process that requires some inner strength to make the leap of faith. In spite of this, I have yet to hear a 'coming out' story that has ended in regret.

For some, that story has already happened and for others it yet to occur. I figure that when I was a younger bloke, I would have appreciated the chance to read a thread that chronicled the experiences of others like me. So along those lines, post your 'coming out' experiences (or your questions, as an FA, about your problems with coming out?) here...
In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this really the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.
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Old 05-11-2009, 12:35 PM   #7
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...
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.
You do have a good point Bexy... I think stating it in terms of "coming out as a FA" can be an inexact way to put it. In many cases it's simply realizing that one is a FA. This thread does also have overlap with other threads discussing when one came to terms or simply realized they were a FA. I think (certainly in my case...) "coming out" as a FA is often times synonymous with "realizing" that one is a FA. There doesn't have to be any sort of "day of reckoning", or big epiphany that takes place. At some point in their lives a person can simply realize that they are attracted to fat people... and that's all there is to it.
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:00 PM   #8
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...
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.
I have to say, I feel the same way. I realize everyone's relationship with their family is different, but it never would have occurred to me, for a millisecond, to sit down with my dad and be like, "Dad, I have a horrible secret--I like fatties." He wouldn't have cared and it's not like I needed advice about it.

I dunno, I hear this "coming out" thing a lot around here. It strikes me as strange. Like, don't you, at some point, whenever that is, just start dating fat girls and then you're kind of "out?" I'll admit that it's taken me until now, early 30s, to totally be comfortable with it and know that I'll never date thin women again. But I never felt the need to make a grand pronouncement about who I found attractive, either.
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:18 PM   #9
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In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this really the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.
I agree with stan, although i did at one point sort of announce to a few friends that i preferred "Fatties" I spent my entire adolescence intrigued by big woman, i never understood it never put it together that it was a preference. but when i got online and i found out about bbw's it all started to make more sense. i spent alot of time discovering things about myself with this new found information. I knew i was drawn to Fat but ddn't know why,

My so called coming out (honestly i hate calling it this) anyway i met someone online, we became friends etc (it's been posted before) but i ended up leaving my wife. so when i explained to friends what was going on and what prompted the separation, part of the explanation was that i preferred fat woman and i had met someone who was not only really fat but also my soul mate. did i have to tell them she was fat? probably not, but they were prepared when they met my girlfriend who was twice the size of my ex. and there was no whispering snickering or gossip about OMG he left her for a huge chick.

and surprisingly a couple friends just looked at me and said "I Know Dude" and went back to their drinks. My mom on the other hand was most people she didn't understand how it's a preference.

this FA thing is fine line i don't want to say i love her because she's fat (I'd love her at any size) and it's definitely not that i love her in spite of her fat. It's more like I desire her because she's fat, and i love that i can caress squeeze, and enjoy her body without her being uncomfortable about it. I think this is where an open BBW/FA relationship becomes deeper than others there is an understanding between both that what the other sees is beautiful whether you see it in yourself or not.

sorry i got of on a tangent i may keep this line of thinking going on another thread so as not to risk hijacking this one.
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:05 PM   #10
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I have to say, I feel the same way. I realize everyone's relationship with their family is different, but it never would have occurred to me, for a millisecond, to sit down with my dad and be like, "Dad, I have a horrible secret--I like fatties." He wouldn't have cared and it's not like I needed advice about it.

I dunno, I hear this "coming out" thing a lot around here. It strikes me as strange. Like, don't you, at some point, whenever that is, just start dating fat girls and then you're kind of "out?" I'll admit that it's taken me until now, early 30s, to totally be comfortable with it and know that I'll never date thin women again. But I never felt the need to make a grand pronouncement about who I found attractive, either.
Well "Coming out" can mean many things. For me it wasn't so much that I came out in one moment as it was me being true to others about everything. If you would have asked me when I was 12 if I liked fat women, I'd deny it until the cows come home.

Now after nearly 10 years of what my parents thought was just a "Phase," it's gotten to the point that I would never lie about it, and am often willing to educate people on my personal spin on the trait.

As we know, unfortunately, some people do date/shag fat people, yet try to hide it, and that still qualifies as "Closeted" in my book for example. To me, you have to have both.
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:22 PM   #11
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As we know, unfortunately, some people do date/shag fat people, yet try to hide it, and that still qualifies as "Closeted" in my book for example. To me, you have to have both.
I'm going to agree with this. Simply dating a BBW doesn't mean you're comfortable and 'out' as an FA. It can be a step in the right direction but if you don't incorporate your sexuality into your normal life then you're likely to hurt people (as well as yourself) along the way...
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:59 PM   #12
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I'm going to agree with this. Simply dating a BBW doesn't mean you're comfortable and 'out' as an FA. It can be a step in the right direction but if you don't incorporate your sexuality into your normal life then you're likely to hurt people (as well as yourself) along the way...
Explain how you can be dating, i.e. doing things in public on a regular basis, a fat girl and still be in the closet. This seems like the definition of not being in the closet.
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:00 PM   #13
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Just realized that we're probably using the word "dating" in two different ways...
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:31 PM   #14
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Explain how you can be dating, i.e. doing things in public on a regular basis, a fat girl and still be in the closet. This seems like the definition of not being in the closet.
In my opinion (and I'm quite open to hearing the points of view of others on this), dating someone, whether its publicly or not, doesn't equal being out of the closet. Dating someone and being ok with them hanging out with your friends, meeting your family and co-workers (if you hang out with co-workers?) etc... seems more like being out of the closet to me...

essentially, dating someone can occur whilst also living a second (non fat-positive) life in parallel at the same time... if one is doing that... then they aren't 'out' IMO.
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Old 05-11-2009, 06:40 PM   #15
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I think it's possible to be dating a fat girl but not be out of the closet.

First of all, you can simply go on dates in public but not show affection towards her or anything. Or you could go on dates in public and show affection while around strangers but avoid showing her to family, friends, coworkers, etc. And, of course, there's guys who date or sleep with fat girls but use excuses like "I'm not shallow.. I like her personality" or all the stupid excuses guys use to fuck fatties.. they give good blowjobs, they're easy, whatever. Rather than admitting they are attracted they use some sort of excuse.
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Old 05-11-2009, 09:38 PM   #16
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Just fucking date fat girls and if anyone gives you beef pummel them senseless with a folding chair and take their Intercontinental Title Belt
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:06 PM   #17
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I think it's possible to be dating a fat girl but not be out of the closet.

First of all, you can simply go on dates in public but not show affection towards her or anything. Or you could go on dates in public and show affection while around strangers but avoid showing her to family, friends, coworkers, etc. And, of course, there's guys who date or sleep with fat girls but use excuses like "I'm not shallow.. I like her personality" or all the stupid excuses guys use to fuck fatties.. they give good blowjobs, they're easy, whatever. Rather than admitting they are attracted they use some sort of excuse.
That kind of FA is the worst! They remind me of closeted lesbians - gotta love how they run a mile from you whenever they see a familiar face and then try to pass you off as a sister or best friend when confronted.

I guess most people find it hard to believe that one can prefer someone who is more than just curvy. My friends initially made me out to be some kind of saint when they saw how big my ex was and it took a long time before they finally accepted that I actually find fat girls attractive. Even then many of them still see it as a joke and some sort of fetish.

To minimise chances of my friends and family being shocked by my date's size, I usually just show them a picture of me and her together which is something I would do if I am dating a smaller person anyway. If we are all supposed to get together, I will offer to make plans so I can ensure that my date's needs (extra sitting space, limited walking) can be properly met. If they insist on going someplace that does not accomodate her needs eg. a theatre known for tiny seats or a restaurant where only booths are available, I will gently and firmly tell them why though I sometimes make up an excuse to save her embarrassment.
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:39 PM   #18
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In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this really the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.

The degree to which one needs to come out is the degree to which one was shamed in to the closet in the first place. Your mileage may vary.

In my experience it wasn't always easy being an FA, but the best way to develop poise is to be knocked around a bit.

Heh.. there's also the fact that making your preference known means you're far more likely to get set up with a girl you're actually attracted to.

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Old 05-12-2009, 03:46 PM   #19
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Heh.. there's also the fact that making your preference known means you're far more likely to get set up with a girl you're actually attracted to.

-bdog
That's refreshing to hear. I've heard so many FAs say their family and friends continue to set them up with thin girls after becoming aware of their orientation/preference/whatever, almost as if they can be.... I don't know, reprogrammed? I suppose it's just a form of denial on their part, or maybe disbelief.

Anyway, yay for quality setups!
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:24 PM   #20
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That's refreshing to hear. I've heard so many FAs say their family and friends continue to set them up with thin girls after becoming aware of their orientation/preference/whatever, almost as if they can be.... I don't know, reprogrammed? I suppose it's just a form of denial on their part, or maybe disbelief.

Anyway, yay for quality setups!
It improves sometimes I guess. I.e. Even though my sister still doesn't understand how I do it, lately if I were not to go to a club with her and my other sisters, she would say things like "That place had a bunch of sexy thick girls Jon!," which is fine either way, but I still find it accommodating at times because she thinks of it. Heheh
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Old 05-13-2009, 01:44 PM   #21
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Default a kaleidoscope of different situations.

A whole scrunchy bunch of situations- A girlfriend I really shouldn't have come out to, as it mixed really badly with her existing body image issues-she was small and desperately wanted to be smaller. She would have just been happier not knowing.

A pair of close friends who are a bit fat phobic- have to make some effort to stand up for my preference here, as we share so much on other levels that I can't stand not being honest with them.

Two family members who are obviously an FA/FFA mutually fat couple. Just turned up with a fat girl one day, mutual nods of approval, nuff said!

A colleague who was always complaining about her squidgy belly and drawing attention to it. It was so obvious that she enjoyed being fat and was an FFA that one day we just called a spade a spade with a sheepish grin. But actually that kind of unspoken subtext is so much fun that we keep up the pretense- she's left to do some more training, but on a return visit she gave me a squeezy hug and beamingly congratulated me for losing weight...when I really, really hadn't!

I'd like to find more male friends with an open preference in real life. I've had a couple but wasn't very close to them.

I dunno, I suppose what I'm saying is it's different in different situations. Sometimes it's great, sometimes people hate it, sometimes it's important to do, sometimes genuinely better not to.

I suppose I would modify the question to 'what was your most significant coming out moment?'

I mean, in general, it's good to come out. It does help you get comfortable in your own skin. But also, if I'm giving any suggestions it would be to ask yourself 'how is the person I'm talking to going to hear this? Given where they're at, does it make it more or less important, or or even a bad idea, to say this? If I am going to say/do this, how's it actually going to work?

Last edited by philosobear; 05-13-2009 at 01:50 PM. Reason: actually read the op now...
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:07 AM   #22
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In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this really the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.
Right. I don't have any coming out story, per se. I've mentioned it a couple of new times in situations where it was relevent or if somebody asked me. Such as when I started dating a guy from Dims and had to explain to my friend how we met. Entire conversation:

Me: I met this new guy online. Not a dating site, it's for people who like fat men/women and I'm into fat guys.

Friend: Really? I don't like fat guys, I like skinny guys.

Me: Cool...let's order drinks

Friend: Yeah.


When I showed my mom a picture of a guy i'd dated who she had not met:

Mom: Oh, you know I just realized this but you're into fat guys

Me: Yeah.


When I started my current job and a fat guy would come into the bar:

Me: Ooooh, that guy is hot. That's my thing.

Coworker: Oh, you're a chubby chaser?

Me: Yeah, I like fat guys.

Coworker: Oh yeah, I went to college with a guy who was into fat chicks, I guess it's just what some people are into.


In conclusion, as i've said before, other people's sexual preferences are by and large not interesting.
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Old 05-16-2009, 11:41 AM   #23
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In conclusion, as i've said before, other people's sexual preferences are by and large not interesting.
I find other people's sexual preferences incredibly fascinating!!
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:34 AM   #24
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Well by comming out, i dont mean i hired out a hall and gathered all my friends together while i got up on stage high kicking in feather boa and stockings singing 'fat bottomed girls'.. and wound down by sitting on the stage in a sandra bernhard chatty way and explained my Fa'ness. If someone asks "what kind of women do you like" i shall say- "Fat ones mainly cheers". If someone asks "why do you always date fat woman" i shall say " Cause i LIKE EM!!" if anyone says "hmm i dont think so and so celeb/real life person is hot cause they are fat" I shall say "What a fucking fool for fat people are THE shit" and so on.. I guess what i'm saying is ..because its pretty obvious when you like fat people because ..well you date fat people, there is less need to do the whole 'comming out' thing. I think though, if you deny your preference when asked thats the opposite of 'out'..so comming out might just be confirming your sexual preferences to those who ask. To be honest i forget i'm an Fa on the whole and its not at the forefront of my mind all the time so i dont come out to every new person i meet (same goes for my gender sexuality). Actually its funny because i have some freinds that i hadn't seen for quite a few years (we all kinna fell out for some stupid teenagerish reasons) ...aaanyway..we met up in a pub with some of my newer friends one of which said "Oh lisa only fancies fat people" ..So, i guess i have been 'outed'.. my school friends were like "oh really". I said 'Yeah, its called being an Fa" and one said "REALLY?? what ?? LIKE in feed?" I said "No..not exactly". Comming out is boring and time consuming..people should just open their eyes and get with the picture!
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Old 05-23-2009, 03:40 AM   #25
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Coming out
is a lifelong job for FAs. Two weeks ago a colleague said to me after girl watching: "You are a big-fan". I guess he doesn't know that I have a fat wife, but I'm not sure.
I think everytime I'm holding hands with my wife in public that is a coming out.
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