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Old 11-18-2009, 12:10 AM   #76
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Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....

I lost my oldest brother from a stomach aneurysm 4 months before my Mother passed away...When I lost my first brother,I felt like I had been gut punched and felt that the second time as well,I just could not fall to pieces the second time like I did the first because I was trying to come to terms with my Mother slowing dying..I had shut myself off emotionally and refused to cry at his funeral..I knew once I did begin to cry I would not stop for some time and I couldn't be that way and take care of my Mom...Even during my Mom's last days I would not cry..When I finally did cry it was the night she went into the hospital for the last time...I had gone home to sleep but she was calling for me so my brother called and told me to come back....I went in to her room and spoke to her,she opened her eyes and looked at me then said very slowly,Linda I am dying....I cried then and told her to go back to sleep it would all be okay...I did not cry at her funeral..It took me about 3 months to finally break down,I spent the next long months in bed crying and being sad..
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:42 AM   #77
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I'm not sure how to do this grief thing, Mer. I'm not sure what I expected of myself. Having never lived through someone's death, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. It's all so vague and amorphous. It's hard to get a handle on how it's supposed to be or if it's even supposed to be anything.

I had a woman at grief counseling tell me, you are handling this very well. I told her, you don't see me fall apart, like this past Friday. I look good on the outside, I guess. I just don't know how or what I'm supposed to do.
I think as a society, Americans and The British are very good at really not talking about death and trying to ignore it as long as is possible (until someone you love dies). I think thats why its really hard to know how to feel, what to do, to behave. When one of my friends died i remember feeling very unrealistic. I think it was almost unfathomable to me that i would never see him again (well in this life, depending on what you belive).. i had so many feelings- They sort of did follow the sterotyped pattern..which are ment to be (i think!!): Shock, Denial, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. hmm ive missed one out.. but i'm sure it can be googled.
I read a bit about grief because i wanted to know more about what GD was going through, and while i was sad and i feel i went through certain phases when i lost my friend, what i felt didn't even touch what GD went through.
Everything i read pretty much said the same, that no person goes through the same thing. The phases are only a guideline and you might not feel one or you can feel them in different orders. You might feel none of them.
I think the woman at the group was maby trying to give you a compliment as to how strong you appeared, which i can imagine must be frustrating when you feel like you are falling apart internally for a lot of the time. The people at the group might not be feeling exactly what you are but they will have been through a lot of the same things. I hope that you will be able to pick out the parts that help you. xx
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:01 AM   #78
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Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....

...snip...
^^THAT^^^ When I lost my husband three years ago I got so sick of being told how well I was doing, how strong I am, because I did not just crumble and fall apart every twenty seconds. Do not feel there is a set timetable, a certain order, or a proper form to grief. You are exactly where you need to be in YOUR grieving process. When it's time to transition to the next stage, you will do so without even thinking about it.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:03 PM   #79
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^^THAT^^^ When I lost my husband three years ago I got so sick of being told how well I was doing, how strong I am, because I did not just crumble and fall apart every twenty seconds. Do not feel there is a set timetable, a certain order, or a proper form to grief. You are exactly where you need to be in YOUR grieving process. When it's time to transition to the next stage, you will do so without even thinking about it.
I hope you are right. I feel so out of control right now. It's completely surreal. I was sitting in my bedroom chair and the box that holds my husband's ashes was sitting on the foot of the bed. I thought to myself, my husband is sitting on the foot of the bed. I try to figure it out but my brain won't let me go there. It moves my mind to something else. It's a very strange process.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:08 PM   #80
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
I think as a society, Americans and The British are very good at really not talking about death and trying to ignore it as long as is possible (until someone you love dies). I think thats why its really hard to know how to feel, what to do, to behave. When one of my friends died i remember feeling very unrealistic. I think it was almost unfathomable to me that i would never see him again (well in this life, depending on what you belive).. i had so many feelings- They sort of did follow the sterotyped pattern..which are ment to be (i think!!): Shock, Denial, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. hmm ive missed one out.. but i'm sure it can be googled.
I read a bit about grief because i wanted to know more about what GD was going through, and while i was sad and i feel i went through certain phases when i lost my friend, what i felt didn't even touch what GD went through.
Everything i read pretty much said the same, that no person goes through the same thing. The phases are only a guideline and you might not feel one or you can feel them in different orders. You might feel none of them.
I think the woman at the group was maby trying to give you a compliment as to how strong you appeared, which i can imagine must be frustrating when you feel like you are falling apart internally for a lot of the time. The people at the group might not be feeling exactly what you are but they will have been through a lot of the same things. I hope that you will be able to pick out the parts that help you. xx
I know she was trying to be kind and I do appreciate her thoughts. I just don't know and I am a person who likes lists. I like taking charge and accomplishing things. I think it's so vague and that is my problem. I can't just go through and mark things off the list. Anger, check, denial check, you know. I know the fault lies within me. I'm just a mess. I know I'm being too hard on myself, I'm supposed to be kind to myself. I just don't know.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:13 PM   #81
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Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....

I lost my oldest brother from a stomach aneurysm 4 months before my Mother passed away...When I lost my first brother,I felt like I had been gut punched and felt that the second time as well,I just could not fall to pieces the second time like I did the first because I was trying to come to terms with my Mother slowing dying..I had shut myself off emotionally and refused to cry at his funeral..I knew once I did begin to cry I would not stop for some time and I couldn't be that way and take care of my Mom...Even during my Mom's last days I would not cry..When I finally did cry it was the night she went into the hospital for the last time...I had gone home to sleep but she was calling for me so my brother called and told me to come back....I went in to her room and spoke to her,she opened her eyes and looked at me then said very slowly,Linda I am dying....I cried then and told her to go back to sleep it would all be okay...I did not cry at her funeral..It took me about 3 months to finally break down,I spent the next long months in bed crying and being sad..
Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this was hard on you. It gives me hope that one day I might be alright or at least come to terms with it.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:52 PM   #82
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I feel that I can share with everyone that I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. He died of a brain aneurism. His mind was gone before he left the driveway in the ambulance, his body lived for 4 days after the aneurism. He wasn't in there, in his body.

As some of you know, I have been working very hard to get healthy, get my diabetes under control, losing weight, all in the expectation of giving my husband 25 years. He always said, 25 years but as it happened it was only 12 years. I am grateful for those 12 years. He was a good man and loved me like no one ever has.
It is as I wrote once in response to one fellow who asked how worried about longevity of a partner he should be: if one takes being a life-mate seriously, there are two possible outcomes, you will bury her or she will bury you. My first wife went in for a broken leg and was comatose the next I saw her. I waited till our tenth anniversary - when she wanted to renew our vows - to see if she would wake, and then made a decision that gave me a lot of sympathy for Mr. Shiavo nearly a year later. Truly it is something that leaves its mark, and your joy in remembering and grief at reaching over in bed and hugging thin air will come as they will.

Where to go from here is something no one can dictate to you. It will take time and some pain, but know that we are here to walk with you in the dark places.

Actually, one woman I knew mainly from her voice on the radio just passed away, a bold BBW named Andrea Lewis who hosted the morning show and more recently the Sunday Sedition show on KPFA. One never knows how long a shining light will burn.
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:55 AM   #83
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It is as I wrote once in response to one fellow who asked how worried about longevity of a partner he should be: if one takes being a life-mate seriously, there are two possible outcomes, you will bury her or she will bury you. My first wife went in for a broken leg and was comatose the next I saw her. I waited till our tenth anniversary - when she wanted to renew our vows - to see if she would wake, and then made a decision that gave me a lot of sympathy for Mr. Shiavo nearly a year later. Truly it is something that leaves its mark, and your joy in remembering and grief at reaching over in bed and hugging thin air will come as they will.

Where to go from here is something no one can dictate to you. It will take time and some pain, but know that we are here to walk with you in the dark places.

Actually, one woman I knew mainly from her voice on the radio just passed away, a bold BBW named Andrea Lewis who hosted the morning show and more recently the Sunday Sedition show on KPFA. One never knows how long a shining light will burn.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps to hear these stories and know that other's have walked this path and come out on the other side. It gives me hope that I, too will make it. I am sorry for your loss. It's really hard to make that decision. Harold could have lived indefinitely, his body was strong but that was not what he wanted, so I let him go.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:12 AM   #84
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I hope you are right. I feel so out of control right now. It's completely surreal. I was sitting in my bedroom chair and the box that holds my husband's ashes was sitting on the foot of the bed. I thought to myself, my husband is sitting on the foot of the bed. I try to figure it out but my brain won't let me go there. It moves my mind to something else. It's a very strange process.
{{{{Amy}}}}
I was able to refer to my self as a widow semi-easily in the beginning because it I could not refer to Bill as "dead" at all for well over a year. I could easily say other people were dead, but not him; the words "Bill" and "dead" in the same sentence simply would not connect. It took even longer to stop referring to him in the present tense and naturally start saying "my late husband".

You're about to slam head-on into what was the hardest part of it all for me, the first major holidays with out him. Your friends/family are going to drive you crazy either by checking up on you for what feels like every other second, or by walking on eggshells around you or by trying to gloss over it and all the platitudes you've already heard ad nauseum, will be repeated tri-fold. Keep reminding yourself, they/we all mean well. Some bumps you're going to plow through, some are going to need some time to traverse; go at your own speed. This too is part of the very strange process.

You will be there when you get there.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:26 AM   #85
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{{{{Amy}}}}
I was able to refer to my self as a widow semi-easily in the beginning because it I could not refer to Bill as "dead" at all for well over a year. I could easily say other people were dead, but not him; the words "Bill" and "dead" in the same sentence simply would not connect. It took even longer to stop referring to him in the present tense and naturally start saying "my late husband".

You're about to slam head-on into what was the hardest part of it all for me, the first major holidays with out him. Your friends/family are going to drive you crazy either by checking up on you for what feels like every other second, or by walking on eggshells around you or by trying to gloss over it and all the platitudes you've already heard ad nauseum, will be repeated tri-fold. Keep reminding yourself, they/we all mean well. Some bumps you're going to plow through, some are going to need some time to traverse; go at your own speed. This too is part of the very strange process.

You will be there when you get there.
I know it's going to be a really horrible month or two, and even now no one asks me how I'm doing. They will ask my mother how I'm doing, in hushed tones. I find it really annoying but I know they mean well. They don't want to upset me. I still refer to my husband in the present tense and I'm sure I will for a long time.
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Old 11-19-2009, 09:57 AM   #86
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I know it's going to be a really horrible month or two, and even now no one asks me how I'm doing. They will ask my mother how I'm doing, in hushed tones. I find it really annoying but I know they mean well. They don't want to upset me. I still refer to my husband in the present tense and I'm sure I will for a long time.
I was reading a book (and i can't actually even remember what it was now!). It was talking about when people die, how you lose other things like how you have to relate to that person in words. "My mum did" and not "My mum does"- Almost as if you have to learn a whole new way of speaking. I don't think it matters how you refer to your husband. You should refer to him in whatever way you feel you can/ want to. (Oh actually i think the book might have been 'tuedays with morrie'..which i would recomend at some point, maby not while you are so newly sore but it is sad and about death but also hopeful and about life..hmm sorry for the rambles Amy)- I remember in the book it said "Death ends a life, not a relationship". I though this was quite beautiful because in a way even though we have lost so much, we have not lost everything, like our shared experiences and our memories. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but i liked the thought that we still have relationships with those who have died, even in some way.
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Old 11-19-2009, 03:03 PM   #87
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I remember in the book it said "Death ends a life, not a relationship". I though this was quite beautiful because in a way even though we have lost so much, we have not lost everything, like our shared experiences and our memories. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but i liked the thought that we still have relationships with those who have died, even in some way.

I think that is very profound...You are right just because a person dies it does not mean we did not still share a relationship with them..It is just in a different way...I still talk to my Mom and brothers when things are bothering me...I still share all of my life with them...

When my g'baby was born the first thing I did was tell my Mom how beautiful she was and how much she would have loved her..To this day I talk to my Mom about how much she is growing and how she has both her Mom's and Dad's personalities..It gives me peace...
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