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Old 07-01-2010, 07:35 AM   #26
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There is a ton of fantastic advice here, but I have some questions and there is method to my madness I promise

How often do you see his family and specifically his mother?

Can you forgive and move forward and remember that like all of us she is human and we can be stubborn and set in our ways? and can you keep forgiving her because this isnt going to end with this appology it will happen again in some other form

How sensitive are you to comments on your size??

sorry I know that there are other circumstances at play here but, the truth behind it is your boyfriend loves you but also loves his family he has stuck up for you and I feel he is trying to broker peace between you and his mother for everyones sake, You are an amazing soul if it was me I would forgive and move forward because I feel life is to short, if you cant forgive her mayby ask yourself why not? and why you feel the need to hold on and nurture her negativity? after all we are the ones who choose what to do with what is sent our way if that makes sense


just some randome thoughts on the matter

Many hugs as you are in an almost impossible sitchuation and the ball is well and truly in your court at pressent
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Old 07-01-2010, 07:50 AM   #27
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I don't know. Personally I think it's my responsibilty to do something if someone in my family is disrespecting someone that I'm in a relationship with. I've also seen situations where people have reconciled with partners that they had a falling out with, yet the family still held a grudge against him/her. Though all was forgiven within the relationship, members of the family felt free to bring up the past and be a general dick to their partner. Even in those circumstances it was up to the relative to chill out their family members. I think it is up to your boyfriend to stand up for himself.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:41 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by spiritangel View Post
There is a ton of fantastic advice here, but I have some questions and there is method to my madness I promise

How often do you see his family and specifically his mother?
Well like I said- we have a long distance relationship, so I usually go visit him once a month for several days at a time, and he lives at home, so clearly that is an issue. I've said I would stay at a hotel while up there, but he just wants things to be how they were- which is really difficult for me.

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Can you forgive and move forward and remember that like all of us she is human and we can be stubborn and set in our ways? and can you keep forgiving her because this isnt going to end with this appology it will happen again in some other form
This is the part I struggle with the most. Believe me I have asked myself this question SO many times over the last few days- and truth is I don't know. I understand she is human, I do, and even though now she has apologized, it is still gnawing at my gut. I am one of those people who may forgive something but can never ever forget it. I've always been like that- I hold onto things, and I know its bad, but I can't help it. And it wasn't so much what she said- because I even get certain aspects of her concern over my weight, but- calling me a fat cow, and saying I am selfish and don't really care about her son because I don't take care of myself- and saying I should feel lucky to have him because he could get any girl he wants, but settles for me....that has done some serious damage to me as a person.

And I KNOW- and fear you are right- that this apology will NOT be the last time something like this is brought up- although my boyfriend seems to think it is- and I know he is just trying to be the peace maker here. I KNOW he WANTS to believe that, and he thinks I am just being negative and not giving it a try, but I just feel like this is a never ending circle that will come around again.

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How sensitive are you to comments on your size??
Lets put it this way- had it been a few years ago I would still be curled up in my bed crying in fetal position-and while I'm not going to lie and say the horrible comments she made didn't, and don't still hurt- I'm okay with it. I have developed alot tougher skin then I used to have thank goodness. I used to sob and I mean SOB if someone would just call me 'the f word' hell I couldn't even SAY the word FAT growing up during my childhood and teens (I'm 21 now).

I've said this here before, but I have to repeat it. Until I found the BBW/SA community when I was around 15, I very much hated myself. I had extremely low self esteem and would cry on a daily basis because of my weight. Fast forward to recent years and my confidence is at an all time high- a point where I actually feel good about myself, love myself and think I look damn good! But the hurtful things this woman said to me brought back every insecurity I ever had as a kid, and sent me right back to being a 14 year old girl who was severely depressed and hated herself. I've had time to think and I am not at THAT point anymore, but I do feel like my self esteem took a blow here.

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sorry I know that there are other circumstances at play here but, the truth behind it is your boyfriend loves you but also loves his family he has stuck up for you and I feel he is trying to broker peace between you and his mother for everyones sake, You are an amazing soul if it was me I would forgive and move forward because I feel life is to short, if you cant forgive her mayby ask yourself why not? and why you feel the need to hold on and nurture her negativity? after all we are the ones who choose what to do with what is sent our way if that makes sense
I've been trying to analyze this over and over as well- and like I said I think it has to do with my childhood. I'm sure all of us have been teased in the past growing up- its a natural part of any fat girls childhood unfortunately. I just felt like it took me a long time to be where I am- confident with myself- and this was a huge blow to all the progress I've made.
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Old 07-01-2010, 04:22 PM   #29
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And once again I just want to extend a huge thank you to everyone who offerend me advice and kind words here! You all really have helped me so much. I'm still trying my best to deal with the situation, and my boyfriend and I have been talking and we are trying to work things out. He is willing to give me the time I need in dealing with my feelings which is very important to me and I feel like we've made progress.

Thank you all SO much- I really really mean that! When I first was presented with this situation, I didn't know where to turn for comforting words, but I am so glad I came here. You all are wonderful!
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Old 07-01-2010, 07:34 PM   #30
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Hope it all works out for you Fallen.
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Old 07-01-2010, 07:41 PM   #31
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Sent you a personal message instead.
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Old 07-01-2010, 08:37 PM   #32
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Hugs I hope you can find a way to let go of holding onto the negative stuff as it does us no good

but do totally understand where you are comming from as well. Just remember that he has stood up for you, playing piggy in the middle of conflict is never fun and that love is the most important thing in this

how old is your bf btw mayby its time he moved out of home just a thought

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Old 07-02-2010, 12:40 PM   #33
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I don't want to get into specifics here, but how would you handle discrimination because you are fat from your partners parent? I'm not just talking about someone saying 'maybe you should go on a diet' but out and out HATRED, and blatant disrespect because of your weight- right to your face. Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you handle it? I am at a loss right now. I'm in this situation now, my boyfriend's mother was totally horrible to me, and I honestly don't know what to do. I love him, but just can't get over this. Anyone with anything to say, please I can use anything I can get right now!
That is messed up. I mean if I was with my girlfriend, and my mother flat-out said to her she should get skinny and stuff, I would tell her, I like her, and there is nothing you can do about it. You don't judge people on their weight, it is on characteristics, traits and other qualities. The weight is just a bonus.
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Old 07-04-2010, 12:49 PM   #34
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My dear Robin...I know that we haven't talked in a while...life has been nuts and I wish that called and told me all of this :0(. But here's my two cents sista.

I know this will be hard, but i think you need to step back and decide what's more important. Is this something you feel is more important than your relationship? If you think about it, and find that it is more important, then I think you've done the right thing. If you need time to think it over, then express that your significant other and let him know you need to do so.

I'm really sorry, and I miss you. Btw, my aunt says hi! lol.
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Old 07-11-2010, 09:35 AM   #35
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all i have to say is tg i'm getting to the age where all of my bfs mother's are either dead or too frail to do too much.
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Old 07-11-2010, 02:49 PM   #36
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Robin all I can say is when in situations like this stand your ground and never give in.
I have been treated like this from BF's parents for being who I am and them not willing to accept things about me.
The ONE thing that I can't take is a man not standing up to his mother whatever the reason.Treat her respectfully of course but be a man PLEASE!
I have had to cut things off with partners because of other family members and my partner not willing to stand up for me.Just my 2 cents.
Hope you can work things out I really do.
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