Single and/or childless in your 30s

[Ryan]

I'm 35, married, but don't have kids.

[LadyDeelicious]

I am going to be 38 in a couple days, and still single...not so much loving it right now...feeling a little lonely lately

My daughter turned 18 last week, I got a promotion at work, moved into an apartment I LOVE, happy all the time, but still something seems missing.....oh well one day

[Critters]

I'm 36, female, single, childfree, and voluntarily sterile.

I'm luckier than some in that my parents were rather ahead of their time and told me that whatever I did with my life was up to me. I didn't have to marry if I didn't wish to. Some of my friends were pressured relentlessly by their families to marry, but I was allowed to live my own life with a minimum of interference into my romantic life by my parents.

I dated some when I was in HS and uni., but I was a very shy girl who was (looking back on it) dealing with a measure of PTSD from abuse in my past (child sexual abuse, severe bullying, and mental and physical abuse by a teacher). I was an epic wallflower. Through HS, I practically hid in my locker! The funny part of it was that when I look at old pics taken of me in HS, I was really very cute, in a geeky-girl sort of way, quite thin (though I didn't think it at the time!), and I had great legs from my figure skating. If I had that figure now, I wouldn't be shy at all! We never realize what we've got until we've not got it anymore!

I was finally given a confirmed autism diagnosis when I was in university. It explained so much! And with access to the internet, I also discovered that I fit the profile of asexuality. I have no sexual desires. For me, relationships are emotional. I can have intellectual crushes, and I can quite enjoy the way a person looks, moves, dresses, etc. but it really doesn't go any further than that.
I enjoy physical closeness, cuddling, hugging. But I don't require or crave sexual contact. I have done it simply to give my partner what he needed, but it did not do for me what it did for him. For me, it was just absurd and a little gross, and it was hard to keep from laughing... you must admit, the process of sex really is ridiculous. But since I cared for him and wanted him to be happy, I went along with it. But it wasn't something I ever initiated.

I am solitary and independent. I can be difficult, persnickity, perfectionistic, and obsessive over my interests. I generally prefer the company of my pet rats to the company of people. I do not do well when living in close quarters with another person for any length of time. I need my space. I require silence the way I require air to breathe. There are times that any sound, even my own voice or the voice of someone I really do love, can make me angry or panicky. I need an astonishing amount of absolutely human-free time, especially when I have been forced to be social all day at work. Autistic people have a limited social reserve, and once that has been used up, we need to be absolutely alone and uninterrupted until we feel able to face humanity again. If someone intrudes onto my vital private recharging time, that person is going to get the verbal equal to a nuclear bomb going off in their face. If the person's an idiot and still intrudes, they're going to find out that I have an absolutely EPIC right uppercut. People only make this error in judgement once. Being knocked out by a fist to the jaw isn't an experience many are keen to repeat.

Living with someone like me is *hard* for people who can only see autism from the outside looking in. It is just as hard for me to live with someone who isn't autistic too.
I am content being single. I know that it would take a very rare individual to take me on as a life's partner and actually make it work out for us both. My hermitish nature means that I am quite happy to remain on my own. If that rare person should happen to come into my life, I would be open to seeing if a relationship could bloom, but I'm still content to stay single and won't feel bad if I never come across the right person.

[RaccoonInc]

Yeah, I'm totally up for this topic. I'm 31, relatively mature, single, and totally childless. Got a couple of awesome kitties, but yeah - no family. It's, like, I feel like I'm a the age where, like... It's like I'm driving down the highway and way off in the distance you can see this sign. You don't know what it says and it's still blurry and a ways off, but this dread that it says "YOU ARE NOW TOO LATE" and not, like, "STILL GOOD" or something. That's the mortal fear, you know?

I had a nice nine year relationship, marriage, and everything was cool, but I knew going in that she couldn't have kids, so I sold myself on resigning early. Eventually, though, we split amicably (we're still awesome friends and I get kitty support! ) when she came to the conclusion that she should be with a woman instead. Her new girlfriend's awesome and life is O.k. for her, so that's good.

After her I had a girlfriend for two years, moved in together, and kinda hung onto the relationship way too long cause it really wasn't a good relationship. It was rocky kinda from the word go, but I had this thing in my head that said to fight and try and make it work. In the end I was hurt pretty bad afterwards. That was, like, yeesh, eight months ago now. Doesn't seem that long, but it is, and I've been perfectly alone since then.

I feel over it now, but is it ever discouraging to start from scratch two months shy of 32. It's a total, total downer, ad everywhere you look people are holding hands and playing catch with kids and you just feel like the plane took off without you. So I dunno where to go from here. It's difficult, you know? It's hard to have any self-esteem about these things. I totally empathize with everyone in this thread. You're not alone. Not at all. It's nice to see that I'm not alone, either. Thanks! I'll keep up the good fight! Yay us!

[largenlovely]

I'm 37 and Have no children..and single. I'm actually pretty glad I never had any children being that none of the previous relationships worked out. So right now I would be a single mom and that is one tough job that I don't wanna apply for. Still hoping to find Mr. Right one day though

[willow173]

How right you are Largenlovely! as 38 year old single mum life is def a challenge! Everything you take for granted prior to it evaporates. I wouldnt change it though I am very happy and my children are fab.
It does make relationships complicated though, I find it very hard to meet people and the thought of putting myself at risk dating in case something goes wrong is enough to keep me pretty celibate!
Fingers crossed though I live in hope

[largenlovely]

I am sure I would feel the same if I had children but on THIS side, I'm gonna do my damndest not to have them lol. I made the decision years ago that I didn't want children but had I become pregnant (even though I'm pro choice) I would have kept the child. I'm just glad it never happened lol. My sister has 3 kids though that I love as if they were my own. So I spoil them lol. I don't know if it's different for men but I expect that anyone I may date is likely to have at least one child. So I would think they would be accepting of the fact that u have kids. As for having the time to go out and meet someone with kids. Well, I imagine that's a whole other ball of wax lol

Originally Posted by willow173

How right you are Largenlovely! as 38 year old single mum life is def a challenge! Everything you take for granted prior to it evaporates. I wouldnt change it though I am very happy and my children are fab.
It does make relationships complicated though, I find it very hard to meet people and the thought of putting myself at risk dating in case something goes wrong is enough to keep me pretty celibate!
Fingers crossed though I live in hope

[KittyKitten]

I'm closer to 30 than 20. I don't think I'll ever want kids. I do want to get married and have a life partner but as far as having children, I feel that would drain me. Everyone is not meant to be a mother. I don't want to bring them into this chaotic world and I'm a bit selfish. They are demanding, expensive, and a headache. I don't hate kids, I actually think they are cute and playful, but do I want one to raise? No. I can be an aunt to others' kids but at the end of the day, I don't want any of my own. Maybe this would change, but as of right now, I'm doubtful that it will. The next person who would ask me 'so when are you having kids?' would get slapped in the face. I don't want to be saddled down with them!

[largenlovely]

Originally Posted by happyface83

I'm closer to 30 than 20. I don't think I'll ever want kids. I do want to get married and have a life partner but as far as having children, I feel that would drain me. Everyone is not meant to be a mother. I don't want to bring them into this chaotic world and I'm a bit selfish. They are demanding, expensive, and a headache. I don't hate kids, I actually think they are cute and playful, but do I want one to raise? No. I can be an aunt to others' kids but at the end of the day, I don't want any of my own. Maybe this would change, but as of right now, I'm doubtful that it will. The next person who would ask me 'so when are you having kids?' would get slapped in the face. I don't want to be saddled down with them!

I couldn't have said it better myself

[tinkerbell]

I'm 31, married and am child free. I'm pretty sure my husband and I are not going to have children, but we'll see. I'm extremely happy with how my life is now, without children. I have two dogs that I love.

I love being an aunt and wish I could spend more time with my nieces and nephews. I love my friends' kids, but just don't really want any of my own right now. I love my freedom!

How did I miss this thread?!?

[seavixen]

I'm ten days away from thirty, so I'm *almost* the right age to comment.

I'm married, but I have no kids. People, for some reason, assume that I have them. People have been assuming this since I was fifteen or something. Apparently, I look like I should have kids. I don't get that at all, but... whatever.

My extended family asks when I'm going to reproduce. To them, it's just plain weird to be married and have no kids. My parents know better, and they have never, ever bothered me to give them grandchildren. I do think my dad was a little relieved when I got married, though - lol.

I don't hate kids or anything, but I'm way too set in my ways, way too used to having space and quiet and so forth, to want any babies. I prefer my at-home-family-time to be more adult oriented. Ya know? Kids are a huge, life-long commitment. The responsibility is completely staggering to me. I think way too many people jump in without really considering the decision; it's just that logical next step, and we sort of take it without even really thinking about if we want to or not.

When we first got married, we were open to whatever happened, for exactly that reason. You get married, then you build a family; that's just what you're "supposed" to do. Now, we're both really glad I didn't get pregnant in those early days. There's no way we'd be where we're at right now if a baby had entered into the mix.

Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against people with kids. I like kids. I like to coo at them, tickle them, and then go home to my quiet, toy-free house, where I don't have to worry about whether I'm making too much noise or wearing enough clothing.

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by BigBeautifulMe

Another 33 year old joining the club here... I've gone from dying to get married/have kids in my 20s to feeling like maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother and that marriage might not ever happen, and that's okay.... alllll the way back to, wow, I think I'd really like marriage/kids to happen reasonably soon. That's the problem... there's all this research out there saying once you hit 30 it's harder to have healthy babies... and you suddenly feel pressured (at least I do) to decide if you want it, because you won't be able to have babies forever... I think I want those things now, but I haven't found the right person... yet.

You still have time -- lots of people have healthy babies in their late thirties and early forties. I'm 48 and my wife is 41 we have two kids in daycare, one in high school, and two in grad school. Being a parent of little kids in my forties isn't really any harder than it was in my early twenties (just harder to catch the kids when they decide to run down the street).

[BigBeautifulMe]

Originally Posted by bigmac

You still have time -- lots of people have healthy babies in their late thirties and early forties. I'm 48 and my wife is 41 we have two kids in daycare, one in high school, and two in grad school. Being a parent of little kids in my forties isn't really any harder than it was in my early twenties (just harder to catch the kids when they decide to run down the street).

Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement.

[Corwynis]

Originally Posted by penguin

This seems relevant

This reminds me of my old supply sergeant.

[FAinPA]

My wife and I split up two years ago this month, due in large part to opposing stances regarding reproduction. There were other issues of course, but that was the biggie. Anyway, when the divorce issue naturally comes up in conversation, the reflex response of the person you are talking to is, "Do you have any kids?" And when I say no, they invariably say, "Oh, well that's good." And the look on their face tries to convey some kind of relief, even though they don't realize their non-verbal cues.
A majority of folks seem to assume that divorce is pain-free without children in the picture. I know they are probably just trying to make conversation and feel awkward when divorce comes up, but I'd hate to see their reaction to divorced people who do have kids.
Anyway, I know this isn't the biggest audience (in numbers, not size of course) but I would advise you to choose other responses when divorce comes up in converation; maybe something as simple as, "That must be difficult, how are you handling it?" Personally, I use humor to deflect my feelings about what a painful loss it has been for me. Time is helping to heal, and I moved to the other side of my state, but it still enters my thoughts every day, reflexively.

Oh, yeah, the topic of being single and childless...count me in!

[BriannaBombshell]

I am happy! I just turned 30 in May, I was married for 7 years of my 20's and have been single for 2 years now. I am growing, enjoying life, spending time with my family and friends. It's a good time for me right now!

Fortunately my family respects my decision to not to have children at this time or maybe ever. It's hard to raise kids with the way the world is and money, and school and and and... and they agree.

I would have to say relationship wise, I do sometimes wish for someone to spend my time with. Mostly though I work past those feelings and continue to enjoy life while I wait for the right man to come along. Don't get me wrong I do go out and meet men for dates and such but I'm not going to get into a relationship just because I am lonely. I did that once, I will nEVER do that again.

Fuck what everyone else thinks, just be happy with your life. That's really all that matters is that YOU ARE HAPPY

[BriannaBombshell]

Originally Posted by FAinPA

My wife and I split up two years ago this month, due in large part to opposing stances regarding reproduction. There were other issues of course, but that was the biggie. Anyway, when the divorce issue naturally comes up in conversation, the reflex response of the person you are talking to is, "Do you have any kids?" And when I say no, they invariably say, "Oh, well that's good." And the look on their face tries to convey some kind of relief, even though they don't realize their non-verbal cues.
A majority of folks seem to assume that divorce is pain-free without children in the picture. I know they are probably just trying to make conversation and feel awkward when divorce comes up, but I'd hate to see their reaction to divorced people who do have kids.
Anyway, I know this isn't the biggest audience (in numbers, not size of course) but I would advise you to choose other responses when divorce comes up in converation; maybe something as simple as, "That must be difficult, how are you handling it?" Personally, I use humor to deflect my feelings about what a painful loss it has been for me. Time is helping to heal, and I moved to the other side of my state, but it still enters my thoughts every day, reflexively.

Oh, yeah, the topic of being single and childless...count me in!

I have to say I agree, though I am happy now, my divorce was pretty devastating at that time. I too do not have children, and I too received the same reaction or even the words "at least you don't have kids" would be said, a lot. Divorce is a sad occurrence in life whether kids are involved or not. It pulls at every emotion we can feel. It's starting life over. It's learning how to be alone, cook for one, shop for one, love yourself...

I am sorry about your divorce FAinPA, it will continue to get better if you allow it to. I know the pain and the healing of it and if you ever need to chat I am here

[Grizzlybear]

I'll be 33 in February. I've been married, but since it turned out all she wanted was my money, it didn't work out. I loved her too...

We never had any children (which, in hindsight is a very good thing), but I do want to be a father someday. The older I get, the less likely I think that'll be though. I really don't want to have kids so old that I can't get out and be active with them.

I'm ridiculously lonely these days. I haven't yet found "her". The One. If I had to guess, she's not here Stateside like me. Maybe she's in Europe, or Australia. Maybe someplace else. I don't know. What I do know is this:

1. I see a lot of shallow human beings in the U.S. I get that not all of them are, but wow. LOTS of stupid, shallow people. I crave a woman of intelligence. Not necessarily so much that she makes me look like an imbecile, but... smart, you know?

2. I have my interests, and I know that she's going to have hers. I just hope that some of them belong to both of us.

3. I'm kind of feeling these days like the old saying is very, very wrong; that everyone is an island. No one really "gets" anyone else. Been feeling that way for a long time...

*End Ache-rant*

[Cobra Verde]

I prefer the term child-free.

[EMH1701]

I'm 37, single, with no kids. I do have a pet gecko.

[LJ Rock]

I had to read through this whole thread because I couldn't remember if I had posted on here already or not. Turns out I hadn't, so I'll say something now.

It was interesting looking at people's different stories, hearing their thoughts and feelings about this subject. It's definitely a hot button issues, especially for those of us are further along in our thirties.

As of this post I am 38 years old, never married and no children. If I am being honest, yes there is a part of me that feels like I have missed out on experiencing the whole family thing. But at the same time, I just know that right now I am in no place to be a husband or a dad. I just have too many personal issues of my own to deal with.

I admit I still entertain the notion that maybe one day I'll meet the woman of my dreams and fall into eternal wedded bliss, start the perfect family and live happily ever after, though I readily admit that it will never happen if I continue to live the life I do. The fact is, whether any of that stuff happens or not, I DO want more for myself than what I've allowed myself thus far. I'm not sure exactly what that something more is or what it looks like, but I know it's out there somewhere.

In the meantime, I want to make the best of the life I have always - it's so hard sometimes to "be here now" as they say. It's easy to live in the pain of the past or to lose yourself in the endless possibility of tomorrow's dreams. To really just look around you and to be happy with who you are today, right where you are, well I think that might be the best kind of happy ending any of us could ask for.

[Shinobi_Hime-Sama]

I posted in the 20's forum on a similar topic, though now that I am about 3 months away from being 30 I wonder. See my sister had a son at 23 with one boyfriend at the time, now that boyfriend is an ex and since then she's had another son with another boyfriend so she's going to be 28 this year and already has two kids. I don't and I'm not even sure I want to go through all that pain. Also I hate being the center of attention and as soon as you start showing you're like in the spotlight forever and everyone suddenly wants to get all touchy-feely with you and up in your personal space bubble.

I have seen it happen, one of the girls I used to work at Wal-Mart with got pregnant and all of a sudden every one of her customers, usually the older ladies who came through her line, wanted to touch her belly and it freaked her out. Hell, it even freaked me out and I wasn't the one who was pregnant. I don't want that attention on me, it scares the hell out of me. And I have no job or money coming in so no financial means to support a kid and trust me, no one wants to hire a pregnant girl.

[ecogeek]

I just had this discussion the other day with my man friend. We are both 29 and both think it would be a nice notion SOMEDAY. Me personally, I know that the instinct is definitely there, but it is not right for me now. If it isn't ever, so be it. I was married for eight years. Got married VERY young. (Horrible idea by the way.) I'm so damn grateful no children were involved. I just look at my sense of humor, the things I find funny, the way I choose to live my life, the things I like to do and how I spend my time and know that for now I am much happier child free. I have certain ideas of what I would like to be able to give a child and know that I cannot meet those standards currently. Maybe one day. Maybe not.

[CaAggieGirl]

So as of yesterday, I am 30, not married, no kids.

I spent most of my legal age years with my ex. I was not in a hurry to get married, though we did get engaged and I could never imagine having children with him. He was so irresponsible, it was like having a child. After we separated, I had to learn to love myself (which I am still working on) and I have given more thought to children. I would love to get married someday but if it doesn't happen I will be okay. The guy I am dating, doesn't really want kids and I am not a person that must have children so if he never changes his mind, then we would still be okay. Though I have had enough of people telling me my time is running out. I work for a women's health medical practice, I know plenty about my reproductive system so go away.

Everyone keeps telling me that your thirties are your most fun years. I am really looking forward to it.

[KFD]

I am a sperm donor and financial benefactor to some manipulative £€>^*£€'s living and breathing doll. Melinda and I both agreed that children isn't for us. I sadly see too much individual isolation in today's society- people lack self accountability nowadays. Instead of raising awareness for bullying people should be raising their kids! I don't see the need to pollute this world with legitimate offspring, much less one with their nose in a tablet or smartphone. As far as being bullied, and suffering from PTSD, mental abuse to me seems to be a talisman of a weak conviction. I got shot at for year by Talibn, and I don't have mental issues. It's all in how you take control of your own problems. Most of the people raising bratty, misbehaved children lack that. That expensive heartbreak I am donating over half my pay to each month is a perfect example. That woman is in her forties, but can't tie her shoes without relying on someone else. Self-reliance is a rare trait today, it seems. I don't want my children to be in a world like that. Someone else can do that. I'll pass...