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Old 12-19-2011, 05:05 PM   #1
JimBob
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Default There Was This Girl...

...And that's where the story gets complicated.

Long story short. There was this girl. It's been a year since we first met. We were in love, we had to split (for the most awful reasons), we don't talk any more. I've made it pretty clear to her that I don't want us talking again. I think it'd be better for all involved if we never saw each other again.

Yet also...she's started a blog charting her weight loss. And this is profoundly unsettling to me, for two reasons.

Firstly...I don't think she needs it! She's 20, perfectly healthy, of about 180-190 pounds, trying to slim down to 130 pounds, or thereabouts. The way the blog is structured, she seems to be fixated on it; constantly posting about her guilt trips that she's eaten too many calories, etc. (Note: her current partner is very dominant and controlling. I don't think that figures into this, but it may do.)

Secondly...well, it's purely selfish. I don't want her to do this. It's uncomfortable to me to think of it. I fell in love with her for her sunny personality, her bright imagination, and, yes, for her curves. It's an odd feeling to imagine the face I fell for, dissolving and changing into something different. As much as she hurt me, I still love her - in some way - and don't want her to do this to herself...because it'd be like losing another part of her. Like the one I loved never existed.

So my approach is the same as always - silence, not getting involved. I don't want to talk to her about it. It's more my problem than hers. I'm prepared to keep on just ignoring her and forget about it, but I also feel she needs to know she really is beautiful. She's had self-esteem problems before and this might help or it might hinder, I don't know.

I'm not posting this for advice, more because I cannot at all talk about this with anyone I know, for fear of sounding strange or not getting it out right. If I'm being honest, I'm mostly typing this so as to externalise it. I've been trying to move on since we split up, and that's had its ups and downs for various other reasons. And there's no hope in hell of us ever getting together again. But finding this out - that stings. It really does.

But also, I'd like to know if anyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, not letting her know? Has anyone gone through something similar - and how did you approach it?

Thanks for reading, and letting me confess my silly thoughts...kudos to all. : )
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:47 PM   #2
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Look, you can tell a woman she's beautiful until your lips fall off, if she doesn't feel it, it doesn't matter. Something in her wants to be thin and it doesn't seem like that can be changed. You are right to not get involved if you don't want to be together, but you need to cut this desire to somehow "save" her out. I know, there is a girl for me that I just want to talk to her and tell her how I feel about her to get it off my chest, but that won't help my current relationship or hers. You have to let grown ups make their own choices even if what they choose for themselves is less than you think they deserve. It sucks when someone you care about lets herself be used and abused but if your relationship with her wasn't good either what can you do? It sounds like you see this person a good bit, maybe you should move or change your routine to not see her around so much.
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Old 12-20-2011, 02:23 PM   #3
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Look, you can tell a woman she's beautiful until your lips fall off, if she doesn't feel it, it doesn't matter. Something in her wants to be thin and it doesn't seem like that can be changed. You are right to not get involved if you don't want to be together, but you need to cut this desire to somehow "save" her out. I know, there is a girl for me that I just want to talk to her and tell her how I feel about her to get it off my chest, but that won't help my current relationship or hers. You have to let grown ups make their own choices even if what they choose for themselves is less than you think they deserve. It sucks when someone you care about lets herself be used and abused but if your relationship with her wasn't good either what can you do? It sounds like you see this person a good bit, maybe you should move or change your routine to not see her around so much.
Amen. Confidence comes from within.
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Old 12-20-2011, 04:02 PM   #4
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Not advice really, but something you said struck me as peculiar as I read the rest:

"I've made it pretty clear to her that I don't want us talking again. I think it'd be better for all involved if we never saw each other again."

Why are you reading her Blog? It sounds as if you wanted to distance yourself from this woman, so...ummm....?
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Old 02-26-2012, 09:58 AM   #5
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...Has anyone gone through something similar - and how did you approach it?
I think you encountered a situation that is not uncommon to FAs: you find out that someone you find just perfect and whom you have showered with love and affection then simply turns out to have different goals, no matter what. Yes, it can sting to find that out, but often there's simply nothing you can do about it than move on.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:13 PM   #6
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But also, I'd like to know if anyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, not letting her know? Has anyone gone through something similar - and how did you approach it?
You are not doing the wrong thing. In fact, you're doing the right thing by not saying anything. Most importantly, you are doing the right thing for yourself. It's clear from an outside perspective that the two of you do not connect involving weight, fat perception, fat sexuality. This is just a mere fact when it comes to human beings and compatibility.
Simply put, it is not your decision how she should view and frame her body. It's her decision. I do not believe any effort on your part (as Fat Brian noted very well) will "open her eyes" to a better self-body attitude.

Reallocating your attention to other activities, hobbies and thoughts will help prepare you for that moment when you no longer feel 'responsible' for her self-body attitude. As much as you do feel responsible now, it's exactly that - just a feeling. You are not responsible; she is.

Get away.
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Old 02-26-2012, 01:01 PM   #7
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Not advice really, but something you said struck me as peculiar as I read the rest:

"I've made it pretty clear to her that I don't want us talking again. I think it'd be better for all involved if we never saw each other again."

Why are you reading her Blog? It sounds as if you wanted to distance yourself from this woman, so...ummm....?
Exactly what I was thinking. You dont want her in your life, you feel it would be better if you didnt talk to her at all. So why the hell do you care about her weightloss? Stop reading her blog if it upsets you that much.
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Old 02-26-2012, 04:35 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Webmaster View Post
I think you encountered a situation that is not uncommon to FAs: you find out that someone you find just perfect and whom you have showered with love and affection then simply turns out to have different goals, no matter what. Yes, it can sting to find that out, but often there's simply nothing you can do about it than move on.

Heck...I am thinking that's a PEOPLE situation.. FAs, and everyone else too.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:04 AM   #9
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Heck...I am thinking that's a PEOPLE situation.. FAs, and everyone else too.
That's very true.
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