Why can't I own a Canadian?

[Ernest Nagel]

This has been around quite awhile and I know most of us have seen it but I think it's still worth recycling every now and again. Rubbing Strict Interpretationists noses in it doesn't change them, of course, but it's still fun.

http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/...ian_10-02.html


Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Respectful apologies to my Canadian friends; no offense attended.

[butch]

This letter always makes me laugh. Thanks for reposting it, Ernest.

[mergirl]

yup. Love reading it. I used to share a flat with a girl and her dad was a very strict christian. My other flatmate had put up an old tongue in cheek marquise de sade cartoon poster up in the bathroom and when he came to visit he tore it down and blamed me for perverting their minds. (actually i had snogged her ..but beside the point ). He kept telling her about that bit in the bible.. I mentioned another bit which stated that, women raped in the countryside should be stoned to death and if they are raped in the town the rapist has to pay a gold coin to the father and then marry her. (or something along those lines)
There was many a discussion that evening and i enjoyed it so much.
I do think it's good to have a few of these funny quotes from above memorised, just incase you ever get hit with the old .."well the bible says you are bad" rubbish.