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Old 09-25-2010, 10:02 AM   #1
Ample Pie
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Question What the hell am I?

Here's the soundtrack to this entry (as if I ever do anything without music).

I know it's PC to say that I don't really need a term or label or whatever, but sometimes it feels lonely not having one--not knowing which box to check. So...here goes.

I was born and raised female--anatomically and when it comes to the attendant gender roles. Though, to be honest, my mother never pushed that hard for either my brother or me to take on any specific roles; it's just one of those things that happens in society. When I was 6, I remember asking my mom why I couldn't go outside without a shirt on when my brother could (as could all the boys in my 'hood; I was the only girl my age). She said that I could but that most people think it's wrong because (insert reasons). So, that day, I rode my bike topless all over the neighborhood*--but I remember how scary it was and how people were looking at me.

Of course, I always wanted to be able to pee standing up like the boys, too, but that's a matter of convenience.

However, and I can't believe I'm about to admit this in public, from the time I was about 4 until I was about 9, I used to, omg am I going to say this?!?!?!, sleep with this toy ball in my undies because it looked like I had a penis/testicles and I would pray that in the morning, I'd wake up with a penis and testicles. I think, at this point in my life, I was pretty sure I was meant to be a boy.

Now, I'm okay with having female anatomy (other than the usual complaints). And not since I was little can I honestly say I've wanted to be a male. Though I would like to have my own penis from time to time, I'm happy with the equipment I actually have. I don't necessarily feel conflicted, I just don't feel like one or the other. I mean, clearly I'm female. I mostly present as female and rather enjoy it. Sometimes I mix it up and sometimes I present as male. I'm not a tomboy. I don't like all the rough and tumble things of boyhood. My wallet is pink and says "princess" on it--and I bought it because it delighted me un-ironically. But I am not a girly-girl either.

I don't really feel like I'm either gender or, actually, I feel like I should probably be both. That was another dream I've had since I was a kid--just being both genders/sexes at once. Failing that, I honestly feel like I'm probably a guy on the inside who delights in looking like a girl on the outside...at least that's the best way I can describe how I feel.

Then there's my sexuality...

From the earliest times I can remember, I have loved women. My first memory of the idea of "sex and marriage" involved marrying a woman and somehow the whole marriage ceremony made babies happen--and considering I got the birds and the bees talk early, you can tell this idea was VERY early.

The only times I was EVER attracted to males was when they were gay or when they were particularly girly. As a kid, I didn't know what this meant or how to assign names to it, but as an adult I know that I am attracted to guys who are bisexual (mostly because if they were gay I'd have no shot) and guys who bend gender roles in various ways (you name it, it's pretty much my bag).

On a purely physical level, straight guys only interest me in a taboo "oh, I shouldn't do this" kind of way. I feel like I should explain this better, but I also feel like it's probably a bit too much into the TMI-range if I do, so I'm going to leave it. The point is that strictly straight guys don't do it for me, attraction to them [sans taboo quirk] has NEVER made sense to me at all.

Nor has the idea of being one gender. I don't know what I am.

I'm so lonely, I think I'm going to go insane.
I don't know who I want to be.
Won't somebody introduce me?
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:13 AM   #2
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PS: I realize that the tone of this post, especially given the lyrical addition at the end, probably sounds depressed, but I'm not--not about this or anything. It's just this strange general state of confusion that I've always lived in, so it might come off that way.

PPS: My nephews call me Aunt Becky but my ex's kids called me Uncle Becky--when my nephews heard that, they were so confused that it was simply adorable. My oldest nephew just looked at me and said, "if it's okay, I'll keep calling you Aunt Becky." and, of course, it was okay--but I like(d) being Uncle Becky too.
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:41 AM   #3
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You, my dear, are Rebecca.

The world demands a rigidness in sex, gender, and sexuality in a way that I think none of us truly fits, even when we comply like good little people.

I just wrote out a long examination of my own personal saga and deleted it, so kudos to you for posting yours! Kissy emoticon here.
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:53 PM   #4
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Oh wow, I can relate to most of it, right down to the panty stuffing!

I went through so many phases (not sure if it is entirely accurate to call it that, I guess journey is more appropriate) when it came to gender - being indignant at not being born a boy, desperately wishing to be one of the gay boys and I even seriously considered transitioning because I feel that I was born in the wrong body - though if I were to be a man I would be a campy drag-loving gender-bending queer boy, plus I can't say for sure that I would feel less at odds as a man because the "other" part is always missing. I do not consider myself trans, but I am gender dysphoric to an extent and my true body will probably be that of a hermaphrodite.

These days, I feel like a drag queen or even a post-op trans (I hesitate to say this because I don't mean to trivialise anyone's experience) who passes too well but my "femme privilege" makes me uneasy and some part of me lives in constant fear of being "found out". I do identify as genderqueer, though it no longer defines who I am and I now see it as just another descriptor along with Asian, queer, Dominant, FFA and the like. I do, however feel that I am limited to dating other gender-challenged people - they are hot, of course, as is gender play but I believe that they are the only ones who can understand and appreciate who I am.
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:05 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Cors View Post
being indignant at not being born a boy, desperately wishing to be one of the gay boys and I even seriously considered transitioning because I feel that I was born in the wrong body - though if I were to be a man I would be a campy drag-loving gender-bending queer boy, plus I can't say for sure that I would feel less at odds as a man because the "other" part is always missing.
Yep, all of this. Through my childhood and early teen years, I was actually pretty upset about having not been born a boy--not constantly, but enough that it would enter my dreams. I have often dreamt I was male, but more than that I dreamt about the frustration of being w/o my male aspect/body/whatever. I don't have "penis envy" but I have always felt like that part of me was missing. I recognize now that I wouldn't be me without the female part, too, but I'm still not sure what I am, where I fit--if anywhere.
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:01 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Cors View Post
Oh wow, I can relate to most of it, right down to the panty stuffing!

I went through so many phases (not sure if it is entirely accurate to call it that, I guess journey is more appropriate) when it came to gender - being indignant at not being born a boy, desperately wishing to be one of the gay boys and I even seriously considered transitioning because I feel that I was born in the wrong body - though if I were to be a man I would be a campy drag-loving gender-bending queer boy, plus I can't say for sure that I would feel less at odds as a man because the "other" part is always missing. I do not consider myself trans, but I am gender dysphoric to an extent and my true body will probably be that of a hermaphrodite.

These days, I feel like a drag queen or even a post-op trans (I hesitate to say this because I don't mean to trivialise anyone's experience) who passes too well but my "femme privilege" makes me uneasy and some part of me lives in constant fear of being "found out". I do identify as genderqueer, though it no longer defines who I am and I now see it as just another descriptor along with Asian, queer, Dominant, FFA and the like. I do, however feel that I am limited to dating other gender-challenged people - they are hot, of course, as is gender play but I believe that they are the only ones who can understand and appreciate who I am.
I don't know how disphoric you are, but I hope you find some peace. Same for you Rebecca. Femme privilege, cis privelege, etc is honestly what I feel is a plus. If you get a benefit or whatever just for what you are, work it to your advantage.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:32 PM   #7
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I have achieved as much peace as I think is possible w/o actually ever being able to be both genders. It isn't really a struggle for me. I think it was on my mind because my best friend sent me this song:

lyrics | song

It felt like a personal commentary about me. It wasn't. He actually dislikes the lyrics and told me that he would only send me the song if I promised not to hold the lyrics against him because it was just the beat he was into, he said it felt like his day that day--and in his defense, the drumming is tense and his day was tense. Still, not only is it so out of his (my friend's) character lyrically, it just seems kind of mean-spirited.

It just got me to thinking about the duality of my nature and how it plays out in real life and what it means. Normally, I really don't care. I'm such a hedonist that I generally just do what feels right and let the definitions come later, if they ever do. This song just got me thinking. And it reminded me of the Johnny Thunders song, which I have LONG loved. So...that's where this came from. Still, I can't say it's much of a struggle for me, just a quirk, I guess.

Despite that or maybe because of it, it isn't something I generally discuss with the people in my life. Obviously people who know me notice, but I have no idea (or really any concern) what they think. Well, not true, I know what my friend Will thinks, because he told me. We met when I was 19 and he was 24. He told me he had to meet me because I was "juicy, round, and had an obvious boost in testosterone, which meant I probably had a higher sex drive." Will and I never dated or anything--in fact he had his eye on me for his friend Elaine (she and I never dated either).

But as far as what people think of my gender duality, I rarely know and almost never care. I just generally let them try to sort it out. However, I decided to copy the OP of this thread into my journal, my real life (though still online) journal. I didn't know what my friends who read it would think. My best friend didn't say anything at all about it, I'm guessing because he's known me so long and so well that it isn't a shock to him. However, I did get one single response and it wasn't what I expected. I'll share it here.

Quote:
i love your entry today! i've always felt the same exact way. i've even had dreams that i was a guy, having sex with a woman, and i was like YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANT! i've never been completely straight, either. i've always loved girls, and been more attracted to them, but never met one who felt the same way. my boyfriend is like 90% gay. if it wasn't for me, he'd be dating a dude. he's so feminine it's almost comical. so we've found the perfect match in each other, i guess. ... it's so funny that we have so much in common this way. who would have thought?
This person and I only know each other online and only "met" (and rather randomly) about a month ago, so neither of us has had any idea of the gender issues (if you call them issues) of the other. It's kind of neat and, in the end, I'm glad I shared it.

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Old 09-26-2010, 09:56 PM   #8
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My first wife was a lesbian. I swear to God, she was a lesbian. I think she was technically bisexual, but I'm the only man who attracted her. Also, even after we were married she still identified as a lesbian. Gender is not cut and dried. You are who you are, and that should be good enough for anyone.
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:03 PM   #9
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I've often felt the same many times throughout life. When I was little, I use to want to be a girl. At this point, I say I'm a guy because I biologically am, but in my soul, I see me as something else. This can be very confusing for many people, I'm sure.
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:24 PM   #10
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I've often felt the same many times throughout life. When I was little, I use to want to be a girl. At this point, I say I'm a guy because I biologically am, but in my soul, I see me as something else. This can be very confusing for many people, I'm sure.
Though, if posts all over Dims are any indication, it is also appreciated by many people.

Yes, I'm one of those people.
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:26 PM   #11
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I'm absolutely okay with being male biologically, but I really feel (and wish I looked) more feminine that I normally seem. You know, lack of facial hair and a little less body hair, smaller shoulders, maybe some small breasts, a non-flat butt, and some shapely calves?

But then I look in the mirror and it's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm a guy."
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:42 PM   #12
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I'm absolutely okay with being male biologically, but I really feel (and wish I looked) more feminine that I normally seem. You know, lack of facial hair and a little less body hair, smaller shoulders, maybe some small breasts, a non-flat butt, and some shapely calves?

But then I look in the mirror and it's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm a guy."
In all fairness, you have a round butt and shapely calves. They're small like your frame, but they're each very shapely.
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Old 09-27-2010, 10:42 PM   #13
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Rebecca,

A lot of us feel different with what we have right now in this very moment. Yes, we could look stunning or beautiful to someone, or the exact opposite to another.

Simply trying to accept what we are right here and right now is something of a gift, and a challenge to anyone..

I have to say that I'm rather grateful you could open yourself up to us and to wear your heart on your sleeve. Good job. <3

As for your gender, well, play it by ear. Nothing is set in stone, and titles are just that. Titles. Ignore them and do what -you- want. What -you- desire.

Hope to hear more from you in the future! <3
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:55 PM   #14
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For some reason I can't leave Rep. However, if I could I'd give you a gold star for bravery, nice post OP. I can't answer your question, but you have my respect for asking it.
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Old 10-04-2010, 05:03 PM   #15
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Old 10-04-2010, 05:20 PM   #16
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lol,
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:13 AM   #17
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I know we don't 'need' labels, but I also know that they're convenient and, more importantly, that being someone who doesn't fit in to one of the ready made and accepted labels can kind of suck...

So half of me kind of hates that I keep pondering the whole "what am I" question when I could just go about being whatever I am without really worrying...not that I worry, exactly, so much as wonder.

My problem is that I often know something without knowing how or why I know it--about myself I mean. It isn't that I've not led an examined life...I think I'm just sometimes really oblivious.

Growing up, when people would (and they often would) tell me I must be bisexual because I'd dated people who were male and people who were female, I'd get a tight knot in my gut. I'd say, "I'm not bisexual, because bisexual is both, that's two, and gender isn't an either or thing for everyone." I'd often hear, "Whatever, you like both, you're bisexual."

Yeah. No. I knew they were wrong about me, but I didn't know how or why.

But I myself don't often feel completely female and never have. I've already confessed above that, growing up, I wanted to be a boy, stuffed my panties (from about the age of 9), etc. And, even though I always knew, from the time I was at least 4, that I wanted to marry a woman, my first crushes were on boys, but only if I were a boy too.

Does that make any sense?

It still happens. There are some people that I am only attracted to from the part of me that has always felt male. There are people I am attracted to from the part of me that's always felt female. When I'm really lucky, I meet someone who is attractive (and MAYBE attracted) to both/all parts of who I am/have been.

But in the end, there isn't a term for that for me. It's cumbersome and a mouthful and not easily explained. I don't regret how I'm wired, in fact I rather like it; I just wish that I had the luxury of a word or label or name that put all of this together in a nice little package.

I suppose, really, that that's illusory. There probably aren't many people in the world, no matter what label they use, who can sum up such a generally complex part of human existence with one word. Still...sometimes it's frustrating not being able to.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:16 AM   #18
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No good answers for you, no handy labels, and not trying to claim that my experiences are like your experiences......but just to say that I think a lot of people don't feel very locked or defined by their physical gender. In one discussion on here I described how I felt about my gender as "a smooshed out, spread around, mush together of bits of both of them." * Which is not really a label that would roll off the tongue.....and my case is almost certainly much simpler than yours.

If I had to describe back to you what you've said in something vaguely pithy I'd probably say something like "Attracted to feminine energy" or "genderqueer" or perhaps "spiritually has an amorphous gender." Or perhaps even all lumped together in one silly phrase like "A genderqueer with spiritually amorphous gender and an attraction to feminine energy."

I don't know that any of that was of even the remotest use, but its the best I've got.



* post here, including attempts to illustrate how I felt about gender labels vs my own expereince. http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...00&postcount=2
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:03 AM   #19
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To the OP you described me! I am just me im an individual. That's all. No labels because how i feel varies.
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Old 09-15-2012, 09:19 PM   #20
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I know my sexuality seems to be constantly evolving, there seems to be core stuff I like, but I'm not huge on labels at all. If I were to be, I'd be a transsexual female monogamous bisexual bondage liking submissive masochist. I know I'm missing a lot of labels because that only describes a tiny bit of who I am as a person. There is so many facets to a person, a label isn't ever going to be perfect, and doesn't have to be. It can just scratch the surface!

For my gender presentation, I fall into the gender binary. I am fairly femme in that I wear a full face most days, wear clothes that although androgyny based clearly are women's clothes, style my hair, wear heels, etc. I remember when I was more in the middle while transitioning, and the stares, the judgments, it all sucked. I felt pressured, but I knew where I was personally before I transitioned, so I don't feel as though my femme presentation is due to that pressure. I do know I would need a thicker skin if I were not in the binary though. People suck.

People want you to fall in the gender binary, they want your sexuality to either be straight, gay or bi. I know I pretty much go on feel. If I see someone who makes my heart skip a beat (or makes me start breathing deeply...) and interests me, I'm not really worried about a label, I'm interested in getting to know them better and knowing if they like me too!

That's just my .02, none is meant as criticism or preaching or anything. I just wanted to describe my experiences.
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Old 09-22-2012, 10:02 AM   #21
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I'm glad this thread has allowed other people to talk through their gender and sex and sexuality; that's really cool.

As for what I know, at least after 36 years as me, I'm most comfortable with female pronouns, but ONLY since I become comfortable with the part of me that IS NOT female--the part of me that had me confused and hurt and angry and praying to change into male the whole time I was growing up and the part of me that still feels un-whole right now.

I don't imagine I'll ever be okay with feeling un-whole, but I have come to terms with and accepted the fact that I will feel that way. I don't like the feeling, but I like understanding that it's there and it will make itself known. It helps me deal with it so much better.

So, I'm a girl. I'm a girl because I was never allowed to be a girl because there was a part of me that was a boy and people saw that and used it against me. And because I was fat and you can't be fat and girly in this culture. So all my life, I was told I was either not a girl or a failure at being a girl and, of course, since I knew inside that I wasn't totally a girl or a boy, I took that idea of failure to heart.

Well, now I know it isn't a failure. I'm just both--whatever that means--a guy and a girl. I always have been and now that I know that and understand that about myself, I have thrown off the feeling of failure. And so, now that I love the part of me that is a guy, I am comfortable with the term girl--and I am comfortable with female-type pronouns.

Trying to be the rigid idea of female when I was growing up, I never could do it and I grew to hate all things female because of it. Now that I don't have to be rigid, I find that I am so much more comfortable with all things about me that are female and feminine.

In truth, the guy part of me is way way way more femme than the girl part. And I'm finally okay with that.

It does mean that I interact differently with people in terms of love and sex. I once dated a straight guy and found that I related better and more to him as a guy, sexually, than I ever could as a girl. I can't explain that any better, I can only say that it was true and it hurt. It hurt because 1: he was straight and I didn't feel connected to him as a girl. and 2: I couldn't connect to him as a guy even though that's how I felt. It was sad and scary and confusing. And I still don't know how to explain it or deal with it or handle it if it happens again.

I think that's why dating other pansexual folks has always felt very comfortable with me--even if they were strictly male or strictly female, they have generally understood that I am not and I don't always relate to people as one gender or the other or even as both--sometimes it is one or the other and sometimes it is both.

And it just gets very confusing and I DO wish I had a shorthand way to make it make sense, but it isn't because I want to fit in to what's out there so much as I just want to be able to explain myself.
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