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Old 09-28-2009, 07:52 AM   #1
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Default Accepting of Love?

one of the major concerns of BBWs is to be accepted. a lot of times it can be an uphill battle. but it also set me to wondering, how good are we at accepting the love that is offered? what about the positive reinforcement love and admiration we get? how have you evolved when it comes to this issue? what things are still challenging you?

i know that i come from a background where as a woman you're encouraged to be emotionally self sustaining. your encouraged to always be the one giving. that can be a good thing but it also has a whole lot of drawbacks. it can make people feel like they aren't needed. so sometimes that makes it hard to be vulnerable to other people and actually give them the chance to give to me. i still have a whole lot of work to do when it comes to allowing someone to be there for me. its tough. sometimes it takes a lot of effort to take a hand thats offered.

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Old 09-28-2009, 11:40 AM   #2
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Great post girl! I think I realized that I had trouble receiving it when I got an aha moment in a conversation with a couple of my guy friends a few years ago. I was bemoaning the fact that no one was helping me and that I frustrated that people always seem to expect me to give and don't reciprocate. I said I just wish someone wold take care of me for a change! And they together looked at me and said "like you would let them!" I realized that in being a strong and independent woman I never let people see the needs I had and showed my soft underbelly. Since then I have worked at letting people in a little more to give me a hand, see the vunerability I have, and accepting the compliments and love that come my way. As a result I am much happier and while I still have a long way to go I am better able to accept what comes my way.

I have been hurt quite a bit by people close to me throughout life so I find it hard to fully trust when people tell me they love me. After all when you for instance have someone that tells you that you are like a sister to her, have what you think is a great friendship and then they simply walk from your life without a reason you tend to pull back from new folks who profess their love. When your family doesn't have much to do with you to the point of having family gatherings to which you aren't invited you wonder what about you is so unlovable. When it happens over and over I questioned the people, sometimes getting a response I can learn from and sometimes not hearing anything back nor getting a coherent response

What I found was by letting people into your life and loving deeply, you get the kind of love you always desired. I have been adopted by several youth I worked with over the years as their mom because their own mom cannot supply the love and guidance they want. I have great friends who would do anything they can for me, and rebuilt my relationship with my husband after a couple of trying times. Its a work in progress and while being singled out for recognition and wonderful gifts of kindness make me still feel a twinge of being uncomfy, I go with it and express gratitude and try to give back in the measure to which I was given. Bit by bit I am getting there!
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Old 09-28-2009, 08:46 PM   #3
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I have a hard time trusting love.

My brain register's it, yet my heart has a hard time really feeling it most of the time. I've been this way as long as I can remember.
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Old 09-28-2009, 09:52 PM   #4
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It's tough trusting enough to let love in, not that the issue's come up in a long, long while. The difficulties I had with believing myself lovable began way before I attained BBW-dom, the bonus angst from fat haters just put the frosting on the urinal cake.

Through therapy and other personal challenges I think I've come to the point where I could do better at accepting love, continuing the lifelong process of learning to value myself as being worthy of it. I believe part of that acceptance shows itself in my participating here after intermittently lurking for so long.
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Old 09-28-2009, 09:56 PM   #5
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You guys are singing my song. I have the very same problem, accepting love, believing in it, believing I'm worthy of it, and not questioning its veracity or longevity. I think it has to do with the whole abandonment thing mentioned in another (awesome) thread. Given my experience of loss at such a young age, I just don't feel that I can trust love to stick around, and the fear of another loss is just so great that it's like I steel myself against it, just waiting for it to happen.

What has worked for me is, over the years -- from time to time -- just taking a deep breath and being still for a moment, allowing myself to truly feel it when someone tells me they love me. Not thinking inside, "Yeah but I'd be so much more lovable if I'd...." or "You don't truly know me or you wouldn't love me..." or any of the other nonsense I've told myself over the years. Just taking a breath and accepting love is a beautiful thing... when we can bring ourselves to do it, which can be tough because it makes us very, very vulnerable.

But it's so very, very worth it.
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Old 09-28-2009, 10:20 PM   #6
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I'm getting better at accepting love and moral support from friends.

I'm pretty sure I'd be horrible at accepting love in a romantic relationship if it were ever offered to me. I get a lot of admiration, but nothing has ever translated into real or lasting regard. Even my ex-husband never really loved me.

Maybe I ignore subtle offerings of real admiration. Maybe I somehow fuck up my chances with guys I really like without even knowing it. Maybe I'm just super unlucky. Or maybe my timing is just shit. Probably all of the above. I know there are at least two situations where timing has screwed me over - one of them is happening right now.
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Old 09-28-2009, 10:32 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Ruffie View Post
Great post girl! I think I realized that I had trouble receiving it when I got an aha moment in a conversation with a couple of my guy friends a few years ago. I was bemoaning the fact that no one was helping me and that I frustrated that people always seem to expect me to give and don't reciprocate. I said I just wish someone wold take care of me for a change! And they together looked at me and said "like you would let them!" I realized that in being a strong and independent woman I never let people see the needs I had and showed my soft underbelly. Since then I have worked at letting people in a little more to give me a hand, see the vunerability I have, and accepting the compliments and love that come my way. As a result I am much happier and while I still have a long way to go I am better able to accept what comes my way.
I totally resonate with this! I did this experiment about a year ago, where for a whole month I made myself accept ALL help that was offered to me -- no matter if I really felt like I needed it or not. Like, if I'm carrying some grocery bags or something and a friend says, "Need help with that?" I would just let him/her carry some of them, even if I felt I could actually do it on my own. And the same would apply for non-tangible help.

It actually was kind of a helpful exercise -- though just a step along the way. Because ideally I'd like to be able to ask for help more often, when I need it, not just receive it when it's offered. But moving from "turning down all help that is offered" to "receiving some help when it's offered" is a postive move, in my book.

I think I'm going to try that experiment again for October; and I do really feel like it's connected to accepting love. For me it all comes down to being willing to be vulnerable, and love is a deep state of vulnerability.
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Old 09-29-2009, 04:41 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by womanforconversation View Post
I totally resonate with this! I did this experiment about a year ago, where for a whole month I made myself accept ALL help that was offered to me -- no matter if I really felt like I needed it or not. Like, if I'm carrying some grocery bags or something and a friend says, "Need help with that?" I would just let him/her carry some of them, even if I felt I could actually do it on my own. And the same would apply for non-tangible help.

It actually was kind of a helpful exercise -- though just a step along the way. Because ideally I'd like to be able to ask for help more often, when I need it, not just receive it when it's offered. But moving from "turning down all help that is offered" to "receiving some help when it's offered" is a postive move, in my book.

I think I'm going to try that experiment again for October; and I do really feel like it's connected to accepting love. For me it all comes down to being willing to be vulnerable, and love is a deep state of vulnerability.
oooh what a great idea! maybe we can all try it for the month of october and then report back to see how it impacted us? is it okay if i post this somewhere else and maybe start another thread . i think this would be really useful for all of us. i know i'm going to try it.
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:57 AM   #9
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oooh what a great idea! maybe we can all try it for the month of october and then report back to see how it impacted us? is it okay if i post this somewhere else and maybe start another thread . i think this would be really useful for all of us. i know i'm going to try it.
Sure It would be fun to hear how it affects other people who feel like giving it a try. Great idea!
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Old 09-29-2009, 09:02 AM   #10
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This is definitely a timely post for me. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years, but have known each other off and on for about 25 years.

He says he loves me. But I don't love MYSELF, so how can he love me? He used to call me beautiful... as in "Hi beautiful, how are you?" Then about a year ago, he told me that his ex wife is prettier than I am AND she would be prettier than I am even if he had one eye closed. Now I can NEVER believe him if he calls me beautiful. Never.

At my largest, I was just over 300 lbs and that was in 2000. I lost about 50 lbs due to the side effects of medication I was on (Byetta for Type II diabetes). When I lost my insurance, I could no longer get the Byetta (it's about $200 without insurance, per month) and I gained some back and I'm currently around 275. My size 20 clothes are tight, and even some of my 22s are tight. I HATE how I feel. I hate how I look. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate going anywhere.

I feel like my husband is ashamed of me... because *I* am ashamed of me. I guess I feel like I deserve for him to be ashamed of me, and that I don't deserve for him to love me.
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:05 PM   #11
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This is definitely a timely post for me. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years, but have known each other off and on for about 25 years.

He says he loves me. But I don't love MYSELF, so how can he love me? He used to call me beautiful... as in "Hi beautiful, how are you?" Then about a year ago, he told me that his ex wife is prettier than I am AND she would be prettier than I am even if he had one eye closed. Now I can NEVER believe him if he calls me beautiful. Never.
At my largest, I was just over 300 lbs and that was in 2000. I lost about 50 lbs due to the side effects of medication I was on (Byetta for Type II diabetes). When I lost my insurance, I could no longer get the Byetta (it's about $200 without insurance, per month) and I gained some back and I'm currently around 275. My size 20 clothes are tight, and even some of my 22s are tight. I HATE how I feel. I hate how I look. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate going anywhere.

I feel like my husband is ashamed of me... because *I* am ashamed of me. I guess I feel like I deserve for him to be ashamed of me, and that I don't deserve for him to love me.
((((Flutter)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. And I'm sorry but I think I'd be knee deep in my partner's ass if that bolded part was ever said to me. How incredibly disrespectful of him. Have you spoken to him about how hurtful this is to you?
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:57 PM   #12
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First, my sincere apologies to all the ladies for replying to a post in this forum.
Second, I am truly sorry for the hurtful things your husband has said to you and hope that he will have the courage to apologize. Saying "I'm sorry" can be very difficult for the male ego to accept, I know, been there..done that. Finally, please contact the manufacturer of the medication you are no longer able to afford. Most drug companies have programs to provide free medication to qualified individuals. We value your participation here and want the best for your life.
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Old 09-29-2009, 01:13 PM   #13
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ashmamma84, we have discussed it. He says that because he said it while drunk I shouldn't believe it. I say that drunk people tend to actually tell the truth because their tact filter is compromised by the alcohol. I figure if he didn't truly THINK it, he would never have said it, drunk or sober.

As for the meds, I'm going to try to get the Byetta and my insulin (which runs almost $300 per month). I've been skimping on meds and also skipping meals because we can't afford them. I'm hoping the manufacturers can help.
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Old 09-29-2009, 01:33 PM   #14
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Flutterby;

I totally agree that he should not have said it, sober or drunk, ever. No question about that.

But with regards to what he said about 'should listen to it because he was drunk'....OK, I agree that often people tell the truth when they are drunk. But I'm also a believer in Miller's Law of communication, which says roughly "To understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."

So imagining for a moment that what he said is true, what could it be true of?

I wasn't there, and don't know the situation, so I don't know a lot of the possibilities. But I could imagine a few situations in which someone could be tempted to say something like that, and might actually say it if sufficiently drunk:
- angry and looking to hurt you, and knowing where you are insecure knew exactly where to hit so that it would hurt.
- Feeling really insecure about his status with you (and/or feeling rejected by you), and looking to bring you down to compensate, and knowing an area where you could plausibly be talked down.
- Feeling jealous of you for something that he knew he couldn't complain about, so taking it out on you in another area.

Now, none of those are good motivations. But they could have been fairly fleeting emotions, and ones that he may have handled better if sober.

You were there, and might have a better idea of what could have been going on. Or you could ask him to explain how it made sense to him at the time, even drunk, to say that.

In no way is it a good thing, but it may not be the poor regard for your looks that it would appear at first blush.

Best of luck at working through this.
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:58 PM   #15
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Default My heart ,mind & soul...

[QUOTE=superodalisque;1285865]one of the major concerns of BBWs is to be accepted. a lot of times it can be an uphill battle. but it also set me to wondering, how good are we at accepting the love that is offered? what about the positive reinforcement love and admiration we get? how have you evolved when it comes to this issue? what things are still challenging you?

i know that i come from a background where as a woman you're encouraged to be emotionally self sustaining. your encouraged to always be the one giving. that can be a good thing but it also has a whole lot of drawbacks. it can make people feel like they aren't needed. so sometimes that makes it hard to be vulnerable to other people and actually give them the chance to give to me. i still have a whole lot of work to do when it comes to allowing someone to be there for me. its tough. sometimes it takes a lot of effort to take a hand thats offered.[/QUAlways open and ready for love,just hasn't came my way in the form I desire.
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:01 PM   #16
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Ugh, yes. I can so identify with much of what's been written here. I've always had issues accepting love, not trusting it, not letting it in. I hate that it's true, but I can't deny that it is. I've tried to work on it over the years with my therapist and myself, but it's a deeply ingrained habit that can be very hard for me to overcome.

I was raised by, essentially, lesbian parents. My mom would certainly never identify as lesbian; she's deeply afraid of it and incredibly homophobic. She's also deeply afraid of sex and mistrustful of men in general. I have my theories as to why; she lived through a pretty rough childhood. But she's never shared anything with me that would indicate why she has such irrational mistrust of men and fear of sex. I was indoctrinated with her fears and mistrust from a very early age. Our relationship was at its worst when I started dating my first serious boyfriend in college. She was so afraid of losing me to a guy that she acted out in some very ugly ways.

Due to her deep fear and mistrust of men and sex, my mom never married. She adopted me when she was in her mid-40s, and by that time had established a life with another woman she worked with who shared her opinion about men and adopting children. They bought a house together and decided to pool their financial resources, and were, essentially, a married couple in all but name only. And of course there was no consummation. They had what some might describe as a "Boston marriage," a term that originated in the 19th century for unmarried women who decided to pool their resources, live together as companions, have careers and be independent from male support.

My mom and her housemate didn't have a loving relationship, or really even a friendly one. They tolerated each other, but my mom, who suffers from borderline personality disorder and is untreated, is a very controlling person. She was very verbally abusive to her housemate who was already not a very confident woman. I saw the verbal abuse and control wear down her housemate's confidence and I watched her personality change until her thoughts and feelings basically became carbon copies of my mom's. My mom never trusted her housemate to be a good moral support system for her without the control.

So observing these patterns as I was growing up and dealing with my mom's indoctrination of mistrust and fear when it came to men and sex has really done a number on my head. I'm still working on it, still trying to overcome my issues, and I think I can recognize my mistrust when it appears. I haven't had a lot of opportunities to put it in practice lately, though, and take it beyond theory. I'd like to have that chance again.
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Old 08-12-2010, 12:50 AM   #17
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Hmmm I like to think I am open to love.However as soon as I like a guy I
start looking for his brand of disappointment and I am sure that is not healthy but it is a learned behavior and I have not NOT been disappointed yet.

Help is very hard for me because I think/feel
that no one can be truly relied upon to always be there.
Even in their best intentions people can fail you when you need it most.
So I really live relying ONLY upon myself. Can be very lonely but the alternative is far too scary for me.

I can let someone carry my bags or give me a ride etc I am talking more about long term reliance/help.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:36 PM   #18
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Well i feel this way when i get into a relationship because it's difficult to listen someone say that i am loveable and beautiful when i don't always believe it. When i was with my ex boyfriend, in the beginning of the relationship he would tell me all the time how much he loved me and thought i was beautiful, but the last two yrs (we were together 4yrs) he just stopped.

Then he started telling how much i needed to change like your arms are too big, you always pick on me about the little things, why can't you have more confidence, or (my favorite..grr) why do you have to be soo dammed insecure i hate it. I guess that's why we aren't together anymore (we broke up in january) and i'm single.

But i digress, accepting love is easy in the beginning, but it's learning to continually accept that love each and everyday that feels totally impossible sometimes like when you have those insecure and "i feel fat days." I know for me on those days or moments it is very difficult to accept love, compliments, or admiration.

Hopefully someday it will get a little easier to always accept love in a romantic relationship.

"true love is acceptance of who we are in the present, who we were in the past and who we will be in the future." (this is me)
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