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Old 01-14-2012, 10:14 PM   #1
Chelly
 
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Hello, I'm new here, hopefully it's okay to post here.

I'm female, 21 years old and I weigh 296lb, so almost 300lb. It's only been like a year that I found out about fat acceptance, I haven't had much success getting into it though because I find myself getting more depressed, I have severe depression since I was 3-4 years old, my weight could be a part of it, I've been overweight since the minute I was born and I never had a good family relationships or a good childhood, I lived a miserable life and with awful self-esteem, I have always hated myself and felt worthless and ugly.

Before I recently found out about fat acceptance, I couldn't believe it even existed, I still can't believe it, I actually still have a hard time believing that there are people who are happy being fat and there are others who actually accept and love those fat people. I really truly agree that everyone of all sizes and shapes deserve all the love in the world, all the friendship and happiness and every sense of beauty and sexiness, I truly always believed that. I truly have always believed that a person no matter how much they weigh, no matter how they look, no matter how their body shape is like, they all deserve to feel beautiful and sexy and happy and everyone deserves love and admiration and care.

I do have awful self-esteem though, I've always suffered from severe depression all my life (many many different reasons) and I have always been "that" fat girl that hides in thick sweaters in 110 degree weather, I'm "that" fat girl who stands in the background and doesn't want to be seen,I'm "that" fat girl who never had friends, I'm shy and quiet and I literally hide away in my house for MONTHS so that nobody gets to "see" me. I don't want to be seen in public, I guess it's not completely because of my weight but also the severe depression, general social anxiety and yes I guess weight is also the reason. (wait, scratch that, NOT my weight that's the problem but my negative perception of my appearance)

Okay, I have a lot of issues to deal with, more than I could even list here, I struggle a lot with my self-worth and appearance too, I honestly have never experienced a guy finding me attractive, not once have I've experience a moment of feeling "pretty", not once in my life and I feel like that does affect me a lot.

I've been feeling really sad lately and I do often feel sad about this but I do have an amazing boyfriend, he is everything I ever wanted and needed and more, we had a deep bond, a deep connection, we've been together for almost 2 years now and he loves me unconditionally, he truly does love me and he takes care of me and comforts me and every single day he tells me how important I am to him, how precious I am to him. He is truly the most amazing boyfriend in the world BUT because I struggle with my self-esteem, I feel troubled because we're in a long distance relationship and so he doesn't get to see me physically much and he's actually a skinny guy and he is attracted to skinny girls and he "accepts" me, he loves me unconditionally no matter the weight but I don't think he finds me attractive at all, I don't think he finds me pretty, I think he just tolerates how I look which makes me sad because I don't know what to do. He truly does love me unconditionally no matter the appearance, no matter the weight, no matter what he truly loves me very deeply and isn't that what everyone wants? To be loved unconditionally no matter the appearance? And yet I feel very sad because I do want to feel DESIRED, feel physically wanted, I want to be beautiful in his eyes but I don't think it's possible because I don't think he's physically attracted to me which hurts my self-esteem even more.

I can't describe how much I struggle with my self-acceptance, how much I struggle with loving myself, I know for certain that I NEVER want to be skinny, I have always been overweight since the minute I was born and I honestly have no interest in being skinny ever. I DO want to love myself just the way I am, I want to LOVE myself exactly as I am, I want to feel beautiful and feel sexy exactly the way I am, that is my goal. I truly truly truly want to feel confident in my own skin, to feel beautiful and sexy, to feel wanted, to feel attractive, to feel happy, in this current state I am very depressed and miserable (for general life reasons but also because of my weight and appearance). I truly want to feel GOOD about myself and I know that being skinny isn't the answer, I want to feel happy with the way I look but I feel so lost about it. I've only recently found out about fat-acceptance and it's still taking time for the realization to sink-in that THERE ARE GUYS OUT THERE that actually find a fat girl attractive, it is mind-blowing to me, I have never even IMAGINED that was possible.

Which just makes me sad that my own boyfriend might not even be attracted to me, I'm not sure what to do, he loves me unconditionally, he says I have a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind but you know, he never says anything about the way I look, whenever I show him a picture of myself, he always says something like,"What color is that shirt?" or some random comment about a shirt or something in the background, he never says,"You look beautiful" or anything like that which makes me even more sad than I usually am.

I don't know what I'm asking, I'm rambling, I have so much I want to pour out, so many things I can't talk to anyone about. My boyfriend doesn't really understand anything about my self-esteem issues, he doesn't understand any of that, he has a lot to deal with in his life already and he deals a lot with comforting me and supporting me with my family problems and general depression problems, the last thing I want is overwhelm him even more with MORE insecurities and MORE problems. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about how I feel about my self-esteem, my weight, how much I want to love myself the way I am, I don't have much support about that. It's too bad there aren't that many communities out there about fat acceptance, this one was the only forum I could find and it doesn't seem that active?

Anyway, I truly want to be in a journey of self-acceptance, self-love, I truly want to be in a journey of self-discovery, to discover love for all of me, discover love and beauty inside and OUTSIDE of me as well. Right now I don't have support for that though and I feel extremely discouraged, it doesn't help that my boyfriend is attracted to skinny girls and I can't really feel desired, I guess the long distance relationship makes it worse because we can't be physically together much and although he DOES tell me how he "desires" me, it's hard for *me* to believe it because I always think that he's probably imagining a "skinny" me and that he can't possibly desire me, he's not into big girls, he only finds my insides beautiful but my outside is something to ignore I guess?

A year ago when I tried to tell him about how I felt, about how ugly I felt, I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't find me beautiful on the inside AND outside and he tried to comfort me by comparing me to his mother and saying that his mother is unattractive but has a beautiful personality and that he loves her personality and he loves *my* personality hahaha. That was NOT HELPFUL, him comparing me to his mother and then saying his mother was unattractive but he loves her personality thus saying I'm unattractive but he loves my personality, great.

*sigh* Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry. I feel so sad and discouraged right now, I feel so alone, I truly want to get better, I want to feel happier about myself, I want to feel good about how I look, I want to one day be able to feel beautiful and sexy for once in my life, I want to be able to feel confident and GOOD and not so insecure, I am so tired of feeling so ugly and undesirable and unwanted and worthless because of my weight and body shape, I want to feel happy about myself but I don't know how to go about it, I don't know how to go about this journey. Any ideas? :/

My boyfriend really is a good person, I truly believe that if I explained to him in detail about my insecurities and feelings about my self-esteem and weight and appearance, if I told him about fat-acceptance and BBW and all that, I am certain he will be "supportive", maybe not actively supportive but still accept it. Still I don't think he will change, I don't think he'll ever really be physically attracted to me (which hurts me), I don't think he'll ever call me "beautiful" or "pretty"....it's something I have to deal with in this relationship I guess.

It's nice that there are guys out there that are attracted to fat women, I can't describe how much I admire the fat admirers haha, I truly admire them. I think my boyfriend once made a comment about how a girl can be sexy at any size which is a step in the right direction but I don't know, he's only attracted to skinny girls and I'm fat and we haven't spent much time physically together for me to know if our relationship will work out on the physical side of it.

*siiiiiiiiiiigh* I'm sorry, my brain is scrambled right now and I'm rambling a lot. All my life I've been big but I never considered myself anything but ugly and disgusting and unlovable. I don't want to be skinny, I only want to love myself the way I am, I only want to feel beautiful and sexy and happy just the way I am. I see myself as an ugly piece of unsightly untouchable crap to be honest, I struggle with the thought that no guy even my boyfriend would ever find me remotely approachable or remotely pretty, I feel hideous, I feel unlovable, I feel absolutely miserable about myself all my life and even now, it's the only thing I have known how to feel. Finding out about fat acceptance and places like this community, it gives me a little hope that I can go on a journey to CHANGE my view about myself, find ways to not hate myself so much.

Can anyone give me some direction here? Some help for this journey? Something to help me? I'm feeling very lost and discouraged already.
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Old 01-16-2012, 07:17 AM   #2
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Welcome! Sounds like you badly needed to find a source of size acceptance.

I hope Dimensions helps you find at least some of what you are looking for.
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:16 AM   #3
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Hello and welcome! I have no doubt that being involved in forums like Dims will help you see that there are people who accept us. It's not easy to just shake the social stigma that fat is bad and fat people are undesirable. I wonder if you have sought out some sort of counseling to help you sort out your self image issues? Allthough you took a step in the right direction as trying to immerse yourself into a fat positive community, this alone will not help you feel better about yourself. It is a long hard journey. I have been in counseling for a while myself-it really helps. Just a suggestion, take it or leave it. Welcome either way!
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:20 AM   #4
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Welcome! I'm sure you'll find that most of us have felt the way that you do. Honestly, the biggest piece of advice I can give is that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you. Wanting to be wanted is normal, but you have to love being your fabulous self first. Once you get that confidence, nothing can stop you. I'm near 300lbs myself, and I don't let that stop me from doing anything. I realize that I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but then again, you can't please them all. In a world where everyone is pushing you to look like an airbrushed model in a magazine, it takes courage to stand up, and be happy being who you are. It sounds like you need a hug, and someone to tell you that you're fine just the way you are. And guess what? YOU ARE! I used to feel worthless, but one day I realized that life is too short for that. I know they say confidence is what turns men on, and it's SO TRUE! Even at 300 lbs, I get hit on all the time, by men who say they normally don't like larger women, because I'm not afraid to dress up, put on some sexy heels, and strut my stuff. I find when I feel glum (it happens to us all) that a mini makeover and a hair style change always puts me in a better mood. Focusing on taking care of yourself, not just the size of your clothes is important. You'll find lots of support here, and it may not happen over night, but I hope that you'll come to see that you are beautiful in your own skin, and don't need to change to be happy!

Good luck!!
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Old 01-16-2012, 09:20 AM   #5
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We've all felt the way you have, my dear. We're here to discuss things with you and help you through. You need to talk about the things that bother you with those that understand what is bothering you/how it's bothering you.

You didn't get depressed overnight, you won't feel 100% overnight. However, if acceptance and self-esteem is what you're aiming for, you've definitely come to the right place! Welcome
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Old 01-16-2012, 11:35 AM   #6
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I am so sorry you're going through this. Everyone deserves to feel sexy. I would suggest looking at the pictures on the paysite board. Get used to looking at fat in a different way. Once you start thinking of fat as sexy you will start thinking of yourself that way. I know what you're going through.

Welcome.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:21 AM   #7
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First off, Welcome to Dimensions! Your post made the think of the struggles my wife has with self-esteem and self worth. Something that helps her is to spend time on herself, do the things Christina mentioned. Get your hair did, get your nails done, try some new makeup, buy a new outfit that is outside of your normal comfort zone. If you invest time in yourself you will feel like you have more worth. She has also used affirmations to combat negative self talk, think of the thing you criticize yourself the most for and come up with an affirmation that proves the self talk is false and use it when those thoughts creep in.
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Old 01-17-2012, 04:42 PM   #8
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Welcome, Chelly!

I'd agree with what Brian says above, and will add that it is super helpful to also focus on yourself in terms of figuring out what you are passionate about, what kinds of activities bring you life and joy, and pursuing those with energy and intentionality every single day. That has made a huge difference in my life - when I am feeling really down on myself, I do one of those things that brings me fun or gives me a sense of purpose or challenge or just makes me thrive.

And I'd also say that going to a therapist could be a really helpful way to work through these issues and have consistent support (make sure to find one that is Fat-Positive or at least isn't going to be telling you to go on a diet). Lots of my friends and I have dealt with these issues in big ways through counseling.
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Old 01-18-2012, 04:09 PM   #9
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I know where your coming from because i have been there. And one thing I have learned along the way is i have to accept myself if I want others to accept me. We are all beautiful in our own ways. We have strengths and weaknesses. I was given some really good advise when i was 16 from my Aunt who was a 450 lb woman. She said how can you expect someone to love unless you love yourself. And she was right. She is a amazing woman. Been married to my Uncle for over 40 years and he adores her and loves her more then life. They have 4 wonderful kids. Size does not matter there is love out there for everyone. You dont have to be thin for someone to find you beautiful. I met the love of my life 6 years ago. He loves me just as i am and I weigh 285 pounds. He is supportive, loves to excercise and is a fitness buff himself, but does not care if I loss a pound. He always tells me how beautiful i am and never thought i would find someone who loved me this much. And that was because I was always told growing up no man would ever want me cause i was fat. And for a while i believed it. But they were wrong. Stay true to yourself, love yourself, and believe in your heart that you are beautiful inside and out!
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:25 AM   #10
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Welcome nice to have you with us!
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