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Old 09-30-2009, 11:50 PM   #1
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Default October Accept Help Challenge!

there was a great discussion goin on in the "accepting of love?" thread on this forum. http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...ad.php?t=64624

womanforconversation had this great idea and i'd like to challenge everyone to try it just for the month of october and see what happens. quote:



" I did this experiment about a year ago, where for a whole month I made myself accept ALL help that was offered to me -- no matter if I really felt like I needed it or not. Like, if I'm carrying some grocery bags or something and a friend says, "Need help with that?" I would just let him/her carry some of them, even if I felt I could actually do it on my own. And the same would apply for non-tangible help.

It actually was kind of a helpful exercise -- though just a step along the way. Because ideally I'd like to be able to ask for help more often, when I need it, not just receive it when it's offered. But moving from "turning down all help that is offered" to "receiving some help when it's offered" is a postive move, in my book.

I think I'm going to try that experiment again for October; and I do really feel like it's connected to accepting love. For me it all comes down to being willing to be vulnerable, and love is a deep state of vulnerability. "


its scary. i think in a way we all sort feel we have to do everything on our own. we are afraid there will be conditions and expectations placed on us if we accept help. or maybe we think people won't look at us as being self sufficient? but what if it changed our lives in some way immeasureably to show that trust to someone to allow them to help us. what would it do to us if we found out that its not such a bad idea to take the help that is offered.

so i'd like to propose a challenge for the month of october for us to accept help that comes our way. i think it will be neat to post our experiences and what those experiences mean to us. do you think you could give this a try in the name of personal growth? i'm going it try myself and i know it will be really hard for me. but it will be interestig to see what happens. will it be hard for you too?

Last edited by superodalisque; 10-01-2009 at 12:00 AM.
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Old 10-01-2009, 04:14 AM   #2
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Hi superodalisque, yes I will give it a try. It will be hard yes but what the heck, it might be a good thing in the end
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:36 AM   #3
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in the spirit, this morning i allowed a student to carry in some of my junk. it was kinda nice not to have to make 2 trips. i was so stiff this morning.
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:45 PM   #4
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I let my staff convince me to go home early tonight (using overtime I have) because I have been working so hard.
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Old 10-03-2009, 06:55 PM   #5
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So, I am finding this harder than I thought.
I was washing dishes last night (simple enough) and someone offered to take over. I remembered the challenge and accepted but then felt guilty.....

My own doing mind you, it is built in it seems lol
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:20 AM   #6
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I only just saw this! Glad to be joining you all on the road ahead this month for the "Accept Help Challenge."

Today a couple of things came up regarding this:

1) Someone offered to pitch in for gas money, and I received it (without a long, annoying quarrel over it)

2) Another friend said he'd like to take me to lunch tomorrow, and I accepted and said it sounded great, instead of saying anything like "Oh, yes, I'd love to, but you don't have to pay for me."

The funny thing is, at least in examples like these today, I often feel like I'm helping the person by not receiving their help. In both of these examples the guys who are involved don't really have a lot of money, so it's kind of a big deal for them to pitch in for gas or take me to lunch. But the thing I'm trying to get myself to realize is that people *like* to help out - they *want* to show they care by doing nice things of various sorts, and it's really much more helpful to them just to receive it and enjoy it instead of fighting it.

One step at a time!
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:19 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by womanforconversation View Post
I only just saw this! Glad to be joining you all on the road ahead this month for the "Accept Help Challenge."

Today a couple of things came up regarding this:

1) Someone offered to pitch in for gas money, and I received it (without a long, annoying quarrel over it)

2) Another friend said he'd like to take me to lunch tomorrow, and I accepted and said it sounded great, instead of saying anything like "Oh, yes, I'd love to, but you don't have to pay for me."

The funny thing is, at least in examples like these today, I often feel like I'm helping the person by not receiving their help. In both of these examples the guys who are involved don't really have a lot of money, so it's kind of a big deal for them to pitch in for gas or take me to lunch. But the thing I'm trying to get myself to realize is that people *like* to help out - they *want* to show they care by doing nice things of various sorts, and it's really much more helpful to them just to receive it and enjoy it instead of fighting it.

One step at a time!
yeah getting is kind of a giving thing. i let my ex come over and help me out with some things over the weekend. i really needed the help because there are things i'm just not able to do right now. it was good to have them off my plate. we also had a nice long talk after. i think it made him feel even better than it made me feel. it was really positive. i should have allowed him to help me before.
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Old 10-06-2009, 09:11 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
yeah getting is kind of a giving thing. i let my ex come over and help me out with some things over the weekend. i really needed the help because there are things i'm just not able to do right now. it was good to have them off my plate. we also had a nice long talk after. i think it made him feel even better than it made me feel. it was really positive. i should have allowed him to help me before.
Love that last line...and the first line! You're so right. And it's so encouraging when receiving help turns out to be such a good experience. I'm glad it was for you! I'm going to keep recording (here) the times I do accept help/care this month and how it goes.
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:48 AM   #9
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I love this. As a nurse and a mom, it's very hard for me to accept help. But the other day I had to get a ridiculously large amount of blood out of a newborn for genetic testing. When one of my co-workers, who works with babies more than I do (I go back and forth between L&D and Mom Baby but she works Mom Baby almost exclusively) offered to help, I happily accepted her off. I felt a little guilty because I knew she was busy but I also knew I'd make a mess of things if I tried it!
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Old 10-07-2009, 04:29 PM   #10
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This would be a really tough challenge for me. As someone who is mildly handicapped, I get offered help quite a bit, but I rarely take it. There's part of me that thinks if I cave in and take it, I'm relinquishing power to my disabilities and throwing in the towel.

I am learning that there's a time and place for bravado, though. Sitting idly in a chair for 45 minutes because I can't stand up is unfair to the person sitting with me, offering help the entire time.
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Old 10-07-2009, 06:35 PM   #11
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I know what you mean, Katorade. I'm the same way. However, I've found that it makes people feel good to help so I like to think that I'm doing something nice for them, too, by accepting their help.

Remind me of that the next time I'm sighing over a messy kitchen and refuse help when it's offered, mmmkay?
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:53 PM   #12
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It's great getting to read everyone's reflections on this issue. I was also wondering whether for some people it's easier or harder to receive a certain kind of help.

Katorade and Miss Vickie, you both mentioned that it's hard to receive help with certain physical/tangible things -- so I'm wondering, is it just as hard to receive help on an emotional level? or is it easier?

I think for me, they're both pretty hard. Though, I would say that the more effort the person needs to expend to help me (be it emotionally or physically or whatever), the harder it is for me to accept it.
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Old 10-08-2009, 11:50 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katorade View Post
This would be a really tough challenge for me. As someone who is mildly handicapped, I get offered help quite a bit, but I rarely take it. There's part of me that thinks if I cave in and take it, I'm relinquishing power to my disabilities and throwing in the towel.

I am learning that there's a time and place for bravado, though. Sitting idly in a chair for 45 minutes because I can't stand up is unfair to the person sitting with me, offering help the entire time.
i feel ya. since i'm still waiting for my nerve sensation to fully regenerate in my feet. people are always offering and i'm definitely generally too proud to accept and ask for help when i need it. when i mananged to it felt pretty good especially when it came from friends who really love me. its kinda nice when i was still feeling off balance to have an "excuse" to hold my friend's hands for stability. it made me think maybe i should be doing that more even if i was ok. it taught me a lot.

in that vein...this weekend i'm having some friends move all of my art studio materials upstairs from a basement that its hard for me to get to. and they are going to move things from my guest rooms to downstairs. its a lot of heavy work. i have a lot of books, tons of paper, a kiln that i'm rewiring for upstairs, plaster of paris molds, lots of heavy shelves and cabinets chock full of paints etc... its a huge job. i really didn't want to ask. but i realized it was retarding my life limiting my trips down there so i made myself cave. thanks y'all! i don't know if i would have done it if it wasn't for this inspiration.

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Old 10-08-2009, 12:51 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katorade View Post
This would be a really tough challenge for me. As someone who is mildly handicapped, I get offered help quite a bit, but I rarely take it. There's part of me that thinks if I cave in and take it, I'm relinquishing power to my disabilities and throwing in the towel.

I am learning that there's a time and place for bravado, though. Sitting idly in a chair for 45 minutes because I can't stand up is unfair to the person sitting with me, offering help the entire time.
I'm so with you on this.

I hope at some point I will feel comfortable enough to accept help that is genuine.
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Old 10-08-2009, 04:29 PM   #15
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Yesterday, someone was kind enough to pay for my coffee even though I already had my money out and I actually accepted his offer. I was off to go home by train, but he then asked if he could drive me and even though my first reaction was "no thank you I am okay" I accepted.

I realised that it made him happy to do these things, as small as they were. I don't think I have truly thought about that side of it before.
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Old 10-18-2009, 10:56 AM   #16
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Yesterday was a banner day for this challenge for me.

1) A friend bought a couple of tops for me. She's thin, I dunno how she ends up in the plus-sized section, but she buys me tops from time to time if she sees something she thinks will look cute on me. I accepted them graciously, instead of going on and on about how I should pay her for them, etc.

2) Another friend, who is a fashion designer, wanted to thank me for some ways I've been helping her out lately. She said I could pick out a "scarf-lace" from this new collection she's developing (it's like a scarf/necklace type thing). I didn't want to at first, because the whole reason she's making these is that she needs money and needs to sell them. But she kept insisting, and then I remembered it was October...so I accepted it, and thanked her. And I love it! My fashion sense just went up about 10 times over.

3) I was having a wine party at a friend's place last night (mine is too small if the crowd is more than a couple people), and we had talked about doing it in their patio area. But when I got there they had talked about doing it inside instead. That didn't sound good at all. So I actually spoke up and said that I'd really like to do it outside, so we got together and all cleaned up the patio area so we could do it out there. I felt weird having us all working and cleaning just because I really preferred it outside, like I was being an inconvenience, but I really *did* want it outside. And it was super fun.

4) Leaving the party I had a few bags to carry with me, that I could have carried on my own, but a friend asked if he could help me with the bags, and I accepted.

Slowly but surely, eventually I'll learn how to accept help...and even ask for it!
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