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Old 09-01-2010, 07:31 PM   #1
kk83
 
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Unhappy Is it wrong to hide?

I'll try to keep it short and sweet, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. I'm at least glad I'm in like company, and maybe someone can share their experiences in similar situations.

I'm a 26-year-old female, and for as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed (for lack of a better word, perhaps) about gaining, FA, and all. I would stuff, water bloat, and play pretend, but in reality, I have always been obsessive about my own size. I am disgusted and horrified if I gain weight or have extra fat on my body, and I kick myself whenever I go weeks without going to the gym.

That being said, however, I am very, very much into my boyfriends gaining weight. My first boyfriend was a big guy. I've dated big and thin fellows, and with the latter, I always want to try to get them to gain weight. It's a joke around family and friends that my boyfriends will get fat if they hang around me too much, but we always attribute it to my love of cooking and baking. I'm quite a neurotic nurturer, and I'm always in the kitchen making things from soup for a sick co-worker to plates of desserts for social gaming and drinking buddies. It's how I show that I care for people, yet it has transcended that.

I'm afraid I'm getting too into it. I find myself counting calories and finding the most caloric meals on restaurant websites to give to my boyfriend. I'll sneak things in (like replacing cream for milk in recipes or drinks) to make it heartier. But I have never told this boyfriend my preference. He's a tall, thin guy, and the weight he has put on is already noticeable because of how skinny he is. I feel guilty that I don't reveal this, but how much am I really obligated to reveal?

I've joked, more than once, that I warned him that getting into a relationship with me will more than likely yield some weight gain for him. Over a meal I've made for us all, our friends will comment that he's gonna get fat. He'll say, "Oh, I know!" and grab his (little) belly for emphasis. Sometimes, he will make comments about it, but they're never angry or frustrated. They're more remarks on it, sometimes interjected with "ughs" or "I need to lose weight," but it's not like he does anything about it. Hell, to even try to alleviate my guilt, I'll invite him to go hiking or to the gym with me, but he never comes with.

He doesn't like big girls, and he's said off-handedly, that if he ever got "fat like that" (referring to say, someone on TV) or if he weighed the weight of an acquaintance (200lbs +), he'd kill himself. Now, duh, of course he wouldn't actually do THAT. But I can't help but feel that I'm lying or being manipulative or evil here.

I do cook for him, a lot. He's used to it now. He'll ask me what I'm cooking, he'll ask me to make him stuff, so it's not like I'm forcing this on him. But I think I'm getting too ambitious, too into this, and I feel just so damn guilty.

I don't know if I could ever come totally clean. There are just some people who may not totally understand my preference, and I don't blame them. There are certainly some things I don't like out there, so I'm not expecting someone to be totally understanding about my preferences. I'm not about to just blab about it, but I'm wondering if I should drop hints or be a little more upfront. I just don't know, though. I feel guilty, and then part of me says I shouldn't worry about it.

What do you think? Were any of you in a similar situation? How do you come to terms with this? I admit, my FAness (which that alone was difficult to type) is something I still don't fully accept and I feel ashamed about sometimes. Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities onto my relationship? :/
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Old 09-01-2010, 07:47 PM   #2
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FA and Feeder aren't interchangeable terms, so you need to be clear about where your shame lies, in order to get relevant input.
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Old 09-01-2010, 07:54 PM   #3
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I think it's both. I'm a (secretive) feeder, as well as a FA, two things that I have not readily confessed to my boyfriend.
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Old 09-01-2010, 09:21 PM   #4
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You're going to have to discuss this with him. To put it bluntly, you're lying. You're lying about something that is important to you, and possibly important to him. You're lying to just about the last person in the universe you ought to be lying to. I don't see any room for uncertainty on this one; the ethical course of action is clear.

Before you deal with him, however, there is the matter of you yourself. You're going to have to confront your feelings. This is an issue about you, and your comfortableness with yourself. Your boyfriend is just the bystander. You can't make your partner bear the brunt of your insecurities without giving him a chance to understand what is happening. Well, you can...but you shouldn't. When you do that, you're taking love out of a relationship rather than putting more into it.

Perhaps the relationship will dissolve once it all comes out into the open. That happens sometimes. Just remember that, if it does, it wasn't as good a relationship as you may have let yourself believe. If a relationship only works when you're lying, you're doing it wrong. It's also possible that the relationship will be fine, but you'll have to cut out the clandestine fattening. That's an acceptable outcome too, provided that you are able to accept it without selling yourself out. You should ask yourself what you need out of a relationship. If you need to have the fattening element, then you need to be up-front about that when you advertise yourself.

This is a good opportunity to make a related point: The underlying issue here is unrelated both to the amount of weight you'd like him to gain and to the amount of weight he actually gains. It's not about the amount, even though if the amounts involved were small the ethics issue could easily be lost. What this is really about is the value and practice of honesty in a relationship.
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Old 09-01-2010, 09:25 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord J Esq View Post
You're going to have to discuss this with him. To put it bluntly, you're lying. You're lying about something that is important to you, and possibly important to him. You're lying to just about the last person in the universe you ought to be lying to. I don't see any room for uncertainty on this one; the ethical course of action is clear.

Before you deal with him, however, there is the matter of you yourself. You're going to have to confront your feelings. This is an issue about you, and your comfortableness with yourself. Your boyfriend is just the bystander. You can't make your partner bear the brunt of your insecurities without giving him a chance to understand what is happening. Well, you can...but you shouldn't. When you do that, you're taking love out of a relationship rather than putting more into it.

Perhaps the relationship will dissolve once it all comes out into the open. That happens sometimes. Just remember that, if it does, it wasn't as good a relationship as you may have let yourself believe. If a relationship only works when you're lying, you're doing it wrong. It's also possible that the relationship will be fine, but you'll have to cut out the clandestine fattening. That's an acceptable outcome too, provided that you are able to accept it without selling yourself out. You should ask yourself what you need out of a relationship. If you need to have the fattening element, then you need to be up-front about that when you advertise yourself.

This is a good opportunity to make a related point: The underlying issue here is unrelated both to the amount of weight you'd like him to gain and to the amount of weight he actually gains. It's not about the amount, even though if the amounts involved were small the ethics issue could easily be lost. What this is really about is the value and practice of honesty in a relationship.
The last line is the nugget. It's what this whole issue is about, not the fat factors.
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Old 09-01-2010, 10:09 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kk83 View Post
What do you think? Were any of you in a similar situation? How do you come to terms with this? I admit, my FAness (which that alone was difficult to type) is something I still don't fully accept and I feel ashamed about sometimes. Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities onto my relationship? :/
You've been up front with your boyfriend about your love of cooking and you've also warned him beforehand that this is likely to lead to him putting on weight. He seems to enjoy your cooking and you haven't forced food on him. So I think things are ok on that score.

Where things get stickier is putting in ingredients that he may or may not want. The easiest thing to do is just to ask him: "Honey, I could make this with cream, or skim milk. What would you like?"

I also think that you need to think through what you need from a sexual point of view. From your description, it wasn't clear to me whether you fantasized about being fed, fattening someone else, or both, or whether you were only attracted to fat partners or not. As a result, it wasn't clear to me what you need from your bf.

One way to frame the question is this:

Can you imagine yourself happily married long-term to your bf even if he didn't gain weight? If you can imagine that, what other aspects of the relationship would need to develop/change in order to make that possible?
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Old 09-01-2010, 10:47 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord J Esq View Post
You're going to have to discuss this with him. To put it bluntly, you're lying. You're lying about something that is important to you, and possibly important to him. You're lying to just about the last person in the universe you ought to be lying to. I don't see any room for uncertainty on this one; the ethical course of action is clear.

Before you deal with him, however, there is the matter of you yourself. You're going to have to confront your feelings. This is an issue about you, and your comfortableness with yourself. Your boyfriend is just the bystander. You can't make your partner bear the brunt of your insecurities without giving him a chance to understand what is happening. Well, you can...but you shouldn't. When you do that, you're taking love out of a relationship rather than putting more into it.

Perhaps the relationship will dissolve once it all comes out into the open. That happens sometimes. Just remember that, if it does, it wasn't as good a relationship as you may have let yourself believe. If a relationship only works when you're lying, you're doing it wrong. It's also possible that the relationship will be fine, but you'll have to cut out the clandestine fattening. That's an acceptable outcome too, provided that you are able to accept it without selling yourself out. You should ask yourself what you need out of a relationship. If you need to have the fattening element, then you need to be up-front about that when you advertise yourself.

This is a good opportunity to make a related point: The underlying issue here is unrelated both to the amount of weight you'd like him to gain and to the amount of weight he actually gains. It's not about the amount, even though if the amounts involved were small the ethics issue could easily be lost. What this is really about is the value and practice of honesty in a relationship.
Couldn't have put this more eloquently. It's not wrong to have the feelings you do, but it is wrong to actively connive against the will of someone you purportedly love. Either don't do it, or do it candidly should he consent to it.
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Old 09-01-2010, 11:35 PM   #8
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How would you feel if your partner - that you trusted - was secretly modifying you into his ideal vision of you? I don't think you're a bad person, but please be up front with him.
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Old 01-09-2011, 08:35 PM   #9
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Question: is the secretiveness-- the hiding-- part of the thrill for you?

Certainly, if my wife confessed to secretly trying to fatten me, I'd kiss her and say "have a go.". I'd do my best to please her, even if I preferred to stay skinny, because I love her and want to be as attractive as possible to her. But, I would be very grateful for her honesty. Trust is sine qua non to love.

If what she wanted was to do it secretly, I'd play along-- but it would be more like a sexy game, because we'd both know the the score. We'd be playing consensually. Would a situation like that with your bf be suitable to your needs? Or must it be secret to be hot?
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