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Old 09-25-2012, 12:48 AM   #1
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Ok, first off I'd like to say I've been lurking around for a long time and have found this site to be very positive and inspirational. So thanks everybody!

Now, my issues...my boyfriend told me recently (while we were drinking) that he thinks of other girls while we have sex. I have a feeling it is mostly his recent ex girlfriend that he thinks of most. Of course, my feelings are very hurt. We've only been together for two months. If we had been together for years and he told me that...it'd still hurt but I'd probably see it as normal for him to do so every once in awhile. Now I'm totally off sex because that is all I can think about. He told me I should be glad he is so honest with me. And maybe I should be...but to me just because someone is honest doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt. I just don't know how the hell to get rid of this feeling...I don't want to be a passive aggressive b!tch the rest of our time together. How am I suppose to forget that he said that?

We talked and we both agree that our sex life is very boring. However, we do not like the same things. I enjoy BDSM. He does not. He wants role play and that makes me feel silly, though I have done it for him. I have a high sex drive and his is average. He is also a bit older than I am. We end up in the same position and me laying there waiting for it to be over. Now we just end up fighting over it and that doesn't turn anyone on. I care about this fella and it seems like he cares about me but I can't stand this anymore.

I am young and it feels horrid to have such sexual dysfunction. I want to explore and have fun with sex...instead I feel horrible and so un-sexy.


Thanks for reading all. Glad this site is here.
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Old 09-25-2012, 10:24 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by blueroses99 View Post
Ok, first off I'd like to say I've been lurking around for a long time and have found this site to be very positive and inspirational. So thanks everybody!

Now, my issues...my boyfriend told me recently (while we were drinking) that he thinks of other girls while we have sex. I have a feeling it is mostly his recent ex girlfriend that he thinks of most. Of course, my feelings are very hurt. We've only been together for two months. If we had been together for years and he told me that...it'd still hurt but I'd probably see it as normal for him to do so every once in awhile. Now I'm totally off sex because that is all I can think about. He told me I should be glad he is so honest with me. And maybe I should be...but to me just because someone is honest doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt. I just don't know how the hell to get rid of this feeling...I don't want to be a passive aggressive b!tch the rest of our time together. How am I suppose to forget that he said that?

We talked and we both agree that our sex life is very boring. However, we do not like the same things. I enjoy BDSM. He does not. He wants role play and that makes me feel silly, though I have done it for him. I have a high sex drive and his is average. He is also a bit older than I am. We end up in the same position and me laying there waiting for it to be over. Now we just end up fighting over it and that doesn't turn anyone on. I care about this fella and it seems like he cares about me but I can't stand this anymore.

I am young and it feels horrid to have such sexual dysfunction. I want to explore and have fun with sex...instead I feel horrible and so un-sexy.


Thanks for reading all. Glad this site is here.
We could all put our two cents in here miss, but the reality is ONLY YOU know what you should do. Sex, or lack there of, is a relationship killer. Like a shadowed assassin. YOU know deep down what the answer is and what you should do. Because I am sure you have thought of those options already. Maybe you are lookin for us to kinda validate those thoughts. Or maybe you want us to say stick it out. Either way, last choice is up to you. I would be more worried now if arguments are now coming about over it. I wish you luck. Just remember, you have female intuition for a reason. Trust it if your heart is already speaking. And if I am completely wrong is saying anything, then I digress.
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Old 09-25-2012, 12:34 PM   #3
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First, fully agreeing with everything Manbeef said.

Second, a few other scattered thoughts.

- that he is into role play in the bedroom and that he thinks of other women when you two are having sex--could those be related?

- what role play is he into--all different things or really mostly one sort of thing? One (just one, there are plenty of others!) possibility is that he has some kink or fetish that he really does need to have, at least in his head, in order to get off, and role play is how he seeks to obtain it.

- From what I've seen, people's fundamental sexuality doesn't change much. It is a bit like which is your dominant hand, you can learn to use the other somewhat, but for most people it will never feel as natural. So the current mis-match is will probably always be there in some degree between you two, although you may figure out how to make it better than it is. This doesn't have to be a relationship killer, but it sure doesn't help the sex life (speaking from experience here....but happily married for 17 years).

- Telling you something so emotionally devastating, then saying "at least I'm honest about it" is sure something. I'm not quite sure of the right word or phrase, whether it is passive aggressive or really jerky or something else....but I'd wave a yellow flag at that (in soccer a yellow flag is a warning, next offence is a red flag and you are kicked out of the game). He needs to take ownership of his sexuality, and not hurt you with it. Maybe this was an error born of alcohol and guilt about those fantasies, which is why I'm just saying a yellow flag.

- Breaking up because the sex is bad not a stupid, bad, or crazy thing, if good sex is a priority for you.

-
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Old 09-25-2012, 01:12 PM   #4
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Thank you both for your answers.

My fella and I have told about this now that I have relaxed a little bit...

He has since amended his original statement to say that he imagines me differently when we have sex...as the role he wishes me to play. A sexy secretary, by the way. That is his only fantasy that he wishes to act out.

Tad, you made alot of valid points as well as Manbeef...I am not comfortable doing roleplay because I often feel very silly...much like I am in a bad high school play or a cheesy porn. However, in order to mend this issue and get our groove back I think I'll whip out my pencil skirt and glasses give him a surprise and hopefully, in doing so he find some satisfaction out of being dominant (which, he usually is not in the bedroom) and he'll be open to trying out more kink with me. He'll never be weilding a flogger and I can live with that...And maybe I'll find the fun in dressing up and not feel so silly with him as I have in the past.

We are both very committed to making this relationship last...and in every other aspect things are well and we are very happy. So no giving up!

And he is very honest with me sober...not afraid to tell the truth even with it hurts...he is just less tactful when drunk...but then again so am I.

So, now...I suppose I must ask if anyone has any pointers in making roleplay less akward? I know I must find a certain something within myself...But any neon lights pointing to where that comfort is would be awesome! Thank you all!
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Old 09-25-2012, 03:35 PM   #5
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You're only two months in and on different pages sexually. How is the rest of the relationship going? How compatible do you feel elsewhere? There will be an area that the two of you can compromise on, and probably have a pretty fulfilling sex life, but if you're at the point where you're feeling bored with what's happening and that you need to deny yourself your interests, then it doesn't seem to bode well.

If my partner was always thinking of someone else during sex, then I would definitely be feeling that they weren't actually into having sex with me. I don't want to feel like my partner is pretending they're with someone else, that's insulting. It's definitely not the same as sharing fantasy or role playing.

I'd say that the two of you would need to have some deep, very frank discussions about what's going. Though with the information you've given, if I were in that situation I think I'd walk. It's only been two months and you're bored sexually and fighting? If you don't work through these issues and resolve them, then those problems will stay with you.
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Old 09-25-2012, 05:00 PM   #6
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You're only two months in and on different pages sexually. How is the rest of the relationship going? How compatible do you feel elsewhere? There will be an area that the two of you can compromise on, and probably have a pretty fulfilling sex life, but if you're at the point where you're feeling bored with what's happening and that you need to deny yourself your interests, then it doesn't seem to bode well.

If my partner was always thinking of someone else during sex, then I would definitely be feeling that they weren't actually into having sex with me. I don't want to feel like my partner is pretending they're with someone else, that's insulting. It's definitely not the same as sharing fantasy or role playing.

I'd say that the two of you would need to have some deep, very frank discussions about what's going. Though with the information you've given, if I were in that situation I think I'd walk. It's only been two months and you're bored sexually and fighting? If you don't work through these issues and resolve them, then those problems will stay with you.

Thank you for your advice, he and I have been talking this out most of the day and we are making lots of progress and realize that our communication skills need lots and lots of help. Actually, realizing and admitting these feelings to each other is opening up our communication and has actually turned out to be a good thing in some ways.
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Old 09-26-2012, 07:33 PM   #7
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I usually don't give advice. But I recommend you move on....without him. If he like this now, he will always be like this. He is not going to change.
Don't dwell on it. Just move on. You will be very unhappy and unsatisfied if you stay. I speak from experience. You should enjoy your sex life. You need to find someone more compatible with you.
I say this with respect. I only wish you the very best. Blessings!


Quote:
Originally Posted by blueroses99 View Post
Ok, first off I'd like to say I've been lurking around for a long time and have found this site to be very positive and inspirational. So thanks everybody!

Now, my issues...my boyfriend told me recently (while we were drinking) that he thinks of other girls while we have sex. I have a feeling it is mostly his recent ex girlfriend that he thinks of most. Of course, my feelings are very hurt. We've only been together for two months. If we had been together for years and he told me that...it'd still hurt but I'd probably see it as normal for him to do so every once in awhile. Now I'm totally off sex because that is all I can think about. He told me I should be glad he is so honest with me. And maybe I should be...but to me just because someone is honest doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt. I just don't know how the hell to get rid of this feeling...I don't want to be a passive aggressive b!tch the rest of our time together. How am I suppose to forget that he said that?

We talked and we both agree that our sex life is very boring. However, we do not like the same things. I enjoy BDSM. He does not. He wants role play and that makes me feel silly, though I have done it for him. I have a high sex drive and his is average. He is also a bit older than I am. We end up in the same position and me laying there waiting for it to be over. Now we just end up fighting over it and that doesn't turn anyone on. I care about this fella and it seems like he cares about me but I can't stand this anymore.

I am young and it feels horrid to have such sexual dysfunction. I want to explore and have fun with sex...instead I feel horrible and so un-sexy.


Thanks for reading all. Glad this site is here.
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Old 09-27-2012, 06:45 AM   #8
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^WSS I have a v high sex drive and finally met someone who was my match but other things happened and after a few joyous months things have come to an end. But he let me know early on that a previous GF had ended it with him because she thought his sex drive too high, whereas i was jumping for joy because mine is 'never enough'
If things arent easy now they likely will not get easier.
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:44 AM   #9
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Just wanted to thank you all again for your advice and comments. He and are are committed to making things work and are currently open about our thoughts and feelings on our sex life. Things are far from perfect but are improving. I'm grateful that you all allowed me to vent out and were open with me.
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:03 PM   #10
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Just wanted to thank you all again for your advice and comments. He and are are committed to making things work and are currently open about our thoughts and feelings on our sex life. Things are far from perfect but are improving. I'm grateful that you all allowed me to vent out and were open with me.
I wish you happiness and peace no matter what you decide. Take care. Be blessed.
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