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Old 01-04-2010, 11:30 PM   #26
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I have lived a life of few regrets; however, the most painful regret I have is not having self-love and self-acceptance when I was a young woman. I cringe at the thought of it. Whether I was fat or thin, and I was both I never saw myself as attractive or desirable. Since I believed that I was fundamentally ugly, all my energy went into studying art and cultivating my mind to the exclusion of relationships. If a man showed any interest in me I concluded that he was crazy or a pervert. It is a mystery that I managed to get married, and my husband insisted that it was my intellect that attracted him not my body. Self acceptance began the day when I held my new born son. He was so perfect to me that I had to consider that he could not come from someone so defective.

I still feel the pain of that body hatred. Today I am more accepting of myself, and I love my body and adore that fact that I see this chubby woman when I walk past a store window. Self acceptance came late, and I lost those years when I could have enjoyed being a femme fatale.
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:56 AM   #27
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For me, it is the flip side of the coin. Any man who told me or led me to believe that he was interested in me only because of my body size (be it thin or fat) didn't get to stay in my life for very long. I didn't need them. Sometimes I considered them "casual dates" and felt that they were fine for the good times and ego boosts, but they weren't relationship material. I never seemed to have trouble finding somebody to be in a relationship with who was interested in the whole package and didn't freak out and lose his attraction to me or get all controlling over it if I started to change my appearance in some way. If somebody wanted to get to know me because they were really into one specific aspect of my appearance (weight, height, build, hair, fashion sense, etc...) I would look for clues as to whether it was an obsession or just an initial attraction that had something of substance to back it up.

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Old 01-05-2010, 10:06 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by katherine22 View Post
I have lived a life of few regrets; however, the most painful regret I have is not having self-love and self-acceptance when I was a young woman. I cringe at the thought of it. Whether I was fat or thin, and I was both I never saw myself as attractive or desirable. Since I believed that I was fundamentally ugly, all my energy went into studying art and cultivating my mind to the exclusion of relationships. If a man showed any interest in me I concluded that he was crazy or a pervert. It is a mystery that I managed to get married, and my husband insisted that it was my intellect that attracted him not my body. Self acceptance began the day when I held my new born son. He was so perfect to me that I had to consider that he could not come from someone so defective.

I still feel the pain of that body hatred. Today I am more accepting of myself, and I love my body and adore that fact that I see this chubby woman when I walk past a store window. Self acceptance came late, and I lost those years when I could have enjoyed being a femme fatale.
they wouldn't let me rep you again. but i think you are still a femme fatale beautiful woman.
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Old 01-06-2010, 02:23 PM   #29
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Oy, the old "FAs are only interested in fat!" chestnut. The thing is, yeah, there are some fat-obsessed ones out there with a gift for making a woman feel like a faceless pile of lard. A fair number of them, in fact, and it feels kind of awful when you meet one. You feel objectified, and uncomfortable, dehumanized, and just... icky, for lack of a better word. I think they're not much different than non-FAs that are obsessed with breasts, or asses, or whatever, to the point of caring more about the physical attribute(s) than the person to whom they belong. Why should this community be any different than the rest of the world? We have great guys and not-so-great guys, and the same can be said for the women. But with some pretty basic common sense, it's not difficult to figure out which FAs are in it just for the fat, and which are as picky as you or I in terms of personality, intelligence, humor, etc., are looking for a real connection with a woman AND happen to be attracted to/turned on by the fat female figure. The latter situation, when you find it, is amazing. What's not to like about a man finding YOU, as a person, beautiful, and the package you're wrapped in hot as fuck? Sign me up, please.

Being fat doesn't mean you're obligated to date a FA, far from it. I just have known and dated some very fine men who happened to be FAs, and it kind of hurts my heart a little to think how they must feel when reading some of the things we say about them, like all they're interested in in a woman is fat. It's not always a walk in the park, being an open FA, and the jerky FAs who ARE only in it for the fat just make it harder for the decent guys to navigate around this community, which really chaps my ass. And truthfully, it offends me a bit to read the sweeping generalizations about FAs, because I date FAs exclusively. A lot of you are pretty familiar with me by now. Do I seem like a woman who would be happily dehumanized and objectified, and doesn't require anything in a mate but that he love fat? Yikes. If that were true, I'd date a hell of a lot more than I do.

I think being into FAs or not is a very personal choice, and that's how it should be. I totally respect a fat woman's choice not to date them, if she's not comfortable with it. I just get tired of the same old broad brush being used time after time to paint all FAs the same way - and as a result, the fat women who do date/partner/whatever with them.
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Old 01-06-2010, 02:41 PM   #30
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... and the jerky FAs who ARE only in it for the fat...

I would write jerky guys.

They are not FAs in my opinion. There's more to that term than just liking fat, and the of the label (more used as an accusation and term of derision around here rather than a simple descriptor of a person who prefers large partners) is the biggest issue here.

I still fully agree - there are shit FAs (people) and great ones (people) - they're not all good or all bad, but this whole "it's only about fat and nothing else" - that's not an FA. That's a tool.
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Old 01-06-2010, 03:40 PM   #31
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There are WAY too many halos offered at the shrine of fa'ness ( not talking individuals...talkin' about the Official Label ). lol The jerk who prefers fat people...is a jerk who prefers fat people. I don't come here thinking that, because I am fat, I float above the clouds. Why should simply being an fa get a person more applause. I call BS on the thinking that the term fa is used all over the place with a sneer. I think that what sometimes happens is that there are fa's who hide behind that label, thinking that's all they really have to be, and that fat people should be grateful. I personally have never even given much thought to the silly idea that if a person prefers fat people...omg!...that must be all they like!! The Fat!! Nevermind the heart...soul...brain...all most of 'em want is that dere fat. I get the being oversensitive, but, really, I mostly see people who are dealing with individuals, and attitudes that stem from some who wear the label and think that's all they have to do to be adored. ( this happens with some fat people, too ) Being an fa is about liking the fat body......everything else, good or bad, comes from what is inside the person....the things that are there no matter the package a man or woman prefers.

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Old 01-06-2010, 06:26 PM   #32
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I would write jerky guys.

They are not FAs in my opinion. There's more to that term than just liking fat, and the of the label (more used as an accusation and term of derision around here rather than a simple descriptor of a person who prefers large partners) is the biggest issue here.

I still fully agree - there are shit FAs (people) and great ones (people) - they're not all good or all bad, but this whole "it's only about fat and nothing else" - that's not an FA. That's a tool.
you know i'm beginning to think that might be true myself. that quite a few of those guys might not be really FAs for another reason. of course the ones who treat BBWs badly are just guys who are low lifes overall and feel fat women are easy targets. i was talking to an FA friend of mine one night and he kind of brought something else to my attention. he asked me if i noticed that when those guys show at an event that they will often go for the thin girls that happen to be there. he believes they are just loser guys who think they can't get the time of day unless they can find a woman who feels bad about herself. a lot of them are probably under the misconception that you can easily find fat women who are desperate and easily manipulated. he was saying that the guys who are really FAs aren't generally there for the thin girls and don't really pay them much attention there even if they are the type who likes a variety of sizes. why? because when they do go to an event they are making a special effort to meet big girls in particular. so it really doesn't make much sense to take the trouble to do all the traveling and go to all that expense just to spend the entire time running after the LBWs (little beautiful women) who often show up to support thier friends. so some of those guys might not really be FAs in any sense whatsoever.

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Old 01-11-2010, 03:16 PM   #33
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When I read your post the first thing I thought was :I am soooooo sorry that you had to go through that.

The second thing I thought was:

Holy crap. This is me. I have been overweight my entire life and I have always been 2x bigger than all of my classmates. I have had sooo many guys ask me out and then snicker to their friends about it. Just last week this guy walked up to me and said "my friend wants to go out with you" and they were all laughing at me and calling me fat. It was horrible. I always try to be the better person in these scenarios but it did make me really sad. For the rest of the day all I kept thinking was "I hate my body, and I hate how fat am." It was a really suckish day after that incident.

Anyway, as a result of this type of behavior I don't really trust guys all that much. Even when I get compliments from them I never think they are real.

I also want to add that I am African American but Happyface83's experiences are not my own. I kind of wish they were though. lol

Strangely, enough through out my life I have been treated more rudely by black men, than any other race so I don't think you can really put an ethnicity on this sort of thing. I think people are rude because they just are, and it has nothing to do with skin color. Neither do preferences really. I just think in some cultures certain preferences are celebrated more while in others it can be unspoken. Sure men of color might be KNOWN to like thicker women but I still got/get made fun of...A LOT.

I don't want to start a pity party but do you guys know that Fergie song "Big girls don't cry"? One of my worst memories is being 10 yrs old and having this boy say really hateful things to me about how fat and ugly I was. I'm really sensitive, so in true "me" nature, I teared up. The boy then proceeded to get the entire bus to sing that old school "big girls don't cry"song by Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. I was mortified. Needless to say every time I hear that Fergie song, I get a little upset. I mean why the hell can't big girls cry?

All of this rambling is to say that unfortunately for me, I have never found anyone that I feel loves me despite of my size apart from my family members.

a lot of this could just be me. I have a hard time excepting love because in all honesty I struggle just to love myself. I'm forever thinking "gee, I'd be a great person if I lost 100 pounds.." So maybe I have to be the person who loves me no matter my size and everything else will come after.

Does that make sense?
i'm sorry you have to go through such things. at least you have family who loves you. i don't even have that. i don't have people outwardly making fun of me, but they might as well, because of they way they treat me, then i have to get really ugly with them to get them out of my life.

i don't trust guys either, i always think they are "up to something" when they ask me out. usually they want to lure me somewhere to talk me into having sex or try to force me into having sex.

but what usually surprise me are when those "model" type guys hit on me. i don't know whether to take them seriously or not...i feel afraid like they might hurt me or something....i don't know....
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