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Old 08-02-2011, 05:34 PM   #1
CandaceLeighHK
 
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Unhappy Confessing to my family...

Most of family knows that I am into girls...
I've liked them since 6th grade... officially confessed it to myself in 7th & told most of my friends beginning of my 9th grade year...
Throughout the years i've been selective on which family members i tell because one of two things happens...
1. they tell me it's a phase or 2. they stop talking to me...

Most of my family, mainly my grandparents, are old fashioned... being gay/lesbian/queer is wrong...

The one person who is really strong in this is my grandpa tom who i'm the closest to... he practically raised me & idk how to tell him that i only want to be with a woman without him disowning me...

Any advice...?
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:17 AM   #2
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I wish I had some advice, but I don't, since I didn't really have to worry about coming out to family members other than my parents, and they were fine with it. I hope others reply with advice, and in general, I would say, if you're worried about losing the relationship, don't come out unless you have to.

I don't say this because I think you should hide or not be true to who you are or anything like that, but unless you're about to walk down the aisle at your marriage to your female partner, does he 'have' to know? If he pesters you about dating boys, and a simple "I'm not seeing anyone now" or "I haven't found the right person yet" doesn't get him to stop asking, then I guess you may have to, but otherwise you can not 'come out' to him and still be out where it counts-your love life.

If there is no way to evade keeping him from knowing, then the one hopeful thing I can offer is that, in time, plenty of people come around, change thir mind about what they think about gayness, and embrace people they had previously shunned. This could happen to you, as well.

As I said, I hope someone who has been in this situation will respond, because my thoughts really aren't that great since they are theoretical, not things that I actually experienced, and I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I hope one day you find yourself surrounded by loved ones who all accept you for you.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:51 AM   #3
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Seeing as you'll eventually end up with a lady significant other it will be impossible to keep this under wraps forever, so you might as well just come out and tell them now and give them time to reflect and get used to it. I know that isn't much help - especially coming from a straight guy who might not fully understand or relate. (Not to mention I'm just stating the obvious...) But if it helps you feel better I could tell you about one of my best friends who is a lesbian and was raised in a conservative, Christian family where anything out of the norm was frowned upon.

She came out to her mother first, who was very shocked, but actually redefined her values afterwards. She came to the conclusion that God gave her a lesbian daughter to teach her tolerance, or some such, and eventually embraced the fact and started supporting her daughter. My friend and her mom has a very close personal relationship, so if you are close to your grandpa Tom it might very well be he does something similar and has a "wake-up call".

As for the ones who tell you it's a phase... Clearly they do not understand how important this is to you; hopefully they will come around in time when they see you're not changing your mind. Unfortunately there is a lot of misinformation being spread in the US (where I presume you live) such as "homosexuality is a choice", and unfortunately I am ill equipped to advice you on how to handle such ideas, since anyone expressing that thought where I live would be considered brainwashed or mentally ill... I think you will just have to be honest, have faith in yourself, and tell them that you refuse to change because of their prejudices. Ask them if being black is also just a phase!

Aside from that, all I can say is I wish you the best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you. I really do.
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Old 08-10-2011, 09:06 AM   #4
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I know how you feel. When I was more into guys, I was worried about how upset my parents would be. I was even worried about my attractions to fat people being a problem with them too (they aren't very open). But eventually, I learned to stop caring. If anything I think people who put their customs and religion before their children should not be able to say they love them as if they mean it. If your family really did love you, they would accept you for who you are.
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:12 AM   #5
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I'm sad that you have to go through this with your family. I wish I could tell you some easy thing you can do but there isn't one. The easiest thing you can do is come right out and tell him, to be honsest. Or you could write him a love letter in some fancy schmancy stationary. Confess your love for him and how much you appreciate and cherish what he's been in your life but you have something very difficult to tell him, bla bla bla.

Either way this is a situation that you HAVE to get settled before you meet someone special that you want to bring into your life. You kinda need to find some kind of pathway into whatever your life is to be before you expose someone you love and cherish to the potential for shock, outrage, resentment, etc. that she may face if this is sprung on your family on the spot. They may even try to blame her for your sexuality. I'm one to not give a crap what my family thinks. I date who I want and to hell with them. They know this about me so they wouldn't give me any lip but even with things as they are, I still have to consider the feelings of my beloved and how s/he would feel in a potential for a cold climate. It's not fair to use my lover as a springboard for truth and justice in my messed up family. I need to let the ugly, if there is any, run it's course before I bring that special person into my life. BUT I would make certain to my family that they wont be in it if they're going to act out. I realize my circumstances are not the same as yours. Just giving you something else to look at.

Whatever you decide, we'll be here. Talk to us. (((((CandaceLeighHK)))))
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Old 08-11-2011, 11:19 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CandaceLeighHK View Post
Most of family knows that I am into girls...
I've liked them since 6th grade... officially confessed it to myself in 7th & told most of my friends beginning of my 9th grade year...
Throughout the years i've been selective on which family members i tell because one of two things happens...
1. they tell me it's a phase or 2. they stop talking to me...

Most of my family, mainly my grandparents, are old fashioned... being gay/lesbian/queer is wrong...

The one person who is really strong in this is my grandpa tom who i'm the closest to... he practically raised me & idk how to tell him that i only want to be with a woman without him disowning me...

Any advice...?
As everybody else has mentioned I'm sorry to hear you are in such a spot. The sad reality is that no matter how you tell your grandpa you cannot control his reaction. So knowing this be prepared for a negative reaction but also remember that that he does love you so his reaction could be the opposite of what you expect.
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Old 08-11-2011, 11:57 PM   #7
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Thank you... I appreciate everything.
I think what i'm going to do is when i find a girl to be with for a long time i will introduce him to her.
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