Internet Dating: Crazy First Messages

LovelyLiz · 04-21-2010, 05:03 PM

I got a message today on POF that made me think of some of the totally ridiculous/tasteless/hilarious initial contacts my friends and I sometimes get on internet dating sites. It makes no sense to me that someone could say some of these things, and actually expect a woman to reply! Insane.

So I thought it might be funny for us to copy and paste some of these first messages that some of us (women and men!) may get from time to time, just to laugh, and to learn some valuable lessons about internet dating.

I don't have a really great one to start out with, I usually just delete them, so I'll just post the one from today that prompted this thread. This one isn't so much funny, as just tasteless. But it will have to do for now.

"you have with out a doubt some very hot and perfect boobs ive ever seen. they look great. the picture of you in red and blue they look so damn good. hit me up if your up for chatting."

Classy. How are you still single, man?

Lesson: Do not mention someone's boobs in your first message.

And another one, for good measure. This one is from the "I lie and am also too lazy to compose a different message for every girl I send a message to" type. I love the first line, how he can't even bother to put in my age and just says "age as said on your profile." HILARIOUS.

"Hi, You look so innocent and younger than your age as said on your profile couldn't help saying Hi, I love to get acquainted to you if you don't mind . How often do you smile I love to laugh, and I am a bit of an extrovert myself Presently I am working on a contract in Aberdeen Scotland, hope to return soon my job is kinda demanding but I still have time for my loved ones I have a daughters I love so much. I'm a widower I lost my wife an African America some years ago to cancer I have been a lonely man since then how about you?, I will be really obliged to have correspondence with you I am very easy going with dreams and inspiration for the future life is too short to toy with I don't have time for games.........."

Lesson: Go ahead and put forth the effort to write a unique message to each girl you're interested in. It's not that hard.

Nutty · 04-21-2010, 05:07 PM

wow ahahahaha those are hilarious!

spiritangel · 04-21-2010, 05:11 PM

there is always the classic

"got any pics of you naked?"

I think that one is such a turn off

LovelyLiz · 04-21-2010, 05:22 PM

True. I guess the upside is that in these cases it's so easy to separate the wheat from the chaff.

spiritangel · 04-21-2010, 06:19 PM

there is also the very creepy things like "If you were mine Id never let you go" when you barely know the person, how do you get all that from one picture of me lol

I am sure there are more classics but I have cleaned them out of my facebook inbox

CastingPearls · 04-21-2010, 06:29 PM

Ummmm....it's been a few years but I recall a few:

Marry me.

I am working on an agricultural project and need financial support and you have beautiful breasts and can you help me with a visa? (one sentence)

I'm really not into big women but you intrigue me (then what are you doing subscribing to a BBW specific personals mag?)

I have to be up front that I am married but my wife is totally understanding of my 'special' needs. (special?)

jdsumm · 04-21-2010, 08:19 PM

Ok, I just got this one today:

"I require a submissive a woman who just wants to have one thing on her mind behind closed doors for moments of hot passionate stimulation that like wearing erotic clothing (lingerie ,stockings ,leather high heels or boots)....i have had enough of the long term relationship & marriage situation to last me a lifetime if you're looking for those two things then you need not look my way."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY??? Apparently he did not bother to read ANY of my profile.

The one message I really found the craziest, so far (which I posted on a thread around here somewhere before) was the guy who after 2 sentences of sweet talking me about what he liked about my pic and profile said this:

"I want to suck your toes and paint them blue, red or black will do, but I prefer blue."

I am really curious to know if these guys actually get dates with messages like these. I know they have all but convinced me to not look for dates online. I still read the messages though....just in case the needle in the haystack shows up.

littlefairywren · 04-21-2010, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcbeth

I got a message today on POF that made me think of some of the totally ridiculous/tasteless/hilarious initial contacts my friends and I sometimes get on internet dating sites. It makes no sense to me that someone could say some of these things, and actually expect a woman to reply! Insane.

So I thought it might be funny for us to copy and paste some of these first messages that some of us (women and men!) may get from time to time, just to laugh, and to learn some valuable lessons about internet dating.

I don't have a really great one to start out with, I usually just delete them, so I'll just post the one from today that prompted this thread. This one isn't so much funny, as just tasteless. But it will have to do for now.

"you have with out a doubt some very hot and perfect boobs ive ever seen. they look great. the picture of you in red and blue they look so damn good. hit me up if your up for chatting."

Classy. How are you still single, man?

Lesson: Do not mention someone's boobs in your first message.

And another one, for good measure. This one is from the "I lie and am also too lazy to compose a different message for every girl I send a message to" type. I love the first line, how he can't even bother to put in my age and just says "age as said on your profile." HILARIOUS.

"Hi, You look so innocent and younger than your age as said on your profile couldn't help saying Hi, I love to get acquainted to you if you don't mind . How often do you smile I love to laugh, and I am a bit of an extrovert myself Presently I am working on a contract in Aberdeen Scotland, hope to return soon my job is kinda demanding but I still have time for my loved ones I have a daughters I love so much. I'm a widower I lost my wife an African America some years ago to cancer I have been a lonely man since then how about you?, I will be really obliged to have correspondence with you I am very easy going with dreams and inspiration for the future life is too short to toy with I don't have time for games.........."

Lesson: Go ahead and put forth the effort to write a unique message to each girl you're interested in. It's not that hard.

That there - the "I am working far from home, dead wife (always cancer), and I have a child or children to support"........drives me insane. I have had so many of these that is is laughable. I finally lost my patience with the last one, and told him that I get so many messages from scammers with the same story. He got aggro then, and offered to show me pictures of his dead wife. YES, dead wife in her coffin...from the funeral. Classy!

CastingPearls · 04-21-2010, 08:33 PM

OMG one guy conveniently FORGOT he had a wife until midway through our first coffee-date. I knew he had kids so I asked him if he had any pics and he handed me one of the ENTIRE FAMILY. I said, 'Oh....is this your ex?' and he said, 'Oh.....um.....'

Yeah. I got a million of 'em.

Jon Blaze · 04-21-2010, 08:45 PM

Ay......
I sent two messages there when I was single.
One was a response, and the other was "Regardless of if I ever get to meet: You are stunning!" Not LOL BEWBS

BigBeautifulMe · 04-21-2010, 09:08 PM

Subscribing! I got some doozies when I was single and using POF and OKCupid.

Pear320 · 04-21-2010, 09:10 PM

I usually take the silly (insincere) messages with a grain of salt, but this one stood out as it was "confusing" .. a little insulting .. AND hilarious at the same time!

It went something like this:

"Hi, i like ur photo. Ur kinda pretty for an old lady. Think you'd have a prob fitting in a 97 Ford Escort?"

littlefairywren · 04-21-2010, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pear320

I usually take the silly (insincere) messages with a grain of salt, but this one stood out as it was "confusing" .. a little insulting .. AND hilarious at the same time!

It went something like this:

"Hi, i like ur photo. Ur kinda pretty for an old lady. Think you'd have a prob fitting in a 97 Ford Escort?"

OMG that is hilarious....hahaha, way to go Mr Smooth

BigBeautifulMe · 04-21-2010, 09:16 PM

OH wait. I remember one!

The sole content of his message was "I'm interest"

I wrote him back "who asked if you were?" Yeah, I know, bitchy.

LOL.

If I'd thought about it more I would have said "compound or variable?"

CastingPearls · 04-21-2010, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pear320

I usually take the silly (insincere) messages with a grain of salt, but this one stood out as it was "confusing" .. a little insulting .. AND hilarious at the same time!

It went something like this:

"Hi, i like ur photo. Ur kinda pretty for an old lady. Think you'd have a prob fitting in a 97 Ford Escort?"

That just made me spray iced tea out of my nose.

LovelyLiz · 04-21-2010, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jdsumm

Ok, I just got this one today:

"I require a submissive a woman who just wants to have one thing on her mind behind closed doors for moments of hot passionate stimulation that like wearing erotic clothing (lingerie ,stockings ,leather high heels or boots)....i have had enough of the long term relationship & marriage situation to last me a lifetime if you're looking for those two things then you need not look my way."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY??? Apparently he did not bother to read ANY of my profile.

The one message I really found the craziest, so far (which I posted on a thread around here somewhere before) was the guy who after 2 sentences of sweet talking me about what he liked about my pic and profile said this:

"I want to suck your toes and paint them blue, red or black will do, but I prefer blue."

I am really curious to know if these guys actually get dates with messages like these. I know they have all but convinced me to not look for dates online. I still read the messages though....just in case the needle in the haystack shows up.

HA HA HA! Yes. I love the ones you directly cut and pasted - those ones with all the details are THE BEST.

This compare and contrast your clueless/creepy emails game is fun.

These are the guys who never read profiles. I have it very clear in my profile (probably like many of us) that I'm not just looking for a casual hook-up, and yet, the number of messages that say "hey, wanna hook up? i'm awake right now - here's my number" are astounding.

Keep 'em coming ladies and gents!

LovelyLiz · 04-21-2010, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pear320

I usually take the silly (insincere) messages with a grain of salt, but this one stood out as it was "confusing" .. a little insulting .. AND hilarious at the same time!

It went something like this:

"Hi, i like ur photo. Ur kinda pretty for an old lady. Think you'd have a prob fitting in a 97 Ford Escort?"

So you went out with him in his Escort, right? I mean, how could you turn down such a kind, respectful offer?

BeautifulBigD · 04-21-2010, 11:50 PM

When I was on POF, I used to get stupid messages; such as...
"It's my birthday, how about you meet me for some birthday sex?"
"I'm interesting on you. Want to cuddle in the couch." (Said that exact way)
"I'm not a very sensitive guy, but I've got a huge penis"

Some men are so classy

Pear320 · 04-22-2010, 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlefairywren

OMG that is hilarious....hahaha, way to go Mr Smooth

LOL I wonder where he went to charm school!

Pear320 · 04-22-2010, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CastingPearls

That just made me spray iced tea out of my nose.

I have to say I'm still laughing over it .. I would have answered him if I hadn't been so "stupified" by his approach!

Pear320 · 04-22-2010, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcbeth

So you went out with him in his Escort, right? I mean, how could you turn down such a kind, respectful offer?

Well, even though it was a REALLY painful decision, I did turn him down. lol

spiritangel · 04-22-2010, 07:05 AM

funniest for me of late was my first chat with someone

and I asked them what they did for a living got an answer asked if he liked his job and he said no and I asked what his dream job was

wait for it ladies

"Porn Star" some other answer "no pornstar"

and apparently any man who diddnt say the same was lying cause it was every man's dream job

he got removed from the friends list quick smart

so did the guy who when talking about cuddles and I innocently without thinking said Kisses are good too who then went into great deatain about wanting to "tongue kiss me" hmmmmm

I think it takes enormous courage to approach a stranger but omg at least wait till you have known me more than 5 minutes before these things lol

Carrie · 04-22-2010, 07:33 AM

Oooooh. I'm kicking myself for deleting my dating profile a few weeks ago, because now I can't give you the exact wording of one of my favorite "intro" emails ever. It was something along the lines of, "Well, you're older than I'd like, and bigger, but we live nearby, so I guess I'm willing to give you a try."

Geography can be so romantic.

Jes · 04-22-2010, 07:38 AM

I got one in which the guy talked about my photo. But I was delighted with his idea for a nice get together:
I want to t.f. them

Now, I knew immediately, IMMEDIATELY, that he was saying titty fuck, even though that's not the most common thing to say, nor overly obvious from t.f. But I just knew, almost in real time. And I reported him and he was removed.

I don't think most of these guys are serious, at all. Most men seem not to read our ads, and most have no intention of getting together (for reasons already stated--married, in a different state, criminally insane). But these men like to have fantasy lives, they like to say things they'd never say in public and they live to abuse and control. Creepy.

ps: my profile photo is one of me, in a shirt and a windbreaker, at a Walk-A-Thon event. You can't really even tell I HAVE boobs. But I do feel better knowing that a random stranger would like to t.f. whatever I have on my chest. Comforting.

Carrie · 04-22-2010, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jes

I got one in which the guy talked about my photo. But I was delighted with his idea for a nice get together:
I want to t.f. them

Now, I knew immediately, IMMEDIATELY, that he was saying titty fuck, even though that's not the most common thing to say, nor overly obvious from t.f. But I just knew, almost in real time.

Or maybe he wanted to tapioca.flan. them?

I thought of titty fuck immediately, too.

04-21-2010, 05:03 PM	#1
LovelyLiz Master Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 3,278	Internet Dating: Crazy First Messages I got a message today on POF that made me think of some of the totally ridiculous/tasteless/hilarious initial contacts my friends and I sometimes get on internet dating sites. It makes no sense to me that someone could say some of these things, and actually expect a woman to reply! Insane. So I thought it might be funny for us to copy and paste some of these first messages that some of us (women and men!) may get from time to time, just to laugh, and to learn some valuable lessons about internet dating. I don't have a really great one to start out with, I usually just delete them, so I'll just post the one from today that prompted this thread. This one isn't so much funny, as just tasteless. But it will have to do for now. "you have with out a doubt some very hot and perfect boobs ive ever seen. they look great. the picture of you in red and blue they look so damn good. hit me up if your up for chatting." Classy. How are you still single, man? Lesson: Do not mention someone's boobs in your first message. And another one, for good measure. This one is from the "I lie and am also too lazy to compose a different message for every girl I send a message to" type. I love the first line, how he can't even bother to put in my age and just says "age as said on your profile." HILARIOUS. "Hi, You look so innocent and younger than your age as said on your profile couldn't help saying Hi, I love to get acquainted to you if you don't mind . How often do you smile I love to laugh, and I am a bit of an extrovert myself Presently I am working on a contract in Aberdeen Scotland, hope to return soon my job is kinda demanding but I still have time for my loved ones I have a daughters I love so much. I'm a widower I lost my wife an African America some years ago to cancer I have been a lonely man since then how about you?, I will be really obliged to have correspondence with you I am very easy going with dreams and inspiration for the future life is too short to toy with I don't have time for games.........." Lesson: Go ahead and put forth the effort to write a unique message to each girl you're interested in. It's not that hard.

04-21-2010, 06:29 PM	#6
CastingPearls Hello Sweetie Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 14,626	Ummmm....it's been a few years but I recall a few: Marry me. I am working on an agricultural project and need financial support and you have beautiful breasts and can you help me with a visa? (one sentence) I'm really not into big women but you intrigue me (then what are you doing subscribing to a BBW specific personals mag?) I have to be up front that I am married but my wife is totally understanding of my 'special' needs. (special?) __________________ http://castingpearls-blowingbubbles.blogspot.com/ You are that luminosity. You are that clear light. ~ Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche ~ People throw rocks at things that shine.

04-21-2010, 08:19 PM	#7
jdsumm persistently hopeful Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Central Indiana Posts: 153	Ok, I just got this one today: "I require a submissive a woman who just wants to have one thing on her mind behind closed doors for moments of hot passionate stimulation that like wearing erotic clothing (lingerie ,stockings ,leather high heels or boots)....i have had enough of the long term relationship & marriage situation to last me a lifetime if you're looking for those two things then you need not look my way." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY??? Apparently he did not bother to read ANY of my profile. The one message I really found the craziest, so far (which I posted on a thread around here somewhere before) was the guy who after 2 sentences of sweet talking me about what he liked about my pic and profile said this: "I want to suck your toes and paint them blue, red or black will do, but I prefer blue." I am really curious to know if these guys actually get dates with messages like these. I know they have all but convinced me to not look for dates online. I still read the messages though....just in case the needle in the haystack shows up. __________________ All meaning is context dependent

04-21-2010, 08:33 PM	#9
CastingPearls Hello Sweetie Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 14,626	OMG one guy conveniently FORGOT he had a wife until midway through our first coffee-date. I knew he had kids so I asked him if he had any pics and he handed me one of the ENTIRE FAMILY. I said, 'Oh....is this your ex?' and he said, 'Oh.....um.....' Yeah. I got a million of 'em. __________________ http://castingpearls-blowingbubbles.blogspot.com/ You are that luminosity. You are that clear light. ~ Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche ~ People throw rocks at things that shine.

04-21-2010, 08:45 PM	#10
Jon Blaze Dusk Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Oklahoma City, OK ya dig? ;) Posts: 6,700	Ay...... I sent two messages there when I was single. One was a response, and the other was "Regardless of if I ever get to meet: You are stunning!" Not LOL BEWBS __________________ Love people of all sizes!!! History is sometimes more logical than society.- Me "Happiness is not stopping to think if you are."- Palmer Sondreal

04-21-2010, 05:07 PM	#2
Nutty Master Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,631	wow ahahahaha those are hilarious!

04-21-2010, 05:11 PM	#3
spiritangel In the Moment Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Putting one foot in front of the other in the darkness in search of the light Posts: 8,564	there is always the classic "got any pics of you naked?" I think that one is such a turn off

04-21-2010, 05:22 PM	#4
LovelyLiz Master Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 3,278	True. I guess the upside is that in these cases it's so easy to separate the wheat from the chaff.

04-21-2010, 06:19 PM	#5
spiritangel In the Moment Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Putting one foot in front of the other in the darkness in search of the light Posts: 8,564	there is also the very creepy things like "If you were mine Id never let you go" when you barely know the person, how do you get all that from one picture of me lol I am sure there are more classics but I have cleaned them out of my facebook inbox

04-21-2010, 09:08 PM	#11
BigBeautifulMe That was a heart. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 10,188	Subscribing! I got some doozies when I was single and using POF and OKCupid. __________________ "I am a size 0 if you multiply my current size by 0." - liz (di-va) "I just think your culinary choices could use more death of sentient creatures. Is that so wrong?" - Mini -Rosebud- I am imagining how lovely it would be to see your golden hair rising up over my belly when you are between my thighs -Rosebud- Like a cunnilingus sunrise

04-21-2010, 09:10 PM	#12
Pear320 Made in Detroit Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 98	' I usually take the silly (insincere) messages with a grain of salt, but this one stood out as it was "confusing" .. a little insulting .. AND hilarious at the same time! It went something like this: "Hi, i like ur photo. Ur kinda pretty for an old lady. Think you'd have a prob fitting in a 97 Ford Escort?"

04-21-2010, 09:16 PM	#14
BigBeautifulMe That was a heart. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia Posts: 10,188	OH wait. I remember one! The sole content of his message was "I'm interest" I wrote him back "who asked if you were?" Yeah, I know, bitchy. LOL. If I'd thought about it more I would have said "compound or variable?" __________________ "I am a size 0 if you multiply my current size by 0." - liz (di-va) "I just think your culinary choices could use more death of sentient creatures. Is that so wrong?" - Mini -Rosebud- I am imagining how lovely it would be to see your golden hair rising up over my belly when you are between my thighs -Rosebud- Like a cunnilingus sunrise

04-21-2010, 11:50 PM	#18
BeautifulBigD I'm kind of a big deal Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Central Ohio Posts: 72	When I was on POF, I used to get stupid messages; such as... "It's my birthday, how about you meet me for some birthday sex?" "I'm interesting on you. Want to cuddle in the couch." (Said that exact way) "I'm not a very sensitive guy, but I've got a huge penis" Some men are so classy __________________ "I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it." ~ Dorothy Parker

04-22-2010, 07:05 AM	#22
spiritangel In the Moment Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Putting one foot in front of the other in the darkness in search of the light Posts: 8,564	funniest for me of late was my first chat with someone and I asked them what they did for a living got an answer asked if he liked his job and he said no and I asked what his dream job was wait for it ladies "Porn Star" some other answer "no pornstar" and apparently any man who diddnt say the same was lying cause it was every man's dream job he got removed from the friends list quick smart so did the guy who when talking about cuddles and I innocently without thinking said Kisses are good too who then went into great deatain about wanting to "tongue kiss me" hmmmmm I think it takes enormous courage to approach a stranger but omg at least wait till you have known me more than 5 minutes before these things lol

04-22-2010, 07:33 AM	#23
Carrie was made for sunny days. Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Maryland Posts: 6,866	Oooooh. I'm kicking myself for deleting my dating profile a few weeks ago, because now I can't give you the exact wording of one of my favorite "intro" emails ever. It was something along the lines of, "Well, you're older than I'd like, and bigger, but we live nearby, so I guess I'm willing to give you a try." Geography can be so romantic. __________________ "You'd find it easier to be bad than good if you had red hair," said Anne reproachfully. "People who haven't red hair don't know what trouble is."

04-22-2010, 07:38 AM	#24
Jes is oddly aroused Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 16,546	I got one in which the guy talked about my photo. But I was delighted with his idea for a nice get together: I want to t.f. them Now, I knew immediately, IMMEDIATELY, that he was saying titty fuck, even though that's not the most common thing to say, nor overly obvious from t.f. But I just knew, almost in real time. And I reported him and he was removed. I don't think most of these guys are serious, at all. Most men seem not to read our ads, and most have no intention of getting together (for reasons already stated--married, in a different state, criminally insane). But these men like to have fantasy lives, they like to say things they'd never say in public and they live to abuse and control. Creepy. ps: my profile photo is one of me, in a shirt and a windbreaker, at a Walk-A-Thon event. You can't really even tell I HAVE boobs. But I do feel better knowing that a random stranger would like to t.f. whatever I have on my chest. Comforting.

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